Chapter 9: Shopping and complexes

I woke up suddenly, as if something had pulled me out of a deep sleep. The smartphone screen displayed the time: 01:37 a.m. I rubbed my eyes and turned on my side, but I felt a dryness in my throat. The air in the room was stuffy and hot through the radiators. I sighed, knowing that I would not fall asleep until I had a drink of water.

I threw back the quilt and got out of bed. The night was quiet, and the moonlight barely broke through the thick clouds. Its pale blue glow spilled down the hallway, giving everything a strangely cool tint. The walls of the apartment seemed to have a life of their own - they creaked softly, as if the breath of the old building floated in the darkness.

I moved toward the kitchen. My feet stepped softly on the cold floor. As I passed the living room, out of the corner of my eye I noticed something disturbing - a shadow moving in the corner of the room. I turned abruptly, but there was nothing there. Only furniture, casting long, motionless shadows.

- Stop, it's just your imagination," I whispered to myself, trying to quiet the growing anxiety.

The kitchen was in semi-darkness. Nevertheless, I easily found a glass and filled it with water from the tap. I watched for a while as the water filled the vessel, and its noise seemed strangely loud in this silence. I raised the glass to my lips and began to drink, trying not to think about the strange warmth in the back of my neck, as if someone was watching me.

And then I heard it. A quiet, dragging rustle, as if something was moving on the floor behind my back. I froze with my glass in my hand, and my heart began to beat faster.

- It's just the wind," I thought, but I couldn't stop the shudder that went through me from head to toe.

I turned around slowly, feeling the air around me become heavier. The moon cast a soft light through the window, creating a tangle of shadows on the floor. But in the corner of the kitchen.... In a corner that should have been empty, I saw something more. A shadow. It was there, clear, too dark and too dense to be a coincidence.

- Lina? - I whispered, hoping it was just my imagination. But Lina did not answer. Her voice, which usually comforted me, was silent this time.

The shadow moved. Slightly, but enough that I felt my legs refuse to obey me. I took a step back, and then another, until I leaned against the refrigerator. The glass fell out of my hand and shattered on the floor with a loud clatter.

The shadow began to lengthen, gliding toward me like a liquid. Its shape was unnatural, as if it was trying to take the form of a human, but something was preventing it from doing so. I froze, staring at this thing that seemed to have a consciousness of its own.

- Lina, please help me," I whispered, but there was still no answer.

Suddenly I heard footsteps behind me. I turned my head and saw my mother. She was standing in the threshold, her eyes bloodshot and her hair in disarray.

- Maya? What are you doing here at this hour? - She asked, yawning.

I looked back at the shadow, but.... there was nothing there. Just broken glass and spilled water. I trembled.

- Nothing, mom. I just... I got dry in my throat...and my glass fell out inadvertently," I replied, trying to sound normal.

Mom furrowed her brow, but did not inquire. She walked over to the cabinet and took out a paper towel.

- Go back to bed. You have to get up for school tomorrow. I'll clean it up. - She said quietly, starting to wipe the floor.

I nodded and moved toward my room. When I closed the door behind me, I sank onto the bed, feeling my hands tremble. What was that? Did I really see something there? Or maybe... maybe I was starting to lose my mind?

A familiar whisper echoed in the darkness of my room.

- I told you that you can't trust them," I heard Lina's voice. He was quiet, almost gentle, but there was something in his tone that made me shudder.

- Lina... what was that? - I asked, looking into the void.

- Shadow," she replied, as if that explained everything. - And he will return.

I lay motionless, staring at the ceiling. I knew I would not fall asleep again that night. The shadow was there, somewhere in the darkness. And he was waiting.

- I will not fall asleep," I said quietly, and my voice echoed in the silence of the room.

- I know," replied Lina, her voice was as calm as ever, but this time lined with something more, some strange note of seriousness.

I rolled to the side, looking at the place where Lina usually "sat" - On the edge of my desk. Her outline seemed fuzzy, almost ethereal in the faint light of the night lamp.

- Lina, what is it really? This shadow... He is real, isn't he? - I asked in a whisper, and I felt a dryness in my throat that, despite the water I drank, did not disappear at all.

Lina looked at me with a slight hesitation, as if wondering if she should answer me.

- Yes, he is real," she finally said. - But he's not like me.

I furrowed my brow and rose to a sitting position, leaning my back against the cool wall.

- What do you mean he's not like you?

Lina sighed, tilting her head to the side. Her outline shimmered slightly, as if she were a reflection in the water rather than a real figure.

- He is ... from my world, but not like me. He cannot fully pass here. He can't take on a body, he can't be "whole." That's why he's just a shadow," she mused for a moment. - And maybe that's even worse.

I felt a cold shiver run down my back.

- Worse?

- Yes. Shadow doesn't think like you or me. It is... a void. It has no boundaries, no purpose. It just is, and it draws in everything it finds in its path," Lina fell silent, and I felt that her words weighed more than I wanted them to.

I couldn't lie down any longer. I got out of bed and turned on the lamp on my desk. I took my sketchbook and pencil from the drawer, trying to find anything that would help me calm down. I began to draw, although my hand was trembling.

- You mean he's also going through? Just like you? - I asked, drawing the outline of something that was supposed to resemble a figure.

- Yes, but not as easy as I did," replied Lina, watching me curiously. - The transition is not easy. Everyone who tries, leaves something behind. I can be here in full, because.... - she hesitated for a moment, as if searching for the right words. - Because I am different. But the shadow? He doesn't have what I have.

- What is not there? - I asked, adding dark lines to the drawing. The outline of the silhouette was becoming more and more similar to what I saw in the kitchen.

Lina lifted her gaze to me, and her eyes seemed deeper than ever.

- Awareness.

- That means it's like... animal? - I asked, adding more details.

- No. Animals have instinct, they have life. The shadow is like... like a whirlpool. It draws in what it finds and feeds on fear.

I felt my heart start to beat faster.

- Why exactly me, why did he find me?

Lina looked at me with something resembling sadness.

- Maybe it's because you're on the border. Between your world and mine.

Lina's words sounded as if they carried some secret that she didn't want to tell me. I went back to drawing, trying to relieve the tension. My hand guided the pencil on its own, and a silhouette of a shadow appeared on the page - unnaturally elongated, with blurred edges, as if it was melting into the air.

- You have to be careful. He senses your fear," Lina said, and her voice was more serious than ever.

I looked at the finished drawing. Looking at it, I felt everything inside me squeeze with fear. I was sure of one thing - the shadow was getting closer.

I started the second drawing. My hand moved across the page almost automatically, as if someone else was directing the pencil. Lina sat quietly, watching me from the side, and her presence - though familiar - did not calm me down at all. I had no control over what I was drawing, but I couldn't stop.

Each successive one depicted something darker, more disturbing. There were shapes that resembled the shadow from the kitchen - elongated, fuzzy, with strange, irregular limbs. In one drawing, the shadow seemed to be leaning over something that looked like the figure of a girl huddled on the floor. In another, it was spilling out, as if engulfing the entire room.

I drew in silence, hearing only the gentle scraping of the pencil against the paper. Lina did not interrupt. Her silence was strange, as if she was afraid of distracting me.

Outside the window, night was slowly giving way to day. The dark sky was taking on shades of gray, and the first rays of light were tentatively breaking through the clouds. I didn't notice when a pile of sheets of paper appeared on my desk - at least a dozen drawings, each more disturbing than the last.

I leaned over the next page, but felt my eyelids getting heavier and heavier. The pencil in my hand was already barely holding, and the lines were becoming more chaotic.

- Maya... rest," Lina finally said, and her voice was quiet and gentle.

- I can't. He is here somewhere. I can feel him," I replied in a whisper, without taking my eyes off the page.

- You need to get some sleep. Drawings won't protect you," she added, and her words were like barely audible rustling.

I didn't respond. My hand kept putting up more lines, but the movements became slower and slower, until finally the pencil fell out of my hand and rolled down the desk. I no longer had the strength. My head fell back onto my shoulder on its own, and my eyes closed in spite of myself.

The last thing I heard before I fell asleep was Lina's voice:

- Sleep. You're safe for now.

The world outside the window had already brightened completely, and the rays of the morning sun broke into the room, mussing the stack of sheets of paper on the desk. On each of them were the outlines of a shadow, which now seemed even more ominous in the daylight.

I woke up suddenly, feeling someone gently shaking my shoulder. I opened my eyes and saw my mother leaning over me with a slight smile.

- Get up, sleepyhead. I made cocoa and pancakes. Come to breakfast before they get cold," she said quietly, pushing a few strands of hair away from my face.

I squinted, feeling the daylight hit me in the face. I was completely exhausted, as if someone had sucked all the energy out of me. My eyelids were heavy and my neck ached from sleeping in a strange position on my desk.

I wiped my face with my hands and looked at the pile of drawings lying next to me. I quickly raked them into one pile so my mother couldn't see them. I didn't want her to ask about them.

- I'm coming... - I muttered, although I felt that all I felt like doing was curling up under the covers.

When I left the room, the smell of freshly fried pancakes and hot cocoa hit me like a wave of warmth. It was so soothing that I felt a sting in my heart. Mom always made pancakes when she was trying to make me feel better.

I dragged myself into the kitchen, barely able to stand on my feet, and my mother smiled at me from above the countertop. Two plates of pancakes already stood on the table, sprinkled with powdered sugar and topped with maple syrup. A mug of steaming cocoa was waiting for me in my seat.

- Well, sit down. Eat something, because you look like you haven't slept all night," she chuckled with a light tone, although I could see worry in her eyes.

I sat down at the table, almost falling into a chair. I was so sleep-deprived that my head was barely holding on to my neck. I grabbed the mug of cocoa with both hands, feeling a pleasant warmth on my palms.

- Thanks, Mom," I muttered, taking a small sip. It was hot, but wonderfully sweet.

I reached for a fork and struggled to put a piece of pancake in my mouth. The maple syrup was sticky and delightfully sweet, and the thin layer of powdered sugar melted on my tongue. I ate slowly, as if each bite required more energy than I could muster.

- Are you all right? - Mom asked, sitting down across from me and reaching for her cup.

- Mhm," I only replied, without raising my eyes to her.

- Are you sure? You look like you're fighting some monster in your sleep," she added jokingly, but her tone was warm and concern lurked in her eyes.

- I'm just tired. School, studying... you know how it is," I muttered, trying to hide the real reason for my sleeplessness.

Mom looked at me for another moment, as if trying to figure out if I was telling the truth. Finally, however, she nodded and took a sip of her cocoa.

I sat there, with each sip of the hot drink feeling the heat spread through my body. The pancakes disappeared from the plate more slowly than usual, but I finally managed to eat them. Although the atmosphere in the kitchen was calm, I could feel the questions about the shadow, the drawings I had left in the room, and Lina's words starting to circulate in my head again.

I felt that the day was just beginning, but I also knew that nothing would be ordinary.

I was still sitting at the table, warming my hands on a mug of cocoa, when my phone rang. I looked at the screen - Nadia. I sighed quietly before answering.

- Hey, old one! Are you going out today? Shall we go to the gallery? - She asked with enthusiasm, which contrasted sharply with my fatigue.

- I don't know, old... I'm a little tired... - I started to make excuses, but my mother looked at me from over her cup and raised an eyebrow.

- Go, take a walk, air out your head. It will do you good," she said before I could think of any excuse.

- Did you hear that? Your mother knows what she's saying! - Nadia laughed on the other side of the phone. - I'm at your block in an hour. Wrap it up!

- Okay, okay... - I muttered before she hung up.

Mom smiled slightly.

- Don't whine. You could use some normalcy.

I sighed heavily and rose from the table. I moved to the bathroom, where I stood in front of the mirror. I looked like seven woes - disheveled hair, black eyes that didn't even try to hide the lack of sleep. I washed my face with cold water, which momentarily helped me wake up.

I took a brush and started combing my hair, which didn't want to cooperate. Then it was time for makeup - I tried to cover the signs of fatigue with foundation and concealer, although it took me longer than usual. Finally, I used mascara and a soft blush on my cheeks.

I looked at the clock. Time was flying by, and I was still standing in the bathroom. I finally got dressed in something comfortable but reasonably nice - I didn't want to look like I had just gotten out of bed.

When I finished, I heard the intercom ring. I ran to it and heard Nadia's voice.

- It's me, open up!

I pressed the button and grabbed my bag still quickly. Mom looked at me before I left.

- Have fun and don't come back late.

- Sure, mom. Thanks," I chuckled as I walked away before heading out to the stairwell.

Nadia stood below, smiling broadly.

- Well, at last! I thought I was going to wait here an eternity! - she laughed, seeing me.

- Come on. I had a bit to figure out," I replied, dismissing her joke.

- Okay, okay, let's go now. I have to show you these new things in Zara! - she said enthusiastically, pulling me towards the bus stop.

We walked toward the gallery, and Nadia talked about what she was planning to buy. Her energy was contagious, although inside I felt that my mood was still dragging me down. Nonetheless, I tried to listen to her and, at least for a moment, forget about the shadow that was still circling in my head.

We entered the mall, and I immediately felt the noise hit me like a wave. Saturday - the worst day for shopping, especially in such a crowded place. There were people everywhere - mothers pushing carts with screaming bubbles, couples discussing shopping, and groups of teenagers who seemed to treat the mall as a meeting place.

The sounds of music from the speakers mingled with unintelligible snippets of conversation, the shrieks of children and the clatter of shoes against tiles. The air was filled with the smell of perfume, fast food and, surprisingly, warm waffles from a nearby stand.

- I love this place! - Nadia chuckled, rubbing her hands together as if she was waiting for her mission of a lifetime.

- You must be joking. It's hell on earth," I muttered when someone next to me rubbed his elbow against my shoulder without even apologizing.

- Oj, stop complaining. Come on, let's go to Zara! The sales are paradise! - Nadia grabbed my hand and moved into the crowd, almost dragging me behind her.

I tried not to run into any more people, which proved impossible. There were mothers with strollers everywhere, acting as if they had absolute priority. One of them was yelling at her child, who was throwing himself on the floor for lack of a lollipop, and I involuntarily thought about how parents can be blind to everything going on around them.

- Okay, here we are! - Nadia triumphantly pointed to the entrance of Zara, and I sighed quietly, seeing the crowd of people squeezing between the hangers.

Inside was even noisier than outside. People were knocking over hangers, searching through shelves and arguing over sizes, as if their lives depended on it. Nadia immediately dashed toward the sale area.

- Check it out! These jeans are overpriced! - she exclaimed, pulling one pair from the rack and adjusting them to fit.

- Well, yes, that's exactly what you need - more jeans," I said with irony, although I tried to sound kinder.

- Stop, these are unique! Come on, we still have to see the blouses.

We circulated between the hangers, and every now and then Nadia would pull out another item that she "couldn't let go of." I just watched, trying not to bump into more people who seemed to have forgotten the existence of personal space.

- Okay, let's go to the fitting room. You have to tell me what I look like," she announced with a smile, heading toward a line that seemed endless.

When we finally reached the booths, Nadia disappeared behind one of the curtains, and I sat down in a small chair next to her. All around us were the sounds of moving curtains, slamming hangers and the conversations of people complaining that nothing fit them.

- There, see! - Nadia leaned out from behind the curtain, presenting her first find - those jeans she thought were "overpriced."

- You look ok," I said with a slight smile, although inside I felt that all this was slowly starting to overwhelm me.

- Okay? Well, no kidding, Stara, they are great! - she threw out indignantly, returning to the fitting room.

I sat there, looking at more people passing by and wondering how much longer this would last. There was a strange tension in the air that I couldn't understand - maybe it was because of the crowd, the noise, or maybe something else entirely.

Nadia rushed out of the fitting room like a storm. She rushed into the store and started rearranging the hangers. She came back after a while holding a stack of clothes - tops, dresses and some tight jeans. Her eyes sparkled with excitement.

- Okay, now it's your turn! - she announced, throwing into my arms a cream dress with thin straps and some kind of tight top with rhinestones. - No excuses, old girl, you go try it on!

- No, Nadia, come on. You know it's not for me," I tried to wriggle out, but she only squinted and looked at me with determination.

- As I love you, I won't let you not try it on. You're going and you're going! - she said, almost pushing me into the fitting room.

I sighed heavily, grabbed my clothes and closed the curtain behind me. The dress was a little too elegant for going to the mall, and the rhinestone top looked like something girls wear to parties, but I knew Nadia wouldn't let go.

- Come on, show yourself! - she called out impatiently, tapping on the door of the fitting room.

Finally, I stepped out, feeling my cheeks burning. The dress sagged against me, emphasizing my slim figure, and the rhinestone top lay perfectly. Nadia looked at me and literally froze with a gaping face.

- Old man, seriously! You look like a model! Why don't you dress like that! - she exclaimed, covering her mouth with her hand. - Normally the dome is dropping, as if you jumped straight out of Vogue!

- Come on... - I muttered, looking at my reflection in the mirror. I didn't feel like a model at all. I felt like an out-of-shape pooch.

- No, seriously, girl, how would I have your figure.... - said Nadia, interrupting to sigh theatrically. - I would kill to get rid of my fat.

I pressed my lips together, feeling that I was about to explode. I returned to the fitting room, pulling off my dress.

- You know very well why I don't dress like that," I chuckled bitterly. - Because at school they would eat me right away. Sticks instead of legs and arms, no ass, no tits. Everyone just talks about me being like a boy.

Nadia squeezed into the fitting room, completely ignoring that it was a small space, and looked at me like I was crazy.

- They're little pricks who can only hear echoes in their pants, because there's nothing there. Do you understand? - She said, gesturing vigorously. - These are retards who have no idea about life or beauty. You are a model, and they? A bunch of morons and jealous people with mouths like potatoes.

I glanced at her out of the corner of my eye, putting my arms even more over my chest.

- Easy for you to say, as everyone adores you.

- Because I don't give them a reason to commute me. And you? Stop being afraid and show them what they're missing, because you seriously look divine," she added, glancing at the dress I was holding in my hands.

I didn't answer, just sighed quietly. Maybe she was right, but so what, since the world of school is constant survival, and I was tired of fighting.

Nadia was in her element. After Zara, she dragged me from store to store as if she had unlimited energy. We popped into Bershka, where she immediately rushed to the shelves with neon crop tops and wide-leg pants.

- Check out the old one! This would fit you perfectly! - she exclaimed, pulling out from the rack a short pink top with some kind of glittery writing on it.

- I'd sooner freeze than wear something like that," I replied, rolling my eyes.

- You have no style," Nadia chuckled with feigned resentment, but a moment later she was holding another item in her hands, this time some kind of oversized sweater that looked like it had been pulled out of her grandfather's closet.

- Okay, how about this? - She asked, but I could see in her eyes that she didn't believe it herself.

- Okay, Bershka is not my fave. We are going to Cropp," I announced, wanting to end her madness in that store.

At Cropp, I immediately headed to the tracksuit department. I was looking for something loose, in which I could just hide. Nadia, of course, was shocked by this fact.

- Seriously? Sweatpants? - she said with such reproach, as if I had just said that I was going to go to school in pajamas.

- Yes, sweatpants. They are comfortable and no one stares at me," I replied, browsing the hangers with gray and black sets.

- You're impossible," sighed Nadia, but she didn't try to convince me anymore. In the end, she helped me find some cool sets, although she kept whining that "with such a body I'm wasting potential."

- Seriously, old girl, how can you not want to look like a star? People would envy you, not hate you.

- Stop it, Nadia. They would laugh even more," I replied dryly.

When we finally emerged from Cropp with a bag full of loose clothes, Nadia said it was time for her favorite grub.

- KFC, my life! - she said enthusiastically, pulling me toward the food area.

The KFC was as loud and crowded as ever. She ordered her classic "Hot Wings" and a huge portion of fries, while I took something small - just a small set of strips to have an excuse to sit at the table.

- This is life, the old one. Shopping and KFC, what more do you want? - Nadia said, biting into the chicken.

- Mhm, for sure. Full happiness," I replied, stirring the fries with ketchup.

Nadia looked at me carefully, as if she had noticed something.

- Oi, and seriously. Are you okay? Because you have such a strange look lately, as if your thoughts are somewhere else.

- I'm fine. I'm just tired," I chuckled, avoiding her gaze.

- I know you. It's more than that," she said, looking at me seriously.

- Really, Nadia, everything is fine. There is nothing to talk about," I replied, finishing my portion.

Nadia did not look convinced, but she let it go, busying herself with her food. For a while there was a strange silence between us, broken only by the noise of the people around us and the sound of fries crunching under her teeth.

I sat there, looking at the people passing by, and wondered what would happen if I could be like Nadia - carefree, confident, not caring what others say. But that's not me. I never was, and I don't think I ever will be.