Why the Edge of existence has terrible WiFi
**Previously, on *I Died on a Banana Peel*:**
After suing gravity into submission and reducing a demonic HR auditor to a twitching pile of trauma, Kaito followed a cryptic hologram's coordinates to **The Edge of Existence**—a place even gods fear to tread. Draxyl, now sporting a tiny hard hat and a resignation letter duct-taped to his wing, muttered, "This is how horror movies start." Kaito's response? "Horror movies don't have *snack breaks*."
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**The Edge of Existence (Spoiler: It's Edge-Lord Central)**
The Edge wasn't a place. It was a *vibe*. A swirling maelstrom of fractal storms, sentient geometry, and a faint smell of burnt popcorn. Reality here was held together by cosmic duct tape and a prayer. The sky? A glitching screen saver. The ground? Literal fine print from the multiverse's terms of service.
Draxyl poked a floating "HERE BE DRAGONS" sign. It hissed. "Why does everything here want to eat us?"
Kaito shrugged. "Because we're delicious. Also, *look*." He pointed at a neon billboard flashing: **WELCOME TO THE EDGE! POPULATION: YOU (PROBABLY)**.
"Charming," Draxyl deadpanned. "Can we leave before the existential dread kicks in?"
"Nope. We're here to find the **First Glitch**." Kaito's aura pulsed, morphing into a GPS arrow that pointed toward a black hole wearing a top hat. "That way."
The black hole tipped its hat. **"Howdy, partners. Y'all lost?"**
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**The First Glitch (Or: How to Roast a Cosmic Anomaly)**
The First Glitch wasn't a thing. It was a *who*. A sentient rift in reality shaped like a 1930s radio host, complete with a velvet voice and a grudge against modern music.
**"Greetings, Kaito Tachibana,"** it boomed, static crackling like celestial fire. **"I've been expecting you. I am the Original Error. The Glitch That Started It All. The—"**
"—guy who needs a better publicist," Kaito interrupted. "Your branding's stuck in the Great Depression. Ever heard of *rebranding*? Maybe a TikTok dance?"
The Glitch's frequency spiked. **"I AM THE FOUNDATION OF ALL CHAOS. I DO NOT *DANCE*."**
"Sure you do." Kaito hacked a nearby star cluster into a disco ball. "This is your song." He played *Stayin' Alive* through a supernova.
The Glitch shuddered. **"STOP. THIS IS UNDIGNIFIED."**
"Says the black hole in a top hat. Talk."
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**The Secret History of the Multiverse (Abridged Version)**
The Glitch sighed, its voice warping into a tired professor's. **"Long ago, the Council of Equilibrium *created* the multiverse. But their first draft… was flawed. A *glitch*. Me. Instead of fixing it, they buried me here and built everything on my code. I am the bedrock of their lies."**
Kaito raised an eyebrow. "So the whole multiverse is… *beta software*?"
**"CORRECT. And you, Kaito, are the *patch*. A Band-Aid for their incompetence. Elara Vorne discovered this. She tried to expose them… so they erased her. But you—*you* slipped through. A glitch they cannot control."**
Draxyl gasped. "Wait, so Kaito's… *important*?"
"No," Kaito said. "I'm *annoying*. That's worse."
The Glitch's static sharpened. **"The Council fears you. Because you are what Elara could have been—*free*. But to survive, you must merge with me. Become the *Ultimate Glitch*."**
Kaito stared. "Hard pass. I don't even merge my Spotify playlists."
**"FOOL! WITHOUT ME, THE COUNCIL WILL DELETE YOU!"**
"And *with* you, I'll be stuck listening to your jazz-age rants forever. No thanks."
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**The Aura Showdown (Or: How to Out-Glitch a Glitch)**
The First Glitch attacked, unraveling reality into fractal tentacles. Kaito's aura flared—a mix of stolen god-energy, spite, and 90% pure sarcasm—and clashed with the Glitch's primordial static.
Draxyl ducked behind a legal disclaimer. "THIS ISN'T IN MY JOB DESCRIPTION!"
"You don't *have* a job!" Kaito shouted, wrestling a tentacle into a pretzel. "You're a *consultant*!"
The Glitch roared, **"YOU CANNOT WIN! I AM CHAOS INCARNATE!"**
"Chaos, huh?" Kaito grinned. "Let's play a game." He hacked the Edge's code, morphing the battlefield into a **Mario Kart race**. The Glitch was stuck as a Koopa Troopa.
**"WHAT IS THIS MADNESS?!"**
"Blue shell time," Kaito said, crossing the finish line. The Glitch exploded into 8-bit confetti.
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**The Aftermath (Or: How to Collect Cosmic Trauma)**
The First Glitch reformed, humbled and pixelated. **"Fine. You win. But the Council will come for you. They'll—"**
"Yeah, yeah. I'll handle it." Kaito tossed the Glitch a USB drive labeled *How to Exist in 10 Easy Steps*. "Read Chapter 4: 'Touch Grass.'"
As they left, Draxyl whispered, "What did the Glitch mean about you being a *patch*?"
Kaito stared into the void. "It means I'm not the hero. I'm the *update* everyone skips."
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**Meanwhile, in the Council's Secret Lair**
The Council of Equilibrium—a shadowy cabal of entities shaped like evil office furniture—watched the showdown via a haunted Zoom call.
**"He's too dangerous,"** hissed a sentient filing cabinet. **"Activate Protocol: Final Delete."**
A grandfather clock oozing black sludge chuckled. **"Send the *Lawyers of Reality*. They'll sue him out of existence."**
The filing cabinet slammed a drawer. **"No. Send… *Karen*."**
The screen cut to static.
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**Cliffhanger Tease:**
Back at the Cosmic Weave, Kaito found his aura acting… *weird*. It flickered with Elara's face, whispering, *"You're close. Find the *Core Code*. It's in the last place they'd look."*
Draxyl groaned. "Please don't say 'your mom's basement.'"
Kaito smirked. "Worse. *Tax season*."
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**Funny End-of-Chapter Message:**
*"Life Tip: If reality tries to erase you, just say 'no.' Legally, they can't do anything without a 30-day notice. Probably."*
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**Author's Note for my beloved readers
*This chapter pairs well with existential confusion and a bag of off-brand gummy worms. Chapter 5: *Why Karen is the Multiverse's Final Boss*—coming soon. Stay weird, my glitches.*