VIII. Pared

𝔈𝔳𝔢𝔯𝔶 𝔡𝔞𝔶 had seemed to fade away as slowly as the leaves do when they fall and wither away from the trees in Autumn. Delicately dancing around in your face as if mocking you. Her disheveled hair strands fell over her forehead with the breeze as she worked arduosly on some documents that got a rising eyebrow from her. She rested her chin on her palm as it sunk in and reddened it, she finally sighed brushing a few strands away from her exhausted face. In the messy chaotic place of a room she had spent hours trying to help with her siblings' budget. It was always a topic that caused strife amongst them for some reason, Money was nothing to fight about, or so that's what she thought.

Why can they not just settle with what it is that they get and go?  The female sighed as she slammed a pen down on her desk and was startled by even her  own actions. Her eyebrows knitted together in confusion and frustration condensed as she looked around in case someone loomed inside and let out a sigh. As the eldest daughter of the household it is her duty to keep the peace among her siblings and help them with what they needed, thus she limited their budget every month so that they would not overspend. Not like there IS much to spend... Mirren chuckled sardonically as she took her pen and began to write down how much each siblings would receive, she called out for Giovanna and asked her to take care of it.

The female was pleased and smiled happily as she darted towards the master's office. Mirren began to close her new door and sat at her window seat thrashed with pillows galore. Mirren's head snuggled onto the warm window, as the rays of sunlight always heated that specific part, almost as if it knew she liked to put her head there. She lightly chuckled and her eyelids became heavy, she was drowsy and started to weakly mumble the things she would have to do for the rest of the day.

"Help...clean...garden...kitchen...room...mom...anais...david...marquis..." Her mouth became heavier and she dozed off in that moment.

BANG!

Mirren's head shot up along with her body as she composed herself quickly and cleared her throat, shoving onto her own face the most calm and poised expression she could muster. She turned to the door and realized her sister was there, Mirren sighed and pulled back her hair using pretend cuss words to express her dissatisfaction.

"Please knock next time."

"Why did you give me a misery again?! WHAT DID I DO WRONG?! STOP BEING SO PETTY..!" Anais raised her voice as she pointed at Mirren. Mirren simply stared at the girl and clicked her tongue which then caused the fire to spread farther.

"STOP GIVING ME THAT ATTITUDE AND THAT FACE! I WILL TELL MOM IF YOU DO NOT FIX THIS!" The girl had flown into a fit far more horrible than any creature Mirren had encountered and she rolled her eyes. "Tell her. It is nothing to me." Mirren replied as she sat back down at her window seat happily.

"I will tell mom about the drawings you have hidden under your bed." Anais threatened, hoping to get the upper hand in the situation not realizing it had all been taken away already. "Alright."

Mirren heard her sister grumble angrily, as she began to raise her voice in clear frustration, "WHY WILL YOU NOT LISTEN TO ME?! AGH!!! I AM SPEAKING TO YOU!!!"

"Alright. I am listening Your Majesty, Queen of lala land." Mirren replied as she flipped through the various documents on her desk, focused on the task at hand. Anais began pulling her hair out and stomped towards Mirren's desk where she was studying some documents regarding budgets for each allocated place within the estate. Mirren kept her head down as she looked through the papers but raised her eyebrows as her gaze landed on her sister's face.

Mirren felt a smelly liquid rolling down her forehead and sat there silently. Anais had spit on her eldest sister's forehead on impulse. The silence remained and Anais smirked almost triumphantly, Mirren shot up from her chair and almost began to rap. "IF YOU DO NOT MOVE YOUR BODY AND ENTIRE BEING OUT OF THIS ROOM I WILL HAVE YOUR BUDGET CUT ENTIRELY AND MAKE SURE YOU WILL NOT STEP OUTSIDE OF THIS PLACE FOR AN ENTIRE MONTH. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?" 

"NO! NOT UNTIL YOU CHANGE MY BUDGET TO MORE! I AM NOT LEAVING!!" Anais screeched as she reached out to pull Mirren's hair, alas her attempt failed as the eldest stepped back and heard something. Mirren glanced at her sister, then at her books and documents and scattered all of them on the floor by throwing them around. "What are you doing?!" Anais questioned as she glared at Mirren, as Anais began to look at the floor Mirren began slipping her dress sleeve slightly down and disheveled her hair rapidly and threw some ribbons on the ground.

Anais turned to look at her questionably, "WHY ARE YOU-"

"ANAIS DE CLEMENTE!! WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON HERE?!" Regina had entered the room as she had heard the screaming from down the hall. It was almost impossible not to hear it.

"Ah..." The disheveled and pitiful Mirren looked at her mother in shock and looked away just as quickly, the Marquis sighed as she held her neck in disbelief. "WHY CAN YOU BOTH JUST NOT GET ALONG?! YOU ARE BOTH GROWN WOMEN! OH DEAR HEAVENLY LORD! LEARN TO BEHAVE!" Regina began to stomp over to Anais whose hairs stood on her arms and legs as she smacked her head harshly and dragged her out by the arm.

"You will walk back in there and apologize to your sister this instant!"

"But-! I will not do such a thing Mommy! I have done no wrongs!" Regina glared at Anais in ire as she pulled her ear and whispered what seemed to be a threat in her ear. Mirren already guessed what it was that she would tell her sister and scoffed silently as they argued loudly.

"Forget it Mother. I do not need an apology from someone who feels no remorse." Mirren replied as she fixed her loose strands on her head and slipped on her dress properly again. There was a small sting in her heart as she watched how her mother treated her sister. It was different. Her mother always thought less of her, always thought she was the cruel elder sister. How cliche...

If it were me she would have already slapped me across the face and made me kneel to apologize. The difference is truly insurmountable that I am not even sure if it hurts at this point anymore. Mirren let out a loud tense sigh and sat back down at her desk, her fingertips gently brushing the piece of paper on her desk as she read over it again as she gave in once more, as she always does. She had a lump in her throat as she smiled at the papers before her holding accounts of everyone's spendings. Her heart began to numb but she tried to hold in her frustration, she could feel her mother's demeaning gaze on her, as always.

"Mirren, learn to set a proper example so your sister stops pulling these stunts. If she does not see her elder sister putting in effort then she is less likely to change her temper." Regina scolded in a cold tone as she began to walk away feeling guiltless from Mirren's chambers, to which she could only stare at the doorway and sigh painfully. Mirren looked down at the documents and felt her vision blur again, it was her fault.

It is always her fault.

She just needs to be more. That is all.

...

No I have God with me now. He DID NOT take my burdens away and give me a new heart for this to be happening...but I cannot help it. I hate this. Why is life so complicated and difficult? I do not understand...This is so stupid. Mirren's eyes became fixated on her trembling hands, afraid for the future and of the present as her past always seems to haunt her like vengeful ghosts. She grinded her teeth feeling helpless, her eyebrows furrowing with frustration she clutched her head and gripped onto her hair like it would make her worries fade away.

"Why is it always me that has to be more..? Why can it not just her who needs to grow up?" Mirren let out an exhausted sigh, was there anyone in this world that would ever understand? Regina's words always crawled up her throat like vines with thorns, she always suffocated under her words because she knew better. She thought she did. She was more the wiser than anyone in her household. That is what she thought.

"I..." Mirren's heart shrunk in an instant, these thoughts coveted her mind for a while and began to take over rapidly. Her head shot up as she heard footsteps, she quickly began to fix her hair, dress and pick up the documents discreetly at a fast pace as she heard the footsteps getting closer and louder. "Dear Lord, I did not think she would come back. What now..." Mirren grumbled as she made everything return to perfection. Mirren sat back down at her desk and cleared her throat and tears fast enough to look far more decent than she would've looked minutes ago.

"Mirren."

"Mother, it is a pleasure to have you back here again."

"I have come to speak to you." She says as she ignores whatever else Mirren said after calling out her name. 

It was typical of her -- to be expected almost.

"Right, What did you want to speak about Mother?"

"You should be offering me a place to sit and some snacks."

"Oh, I apologize Mother. You can rest here," Mirren reaches her hand out at an empty seat near the sofa with a smile plastered on her face as she glances at her desk filled with delights, "I will bring some snacks that I have for you near-"

"It will be a short conversation. I do not need to sit down." Regina replies tartly as she glances at the seat and quickly gazes back at Mirren who seems to be composed and calm.

"I see..." Mirren replies as she looks at her mother's lips to avoid gazing at her raging eyes, she gulped as regina began to speak. "Be kinder to your sister. You must remember that you are the eldest, you must give the proper example to your younger siblings. You speaking out that time during Dinner was unsightly. I am your Mother, I always know best." Regina states looking over her shoulder gazing at the multitude of books on a dusty bookshelf.

Mirren had become anxious hoping her Mother would not realize that there was no dust on the books, "Mother, is that all?"

"Are you trying to kick me out? This is my house, Mirren de Clemente." Regina retorts as Mirren scratches her fingers, there was a tension in the room. Mirren had no intention of ever throwing her out, she made a mistake. Now she will know that she loves something else. She must not know of my conversation with God. Mirren thought with determination to hide it like it depended on her life.

"N-no I would never Mother, but you said it would not be a lengthy conversation so I thought-"

"Then do not think. You never fail to dissapoint, ren." Mirren's lips parted before finally turning into a soft plastic smile. "Where did my kind and loving little girl go? Hah..." 

Mirren shivered at her words and felt a squeeze inside her chest, it was always this. I hate this. She will start it all over again, putting fire on oil to make it spread. 

"You used to be so obedient and now you talk back. You used to be so kind to your sister as well and now you keep disappointing us-- your father and I, I mean."

Mirren bit her lower lip and her self-esteem shriveled. Not even all the beauty in the world could get her mother to pay attention to her or love her. Why must she always mirror her own insecurities onto her? But I should be careful. Words can be forgiven not forgotten. Mirren always felt the need to think like this, so she never felt angry but hurt.

"What point is there in excusing them when they know right from wrong but never decide to do what's right?" A gentle and soft breeze blew in again from a window that was originally closed.

I have to stand up for myself. A conversation is always between more than 2 people, I just need her to see my perspective perhaps she will understand. Mirren turned to her mother, determined, to make her understand. "Mother, I always try to do my best, you know that I care for you and father so could you please excuse my blunders? I still have much to learn and I wish-"

"If you really cared for me, you would obey and do exactly what I am asking of you." 

Mirren's hope was crushed within a second. 

She froze in place in that moment and realized there was no fondness or love found in her eyes.

Her mother did not love her. She did not want her.

She was just a tool.

Hahaha...how crazy I must have seemed to her. I just realized through the words she has been saying for over a decade, she does not care. How...am I supposed to live with this..? Mirren felt a huge lump in her throat, almost as if it swelled she felt tears fighting to take over her vision but she remained firm.

"Right. As you wish, Mother."

"Mirren, you know I love you, right?" Regina comes towards Mirren with a smile plastered on her face as she embraces Mirren warmly. Something Mirren would only dream of, but now it feels cold. Perhaps it is because she knows what love looks like now that she knows, her love and attention will never be enough for her.

"Yes, I know, Mother..." Mirren replied with a tear streaming down her face as she lightly and softly patted her mother's back. "I know..."

_____________________________

"Kind words are like honey 

sweet to the soul

and healthy for the body."

Proverbs 16:24