How to die in the most embarrassing way
Hello reader what's up its me the author of this novel hope you like it because it is full of non logical thinking because I am non logical too 😗 I was so bored that I wanted to create a novel that is funny and long that's what's she said just a jokingly part no harm if anything happen in this novel no worry because this is just novel OK bye guys don't forget to give reviews
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The day **Kaito Tachibana** died began with a pigeon.
Not just any pigeon—a pigeon wearing a tiny top hat. It perched on his windowsill, stared at him with the existential despair of a creature that had just discovered student loans, and then pooped on his copy of *Quantum Physics for Dummies*. Kaito, a man whose life résumé read "professional disappointment," squinted at the bird.
"You're mocking me, aren't you?" he said.
The pigeon burped a tiny cloud shaped like a middle finger and flew away.
Kaito sighed. The universe had always treated him like a typo in a sacred text. His parents named him after a distant uncle's favorite sushi roll. His only friend was a cactus named Steve that died of loneliness (RIP, Steve). And today, his job as a "quantum janitor" involved cleaning a lab where scientists kept inventing black holes that doubled as coffee makers. Last week, a *caramel macchiato singularity* nearly vaporized his broom.
But Kaito's real problem was the banana peel.
Not a normal banana peel. Oh no. This one shimmered with the iridescent sheen of a disco ball dipped in existential dread. It lay innocently on the sidewalk outside the lab, right where Kaito always tripped over his own existential crisis. He spotted it, paused, and muttered, "That's not OSHA-compliant."
Then he stepped on it anyway.
What happened next defied all laws of physics, dignity, and basic common sense. Kaito didn't just slip—he *folded*. Reality itself crinkled like a bad origami project, and he plummeted through layers of spacetime like a sock lost in the multiverse's dryer. His final thought?
*"Of course. My life peaks as a slapstick punchline."*
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**Death, But Make It Bureaucratic**
He woke up in a room that resembled a DMV designed by a caffeinated galaxy. The walls pulsed with fractal patterns, and a floating desk floated in front of a floating chair floating in front of… a floating duck?
The duck quacked. A nametag materialized: **Draxyl, Pan-Dimensional Bureaucrat (He/Him/AAAAAAAAA)**.
"Welcome to the Cosmic Weave, mortal!" Draxyl said, voice echoing like a choir of fax machines. "You have been chosen to fix glitches in the fabric of reality. Congratulations!"
Kaito blinked. "I died because of a sentient banana peel."
"Correction: *interdimensional* banana peel. Very rare. You should feel honored!"
"I don't."
"Irrelevant!" The duck slid a contract across the desk. It was written in font only comprehensible to people who'd snorted stardust. "Sign here to accept your role as a Glitchsmith. Benefits include immortality, unlimited sick days, and a complimentary tote bag."
Kaito squinted. "What's the catch?"
"Oh, you'll occasionally fight eldritch gods, unravel paradoxes, and maybe die a few thousand times. Standard stuff."
Kaito picked up the pen. It screamed. He set it down. "Hard pass."
Draxyl's feathers ruffled. "You can't refuse! Your soul is already—"
"Uninsured? Unemployed? Unimpressed?" Kaito leaned back. "Look, I've seen enough sci-fi to know where this goes. You need me more than I need you. Otherwise, you wouldn't have used a *duck* to negotiate."
The room flickered. For a nanosecond, the duck became a towering entity with eyes made of dying stars. Then it was just a duck again, sweating nervously.
"…Fine. What do you want?"
Kaito smirked. "Answers. Starting with why my name isn't in your system."
Draxyl froze. "How did you—?"
"Your contract called me 'Subject Null.' My *cactus* got a more creative obituary."
The duck's beak clacked open and shut. Finally, it sighed. "You weren't supposed to exist. Your name… it's been erased. From *everything*. Even the multiverse's spam folder."
Kaito raised an eyebrow. "So I'm a glitch?"
"Worse. You're a glitch who *noticed*."
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**First Assignment: The Tuesday That Wasn't**
Draxyl sent him to a world where time flowed backward every Tuesday. Citizens aged in reverse, babies gave retirement speeches, and hangovers came *before* the party. The locals begged Kaito to fix it.
He stared at the chaos, scratched his chin, and said, "Easy. Tax it."
"Tax… time?"
"Yep. Charge entropy fees. If Tuesday wants to be special, it'll pay up." He scribbled equations on a napkin, inventing an economic system so absurd, time itself filed for bankruptcy. By Wednesday (which was now twice as long), the planet stabilized.
As Kaito left, a citizen shouted, "Who *are* you?!"
He shrugged. "The guy your universe forgot to delete."
*"Life Pro Tip: If reality offers you a job, ask for dental. Also, avoid sentient fruit."*