Eleven

The following morning, AC, VM, and I left early, and James and David decided to join us on the way home. They accompanied us to the bus terminal. I didn't bother asking James again about what he had said the night before, even though AC kept dropping hints that it was something really important. I just let it go—James was right, AC was drunk.

I sat quietly beside James while the others chatted. There was no more drinking, just conversations. VM was leaning on David, fast asleep. There was no space left inside the cottage because some of our drunk friends were already sprawled out, sleeping.

James and David left immediately after the three of us got on the bus. They didn't wait for the bus to leave, saying they were too sleepy. I didn't mind—I was exhausted too and wanted to nap for a bit.

As VM's birthday got closer, I felt more and more anxious. I could hardly sit still. Thankfully, everyone at home was busy, so no one really noticed. A pig and a goat had been slaughtered for our Noche Buena, and the house was bustling with workers. There was so much to do. I was busy cleaning and decorating the dining area, following my mom's instructions on what to put on the table where we'd have our Christmas Eve feast. I also arranged the gifts under the Christmas tree for the exchange gift later. Some of our boarders who couldn't go home for the holidays were celebrating with us.

The celebration was lively. We had an exchange gift, kids' games, and, of course, the adults—especially the men—were drinking. I had a little to drink, but no one minded since they had long known that I drank occasionally.

The days flew by, and before I knew it, it was VM's birthday. That afternoon, I started preparing—not just what I would wear and bring, but also for what might happen when I finally talked to James.

"Happy Birthday!" I greeted VM as soon as I stepped into their house. She wasn't dressed yet and was still helping her mom set up the table.

"Merry Christmas, Mama Shi! How are you?" I greeted VM's mom with a kiss on the cheek.

"Merry Christmas too, Lui! I'm glad you're here!" she responded warmly. She and her husband had always treated us like their own kids, especially since VM and I lived together in the apartment. Whenever they visited, they would take us out to eat or even go shopping with us.

"Go get ready, I'll help Mama here," I told VM as I placed my bag on a chair.

"Okay. Thanks, sis! I'll just put your bag in my room. I won't take long," she said.

I chatted happily with Mama Shi while helping her set up the food. It was still early, and we were expecting a few close friends to arrive. There was a lot of food since VM's aunts, uncles, and cousins from her mother's side—who lived in the same compound—were also coming.

That night, after VM's relatives and the younger cousins had gone home, only our friends around our age stayed behind to drink with us.

It was past midnight when James and I decided to talk. I was nervous, but I tried not to show it. We walked towards a bench not too far from where we had been, still within VM's compound.

"Why do you look so serious?" he asked, his hands feeling cold as he held mine.

"Why are your hands cold? What are you thinking?" I asked.

"I don't know… but for some reason, I feel nervous. You look too serious," he said, playfully pinching my nose.

"I just wanted to talk to you. There's something you need to know, and after I tell you, I want to hear what's in your heart. Is that okay?" I asked.

"S-Sure, even though I'm nervous, just go ahead before I chicken out," he stammered.

Honestly, the more I looked at him, the more guilty I felt. He didn't deserve everything that happened. It was really my fault. I should take all the blame. I stared at him for a long time before I finally found the words to say.

"James, I'm sorry… because whatever we have now started the wrong way," I began.

"I know that, Lui. You don't have to apologize. We both know it, and so does our group of friends. I should be the one apologizing—I know you were pressured back then. But still, I'm grateful that we finally have this chance to talk about it now," he replied.

"Yeah… I'm sorry. I was really busy, and after that, we never got the time to talk. Even during the climb, we didn't get the chance because Mon and AC were too chaotic—we couldn't have a proper conversation," I said.

"You know, honestly, I felt really guilty for doing it with you. I know you don't deserve this. You're such a nice person, James. I adore you for being so respectful and such a gentleman," I added.

"There you go again, using English on me! You know I can only handle a little English" he joked, flashing a peace sign.

"Kidding aside, I want to be honest with you, James. Even before we got into this kind of relationship, there was someone I liked so much and waited for," I said directly. He just listened quietly, and I could tell he was getting even more nervous. He was looking down—either at our shoes or at the ground, I wasn't sure—but he was still holding my hand.

"Remember the first time we watched a movie with VM and the rest of the gang? He was there. He accidentally saw us at the exact moment he had planned to confess to me. But we didn't get the chance to talk because I was too busy with practice and preparing for the school intramurals. A week later, he waited for me outside the campus. I was with my classmates then, but I decided to stay behind to talk to him since he had waited, and I felt bad turning him down." I started to recall that moment.

"I'm sorry it's only now that I'm telling you all this. The reason he waited so patiently for me, without knowing whether he'd even see me or not, was because he had planned to confess his feelings. I was speechless at first, but before I left him standing there, I managed to ask him—why now? Why only now, when you had already come into my life?" I added.

"The feelings I had for him were so different from what I have for you. Because honestly, I tried… but it never blossomed. And yet, he was still the one I liked so much, which is why my conscience has been eating away at me. I can't set things right until I fix this mess I created. I'm already asking for your forgiveness now, but I understand if you can't forgive me right away. I know, and I admit, that this is entirely my fault. I am the one to blame for everything," I continued, looking straight into his eyes.

I could see the frustration and pain in them. He remained silent, just staring at me.

"I'm so sorry for dragging you into this situation. You don't deserve any of this—you don't deserve the pain, most of all. I don't deserve you and your feelings because I can't give you the same love you feel for me. I want to make things right, and to do that, I have to start by telling you the truth, even if it hurts you. I need to be honest with you. You deserve to know the truth. You are truly a wonderful person who deserves someone so much better than me," I added.

He kept staring at me, blinking away his tears while gripping my cold, trembling hands.

"Lui, that was such a long speech—and in English, too. Right now, it's not just my heart that hurts, even my brain does," he said with a forced smile. I know that he was trying to make a joke out of it, but I could feel that he was truly hurt after everything I told him.

"You know, Lui, you don't have to apologize. You didn't do anything wrong. Even if you hadn't told me, I already knew… I could feel that this day would come. I was just waiting for you to say it. And while waiting, I simply enjoyed the time I had with you, even if it was just for a little while. To be honest, Lui, I was really happy. I was happy that I got to sit next to you, talk to you, hold your hand, and share a few climbs and trips with you along with the group. Because if you hadn't taken that dare, that bet—whatever you want to call it—I would never have had that chance," I can see his unshed tears while listening to his trembling voice as he speak.

"Even though we both knew our relationship wasn't normal, that it all started from a bet and not from love, and even though I knew you were pressured that night, I still hoped. I hoped that maybe, one day, your feelings would change. But that was just me, Lui. That was my own hope. You didn't lead me on—you never did anything to make me hope. I saw it. I felt it. I was just the fool who kept believing. And most of all, don't feel guilty. You never deceived me. From the start, we both knew what we were and how we ended up in this situation," he said gently, sniffling, just like me. His eyes were red from holding back tears.

"Lui, please don't think that I'm mad at you because of this. Let me make it clear—I have no right to be mad at you, and this will never be a reason for me to be angry with you. I chose this. No one forced me into this. This was my decision, Lui. This pain I'm feeling right now? It's my own doing. So, stop overthinking. I will be okay. The only thing I ask is that if you ever see me at school, please pretend you didn't see me. I will also do my best to avoid you until I can look at you again without hurting," he glanced at me with a faint smile on his face.

"One more thing—I won't be here when you wake up tomorrow. It's better if I leave before you see me. I need to get myself back to who I was before—the guy who was content just thinking about you, watching you from afar, knowing that I could never get close to you," he said, finally letting go of my hands.

He reached into the pocket of his jeans and pulled out his handkerchief. First, he wiped my tears, then his own, still sniffling.

"Lui… can I ask for just one favor? Just this once, for the last time… Can I hug you? Even just for a moment?" he asked shyly.

Even though he didn't receive a response from me, I was the one who hugged him first.

"I'm so sorry. I'm really, really sorry. Truly, I am. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for all the kindness and goodness you've shown me. I will always cherish you and our memories," I whispered to him, which only made me cry harder as he held me tightly, as if he never wanted to let go. I just let him because I was truly overwhelmed with emotions—mixed feelings that were difficult to describe. Even though he was the one hurting, he was the one rubbing my back, trying to comfort me.

We stayed like that for several minutes until he was the one who slowly pulled away.

"Wait here, Lui. I'll get you some water to drink. Wow, you cry so hard! I honestly thought you didn't know how to cry because you always seem so tough," he joked before finally letting go of my shoulders.

A few minutes passed before he returned, holding a glass of water. He smiled at me as he approached, but I could tell it was forced—it didn't quite reach his eyes. His eyes were red and swollen. He sat down beside me again and handed me the glass of water.

"Drink this. I just realized you actually have this side of you," he teased again. I knew he was only trying to lighten the mood after everything we had just talked about.

"Thank you. You really didn't have to do this for me. You're even taking care of me now… It just makes me feel even more guilty—" I started, but he cut me off.

"Please, don't say that you feel sorry for me. And didn't I already tell you that you shouldn't feel guilty? I had my part in this too—it wasn't just you. I gave my consent to everything that happened between us. So, stop overthinking. If you keep this up, I might stop idolizing you—you're losing your tough image!" he said, tucking a stray strand of hair behind my ear.

"I'm okay now that we've talked like this. So, stop worrying," he added"

"I won't be joining the summer climb… so that you won't have to see me," I suddenly said. He fell silent, just staring at me thoughtfully.

"What a waste. Didn't you say you really wanted to join the summer climb because it was supposed to be your last one before you slowed down in your fourth year due to a heavier workload? You told me that, remember? I clearly recall it because I wasn't even drunk when you said it—I sobered up after the cold water from the falls where we all swam together," he reminded me.

"It's fine. I might not be able to fit it into my schedule anyway. I have two subjects to take for the summer—advance subjects for the first semester—so I won't be overloaded later on. But if they offer one more minor subject I'm hoping for, I might end up taking three," I explained.

"Really? But that's okay, Lui. I think I'll be fine by then. It's my farewell climb too, you know. I'll be graduating in March—oh, and AC as well—so it would be a shame to miss it. Let's do our farewell climb together," he tried to convince me.

"I'm really not sure, I promise. I just want to make sure I only have two major subjects left when the first semester starts, so I won't be too stressed with OJT. That's why my classmates and I are trying to gather at least fifteen to twenty students to request that the minor subject be offered during summer," I explained further.

"Come on, please? Let's make our farewell climb memorable for the organization," he pleaded.

"Think of it as your graduation gift to me?" he added.

"I really can't promise anything, but I'll try," I replied.

"At least you'll try—that's better than outright saying no," he said with a faint smile.

"But don't get your hopes up," I said softly.

"Don't worry about that, Lui. Whether I hope or not, that's on me. What matters is that you were honest with me," he said.

"Are we still talking about the farewell climb, or is this about what I did to you?" I asked.

"Of course, we're still talking about the farewell climb! Did I say anything else?" he asked. I wasn't sure if I was just overthinking it, or if he was really implying something. But I decided not to dwell on it—I didn't think he was the type to be indirect.

"It just feels like it has a different meaning," I added.

"We've already talked about us, Lui. If you keep insisting on that topic, I might just decide not to let you go—forget Batman, I'll take matters into my own hands!" he challenged.

"Why would you do that? I thought you said we were done, and now you're taking back your words?" I asked.

"I haven't taken anything back. I just said that if you keep pushing the topic, then I might decide not to let you go, even if I know—and feel—that I'm not the one you want. What do you say?" he continued to challenge me.

"Am I really pushing the topic? I only asked once!" I nervously replied.

"Relax, then. No problem. But you—why are you so serious all the time? You're so easy to annoy, but honestly, I find it cute when you get flustered," he said, laughing.

"You and AC really are best friends! You've picked up his habits," I said.

"We really are best friends. But I didn't pick this up from him—it's just who I am. You just never noticed because we don't spend every day together. You're always busy, so you never hang out with us in the student lounge. That's why you don't see the craziness of the group—including me," he laughed, shaking his head.

"Really?" I asked again.

"Why do you suddenly sound so curious about me?" he teased.

"Nothing, I just can't believe it. I've always known you as a quiet and serious guy," I explained.

"That's because I was always careful around you. What if you suddenly punched me? That would hurt, so I avoided being too playful with you," he replied.

We didn't even notice how many minutes or hours had passed while we talked. Somehow, the atmosphere between us had become lighter. I was the one who ended the conversation—I didn't want to make it harder for him to say goodbye. I knew he wanted to leave but just couldn't say it outright.

For the last time, we hugged and said our goodbyes properly. Before letting go, he kissed me on the forehead. Then, just as he had said earlier, I was the one who walked away first.

I went straight into VM's house, headed to her room, and lay down on her bed. A whirlwind of emotions swirled inside me as I lay there, unable to describe what I was feeling. I was so drained that I didn't even bother to change or freshen up. Half of my body was on the bed, but my legs dangled over the edge, touching the floor.