What's Worse

I am disgusting and it's nothing but the fault of 'him' he's nothing but a greedy, good for nothing, father. I'm glad I killed such a worthless monster. Although, it is awful… Every time I close my eyes I hear his blood curdling screams, I see him helplessly falling. He may have been cruel but this is not helping. What makes me better than him if I am indeed a murderer now? They'll look for him. They are looking for him. Searching endlessly. However, his soul resides in hell but his body is on the bottom of the mountain, covered in blood and snow. It'll be difficult to find. I pray that they cannot trace it back to me. He promised my mother before she had passed that he would treat me well, how I deserve. He promised. Lying to a dying woman. Everything is his fault. He made this. He is the sole cause of everything. I would be able to eat normally if he did not restrict me and refuse to let me eat. He used to force me to eat out of the garbage as he would beat me heavily if I didn't swallow such atrocities. He's disgraceful. Everything is disgusting. I am disgusting… He's disgusting. What's worse me or him?

I wipe my mouth, drool spilling out of my mouth. I'm repulsive. There's no way someone like him would want to marry me. He must be mistaken. I'm an ugly girl. Unsightly. I'm not even a true lady like he believes. I'm under him. Not above. Once he finds out that I'm truly useless he'll quickly divorce me. Finding someone else who's worth his time. If he's tricked by someone like me, heaven will lock the gate on us. He doesn't even know me.

"Lady, are you doing alright?" Sophie asks outside the door, "It's been awhile"

I quickly get up, she startled me. "Everything is fine..." I lie. I always lie. Nobody would like to hear the truth. It's better to lie. They'd be worried if I wouldn't. I refuse to make a sweet girl like her worry about someone like me. I'm hopeless either way.She doesn't seem to believe me but it doesn't matter, "Okay… I'll check on you later" I hear her footsteps go the other direction, leaving me.

I lay on the cold bathroom floor questioning how everything came to this, the pain is constant. When will I be relieved? One would wish to know. I kneel against the wooden floor, putting my hands together, praying. Praying for forgiveness. Praying for relief. Praying for love. Just praying. If no one is by my side, then god must be.

That evening I laid in bed, watching outside the window, my future husband. When my father had forced me to be betrothed to such a man, I was scared. However, when I received a description of him it calmed me a bit. He felt a bit more human. As I watch him I recall him, his whole life on a single piece of paper. Now seeing him before me, fighting amongst his peers and winning every single time, it's prominent to know why such a man is the commander even though he's still young. I have read a bit of his life. At twelve years of age he was forced to go to a battle, young and inexperienced, it's like receiving a death wish. To fight demonic monsters at such an age is near impossible but he did and he won. He returned home with nothing but a sword on his back and determination. Those eyes were filled with bloodlust. He became a commander at the age of fourteen, fighting monsters, protecting the land and leading the knights. He spent his whole life on the battleground. Last year he came back, with no interest in women. Although that was true, my father forced him to become mine because my father is involved with the royal family and because he's well known it'd be better that way. He gave me in exchange for more popularity, which is useless now. A dead man's foolish wish. Choosing money and fame over the own daughter he created, how laughable. I continue to stare out the window, swords clashing against each other, sweat dripping down his beautiful neck, snow falling upon him. Tomorrow we leave this place, Shall I go visit him soon? Is it even worth it? It might be…

"Sophie?"

"Yes? What is it you'd like?"

"If it's possible, may I go visit him?"

"Him? Oh! Sir Ivan you mean?"

My face turns rosy, "Y-yes that's w-what I mean" I stutter

"I see, we must prepare then, as it is a bit chilly..."

"Prepare?" I question

"Yes, the snow is falling heavily, I'll need to dress you warmly"

"Alright I'll allow you to, thank you for your hard work"

Her face lights up, it's almost childlike. Her eyes glow with determination, when she looks like that it makes me feel sorrowful. I wish to never see such a face like that again. Maybe it's because I'm jealous. It's definitely because of that. I can't experience such happiness and she does everything I want with such ease. I hope she reaches all of her goals but not in front of me. One day I'll be truly happy once I'm resting eternally. No one will cause me pain any longer then. I'm envious of her. She's indeed foolish.

She begins to dress me, a thick warm gown covered with a large garment to keep me safe from the cold. She grabs me a parasol to protect me from the snow, although I don't really need such things but I use it anyway. We walk out into the yard. I see him fighting, his movements are graceful. Slicing opponents down easily. He could kill me in a second if he'd try. He almost senses me and locks eyes with him, his focused eyes become filled with love. He walks up to me, urgently.

"What are you doing here m'lady?"

I sigh heavily, I'm a bit nervous, "I'm here to see you, I've missed you"

"Me? You've missed me?"

"Y-yes, that is w-what i said!" I shout in his face

His fierce face becomes soft, "I'm so flattered that the only daughter of the Duke misses someone like me, am I worthy of such attention?" He looks at me attentively, "Although, It's not safe in a place like this, blades are everywhere, I wouldn't like you to get injured" Sophie must have kept it to herself… he comes closer, and strokes my head gently.

"ANYWAY!" I scream, knights stare at us, "I have come to see you now that I have I must leave" I turn to leave but he blocks my path.

"Are you serious, you came all this way just for a few seconds?!?!" He looks at me with desperation within his eyes, "You can watch from afar, prepare her a spot, Sophie!"