The Dueling Disaster & Raja’s Courtroom Drama

Harry sat in the least hygienic meeting room imaginable—the girls' bathroom—staring at Ron and Hermione. He had just told them about hearing murder whispers.

Ron looked horrified. "Harry, mate… you're hearing voices? That's never a good sign."

Hermione nodded. "Even in the wizarding world, that's very unusual."

Moaning Myrtle suddenly shot out of a toilet, wailing. "OH, I SEE! IGNORING ME AGAIN, ARE YOU?"

Raja, who was in a corner deep in his own research, didn't even look up. "Myrtle, your dramatic timing is impeccable."

Myrtle shrieked louder, before dramatically diving into the toilet.

Ron sighed. "Why do all our meetings involve suffering?"

A huge crowd gathered in the Great Hall as Professor Lockhart announced the Dueling Club.

"In these dark times," Lockhart declared, dramatically flipping his cape, "I have taken it upon myself to teach you self-defense!"

His fangirls swooned. The rest of the students looked nervous.

Lockhart dragged Snape onto the stage as his assistant. Snape's face suggested he was seconds away from murder.

Raja has transformed into commentator form and started commenting.

Raja " On one side we have emerging Prince of Light with whitest teeth all smiles and flowers Prof. Lockhart and the other side we have Prince of Darkness himself with Gloomy and seriousness prof. Snape". 

Snape wordlessly lifted his wand.

"Expelliarmus!"

Lockhart flew backward like a ragdoll, crashing into the wall. His wig nearly came off.

Ron whispered, "That was the best thing I've ever seen."

Lockhart dusted himself off, pretending it was all planned. "Ah, you see, a perfect example of a defensive strategy—"

Snape cut in. "Or, perhaps, an example of complete incompetence."

Lockhart ignored him.

Lockhart chose Harry and Ron for the first duel.

Snape smirked. "Perhaps Malfoy should duel Potter instead."

Malfoy grinned maliciously. "This'll be fun."

Raja instantly switched into commentator mode and Attire.

"AND HERE COMES THE SLYTHERIN PRINCE, DRACO MALFOY! READY TO DESTROY HIS ENEMY, THE BOY WHO LIVED!"

Draco stared at him. "What are you doing?"

Raja shrugged. "Adding drama."

Harry narrowed his eyes. "I hate that you're enjoying this."

Lockhart clapped his hands. "Alright! Only disarming spells!"

Draco ignored that and immediately hit Harry with Everte Statum, throwing him across the platform.

Harry, annoyed, hit Draco with Rictusempra.

Draco flew backward and landed at Snape's feet.

Raja leaned into the mic. "OH, AND MALFOY LANDS WITH PERFECT FORM! A 10/10 FROM THE SLYTHERIN JUDGE!"

Snape's eye twitched.

Malfoy recovered and conjured a snake (Serpensortia!).

Lockhart tried to vanish it. Instead, he launched it at the students.

Screaming erupted.

Harry, acting on instinct, spoke to the snake in Parseltongue. The snake stopped moving.

The crowd went silent.

Justin Finch-Fletchley paled. "You—you were talking to it!"

Harry blinked. "Yeah? I was telling it not to attack?"

Justin backed away like Harry had just declared himself Voldemort's heir.

Raja, in one swift motion, transfigured the snake into a leather belt and wore it.

"Well, that solves that problem and Draco how dare you steal my Belt," Raja said casually.

Silence.

Then Hermione grabbed Harry's arm. "We need to talk."

In the Gryffindor common room, Ron and Hermione looked worried.

"Harry," Hermione said, "do you realize how rare Parseltongue is?"

"Yeah," Ron added. "It's a Dark wizard thing."

Harry looked horrified. "Wait, you think people think I'm—?"

"Yep," Raja said cheerfully. "Congrats, you're the new Dark Lord Harry."

Meanwhile, in the Hufflepuff common room…

Ernie Macmillan was panicking.

"Harry's a Parselmouth! That means he's the Heir of Slytherin!"

Hannah Abbott hesitated. "But… he also defeated Voldemort?"

Ernie ignored her. "HE MUST BE PLANNING SOMETHING!"

Justin nodded. "I'M HIDING."

Hufflepuffs: The most dramatic house confirmed.

Late at night, Harry heard the voice again.

"Kill… time to kill…"

He rushed into the corridor.

On the floor—Nearly Headless Nick and Justin Finch-Fletchley were petrified.

Before Harry could react, Filch appeared.

Filch pointed a shaky finger. "YOU! YOU DID THIS!"

Harry gulped. "Oh, great."

Professor McGonagall dragged Harry to Dumbledore's office.

Before they entered, Raja appeared out of nowhere—

In a full lawyer's suit.

"OBJECTION!" Raja shouted.

McGonagall facepalmed. "Not again…"

Raja adjusted his tie. "You cannot legally question my client without his lawyer present."

McGonagall sighed. "Fine. You're both coming with me."

Raja grinned. "YES. VICTORY."

Harry, stressed beyond belief, whispered, "Please stop helping."

While waiting, Raja got into an argument with every past headmaster portrait.

"You all had one job! To advance magical society! And look where we are! Still using parchment!"

Harry sighed. "Why am I here?"

The Sorting Hat chimed in. "You would've done great in Slytherin."

Raja snorted. "And I would've dominated Gryffindor."

Harry blinked. "Wait—you in Gryffindor?"

"Yeah." Raja shrugged. "But I like the drama in Slytherin better."

Suddenly, Fawkes burst into flames.

Dumbledore walked in just in time to see the pile of ashes.

Raja immediately pointed at Harry.

"HE TOUCHED IT."

Dumbledore, unfazed, explained phoenix rebirth.

Raja nodded. "Fascinating. Also, not my fault."

Hagrid's Dramatic Entrance & Raja's Final Act

Hagrid burst in.

"Professor! It wasn't Harry! He ain't done nothing wrong!"

Raja, already in his lawyer suit, nodded. "I already filed for his defense."

Dumbledore asks if Harry has something to tell him. harry, despite knowing about the mysterious voice, says, "No, sir. Nothing."

Dumbledore sighed and turned to Raja. "You definitely know something."

Raja grinned. "Yes. But I won't tell you."

Dumbledore sighed. "Figures."

And with that, the investigation continued… along with Raja's never-ending nonsense.

To Be Continued…