Chapter 8: The unbearable burden of being a teenager

That night, sleep seemed like something impossible. I was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, and my thoughts revolved around the shadow I saw in the bathroom. I still had its outline before my eyes - so close, almost real. I could feel my heart beating faster every time I closed my eyes. Every rustle in the apartment, every creak of the floor made me turn my head, expecting to see something in the darkness.

I rolled from side to side, but sleep was not coming. Lina, usually so loud, was now silent, as if even she didn't know what to say. And maybe that was the worst part - her silence, which left me alone with my thoughts.

In the morning I woke up tired, with a headache and a feeling of heaviness on my chest. School was the last place I wanted to go, but my mother insisted.

- It's only one day. Try to concentrate on your lessons, okay? - she said, looking at me with concern as I hurriedly drank cold tea.

I nodded, but inside I felt that this day would be the same as the night - full of anxiety and a silence that seemed louder than any words.

At school, everything was a blur. The day passed before I had time to notice it. Lessons merged into one - the teachers' voices sounded like a distant echo that made no sense. Even the guys who usually accosted me now ignored me. I was like a shadow passing through the halls.

At one of the breaks, the headmistress passed me in the hallway. She muttered something under her breath - probably something about my behavior - but I didn't even lift my head to look at her. Her words bounced off me as if I were shielded by an invisible barrier.

Nadia was not at school. I didn't know why, but her absence made me feel even more disconnected from reality. No one accosted me, no one tried to engage me in conversation. I was alone with my thoughts, which increasingly resembled a whirlpool from which I could not break free.

- Focus," said Lina suddenly, her voice appearing in my head for the first time since yesterday. - He is getting closer.

I stopped in the middle of the corridor, feeling my breathing speed up.

- What. Who? - I whispered, though no one could hear me over the noise of the interruption.

- Shadow. He will not let go. You have to be ready.

I felt a cold shiver run down my spine. I tried to calm down, but her words sounded in my head for the rest of the day, making it impossible for me to focus on anything else.

After school, my mother was already waiting for me in front of the gate, leaning against the car with the keys in her hand. When she saw me, she waved slightly, but I just nodded and headed in her direction. I knew why she was here, and frankly, I would rather go home and hide in my room.

- Are you ready? - She asked, opening the passenger door.

- Sure, as always," I muttered, getting inside.

The road to the office was quiet. My mother gave me concerned glances from time to time, but said nothing. I, on the other hand, felt Lina start her own again.

- This is a bad idea. Psychologists are only there to pull things out of people that should be hidden in them. Nothing good will come out of it.

I tried to ignore her, staring at the passing trees outside the window, but her words were like drops of water that slowly churned the rock.

When we got there, my mother stopped the car and looked at me with concern.

- Dear friends, please try to open up. It can really help.

I nodded my head, although I wasn't so sure at all. We entered the building and then the familiar waiting room, where the smell of coffee and soft music tried to create an atmosphere of calm. It wasn't working.

I sat down on one of the soft chairs, waiting for psychologist Anna to call me. Lina sat "next" to me, whispering quietly.

- They all pretend to know what they are doing. But all they really do is hurt you. They may talk about "treatment" or "help," but all they can do is judge.

I wiped my eyes with my hand, trying not to listen. Time passed slowly until finally the office door opened and Anna appeared in the threshold with a smile.

- Hi, May. You're invited.

I got up and moved behind her, feeling Lina accompanying me all the way.

The study looked the same as last time - bright walls, bookshelves and a soft armchair in the corner. I sat down, and she took the seat opposite me.

- How are you doing, Maya? - She asked with a smile. - How are your days going?

- It's okay," I lied, shrugging my shoulders.

Anna looked at me carefully.

- And at school? How are you doing?

I clenched my hands in my lap, feeling Lina start whispering again.

- Tell her that everything is great. Let her think there is no problem.

- Normally. Everything is ok," I replied quietly, trying to sound convincing.

The psychologist tilted her head, as if analyzing my every word.

- And how do you feel about what happened recently?

- Well. There's nothing to talk about," I replied quickly, avoiding her gaze.

But she didn't look convinced.

- Maya, you know that here you can say anything. No worries. This is your space.

I felt my heart speed up and Lina began to whisper louder and louder:

- It's a trap. They want you to open up so they can control you. Don't let them.

I tried to calm down, but I could feel the tension rising inside me. Everything in me was screaming to get away from here.

Anna looked at me intently, as if trying to read something more from my quiet tone and crossed arms. She began cautiously:

- I heard about the fight at school. I would like to understand what happened then. How do you feel about it? - She asked softly, as if she was afraid to frighten me.

I rolled my eyes, trying to hide my growing frustration. The rope in my head immediately spoke up:

- Don't tell her anything. They always pretend to understand and then use it against you.

- I don't know what I should supposedly feel. I did what had to be done," I said, shrugging my shoulders.

- What do you mean? - Anna leaned forward slightly, looking at me with concern.

I clasped my hands in my lap. I didn't want to talk about it, but something inside me began to bubble. Lina whispered, but this time her words were like fire fueling my anger.

- It was justice, okay? - I chuckled to myself, looking at Anna defiantly. - Someone must have done something, because no one else moved a finger.

Anna nodded slowly, giving me the space to continue.

- Teachers? They don't see anything. Parents? They have their own lives. Everyone doesn't give a damn! - My voice rose and my heart beat faster. - So yes, I did what I should have done. And I have no regrets.

- I understand that you feel left alone," Anna said calmly, as if trying to quench the anger that was boiling inside me like lava.

- Because it is! - I burst out, feeling tears begin to bake my eyes. - Everyone just talks about rules and non-violence, but so what? These retards laugh at me every day, and no one does anything about it!

The psychologist took a deep breath, looking at me with concern.

- Maya, I can see that you are carrying a lot of pain and frustration. It must be difficult.

- Difficult? No, this is a nightmare," I replied, feeling the anger give way to a sense of helplessness. - Every day I feel like a target. Like trash that everyone kicks. And I can't do anything about it.

Anna looked at me softly.

- I understand that you feel as if you have no control over what is happening. But violence, while it may seem like a temporary solution, often brings more problems than relief.

- It wasn't violence! It was a defense! - I interrupted, feeling Lina whispering:

- Don't let her. She is trying to manipulate you.

- It's okay, Maya, we don't have to call it now. However, I would like you to know that your feelings are important. What you experience matters," Anna said, her voice calm but firm. - I think it's worth it to find a way to get these emotions out of you in a different way. In a safe way.

I clenched my teeth, feeling Lina's interference again:

- The safe way? Laughable. It won't help.

- Maybe... - I said in the end, a little softer. - But it won't change anything anyway.

The psychologist smiled gently, as if to show me that she understood me.

- It's a process, May. Nothing changes right away. But I'm here to support you in it. We can work together to make you feel stronger and safer.

I didn't know what to answer. I felt my emotions swirling, and Lina whispered something on the edge of audibility. But somewhere in the middle there was a spark - small, but real. Maybe it is indeed worth a try. If only a little.

Anna looked at me carefully, her gaze was calm, as if she wanted me to know that she could listen to me without judging.

- Maya, I would like to understand what hurts you the most about what you experience at school. What do you feel when you hear the comments?

I sighed heavily, staring at the hands I kept clasped in my lap. Lina spoke up in my head, her voice calm, almost soothing:

- Tell her that it doesn't matter. That they are stupid and their words mean nothing.

- I feel... as if I wasn't there at all," I said, ignoring Lina. - As if everything I say, everything I do, doesn't matter. They just laugh at me.

- It must have been difficult for you, feeling invisible or disregarded. - Anna nodded, her voice full of concern. - And when you react, as you did then at school, does it bring relief?

I shrugged my shoulders.

- Maybe for a while. But then I feel even worse. It's like it's all coming back, only with more force.

Lina sighed in my head, this time with a little irritation:

- See? That's why it's not worth trying. They always win anyway.

I ignored her, and Anna continued.

- What you describe is a reaction to emotional pain. When we feel attacked, we naturally want to defend ourselves, sometimes even using anger. But there are ways we can deal with these emotions without hurting ourselves or others.

I looked at her skeptically.

- What ways?

- One of them is to learn to express your emotions in a healthy way. For example, by talking to someone you trust, writing a journal, or finding a hobby that allows you to get those feelings out. It could be art, sports, anything that makes you feel better.

Lina laughed quietly in my head:

- Sure, because painting pictures will change their behavior. It will definitely convince them to stop being assholes.

- What about them? - I asked sharply. - Why doesn't anyone tell them to change?

- That's a very good question," Anna answered without losing her composure. - People who hurt others often have their own problems, but that doesn't mean that their behavior is okay. However, you can start with yourself. You have a say in how you react and how you protect your emotions.

I thought for a moment, trying to digest her words. Lina whispered again, this time with a hint of sympathy:

- Don't listen to her. She wants you to think it's your fault.

- I'm not sure I can," I finally said quietly.

- You don't have to be sure now. It's a process that takes time. But I believe you have the strength within you to do it.

There was silence for a while, until Anna changed the subject.

- And what is it like at home, Maya? How is your relationship with your parents?

I felt my body stiffen. Lina immediately spoke up, her voice was now sharp and full of sarcasm:

- Tell her they are perfect. Or better yet, that they aren't.

- They are ... different," I finally said, trying to make my voice sound indifferent.

The psychologist raised her eyebrows, but said nothing, waiting for me to decide to speak further.

- Mom is trying, she really is. But sometimes I get the feeling that she doesn't quite know what she's doing. And father... He just is. And that's all," I added, feeling my throat tighten with emotion.

- It's normal that you may have mixed feelings about your parents, especially at difficult times. But it's important that you feel you have someone who supports you. Have you talked to your mother about how you feel?

I clasped my hands in my lap, looking at Anna, but couldn't get a word out. Her question about talking to my mother was like another weight that someone was trying to throw on my shoulders. Lina's voice, full of derision, immediately echoed in my head:

- Tell her the truth. That mom has so much on her mind that the last thing she wants is to hear your problems.

I sighed heavily and shrugged my shoulders.

- I am not able to talk to her about it. Mom. Mom already has enough problems. Work, bills, keeping it all up. She's tired of life. And on top of it all, her father is giving her a hard time.

Anna looked at me carefully, as if analyzing my every word.

- What do you mean by father?

I felt a wave of anger rising in me. I clenched my hands in my lap to control myself, but Lina did not stop whispering.

- Tell her what you really think. Let her know how much she annoys you.

- I mean that father is a total asshole," I finally said before I could stop myself. - He doesn't give a shit about anything. He only thinks about himself and his new family.

Anna raised her eyebrows, but her voice remained calm.

- Do you feel sorry for him?

I shook my head violently.

- Don't. Regret? That's too small a word. I hate him.

- Why? - She asked softly.

- Because. Because it could not exist for me, and I wouldn't notice it anyway. But of course it does exist. And he knows how to poison my life. All he has to do is show up and tell me to "integrate with my brother." As if it were my duty.

- Brother? - repeated Anna, her tone encouraging me to expand my thoughts.

- Marcelek. His father's son from his new family. He is unbearable. Father thinks he's my "real brother," but he's not. He is only a half-brother. - I felt my words become harsher. - He pretends that he is the father of the year, that he cares about me. But that's not true. He treats me like a customer in his corporation.

Anna was silent for a while, giving me the space to throw out everything that was overwhelming me.

- I feel that what you are saying is very difficult for you. You have a lot of anger inside you toward your father. Is it because you feel neglected by him? - She asked, her voice gentle but balanced.

- It's not just that. He treats me as if he has to "tick off" his time with me. He always talks about duties and responsibilities, as if being my father is some kind of business task for him. But the truth is that it doesn't matter to him. I don't matter," I expelled, feeling tears coming to my eyes.

Lina whispered quietly, almost like a devil on my shoulder:

- See? That's why you have me. I am always there. I will not abandon you.

The psychologist leaned in slightly, trying to catch my eye.

- Maya, I know that what you are saying is very painful. You have the right to feel the way you feel. But I want you to know that these emotions, although difficult, are natural. You are not responsible for how your father behaves.

I swallowed my saliva, not knowing what to answer. Chaos reigned in my head, and Lina whispered again:

- Don't listen to her. She wants you to think that everything can be fixed. But you can't. They are just words.

I clenched my hands even tighter, trying to control the emotions growing inside.

Anna looked at me, giving me a moment of silence. I felt her question hanging in the air, as yet unspoken but inevitable. Finally, she spoke up:

- Maya, is there anything else that bothers you? Something you would like to talk about?

I froze. The image of the shadow from the bathroom momentarily appeared in my mind, its silhouette leaning over me, as if it wanted to engulf me. I remembered the cold I felt, and the fear that still haunted me. I was already about to say something, but Lina interjected immediately, her voice sharp and full of warnings:

- Don't you dare tell her about it. It will only make things worse. They'll think you're crazy. That you need medication. Do you want them to lock you up somewhere where you're really crazy?

My heart sped up and the words got stuck in my throat. I felt my hands tighten on the edge of the chair, trying to hide my trembling.

- Maya? - Anna asked softly, her voice soft, as if she wanted to encourage me to open up.

- No, nothing... - I muttered, lowering my gaze. - I've already said everything.

- Are you sure? Sometimes the things that worry us the most are the hardest to say. But this place is safe. You can trust me," she said, leaning slightly toward me.

Lina laughed quietly in my head, her tone full of mockery:

- Safe? Laughable. She's just waiting to take you apart and write you down on a piece of paper as if you were a problem to be solved.

- I'm sure," I replied quickly, almost too quickly.

Anna looked at me closely, and I felt that this gaze of hers was scanning me thoroughly. I had a feeling that she knew I was hiding something, but I wasn't going to tell her anything. Lina was right - that would be the end of me.

- Bottom line. If you don't want to talk about it now, you don't have to. It's your decision, Maya. Just remember that when you're ready, I'm here to listen to you," she finally said, leaning back in her chair.

I nodded my head, although inside I felt like something was choking me. I wanted this conversation to end. I wanted to get away. But most of all, I wanted to stop thinking about the shadow that seemed to be getting closer and closer. I sat in my chair, feeling everything inside me burst. I couldn't hold it in anymore. Finally, I sighed heavily and looked at Anna, trying to collect my thoughts.

- I'm sick of it all. Life, school, people. I'm just ... I'm fed up," I said, and my voice trembled.

Anna did not respond immediately. She gave me space to continue, and her expectant gaze made the words begin to flow on their own.

- I feel as if... As if something is crushing me. As if a weight, so black, is engulfing everything around me. It's like... shadow. A huge shadow that surrounds me and.... finishes me off," I said, feeling tears begin to run down my cheeks.

Anna nodded, her expression remained calm, but I could see concern in her eyes.

- I understand that the shadow you are talking about seems very real. But you know, Maya, often such images can be the result of our emotional overload.

I looked at her, unsure of what she meant by that.

- This shadow can be a metaphor for all your feelings," she explained. - Anger, anger, sadness, a sense of misunderstanding.... all these things can accumulate in us and create something that overwhelms us. In your case, it might just be this shadow. It's like a creation of your head, produced by all those difficult experiences.

I felt Lina immediately interject her three cents:

- Didn't I tell you? This grandmother has no idea what's going on. She will tell you that it's all in your head. Fairy tales, nothing more.

I tried not to listen, but her words stuck in my thoughts like needles.

- But this is not just in my head," I said, feeling my emotions explode again. - This is real! I feel it on myself, I see it.... sometimes even when I don't want to!

Anna was silent for a moment, letting me get the words out. Then she answered in a calm voice:

- I understand that what you are experiencing seems very real. And I'm not going to deny it. But maybe this shadow, as you describe it, is your way of expressing what you feel deep inside?

I clenched my hands on the back of the chair, feeling Lina interject again:

- Don't let her convince you that it's just "emotions." She doesn't understand anything.

I closed my eyes, trying to calm down at least for a moment. But the shadow in my head seemed to grow bigger and bigger, as if it didn't care what Anna was saying. And Lina was only adding fuel to the fire.

I gathered my courage and looked at Anna, although inside I felt everything inside me trembling.

- What if... if this shadow consumes me? - I asked quietly, barely hearing my own voice.

The psychologist leaned forward slightly, her gaze full of concern and concentration. She was silent for a moment, as if trying to choose the right words.

- Maya, what you describe sounds like something very overwhelming. I understand that this shadow seems huge and omnipresent. But remember that you are the one in control. Even if it seems different now, your emotions, thoughts and perceptions are only a part of you, not the whole you.

I furrowed my eyebrows, trying to understand what exactly she meant. Lina spoke up almost immediately, her voice sarcastic:

- Control? Laughable. How are you supposed to control something that even she doesn't understand?

- How can I control it when I feel it's something terrible? - I asked, ignoring Lina, although her words still sounded in my head.

Anna smiled gently.

- It's not easy, May. But a step toward control is understanding. The more you know about your emotions and what triggers them, the easier it will be to control them. It takes time and work, but I believe you have the strength within you to do it.

I looked at her for a moment, trying to decide if I believed her. Lina laughed quietly:

- Strength? These are just empty words to make you feel better.

Before I had time to answer, Anna looked at the clock standing on the shelf.

- Unfortunately, our time is running out for today," she said with a slight regret in her voice. - But I would like you to think about what we discussed today. If you feel that this shadow is beginning to overwhelm you, try to name what you are feeling at the time. It could be anger, sadness, anxiety.... this is the first step to start regaining control.

I nodded, though chaos reigned in my head. Lina interjected again, her voice full of mockery:

- Sure, naming emotions will fix everything. Great plan.

I stood up as Anna opened the door and said goodbye to me with a smile. Mom was waiting in the waiting room, sitting on one of the soft couches and browsing something on her phone, and I felt as lost as I had before the conversation. Could all this really have made a difference? Would this shadow ever go away? I didn't have an answer.

As soon as she saw me, she tucked the smartphone into her bag and smiled, though I could see anxiety in her eyes.

- And how was it, darling? What did you talk about? - She asked, getting up and coming over to me.

I shrugged my shoulders, trying to dispose of her question.

- It was... ok. We talked in general. About school, about life, about parents.

Mom looked at me investigatively, as if to see if I was telling the truth, but ultimately did not press.

- That's good. The most important thing is that you're opening up, baby.

I nodded, and inside I could feel Lina commenting with exasperation:

- Are you opening up? To what? To even more questions that won't change anything?

On the way home, I sat quietly, looking at the passing streets and trees. I felt fatigue slowly overtake me. Maybe it was because of the conversation with the psychologist, or maybe it was because of all the thoughts that kept me awake.

As soon as we entered the apartment, I dropped my backpack by the door and turned to my mother.

- I'm exhausted. I'm going to go to bed.

- Well, get some rest. If you need anything, let me know," Mom said, looking at me with concern.

I nodded and went to my room. I closed the door, threw myself on the bed and immediately covered myself with a quilt, as if that would protect me from the whole world.

In my head I could still hear Lina muttering something on the edge of audibility, but I was too tired to listen in.

- Good night," chuckled Lina quietly, before falling completely silent.

Fatigue finally won out. My eyes closed on their own, and I fell asleep, although somewhere in the back of my mind I felt that this was only a temporary respite before another day full of chaos.