VII. Vida

𝔈𝔯𝔞𝔰𝔢 𝔲𝔫𝔞 𝔳𝔢𝔷, a girl who dreams of the skies and the stars, to clutch one to her beating heart and chest that faltered at the ethereal sight. That twinkled like the once glimmering morning star before it fell upon, she painted her dreams on a blank canvas that called out to her soul, she sang of those dreams like a bird does to the Lord every morning when she wakes up. She dreamed of someday living on a prairie in silence, only the gust of wind blowing in her direction and the world whispering sweet nothings to its creator.

There was a time she hoped that they had not taken away her ability to sing, but now her ability to paint her dreams was torn to ashes until there was nothing left to paint. As she looked through the windows longingly in a dream she had she saw colors, the palette of mother nature and life itself. Who could ever understand this small shell of a human? Her name felt so special now, she was reminded of the story of Abraham and his wife when they could not give birth. He had asked God for a child and God had replied in return after he was born that he would give him as many children as the stars in the sky and more. 

If God truly thought of her existence even before she came to life and had a soul, then did that mean she was that special? Was she truly loved? What did she have to do to be loved by someone like him ? There were many questions in her head as she racked her brain for why questions, but then realized she knew nothing.  She knew absolutely nothing of the person who had saved her from her despair and cage

She stumbled in the halls as she walked to her mother's office, the walk was cold and arduous in the heels she wore as they pricked the heel of her foot. She continued in deep thought, wondering just how long had she spent pretending to know him ? How long had she'd assumed that he didn't care about her? He was the only one who came when it truly mattered...

"This whole entire time...was I deliberately fooling myself? Was I blinding myself to think that I knew  him? Oh my goodness."  Mirren sighed, she slicked her hair back in frustration as she sustained herself against the wall writhing in pain , her heart tearing itself apart as she thought it too thoroughly. She had blamed someone who had done absolutely nothing to her. She had blamed someone who let her live freely so that she would not be forced to live with him against her will thus she thought his inaction was what hurt her but instead it was her keeping a distance and pinning the faults on him.

Her suffering. Her pain. Her scars. Her wounds. Her frustrations. Her consequences. She thought it was all his  fault.

But was it truly? When had he ever cursed her? When had he ever sent her somewhere so alike to hell that he thought she could not survive? How had she not seen this? How was it that she completely ignored all of this love and kindness that was so alike one-sided love?

" Is this not quite the funny thing? Ha..."  Mirren's eyes closed in utter disbelief, she let out a dry laugh and looked at her mother's office door. That door. She remembered always standing in front of it nervous, anxious and afraid. Afraid that her mother would scold her for shaking her leg or twitching her eyes, she was only 6 at the time, happily walking to her mother's door ready to impress her only to walk out more heartbroken than when she entered.

She began to hear her 6 year old self walk down the halls that were slightly lit up with the sun's rays seeing in through the rusy curtains that seemed to wave in her presence like the wind did whenever she walked out. The little girl walked up to the door and was about to knock but hesitated, she checked her attire, her dress cleanly ironed and her hair neatly arranged with not a single hair out of place. She stood straight and gave her brightest smile. She gave a light knock.

"Mami! I have come to show you my attire for our trip to church this morning." Little Mirren bowed slightly as she twirled to show her mother her outfit, the marquis had simply stared with a judgmental gaze and scoffed. "Mirren, get that disgusting thing out of my sight. Go wear the other dress I bought you last week."  The small mirren's lips parted as she looked down at her clothes and her face flushed in embarassment, she nodded and began to walk out as her sister walked in.

"Mami! Mami! Look! Is my dress pretty?!" Mirren turned to look at her sister who wore a wrinkled dress to show her mother, and stared at her mother who held her sister in her arms and patted her head lovingly. "Te ves hermoso mi niña, vamos, te voy a planchar el vestido."  The marquis stared at Mirren coldly as she closed her doors in her face and began to gently pat her chest.

"it will be alright. Maybe I made a mistake, Mami must have noticed so I would not embarass her or the family. She is right, I should go get changed," Little Mirren began to walk to her chamber with a trembling lip and eyes that turned red as she held in her tears. Mirren remembered.

Her heart remembered. She could not help but compare him and herself when it came to love. Still hoping and wishing that they would be loved as much as they loved the other.

" Well...is this not ever so eye-opening?"  Mirren scoffed as she dried her tears and began to compose herself as she walked to her mother's office with caution as always. She stood in front of the door and noticed the lights were on, she curled her hand into a fist to knock until she stopped and hesitated.

What if she says no? What if I fail to convince her? What if- A warm breeze blew through the window adjacent to the end of the hall even though it was closed earlier and she gulped. Alright. I will take that as a sign and hope I am not being utterly delusional. Mirren took a deep breath and knocked. Her mother's office was connected to her father's office, so to get to her father's office she must first meet with her mother since the door that leads to his office is inside hers. That was currently the only proper way.

Mirren took a deep breath and knocked on the door gently; No response.

She closed her ear in on the door despite how unlady-like it was and heard snoring, Mirren's ears perked up as she realized her mother was asleep and sighed. She gently slipped off her shoes to lessen the impact of her heels on the wooden floor and gently opened the door to avoid waking her up. She took a deep breath in and put a blanket over her mother's shoulders, she held in her breath and headed to her father's office who's door was adjacent to her mother's desk on the left.

Mirren's senses sharpened the moment she entered the room, her body tense from all the suspense in all this ploy. She reached out for the door in her father's study and entered silently, barefoot.

She gulped and began to scurry on her tiptoes to his desk which was messy and unorganized as usual; Mirren knew where he would leave the important stuff though. As messy as he was, he always kept a seperate messy pile to make it seem unimportant in a corner of his office.

Mirren searched through all his drawers and finally found the logs she needed and stared at them wishfully, this...why do I feel like I am doing something wrong? Mirren hesitated as she stared at the stacks of papers in her hands and bit her lip as she struggled to decide whether or not it was right.

Suddenly there was a noise. A groan from the room next door; Her mother's office!

Mirren quickly put the papers where they belonged and even angled them the way they were before, she then scurried quietly to the door fretting over being caught, as soon as she reached the door she put on her shoes and composed herself quietly as she held in her struggling breaths. 

She quietly opened her father's office door that led back to her mother's and closed his door gently only to reveal a drowsy marquis. The woman Mirren felt confused about; The very woman who birthed her and had treated her like her biggest regret. Did she hate her? Did she love her? No. She hated the fact that despite all that, she loved her.

She had loved her so much she had become delusional. Dreaming of a day when Mirren and her family would live happily ever after in a castle, the castle of her mother's dreams. Her mother always dreamed of luxury and values way beyond the ones she had bestowed upon her. Perhaps many did not know, but Mirren's parents came from a different country. Like many other poor nobles they had fled their country filled with poverty and abuse of the weak and came to the empire known for their grand wealth and value.

Her mother used to say she'd given up everything for her when she was pregnant, so that she would not have to work a day in her life and instead manage household affairs and get married to produce heirs.

But sometimes that was not what was reflected upon her behavior.

"Mm...Ren..? What are you doing here?" she grumbled under the blankets draped over her gently, she felt the blankets fall off her shoulders and stared at them intently. "Did you do this?"

Mirren nodded with a pleasant smile and handed her mother a pen that she "dropped" when she got up. "I also came to ask for a favor."

"You know nothing is free in this world."

"I know mother. I did not come to you without anything to offer." Mirren continued, "I would like to hire a new servant-"

"You know we don't have enough budget for that, Mirren." Mirren flinched slightly at the words of her mother and nodded, "I am aware, Mother. But I think it will be useful to have her around than 2 or 3 other servants who only have experience and skills in doing one thing at a time. She is currently unemployed and can cook, clean, do laundry and has experience being a handmaiden. I think it would be very beneficial for the estate and for myself." The marquis simply stared at Mirren, Could she know what she was thinking? Was she assuming it was all a scheme? No. I am sure she is weighing the benefits and consequences of this deal. I cannot believe I am talking this out with her...Perhaps...she has changed? No, no. One can never be too sure. Mirren pondered as she still smiled brightly at her mother.

"Alright. I am sure you know what you are doing this time. But if she happens to cause trouble we will have her fired immediately. Understood?" Regina asked rhetorically, Mirren simply nodded, gave a light bow and walked out of the room. Her heels began to clack against the floor and she could hear the howling of the wind in the night, there was so much to do and so little time. She barged into her doorless chambers and encountered the girl who had been looking out for her Lady.

"Mirren- My lady! Are you alright? You're not hurt are you?!" Mirren narrowed her eyes in suspicion at the girl who stared innocently at her, Oh shoot- right. No one is supposed to know the situation from outside, only the servants here know she gets beaten.

"What is it that you know?"

Oh God!! How am I supposed to get away with this!? She's too sharp and clever...She'll be able to tell if I say anything weird, but she'll also be suspicious if I take too long to answer! SERIOUSLY GOD?!?! Giovanna smiled brightly at Mirren who seemed to suspect her every move and replied:

"Well you walked off frantically and I thought you had gotten hurt or sick before I had arrived..?"

"Ah...that. I went to go ask my mother to handle your papers for your employment here at the estate." Mirren slipped off her shoes with such kindness you would think she thought of her items as precious. "Then My lady, let me serve you the best I can. I will ensure you have a wonderful experience!"

"Thank you, but I would prefer a perfect experience rather than a wonderful one." There was bitterness in Mirren's words that many would fail to see, but Giovanna could tell she was putting on a wall again. Her lady was like that. Perfect, beautiful and absolutely kind to everyone to some degree, but even when many thought they had gotten closer to her, in fact they were just being put on the same pedestal as every single one of her "tools".

The fairy-like lady of the empire, so beautiful and dream-like that not many seemed to have realized, they can never have her. No one is ever able to reach the cage she is in. They can only marvel and be at awe at her beautiful performance. That is, how it always has been.

"All right My Lady. I will do my best to give you my most perfect performance. I'm sure you won't be disappointed in me one bit!" Giovanna winked as Mirren gave her a bright fake smile and loosened her dress to her waist with help from Giovanna.

"Thanks, Giovanna." Mirren thanked politely, as she lay on her bed barefoot and comfortably. Giovanna bowed and walked out to get 2 large pieces of wood to place over Mirren's "open" doorway and smiled brightly at her work.

"I'm sure you'll be satisfied with me, Mirren!" Giovanna enthused as she skipped all the way to her new bedroom next to Mirren's. 

That night as Mirren laid in her bed she stared at the doorway which was covered in large pieces of wood and blinked several times in confusion. Why on earth would she do that..? Hmm...Perhaps she needs something. Which makes sense. Mirren stared at it and smiled softly, her cheeks slightly flushing with a light pink hue as she looked out the window while sitting up in her bed. "Is the moon not beautiful tonight, Dear God?" She chuckled lightly as she opened the scriptures and began to read in peace that night.

__________________________

"A friend loveth at all times;

And a brother is born for adversity."

Proverbs 17:17