Chapter 6: Therapy on the pudding

I came home after school on Monday, tired and exasperated. In my backpack I felt the weight not only of the books, but of the whole day, which had been one big disaster. The morons in the class had again found someone to be their scapegoat - me. They threw texts that were supposedly meant to be jokes, but I felt a sick malice in them.

Hardly had I taken off my shoes, my mother looked out of the kitchen with that gentle but firm look of hers.

- Maja, we need to talk," she said, wiping her hands in a cloth.

I already knew something was up. I rolled my eyes and threw my backpack against the wall.

- What have I done again?

Mom sighed, as if trying to find a way to communicate something she knew I wouldn't like.

- Nothing. We signed you up to see a psychologist.

I froze, staring at her in disbelief.

- What. Why?

- Because we're worried about you, honey," she began calmly, taking a step toward me. - Me and your dad think it's worth talking to someone about what's bothering you.

I snorted under my breath, crossing my arms over my chest.

- Father? Sure. He's definitely "worried." He probably thinks it's all my fault because, after all, I'm always the problem, right?

- Maja, don't exaggerate. Your dad was really concerned about what happened in the car," replied mom, trying to calm me down.

- Sure, because he is so caring," I chuckled with a wince. - He's only interested in me when he can pretend to be the perfect parent. And in fact, the only thing he cares about is his new family.

Mom furrowed her brow, but did not raise her voice.

- I know you resent your father, but that doesn't mean his ideas are wrong. A psychologist can help you understand what's going on.

I felt anger rising in me like a wave.

- Nothing is happening, mom! Nothing! It's just that you all are obsessed with the fact that I am somehow different.

- Maja, I see that something is bothering you. I see that you are closing in on yourself. Plus your panic attack at the amusement park. This is not to judge you, but to help you.

- Sure, help by making me talk to some random stranger. Super plan. Thanks," I said, and my voice shifted to a sarcastic tone.

Mom sighed and sat down in a chair at the kitchen table.

- I know it's not easy. But I want you to know that we do it because we love you.

- Or maybe just trust me that I'm fine," I chuckled, turning on my heel and heading for my room.

- Maja... - called out still mother, but I did not turn around.

I slammed the door, sat on the bed and buried myself in the quilt. Thoughts swirled in my head. Anger at my father, disappointment in my mother, the feeling that no one really understands me. And that visit to the psychologist.... I already knew it would be a disaster.

Suddenly I heard a soft knock on the door. Mom always knocked before she came in, which was one of the few little things I really appreciated about her.

- Maya, may I come in? - She asked quietly from behind the door.

I didn't answer, but she opened the door slowly anyway, as if she was afraid of scaring me. She entered the room and sat on the edge of the bed, looking at me with an expression of concern in her eyes.

- I wanted to warn you... The appointment with the psychologist is on Wednesday, after school," she said softly, as if trying to soften the blow.

I did not answer, staring at the quilt, which I clenched in my hands.

- I know you are angry with me. And I don't blame you for that at all. But you have to understand that we are doing this for your sake.

I looked at her out of the corner of my eye, and there must have been something in my gaze that moved her, because she immediately added:

- I'm sorry, sweetheart. I really am. But I'm worried about you. I know it's hard, but.... sometimes it's good to talk to someone who will look at things from a different perspective.

- That is, you actually think there is something wrong with me and I am psychic," I said sharply, without looking at her.

- No, Maya. That's not what I wanted to say. I believe you are strong and can handle any challenge. But sometimes even the strongest need support.

- Sure, except that I don't need support from strangers who will judge me," I chuckled, still feeling angry.

Mom sighed, as if searching for the right words.

- A psychologist is not there to judge you. He is there to listen to you. And he can understand something that you yourself are still trying to put together.

- What if I don't want him to listen to me? - I asked, finally looking at her directly.

Mom was silent for a moment, and then leaned slightly toward me.

- You don't have to say everything. But give it a chance, okay? I promise that if you don't want to go back there, I won't force you.

- Really? - I asked, raising an eyebrow.

- Really," she confirmed with a gentle smile.

I didn't answer, just nodded. I didn't promise to accept it, but her words at least made my anger slowly give way to a reluctant acceptance of the situation.

- Well, then I won't disturb you. - She said, getting out of bed.

- Bye, Mom," I replied quietly before she left and closed the door behind her.

When she disappeared, I felt the familiar weight on my chest again. Wednesday was getting closer and closer, and I couldn't shake the feeling that a visit to the psychologist wouldn't solve any of my problems. It might even bring new ones.

The day of the fool's visit has arrived.

Mom escorted me to the office door, lightly squeezing my hand before letting me go.

- It's just a conversation. Try to be honest, okay? - she said, looking at me carefully.

I nodded my head, although I didn't feel like it at all. I felt the door open quietly, and a woman with a gentle gaze and light brown hair tied in an elegant ponytail emerged from inside the office. She was wearing a cream sweater and dark pants, and looked so ordinary as to be annoying.

- Hi, May. My name is Anna. Feel free to come inside. - She smiled, pointing to a comfortable armchair in the corner of the room.

I walked in slowly, feeling as if my legs were weighing twice as much as usual. The study was decorated simply - bright walls, a few books on shelves, a vase of roses on the windowsill. I sat down in the chair indicated, and stuck my gaze into the carpet under my feet.

- This is your first meeting with a psychologist, right? - Anna asked, sitting down across from me.

- Yes," I muttered, still not looking in her direction.

- I understand that you may feel uncomfortable. But this place is safe. You can say anything you want here.

Safe? I wasn't so sure. I leaned on the backrest of the chair, clasping my hands on its edges.

- Would you like to tell me about what has been bothering you lately? - She asked, in a voice so calm that it irritated me.

- I don't know what my parents are about," I finally said, looking at her obliquely. - They act like I'm some kind of.... strange.

- And do you feel strange? - Anna asked, raising her eyebrows gently.

I shrugged my shoulders without answering. Instead, I glanced at the window, outside of which tree branches were moving slightly in the wind. Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed something strange - a shadow moving along the study wall. I turned my head, but there was nothing there.

- Is something wrong? - Anna asked, seeing me tense up.

- No, nothing," I replied quickly, looking away.

At that moment, a familiar voice echoed in my head. Lina.

- She doesn't understand anything. It's just a game. Psychologists always want to pretend they know more than they really do.

I pressed my lips together, trying to ignore her comment.

- Maya? - Anna turned to me again. - Do you have someone you talk to when it's hard for you?

- Yes. My friend," I replied reflexively.

Anna smiled slightly.

- That's great. A friend from your class?

- Don't. Lina doesn't go to school.

Anna raised her eyebrows, and her expression became more focused.

- Who is Lina?

I shrugged my shoulders, trying to dispose of the question.

- Simply Lina.

- And what do you think about telling me more about her? - Anna inquired, but in her voice I sensed something that resembled.... caution.

- Lina says I shouldn't tell you anything," I replied, looking at Anna directly, although there was more anger in my voice than I wanted.

The psychologist was silent for a moment, as if pondering her answer.

- What Lina says is important to you, right?

I did not answer, because at that moment Lina began to speak again, her voice was quiet but clear.

- Tell her it's none of her business. Let her leave you alone.

I felt my hands begin to tremble. Anna noticed this, but said nothing. Instead, she smiled gently.

- Maya, you can always talk as much as you want. Nothing by force.

Anna looked at me carefully, her gaze was calm, but I could clearly see that something interested her. I was silent for a while, feeling Lina start talking again.

- Don't tell her anything else. Do you really think this foolish woman will understand anything? - Her voice sounded sharp, almost threatening.

- Maya? - Anna spoke up again, leaning in slightly. - Lina is someone who supports you?

I felt my heart begin to pound. Lina started whispering faster, as if she wanted to drown me out.

- Say it's nothing. Don't betray me. She just wants to pretend to understand you.

- Yes," I replied quietly, ignoring Lina. - She supports me.

- This is a good thing. Sometimes such friendship is very important," said Anna, with a smile that was meant to be encouraging. - How did you two meet?

- I don't remember exactly. It was just always there," I muttered, lowering my gaze.

Lina snorted loudly, though only I could hear it.

- Tell her that I am like your twin sister. That you need me.

- She's a bit like a sister," I said, echoing her words.

Anna furrowed her brow, as if something in that answer intrigued her.

- And what does it look like?

I froze, feeling Lina laughing.

- Really? This is such a childish question. Tell me I look normal.

- It looks ... normal," I replied, repeating her words almost involuntarily.

- Do you mean that she resembles you? - Anna asked, but there was caution in her voice.

- No... I don't know," I replied, trying not to look at her.

- Maja, everything you tell me stays between us. You don't have to be afraid," Anna added, as if trying to reassure me.

- It's not that I'm afraid.... - I started, but Lina interjected again.

- Don't believe her. She wants to get something out.

I clenched my fists, feeling myself starting to get irritated. Anna noticed this.

- Are you all right? - She asked softly.

- Yes. I'm just tired," I replied quickly, trying to make my voice sound neutral.

Anna did not press the issue. Instead, she changed the subject, asking about everyday things - school, friends, interests. But even then I could feel Lina still commenting, as if she didn't want to leave me alone for a second.

- Tell her everything is fine. Don't give her the satisfaction.

In the end, I felt so torn that I could barely gather my thoughts. I was relieved when Anna looked at the clock and announced that our session time was over.

- Thank you, Maya, for talking to me. I hope to see you next week?

I nodded, although inside I knew that Lina would not let me go back to that office so easily. As I left, Lina whispered only one sentence:

- I knew it was a bad idea.

When I left the office, my mother was waiting for me in the waiting room. She was sitting in one of the soft chairs, with her phone in her hand, but as soon as she saw me, she hid it quickly in her purse and smiled.

- And how? - She asked in a soft tone, standing up and coming closer.

I shrugged my shoulders, trying not to betray how much this visit threw me off balance.

- Normally. We talked.

Mom furrowed her eyebrows slightly, as if she wanted to get something more out of me.

- What did you talk about?

- About everything and nothing," I answered evasively. I didn't want to tell her about Lina, the shadow, or the fact that Anna was asking questions that annoyed me.

- That's good. The important thing is that you talked. Do you think you will continue these meetings? - she asked, moving with me toward the exit.

I sighed heavily.

- I don't know, mom. It was ... weird.

- Strange? Why? - Her voice sounded thoughtful, but I didn't want her to start pressing.

- Because I am not used to such conversations. That's all," I lied, avoiding her gaze.

I knew that Lina was listening to this conversation, because her presence was almost tangible. She whispered quietly in my ear:

- Don't tell her too much. She won't understand it anyway.

- Honey, if something is bothering you, you can always tell me. Really. I don't want you to think that I'm leaving you alone with all this," Mom said, interrupting my thoughts.

I nodded my head, although in my spirit I felt that it was not as simple as she thought.

- Can I take you out for something sweet? Ice cream, a cake? To relax a little? - She asked with a smile, trying to defuse the atmosphere.

- Maybe another time, mom. I would just like to go home," I replied, tired of the whole situation.

Mom accepted this without protest, although I could see a gentle sadness in her eyes. We moved together toward the car, and the only sound was muffled footsteps on the gravel alley. From time to time, Mom glanced at me with concern, but said nothing more. Maybe she sensed that I didn't want to talk.

In my mind, however, I had something completely different - Lina. Her voice, quiet but clear, carried in my head like an ominous whisper.

- This is just the beginning, you'll see. They want to break you. Make you stop thinking for yourself.

I furrowed my brow and quickened my stride, trying to get her words out of my head.

- They will make you crazy," Lina continued. - You know how it will end, right? Pills, therapists, and then you'll be like a programmed robot. That's the perfect solution for your father.

My heart sped up and my breathing became shallower. I didn't want to listen to her, but her words rushed into my consciousness.

- He wants you to stop being a problem. Imagine what a saving for him - no alimony, no trouble. He'll take you away from your mom to play the big hero. But not because he cares about you. For him, you are just an expense.

I paused for a moment, clenching my fists.

- Are you all right? - Mom asked, turning to me.

I nodded, though inside I felt I was about to explode. Lina continued to whisper, as if to amplify my anger.

- And mom? Do you think she doesn't know? Of course she knows. But she's too weak to do anything about it. She just agrees because she has no way out.

Tears glazed in my eyes, but I quickly wiped them away before my mother could notice.

- We are almost there. Come on, honey," she said softly, pointing to a car parked at the end of the alley.

I moved behind her, trying to control my emotions. Lina was silent for a while, but I could feel her presence. It was as if she was in me, in my thoughts, in my heart, and would not let me forget herself.

When we got into the car, my mother looked at me once again, this time with a smile.

- Are you ready to go home?

I nodded, sticking my gaze into the glass. But inside I was boiling. Lina was right - this visit was the beginning of something that could change me. And I wasn't sure if it was for the better.

I sat in the car, staring at the passing trees outside the window, trying to ignore what Lina was saying. But her voice was getting louder, more insistent.

- Do you understand? After all these pills, you won't see me again. I won't be able to defend you from the shadow. And do you know what he will do? He will kill your mother. Then he will come after you.

I clenched my hands in my lap, feeling my whole body tighten from anger and fear.

- But you, of course, are too dumb to understand that. You'd rather listen to their lies.

It was too much. I exploded before I could stop myself.

- Shut up, Lina! Just disappear! Leave me alone! - I shouted, turning violently toward the empty space next to me.

Mom, sitting behind the wheel, froze. The car pulled over to the side for a moment, and then returned to its lane again. She looked at me with wide-open eyes, confused.

- What is going on! Who are you talking to! - she asked, raising her voice.

I felt panic sweep over me. Something inside wanted to tell me to apologize, but at the same time I was furious. At Lina, at myself, at everything.

- To no one! - I shouted, trying to look away from my mother.

- Maja, I heard you. You told someone to shut up and disappear. Who was it? - she pressed, fear echoed in her voice.

- It's nothing important, mom. I just ... I just got upset," I tried to croak out, but my voice was trembling.

Mom glanced at me anxiously, her hands clenched tightly on the steering wheel.

- Maya, you have to tell me the truth. Was it to Lina? - she asked quietly.

I clenched my teeth, feeling tears coming to my eyes. I didn't want to tell her this. I didn't want her to think that there was really something wrong with me.

- No," I lied, although I felt it sounded unconvincing myself.

- Maya... - started mom, but she cut off, seeing my tears. She stopped the car on the side of the road and turned to me.

- Honey, I want to help you. But I can't do that unless you tell me what's going on," she said calmly, although I could see how worried she was.

Instead of answering, I hid my face in my hands, trying to hold back my sobs. Lina was silent, but I felt her presence, like a shadow that was still beside me.

Mom looked at me with clear concern, and I felt all the emotions inside me build up until finally I couldn't hold them back anymore. Tears began to run down my cheeks, and words poured out of my mouth before I could stop them.

- Mom... I can't anymore... - I said, and my voice trembled so much that I could barely hear myself. - I'm tired. I'm not sleeping. I'm afraid... I'm scared all the time.

Mom leaned toward me, trying to reassure me.

- Honey, we can handle it. Together, okay? Just tell me what makes you so tired.

I shook my head, burying my face in my hands.

- You don't understand anything, mom. You won't understand... You just think it can all be fixed with talks or pills.

- Maja, don't say that. I'm trying, I really am. I want to help you. But you have to tell me what's going on," she said calmly, although her voice was full of concern.

I looked at her, and my eyes were red from crying.

- This is not something that can be explained! I feel like I am.... one big pudding. A fuzzy, tired pudding that's afraid it's about to spill!

Mom was silent for a moment, probably surprised by my words. But then she took a deep breath and reached for my hand.

- I know you feel like everything is out of your control. And I know it's not easy for you. But you are not alone with this. You are my daughter, and I will do everything to protect you," she said, squeezing my hand tighter.

- But you don't know what it means! Every night I feel like something is looking at me. I can't sleep because I can feel it.... this something. And I'm afraid, mom. I'm afraid that it will never end. That something really bad will happen.

Mom swallowed her saliva, and in her eyes I could see the tears she was trying to hide.

- We will deal with it. Tomorrow I'll call a psychologist and talk to her about all this. You don't have to carry it alone, do you understand?

I didn't respond. I just lowered my head, feeling my mother's words mingle with the voices in my head. Lina was silent, but her presence was as heavy as the shadows I could still feel around me.