One-Liners!

Actually this is the Chapter 69. Mockumentary was a side-story, so doesn't count.

Daily Meme

Also, I dropped this in chat yesterday, so everyone needs to see this cuteness.

And lastly, OG_DEADPOOL2002, this is one is for you!

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Aizawa stood at the front of the class, his usual dead-inside stare scanning over us like he was already regretting everything.

"Our first objective will be earning Provisional Hero Licenses."

I raised a brow. "Finally. Thought we were just gonna keep playing dorm life simulator."

Bakugo scoffed. "Tch. Like you would pass."

I shot him finger guns. "Confidence is key, Bitch Boom. I am trying different orders to keep it original. If you like I can just call you Bitch."

Aizawa ignored us. "The exam is extremely strict. Less than five percent pass each year."

Mina groaned. "That low? That's evil."

Iida, of course, looked like this was the Olympics. "That only means we must train harder!"

Mineta slumped over his desk. "Man, just for a provisional license? How bad could it be?"

Aizawa's look practically screamed, You're about to find out.

"And that's why," he continued, "starting today, you'll each be developing at least two special moves."

A few people perked up. Special moves actually sounded fun. Others… not so much.

Mineta tilted his head. "Wait, like signature attacks?"

Aizawa nodded. "Your Quirk, your body, and your instincts must all be sharpened. This is a requirement for passing the exam."

As we walked out of the classroom toward Gym Gamma, the System decided to make an entrance.

[WUZZUP BITCH? MISSED ME?]

I rolled my eyes. "No."

[TOO BAD. YOU'VE GOT WORK TO DO. NEW QUEST: CREATE TWO ULTIMATE MOVES. FAILURE: YOU'LL SUCK FOREVER. 

BONUS QUEST: TEACH YOUR CLASSMATES TO HAVE AT LEAST ONE DECENT ONE-LINERS FOR VILLAINS. FAILURE: YOU'LL HAVE TO LISTEN TO MINETA'S 'FLIRTING' FOR A WEEK.]

I exhaled sharply. "Oh, fuck off."

[NO.]

We reached the gym, and Midnight, Cementoss, and Ectoplasm were already waiting. Midnight had that usual look that said she was either going to make someone uncomfortable or laugh at someone's suffering. Cementoss just looked tired, and Ectoplasm—well, he looked the same as always.

"Welcome to special move training," Midnight said. "By the time we're done here, you should have at least two ultimate techniques unique to your fighting style."

"That means you're going to be testing your limits," Cementoss added. "And possibly breaking past them."

"Try not to die," Ectoplasm finished.

"Great pep talk," I muttered.

Midnight clapped her hands together. "Alright, before we get into it, we're going to warm up. Get moving."

I raised my hand and looked at Aizawa. "I already have Galaxy Impact and Divine Departure. Do I still need to make more?"

Aizawa gave me that deadpan look he had perfected. "They take too long to charge. You need ultimate moves you can use right off the bat. Pun intended."

I nodded. "That makes sense. Welp, time to make more ultimate moves. Not like I have anything better going on."

Everyone got to work. Some were trying to modify what they already had, others were coming up with new shit from scratch. Bakugo was blasting targets into next week, Todoroki was freezing and melting the training ground like he was trying to ruin maintenance's whole career, and Kaminari was either charging up or about to give himself brain damage again.

I had my own ideas, but I wasn't about to start throwing out names for attacks I hadn't tested. Instead, I got through my warm-up, let the others burn themselves out, and when it was time for a break, I pulled everyone aside while they ate.

"Alright," I said, waving them over. "New plan. We're working on one-liners."

Kirishima blinked. "Wait, what?"

"One-liners," I repeated. "You know, cool shit to say before you punch someone in the face. Or right after. Either way, it's a necessary skill."

Sero smirked. "Dude, you just wanna make sure we don't embarrass ourselves in front of villains."

"Exactly," I said. "I can't be associated with people who say dumb shit when the cameras are rolling."

"You literally talk shit 24/7," Jiro said.

"Thanks, it is a skill," I pointed out. "Some of you? Have none."

Midnight, Cementoss, and Ectoplasm wandered over, probably sensing the potential for chaos. Midnight leaned on one hip, looking way too entertained already. "So, what's this about one-liners?"

"Teaching these losers how not to sound like idiots," I said.

Cementoss nodded. "A valuable skill."

Ectoplasm crossed his arms. "Proceed."

I clapped my hands. "Alright, let's hear what you've got. Kaminari, go."

Kaminari grinned, standing up like he was about to drop the best shit ever. He pointed dramatically. "Your crimes have been—" He paused, looking around. "Wait, what's the word?"

Bakugo groaned. "Oh, for fuck's sake."

Kaminari snapped his fingers. "Right! 'Your crimes have been short-circuited!'"

The silence was painful.

Sero rubbed his face. "Bro…"

Mina cringed. "That was rough."

Jiro sighed. "You're hopeless."

I shook my head. "That was the worst shit I've ever heard. Never say that again."

Kaminari collapsed back onto the bench. "Man, you guys suck."

"Your one-liner sucks," I shot back. "Todoroki, you got anything?"

Todoroki thought for a second. "I could say, 'Looks like things are heating up.'"

Everyone stared.

Jiro finally broke the silence. "Okay, no."

Kirishima frowned. "Dude, that's so basic."

Mina nodded. "You can't just throw a fire pun and call it a day."

Todoroki tilted his head. "Why not?"

"Because it's lame," I said. "Next. Yaoyorozu?"

Yaoyorozu hesitated. "Must we use one-liners? Wouldn't it be more efficient to act rather than waste time speaking?"

I groaned. "Come on, give me something."

She sighed. "Alright. Perhaps something like… 'Your defeat was inevitable.'"

Bakugo snorted. "Tch. That's so damn stiff."

Mina mimicked her tone. "'Your defeat was inevitable!'" She shook her head. "You sound like a boss fight tutorial."

Yaoyorozu huffed. "Well, excuse me for preferring professionalism."

I pointed at Bakugo. "Alright, Blasty, what's yours?"

Bakugo rolled his eyes. "I don't need a fucking one-liner."

"Yes, you do," I said. "You yell all the time anyway, might as well make it good."

He scoffed, arms crossed. "Fine. 'Die.'"

Jiro sighed. "That's not a one-liner, that's just murder."

Bakugo shrugged. "And?"

Midnight giggled. "Well, it's certainly on brand."

I shook my head. "Alright, so far, we've got one guy who can't remember words, a fire pun enthusiast, an AI tutorial response, and attempted homicide. We're off to a great start."

I turned to Kirishima. "You?"

He grinned. "'Manly punch incoming!'"

More silence.

I sighed. "Kiri, buddy. That's…"

Jiro leaned back. "That's not it, chief."

Kirishima rubbed his neck. "Yeah, okay, maybe I'll workshop it."

I turned to Mineta. "If you say anything remotely perverted, you're getting launched into the stratosphere."

Mineta froze. "I wasn't gonna—"

Shoji was already cracking his knuckles.

Mineta cleared his throat. "Uh, pass."

"Good choice," I said. "Okay, Uraraka?"

She tapped her chin. "Hmm… maybe something like, 'You're about to feel gravity's wrath!'"

Mina nodded. "Okay! Not bad!"

I shrugged. "Little dramatic, but not bad."

I turned to Jiro. "You?"

She smirked. "How about, 'This'll be music to your ears' before I blast them with soundwaves?"

I grinned. "Finally, something decent."

Sero nudged her. "Damn, that's actually cool."

She smirked. "Unlike the rest of you."

Midnight clapped. "Alright, this is fun, but we should probably get back to actual training."

Cementoss nodded. "Yes, yes. We'll leave you to your… creative process after the training."

Ectoplasm just sighed and walked off.

I stood. "Alright, you heard 'em. Let's get back to work. And for the love of God, if any of you say some dumb shit during a fight, I'm disowning you."

Bakugo scoffed. "Like you own us in the first place, dumbass."

I grinned. "Don't worry. You'll always be my favorite disappointment."

He threw an explosion at my head. I dodged.

Training continued.

In the evening, we gathered in the dorm's common area, everyone spread out on couches or the floor. Kirishima and Kaminari were going at it on PlayStation, talking shit back and forth like it was a ranked tournament. A couple of people were munching on the sweets Sato brought, while the rest just lounged around, unwinding from the day's training.

I clapped my hands. "Alright, let's hear 'em. You had all day to prepare."

Kirishima glanced over, controller still in hand. "You serious?"

"Do I look like I'm joking?"

"Yes," Bakugo muttered, slouched against the couch with his arms crossed.

"Shut up, Boom Bitch," I said, waving at the others. "Come on. Let's hear what you came up with."

"Ugh, can't we wait till tomorrow?" Kaminari groaned, mashing buttons. "Some of us are busy."

"Busy losing," Kirishima corrected.

"I swear to god—" Kaminari's character got knocked out, and he threw his hands up. "Okay, that was rigged."

I ignored him and pointed at Uraraka. "You got anything?"

She sat up, wiping crumbs off her shirt. "I dunno, the gravity one was fine, right?"

Mina leaned against the armrest. "I thought it was solid."

"Meh." I tilted my head. "It's alright. Still kinda sounds like you pulled it from a kids' show, but we'll work on it."

Uraraka frowned. "What's wrong with kids' shows?"

"Nothing if you're five."

"Dick."

Jiro looked over from her spot near the kitchen. "I'm keeping mine. It's good."

"Yeah, yeah, rockstar, we get it," Kaminari muttered. "Not all of us have built-in cool factor."

"Sounds like a skill issue."

I pointed at Todoroki. "You better not be keeping that fire pun."

He blinked. "I think it's fine."

"It's not."

Yaoyorozu shifted in her seat. "If we must have one-liners, I would prefer something more—"

"Regal?" Sero guessed.

"I was going to say 'tactical.'"

"Yeah, and I was going to say Bakugo's charming, but we all know that's a lie," I said.

Bakugo twitched. "You wanna die?"

"Not before I hear everyone else embarrass themselves." I turned to Kirishima. "Go on."

He rubbed his chin. ""Okay, I revised it—how's this one?" 'Unbreakable Will, Unstoppable Strength!'"

"Ew."

"Harsh," Kaminari muttered.

"Do you want me to lie?" I gestured at him. "Fine. That was amazing, Kiri. Truly inspiring. I've never been more moved in my life."

Kirishima sighed. "Yeah, okay, I'll workshop it… Again."

Tokoyami crossed his arms. "What about 'Darkness Devours'?"

Mina winced. "That's kinda… serial killer-y."

"It's thematic."

"It's weird."

Tokoyami didn't respond, just sank deeper into his shadowy brooding like that would make it sound less like an anime villain catchphrase.

I turned to Bakugo. "So what about you, Murder McBoomBoom?"

"Don't need one."

"Yes, you do."

"No, I don't."

"Yes, you do."

Bakugo scowled. "Fine. 'DIE.'"

"I didn't want to use these so early," I said, holding back a smirk. "But I have some embarrassing pictures of you, Bakugo. You better work that little head of yours."

Bakugo's eye twitched. "The fuck did you just say?"

I stretched out on the couch. "Oh, nothing. Just reminding you that if you don't come up with something better than 'die,' I might have to let the class see a certain picture from middle school."

Kirishima perked up. "Wait, wait—pictures? Dude, you got dirt on Bakugo?"

"Not dirt. Art." I laced my fingers behind my head. "Ever seen Bakugo with a bowl cut?" (Check here)

Sero nearly dropped his drink. "Bullshit."

"Swear on my life." I turned to Kaminari. "Swear on yours?"

"Absolutely. We both know I don't care if I die."

Bakugo's palms started crackling. "I'm gonna kill you."

"You can try, but that won't change the fact that the whole world will know Baby Boom Boy had a bowl cut phase." I held up an imaginary phone. "Imagine the memes, the edits, the—"

"FINE!" Bakugo growled, fists clenched. "Give me a fucking second."

I waved a hand. "Take your time, champ."

Mina, barely holding it together, nudged Jiro. "I wanna see the pictures so bad."

Jiro, trying and failing not to laugh, just nodded.

Bakugo crossed his arms, clearly trying to piece together something that wouldn't make him sound like a psychopath. Which, for him, was asking a lot. "Tch. How about…" He exhaled sharply. "'Blow away, weakling.'"

Mina snorted. "Dude, that sounds like something an edgy ten-year-old would say in an anime dub."

Kirishima frowned. "Yeah, I mean, you could definitely do better, bro."

Bakugo scowled. "Fine. 'I'll send you flying.'"

I groaned. "Bitch, stop making it sound like you're launching Team Rocket."

Kaminari laughed. "Man's got Saturday morning cartoon energy."

Jiro mimicked a rocket blasting off. "Bakugo and his explosions are blasting off again!"

Bakugo turned, aiming a hand at her. "Shut the hell up!"

Jiro just flicked him off.

Yaoyorozu, still trying to keep things somewhat productive, tapped her chin. "Perhaps something more impactful? Something that reflects both your power and confidence?"

Bakugo's jaw twitched. "'Feel the blast.'"

I stared at him. "You just said 'die' but with extra words."

Uraraka tilted her head. "It's… more structured?"

Jiro sighed. "Yeah, still kinda lame."

Sero scratched his head. "Maybe add a little more personality? Something that actually fits you?"

Bakugo clicked his tongue. "Like what?"

I shrugged. "Figure it out." I turned to Shoji. "Alright, big guy. I have high hopes. What you got?"

Shoji adjusted his mask slightly. "I was thinking something simple. 'You can't hide from me.'"

Kaminari raised a brow. "Kinda ominous."

Mina nodded. "Yeah, that sounds like something you would hear in a horror movie."

Shoji shrugged. "It works."

I tapped my chin. "It's alright. Fits you, at least."

Sero grinned. "Alright, who's next? Let's see if anyone can top Bakugo's literary masterpiece."

Bakugo tensed. "I'll fucking kill you."

"See? That's more natural."

Todoroki, still sitting like he was debating whether or not to care, finally spoke. "Does it matter that much?"

Mina stretched. "Well, yeah! You gotta have something cool to say."

Jiro nodded. "It's part of the job. We're on TV. People remember this stuff."

"Especially if you say some dumb shit," I added. "Nobody wants to be the guy who gets quoted sounding like an idiot."

Kirishima grinned. "Or worse, gets memed."

Yaoyorozu sighed. "This is absurd."

I waved her off. "You say that now, but watch how fast people start clowning you if you yell something weird mid-fight."

Mineta leaned forward. "What about—Prepare to be… tenderized, baby~" 

"Nope. Go to horny jail." I cut in.

Mineta scowled. "Rude."

Tsuyu stared for a second before continuing. "'You're about to croak.'"

There was a pause. A long one.

Kaminari made a face. "Uhhh…"

Mina slowly turned to Jiro. "Did she just—?"

Jiro rubbed her temple. "Yeah."

I pointed at Tsuyu. "That was either genius or the worst shit I've ever heard. I can't decide."

"It fits," she said.

"It does," I admitted. "But also, it sounds like you're a fucking serial killer."

She tilted her head. "And?"

Kirishima snorted. "Honestly, I kinda like it."

"Of course you do," Jiro muttered.

Sero folded his arms. "I dunno, man. It feels… wrong."

Mina waved her hands. "No, no, let's lean into it. Just go full unhinged. 'You're about to croak' right before she drops a guy into a swamp and walks away."

Kaminari shook his head. "I dunno if that's badass or terrifying."

"Both," Tsuyu said.

Jiro sighed. "I hate that it works."

Uraraka smiled confidently. "I still think mine is fine. Gravity's got you now!"

Bakugo scoffed. "Weak."

"Stronger than you in zero gravity," Uraraka shot back.

Kaminari grinned. "Oof."

I clapped my hands. "Alright, I think we're done here. Final verdict: some of you are hopeless, but at least it'll be entertaining when the media starts clowning you."

Seeing them silent, I pointed at Izuku. "Waterworks, what is All Might's catchphrase that not only spreads terror to villains and relieves victims the second they hear it?"

Izuku blinked like I had just asked him to recite the entire hero licensing manual. "Um—'I am here'?"

I clapped my hands together. "Exactly! Three words. That's all it takes. Simple, clean, straight to the point." I turned to the rest. "Now, compare that to Kaminari's 'Your crimes have been short-circuited.'"

Kaminari groaned, throwing his head back. "Okay, I get it! Stop bringing it up!"

"No, because I need you all to understand," I said, waving my hand around like I was conducting an orchestra of dumbasses. "When All Might says his line, villains piss themselves. Kids stop crying. Criminals regret their life choices in real time. You think I'm just messing around, but ultimate catchphrases are better than ultimate moves. They're your signature, your theme song, your war drums. When they hit, they should stop the fight, reset the chaos."

Kirishima nodded like this was the gospel of combat. "Yeah, I get that. It's like—"

"Like the first note of a song," Jiro cut in. "You hear it, and you know exactly what's coming."

I snapped my fingers. "Exactly! And if you fumble it, it's over. You land an attack, hit the perfect timing for a one-liner, and suddenly you're cemented in history. Or—" I pointed at Kaminari. "—you say something embarrassing, and you become a meme forever."

Kaminari groaned. "Bro, I get it, okay?"

"Do you? Because I really want you to sit with that failure for a minute."

Yaoyorozu sighed. "This seems like an unnecessary distraction."

"This is training," I shot back. "What's the point of being a hero if you don't have presence? Half the reason people feel safe around All Might isn't just because he's strong—it's because he feels like a hero. He's larger than life. When he speaks, people listen. You all need that, too."

Mineta crossed his arms. "Why don't you come up with one, then?"

I leaned back, smirking. "I don't need one. I already talk enough shit to fill a book. And honestly, I don't need a notebook to understand people remember how you make them feel—not how many quirks you list off like a Wiki page."

Bakugo scoffed. "That's not the same thing, dumbass."

"Sure it is," I said. "Every villain I fight is legally obligated to cry before the end."

--

The longships arrive.The wind howls.Ryuu stands at the prow, blood-soaked and emotionally wounded.

"He writes sagas.You give silence."

Odin turns away.Freya writes your name in Skaldic verse:

"Here lies the one who read, but never supported.""He was weak.He died stone-less."

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