IV. Eden
"You're the boy I saw earlier in the hall, right?" She smiled coldly, the boy simply stared at her in silence. Was he gonna answer her or keep staring like a fool?
"Are you-"
"Pardon me M'lady, yes I am." He smiled warmly, peace washed over Mirren like a tide does when it reaches the shore. Mirren blinked several times in confusion, she had let her guard down without realizing it. Her expression was that of shock and her appearance was unkempt before him. But why did that matter..? He was just a servant, so why did she care at all? There's no point in worrying about these things. But why...
"What brings you to this corner of the estate?" Mirren asked skeptical of his sudden appearance, as he fumbled with the things in his arms Mirren glanced at his face as he looked down trying to balance himself. The boy had beautiful dirty blonde hair, the color of wheat with tips of brown and gold on each curl that hung over one another, he had high cheekbones and thin lips with a somewhat nervous expression on his face.
"Well...I was sent here." He mumbled hesitantly, Mirren blinked in confusion and snapped back to reality. She bit her lip and smiled coldly, "By who? Who dares send you here?" She asked with frustration hidden behind her warm smile, the boy sighed hesitantly, Mirren saw this and tapped on his shoulder.
"Ah...I apologize. I was afraid for a moment to be honest with you M'lady," The boy answered as he looked to the ground where small lilies took root and grew during the warmer seasons such as this one. Mirren was confused at this boy's sudden response, what was it that made him so fearful? Had she'd given him that impression..? She parted her lips and before she could speak she felt a sudden flutter in her heart as the boy turned to her with almost weeping eyes.
"Why were you afraid?" She questioned before she could even think, she found herself making rash decisions in front of this person. Like she could tell him anything in that moment and she wouldn't regret it, but she knew better, so she kept her mouth shut.
The boy bit his lip and turned back to look at his lady again, the beautiful and fairy-like lady trapped in a cage filled with luxuries the world dreams to have that she would sell in a heartbeat to get rid of. Then he closed his eyes and sighed, "My Father sent me. He told me to come because I would hear a weeping soul." He confessed earnestly, as she maintained her gaze on his she realized that it had gotten colder and she turned her eyes away from his that seemed to penetrate her soul which she now disliked.
"Who is your Father?" Mirren asked out of courtesy, she wasn't really interested nor did she really want to know what old man decided to take interest in her affairs. She could care less about the pity and sympathy these people had towards her.
I don't need to know what type of foolish thoughts these people have towards me...It's all the same anyways.
"God."
"Ah I see..." Mirren trailed off for a bit before actually realizing what the boy before her had said, "Wait- God?" She queried baffled by his response, she didn't actually every think that he would answer that in a million years.
"Yes, that's right M'lady. I said God." The boy replied confidently now, not a trace of nervousness or anxiety left on his face again. Mirren sighed and almost rolled her eyes at the boy's response. God? Since when did he care about what she thought and felt? Please. This is borderline lunacy.
"Right. I see, well, you should probably finish the chore you were handed. Headmaid Maria Luisa isn't going to be happy if things aren't perfect." Mirren smiled as she began to close the windows filled with emptiness again until a hand stuck between the window doors. Mirren looked shocked at the sudden interruption and sighed heavily, "Child, I don't think you should be meddling. Please remove your hand." Mirren stared at the hand lifelessly, her eyes showing tiredness and emptiness with the bags under her eyes. No one really looked close enough to know whether she was tired or not so she simply couldn't help it when no one was looking.
"Lady...must be feeling empty, right? I know your woes." The boy's voice said, Mirren opened her windows widely and looked at the boy angrily. "Oh and you must know how horrible it feels right? What would a boy like you know about me? What ever could you possibly do in this situation? Oh my!~ Please do pray tell!" Mirren furrowed her eyebrows angrily, her voice was now breaking as she kept speaking. If God really cared wouldn't he show me himself? it's not fair...I'd rather just stick with the fact that he exists and that's it. Believing and following him would be like a stab in the back. Why go through all that pain and then he comes back and decides that I should forget it?! That's hypocrisy.
"Leave."
"It pains me to see you like this Dear child, but I understand." The boy said in a more serious tone which sounded less like him, his eyes drooped like honey does from a honeycomb panel. Mirren finally managed to close the windows and closed the curtains, she slumped down and held her knees to her chest tightly as she stared at the other side of the room lifelessly. A sob was heard, then it got silent, muffled cries for help and yells stifled inside the large room meant to be for the little lady.
"Why...Why can't I ever be enough..? I did everything you asked for, am I not pretty enough? not kind enough? not smart enough? not funny enough? not elegant enough? Just...what on earth is it that she has that I don't? JUST WHAT IS IT." Mirren screeched in silent sobs, her world was full of greys and blacks. A world she had long become accustomed to, she reached down to her knees and simply groped them strongly as she tried her best to muffle her weeping and screeching. Once again, there was no one.
No one to trust, no one to love, no one to hug, no one to cling to, no one to hang on to, no one's hand to hold. There was no one. As desperate as she was she glanced at the thick book on her nightstand her mother always made her read. What was it that made people so mad obsessed with this guy they call, God, the creator of all life?
She bit her lip and looked back down at herself, her calfs stung with pain, her blood rushed through her veins desperately seeking a way out. They probably wouldn't want to keep being in the same body, who in all of existence would ever?
She hit her head against her knees and cried silently until she convinced herself that perhaps her mother got the wrong idea and it wasn't her mother's fault but her own.
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Mirren treaded heavily in the dark hallway as she wanted to reach her mother's office, she held her trembling hands near her abdomen neatly and wore a neat garb that was inside a secret closet to avoid embarassing her mother. She took a deep breath in as she saw one of the guards outside her mother's office and then nodded at him to open the doors.
"Lady Mirren has requested an audience."
"Mother...I-"
"What is it Mirren? Can't you see I'm busy?" The Marquis sighed angrily, Mirren gulped as she felt her mother's anger suffocate her again but she simply smiled warmly at the Marquis. "I came to apologize for my behavior."
"Do you even know what you did wrong?" The Marquis asked as she kept scribbling on the documents before her on the desk sprawled like the drawing papers of a child. Mirren parted her lips to speak before she was interrupted by a voice from across the room.
"Ma, I think she's too stiff. Lighten up ren, I thought hyprocrites didn't feel shame." The small girl smiled at Mirren with a scoff, Mirren looked at her coldly and analyzed her sitting position which was uncouth for a lady. "Perhaps you should begin taking etiquette lessons before you mention me." Mirren replied not mincing her words towards the girl, upon closer inspection she looked nothing and acted nothing like Mirren nor her mother.
"Shut up fatty, look at yourself first before telling me what to do. Hyprocrite. tch," The girl clicked her tongue, Mirren simply cringed on the inside at her words, she didn't know whether to laugh or to feel disappointed, she couldn't even say 'Hypocrite' right. She turned to the Marquis and stood in front of her silently.
"What do you want, Mirren?" her mother questioned, Mirren could feel her stare, it always pierced through her. That feeling of suffocation twisted and turned inside her stomach and squeezed on her heart. "Mother, I came here to apologize I didn't know I couldn't ask about the state of the Mansion." Mirren replied bowing her head not looking straight into the eyes of the woman who called herself her mother. Her hair got in between her eyelashes as she faced down at the cold dark marble floor. These are the luxuries that noblemen get to have that others wouldn't dare covet. Mirren remembers how her mother continuously tells her how grateful she should be, but it's only natural she should have these things already if they dared to give birth to someone like her.
"Watch your words, Mirren. You asking about the servant is like questioning my ability as the head of the house while your father is out," She continued scribbling as if it were the most natural thing to her in the world. She then turned to Mirren and slighted her.
Why? Stop questioning it. Learn to adapt that's how you survive. Keep your mouth shut, people don't get hurt when you're quiet. Mirren took a deep breath silently and smiled, it was as natural as breathing, keeping it in that is.
"Alright, mother. I'm sorry for doing something so impulsive and rash, I hope you can forgive me." She replied somewhat submissively, like it was customary. She bowed her head slightly waiting for her mother's response, 10 minutes, 15 minutes, 20 minutes, 30 minutes went by in silence without a single response and just a small snicker.
Mirren sighed and cleared her throat, "Mother, if you don't need me any longer I'll be taking my leave." Something bubbled up inside of her. Like a kettle boiling the water little by little. Apologizing isn't that big of a deal...but what is this feeling..? I feel so frustrated. Mirren couldn't help but bite her lower lip aggressively, "Why are you angry at me? I haven't done anything to you, Mirren. Stop being so petty," Mirren looked up at the face of her beloved mother who spoke these words with less emotion than a dog. She gritted her teeth in silence as she felt suffocated, bowing her head she walked out politely hearing the yells.
"Mirren! Who told you go out?! I never gave you permission to leave!" the marquis screeched almost, Mirren trembled, Why did I do that? What if she gets more mad? She'll take away my journal and pencils...ah..I made such a huge mistake. I should go back, but if I go back will she hit me and still take it away? Ugh...I don't want to.
Mirren turned around ready to back back inside as the doors burst open and Mirren looked in shock the moment she felt hurt, the world turned and turned, she was striked across the face yet that's not what hurt her. She could see the eyes on her and the snickering faces, her world spinned constantly but not around her, but her. She turned to look at the person behind the marquis, she could see a smirk on the girl's face. Isn't it enough? What else do you want? STOP LOOKING AT ME. PLEASE. She shriveled and shrunk in her place again, I just have to put up with it until I leave. Just a few more years and it's all over. I'll never come back and I WON'T look back. Mirren looked at her mother straight in the eyes and her eyes widened in surprise to see eyes full of anger and disappointment.
"Ha..."
"Mirren, you better behave next time. Listen when I'm talking to you-"
"Ha! Hahaha...HAHAHAHA!" Mirren laughed filled with anguish and lunacy, her mind filled with endless holes, constantly seeking refuge, seeking comfort, but who in this world could possibly ever understand her? She's no genius and yet not even the geniuses of this world could ever understand her mind and thoughts. They say that only fools cling to love, so she was less than a fool, she was an obsessed lunatic being fed scraps of love that weren't ever meant for her.
She heard laughs in the background that interrupted her thought process, it was her mother and her sister, Mirren's eyes twitched in anger. "What? Your laugh was funny so we decided to laugh with you," Her Mother smiled warmly, it pierced her heart one last time and she understood.
Mirren didn't even bow her head she began to clack her heels elsewhere, her boiling calves, her swollen cheek and her scratched up ankles all of it started to touch the tip of the iceberg and begun to crack the bottom of it.
"Where are you going?! Come back here Mirren!"
Only the deafening sound of silence replied to the Marquis, Mirren simply kept walking until she reached a dark corner of the Mansion and realized that the hall really was grey. It was such a sad color, such as herself and she found comfort in it.
"Ha...it's always the same. Hahahahahaha..." She trailed off in desperation as she stared at a void in the floor, does someone like her even deserve to be looked at? It's alll my fault.. I shouldn't have left. I can't believe I made such a childish mistake...even a child would know better.
"No, even a child would know to walk away," A voice echoed through the halls, Mirren turned around to look and found no one in sight. For her eyes had fooled her once more and so have her ears, she doubted everything and everyone, snakes hid behind kind and friendly faces. ALWAYS.
She knew, because she was one of the evil bunch. Despicable. Untalented. Imperfect. She lacks the good qualities of a noblewoman.
"I don't wanna see her again..." She shook ler leg anxiously and fumbled around with her hair as she thought and racked up her brain for anything, As soon as I turn 21 can't I just leave? I'll open a stationery store for all people alike and sell pens and paper and even write letters for the commoners. I just don't want to come back, only hurt awaits me...I want to stop. All of this lunacy needs to stop and go away. If God exists why can't he just take me away I'll do anything...
oh.
right.
God.
"Dear God, thank you...for all that I have and for what I don't have, thank you for my sight and my hearing and every one of my limbs. Thank you for the food you've put over my table and for the clothes I'm in clothed in, thank you for the shoes you've put on my feet..." She began to trail off and hesitate, still in doubt he was even listening. "Thank you for all that I have, for the roof over my head and for my health and the health of my family and servants. Thank you. I come before you today to ask that you please bless those in need who lack food and clothes, please provide for them. I ask also...that you please bless my family...and friends, wherever they may be and wherever they may go."
She inhaled one last time and began to speak, "Is it possible for you to listen to my pleas? Dear God, I..." The words began to seep out of her mouth like a dam that suddenly broke, "I...I'm tired...I'm tired of this. Everyone is always looking, waiting for me to fail, my own family leaves scraps for me. I always do my best, I do better than my own sister and yet all I get is foolish flowery...e-everyone...EVERYONE expects me to be perfect...they expect me to remember the things they like and do all these things for them. God I'm tired, you hear me? I'm tired, can't I just be Mirren..? Can't I just be her without a title, without the whole world putting its burdens on my tiny shoulders..? P-Please..." Mirren began to sob uncontrollably as her thin shoulders shook, she had her hands clasped together, her nails sinking into her skin in desperation. Life to her had always been dull and cold like steel, it was always ready to bring her down and shatter her entirely like glass does when it reaches the ground. She had shattered many times but her glass only had cracks, she always tried so hard just to make it stay together.
So if she was a glass cup, in this very moment where she took the biggest gamble of her life and began to speak of something that was forbidden for someone like her, she shattered into a million pieces against the hard marble floor.
She suddenly felt a warm sensation envelop her entire body, her eyes widening in shock as she gasped for breath, nearly choking on the unexpected rush. A comforting weight pressed against her back and shoulders, momentarily suffocating her before vanishing. As the pressure lifted, she found herself breathing easily, her worries dissolving like magic. She couldn't even remember what she had been so anxious about; everything seemed to fade away.
"You...you really haven't forgotten me..?" She stuttered in astonishment and her eyes began to water, she bit her lip trying to hold in her tears, what was the feeling?
She was touched.
Someone had remembered her, someone took her hand when she feel into an abyss of darkness. But why? Was she even deserving of this? Could she ever be loved by anybody?
"Please...how can you remember someone like me..?" She cried and cried and cried, there was no end to the tears, who knew all her frustrations, her scars, her pains, her burdens would all disappear with just a few words to the creator of this world? Who knew that perhaps the God she seemed to push away actually seemed to care?
"I-I'm sorry...I was so rude earlier to that boy you sent...I'm so sorry, God." Mirren collapsed to her knees, her body shaking with uncontrollable sobs. Her hair tumbled over her face, tangled and matted with a mix of snot and tears.
"What do I do? Can I really be forgiven and loved by you?" Mirren sniffled.
𝒞𝒽𝒾𝓁𝒹, 𝐼 𝒽𝒶𝓋𝑒 𝓃𝑒𝓋𝑒𝓇 𝒻𝑜𝓇𝑔𝑜𝓉𝓉𝑒𝓃 𝓎𝑜𝓊, 𝒴𝑜𝓊'𝓋𝑒 𝒶𝓁𝓇𝑒𝒶𝒹𝓎 𝒷𝑒𝑒𝓃 𝒻𝑜𝓇𝑔𝒾𝓋𝑒𝓃 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝓂𝑜𝓂𝑒𝓃𝓉 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒽𝒶𝓋𝑒 𝓇𝑒𝓅𝑒𝓃𝓉𝑒𝒹. 𝑀𝓎 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒾𝓈 𝒾𝓃𝒻𝒾𝓃𝒾𝓉𝑒, 𝐼 𝒽𝒶𝓋𝑒 𝒶𝓁𝓌𝒶𝓎𝓈 𝒷𝑒𝑒𝓃 𝓌𝒶𝒾𝓉𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝓎𝑜𝓊...𝐼 𝒽𝒶𝓋𝑒 𝒶𝓁𝓌𝒶𝓎𝓈 𝒷𝑒𝑒𝓃 𝓃𝑒𝓍𝓉 𝓉𝑜 𝓎𝑜𝓊. 𝒴𝑜𝓊 𝒿𝓊𝓈𝓉 𝓃𝑒𝑒𝒹𝑒𝒹 𝒶𝓃 𝑒𝓍𝓉𝓇𝒶 𝓈𝓉𝑒𝓅.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does no envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away."
1 Corinthians 13:4-8