When demon's Demands Dental benefit
**Previously, on *I Died on a Banana Peel*:**
After roasting a time god into early retirement and Rickrolling an entire pantheon, Kaito discovered a file labeled **ELARA VORNE: THE WOMAN WHO NEVER WAS**—with his own face staring back. Draxyl, the pan-dimensional duck-bureaucrat, responded to this revelation by sweating nervously and muttering about Happy Hour.
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**Now, Let's Get Trauma-Bonded Over Cosmic Nonsense:**
Kaito slammed the file on Draxyl's floating desk, which immediately transformed into a stress ball shaped like a sobbing emoji. "Explain. Now. Why do I look like a missing person's poster for someone who doesn't exist?"
Draxyl's feathers molted in real-time. "Uh… *coincidence*?"
"Try again. With less lying."
The duck sighed. "Fine. Elara Vorne was supposed to be the Glitchsmith. Brilliant scientist, master of cosmic code, yadda yadda. But she… *deleted herself* from reality. Poof! No trace, no memories, just… *void*. Then *you* showed up. Same face, same skills, but… *wrong*. Like a bootleg DVD of her life."
Kaito's aura flickered, absorbing the room's overhead lighting and repurposing it into a disco ball of rage. "So I'm a *glitchy replacement*?"
"More like a *feature*, not a bug!" Draxyl chirped, then winced. "Okay, that was worse out loud. Look, the Cosmic Weave needed *someone* to fix things, and you were… *available*."
"I was *dead*."
"Tomato, *tomahto*. Point is, the multiverse is hiding something big. Maybe Elara found it. Maybe that's why she erased herself. Maybe—"
A portal ripped open above them, and a voice boomed: **"Kaito Tachibana. You've been randomly selected for a *multiverse HR audit*."**
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**Enter the Demon of HR (Literally)**
The creature that slithered out was 80% tentacle, 20% clipboard, and 100% *corporate nightmare*. Its nametag read **Zalthor, Soul Compliance Officer (They/Them/The Abyss)**.
Zalthor: **"Your recent *god-roasting incident* has triggered a review of your Glitchsmith contract. Please prepare your *existential documentation* and a list of five references… *who aren't dead*."**
Kaito leaned back. "My references are Steve the cactus, two black holes, and a sentient Excel spreadsheet I traumatized. Also, *you*." He pointed at Draxyl.
The duck hissed. "*Traitor!*"
Zalthor's tentacles quivered. **"This is non-negotiable. Failure to comply will result in *immediate termination*."**
"Cool. Let's negotiate anyway." Kaito's aura flared, projecting a PowerPoint titled *Why HR Demons Are Just Middle Managers With Extra Tentacles*. "First slide: Your 'audit' is a power trip. Second slide: Your clipboard's on fire."
The clipboard burst into flames. Zalthor screamed in a language that made three nearby galaxies file for therapy.
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**The Aura Wars (Or: How to Gaslight a Demon)**
Zalthor retaliated by unleashing their **Auditor Aura™**, a soul-crushing force designed to make mortals confess to crimes like "existing too loudly." But Kaito—hopped up on stolen god-energy and spite—just… *vibed*.
"Your aura's cute," he said, snacking on cosmic popcorn. "Like a haunted fax machine. But I've seen scarier vibes from a *traffic cone*."
Zalthor's tentacles spasmed. **"You… defy… *compliance*!"**
"Nah. I *redefine* it." Kaito hacked into their aura, reprogramming it to play *Baby Shark* on loop. Zalthor's eldritch screeches harmonized beautifully.
Draxyl whispered, "You're *insane*."
"And you're *fired*," Kaito said, tossing the duck into a decorative plant.
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**The Audit's Secret Purpose**
After reducing Zalthor to a twitching pile of trauma, Kaito found a hidden clause in the audit paperwork: **"Subject Null (Kaito) exhibits *anomalous overlap* with Entity Elara Vorne. Recommend immediate *dimensional purging*."**
He turned to Zalthor, now curled in the fetal position. "Who ordered the purge?"
**"The… *Council of Equilibrium*,"** Zalthor whimpered. **"They fear what you'll discover. What Elara discovered. The multiverse… *it's a patchwork*. A *failed experiment*. They're hiding—"**
A portal swallowed Zalthor mid-sentence, leaving behind a sticky note: **"SEE YOU IN COURT :) – Management."**
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**Meanwhile, in the World of Literal Laws**
To "avoid further incidents," Draxyl dumped Kaito in a dimension where *laws of physics were enforced by actual lawyers*. Gravity sued a rock for "unauthorized falling." Light speed got a parking ticket.
Kaito's task? Fix the glitch. His solution?
"Objection!" he shouted in the courtroom of reality. "The prosecution's argument is *circular*… just like the planet." He proved Earth was flat by suing *gravity itself* for false advertising. The judge (a sentient gavel) ruled in his favor, and the world dissolved into a legal paradox.
As Kaito left, a lawyer whispered, "Who *are* you?!"
He tossed them a business card: **"Kaito Tachibana: Professional Glitch, Amateur Menace. P.S. Your wig's on fire."**
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**Cliffhanger Tease:**
Back in the Cosmic Weave, Kaito found a dusty hologram of Elara Vorne. She whispered, *"Find the *First Glitch*. The one they buried. It's… you."*
Then the hologram exploded into static, leaving behind a single coordinate: **The Edge of Existence.**
Draxyl peeked out from the plant. "We're *not* going there."
Kaito grinned. "Pack a lunch. We're going *glitch-hunting*."
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**Funny End-of-Chapter Message:**
*"Remember: If life audits you, audit back harder. Also, always carry a fire extinguisher when roasting gods. Trust me."*