If I Couldn't

Eventually we finished, she dried me off delicately, softly wiping the dripping water off my body. She looks proud of herself but every time she's behind me her expression darkens… As if she's seen a ghost. I would be lucky if Ivan would even want to sleep with someone like me, nasty scars covering my back. It's unladylike. He'd regret his decision of marrying me once he found out. He'll find out that I'm ugly. I always have been and always will be. Just like my father said, I'm lucky he even accepted the engagement with an unsightly girl like me. Though once he finds out he'll regret it… Maybe he'll begin to loathe me just as my father has done.

"Allow me to help you" she says, putting me in a beautiful dress, one of high class. I wonder how they were able to get such a dress in a short amount of time. I have worn dresses like those if needed to cover for my father but regularly I never wore them. It's like an elaborate play, such that it is not made for me. I'm nothing but a doll to show off if needed. Controlling me like a puppet. It feels fake to wear a dress like this, it isn't suitable for someone like me. She guides me out of the bathroom and does my hair. I look pretty but I know this isn't me. I'm an unattractive girl. Sure, my title is that of a lady but can I even be considered a lady? 

"It's time to go," she informs me "You must leave and eat breakfast with him" She grabs my hand and escorts me out of my room, leaving my care to Ivan.

"Wow." He gasps, "All words are meaningless when it comes to you, It's indescribable to detail your beauty… My lady" he takes a deep breath "You are absolutely stunning, the portrait is nothing compared to your true beauty" He reaches his hand out for me, to guide me, I take it. Hand in hand.

"Thank you for the compliments" I say stiffly, I do not believe his words at all. They hold no meaning to my heart. He won't be acting like this once he knows what kind of person I am. He'll be disappointed in who I truly am. I'm nothing but a monster. He doesn't know how cruel and unpleasant I am. Will he truly stay by my side if he knows everything? His duty as a knight is to protect citizens, I am a danger to that. Nothing more nothing less

He looks down upon me… He looks concerned, "Are you unwell? What is the matter?" he inquires, I have nothing to say.

"I am well, do not worry, Sir." I avoid answering.

He looks frustrated but doesn't pry any further, though I wish he'd ask, ask what happened, why I was like that. If only he was a bit concerned about me, I'd tell him everything. I'd beg for help. I'd hold him. Although I wish I could tell him and then he'd comfort me, I know that reality is different than that. That's not how it'll go. It'd probably be something like this.

"Hey, I killed my father but actually he was super evil so don't kill me please?"

Sword sheathed. Dead.

I want to live a life full of joy and for that I suppose I must keep it a secret. A secret I cannot tell. We walk together, slowly making it downstairs together. We finally make it to the table. I separate from him and sit across. I don't want to be too close to him. I cannot trust him. If he were trustworthy this story would be different.

The knights loudly chatter among each other, about beasts and about family about many things. The chef serves the food. Steak and a beautiful cream soup filled with meat and vegetables. Just gazing my eyes upon it makes me feel sick to my stomach. It lays in front of me, almost mocking me. I have to eat it. I must. I grab my spoon, shakily dipping it into the soup, attempting to eat it. Yesterday I have eaten too much, I'm lucky to not have vomited, yet I must eat once again? I have no apatite for this. I am not used to this. I gag on the soup but I continue, It's disrespectful as a foreigner to not eat such food. I feel side glances from everyone as I harshly shove the food down my throat. It hurts. It hurts. I'm so nauseous and I've barely even touched the soup. I close my eyes as I continue forcing food down my throat, more and more. I cut the steak up delicately, eating the pieces with no complaints. I will be the perfect lady. After a while I finished my food. Not a scrap to be seen. 

"Thank you for the food" I say to the chef while I take my leave. Ivan follows pursuit behind.

"What is it that you'd like?" 

"Tomorrow we'll leave, to my estate" he says, "Soon we'll marry"

I blush heavily, "That quickly?"

"Yes. That quickly," he pauses, "The preparations are ready, next week we'll officially be husband and wife" 

"Thank you for informing me" I say nervously…

"We'll ride in a carriage together that I had just prepared, tomorrow, be ready" He smiles, "Soon you'll be mine." he thinks, "That's all I had to say, If you need me I'll be training with the knights outside." He takes his leave.

**

I rushed into the bathroom… The feeling of disgust rings through my whole body. I'm miserable. I grab on to the toilet, vomiting up everything I ate. I haven't been like this for awhile, why is this happening now? Why am I not allowed to be normal? My lower abdomen is in extreme agony. Why must I be tormented like this? What have I ever done to deserve this…