Chapter 10

It's a holiday today which means I don't have to go for any class. Also, I am off from work today. It's been a month already since I heard from Phil. He's never bothered to reach out despite my calls on WhatsApp nor did he try to reply to my message on messenger which I deleted after a few days. It would still show I deleted a message at his end. He has been as quiet as a cemetery. I cry almost every day wondering where I went wrong. I loved Phil and I never hid it from him. He knew it. How do I explain this level of betrayal this man has caused me. My heart has never been broken before by any man. It had to be Phil of all people. When I accepted his proposal on his birthday, I told him I hid my heart from the world of love because I didn't want it to be broken. What did he do now? He took it, threw my love for him back at me and shattered my heart with his hands. I can't think straight at all. Everyday I wake hoping to feel better but this feeling of pain overwhelms me. Phil and I never argued for once.

We knew when to apologize whenever we hurt each other. We always went to bed without holding any grudges. Even our last conversation was a normal one. No arguments or anger just two people in love talking on Phone and then network went bad at his end and I never heard from him again. Was this how much I meant to him? That my absence means nothing to him at all. Is this what love means to him, a joke? Is this how much worthy I was to him, worthy to be ghosted? I heard of people ghosting their partners but I never knew someone who claimed to love me would ghost me out of the blues. I thought he was one of the most mature men I had come across now this. I mean what happened to telling me he didn't love me anymore and didn't want to continue the relationship? I would have understood and walked away without begging for things to work. I respect people's decisions and wouldn't force anything. If someone tells you they no longer feel the same way about you, the best you can do is respect their decision and leave. If someone had told me a month ago that Phil would ghost me, I would have laughed at them and told them not my Phil. Never in my wildest dream did I ever think that Phil would treat me in such a degrading manner. What did I do to deserve this? Is falling in love a crime. I was happy and on my own when he decided to text me and later made me fall in love with him. All for what? This terrible behaviour from him. No one deserves to go through this pain. Some men can be so insensitive and heartless. If he was offline Facebook, I would have tried to reach out to one of his Facebook friends within his country cause then I would have known that something was wrong but I see him online almost everyday and my heart breaks each time. I think this is why long distance relationships aren't advised to begin with unless if the two people are both invested in the relationship, it makes it easier. How will I get rid of this pain I feel?

Before I started dating Phil, one of my dear friends Eve, had gone through the exact same thing of being ghosted. She and her then boyfriend were so inlove. The guy informed her he was going to get really busy with work but as soon as he was done with working on that particular project, he'd make up for the busy days. The guy disappeared out of my friends life and never returned to her as promised. Instead, he ghosted her and starting dating someone else. My friend was torn apart during that period. He never gave her any closure but just moved on selfishly like they never had anything going. My friend would cry each time I was checking up on her. Appetite became a problem for her too. It was sad seeing her in that position cause that was her first love. I comforted her until she got better and accepted the situation. She's happy now and engaged to a great man who adores her. It's like first love has its way of shaking one into reality. It makes one think they are on top of the world for a second and the next, they are on the ground they didn't want to fall on. Oh Phil. I don't even know where to start from. I'm glad we never even met in person at this point cause the hurt would have been worse. It's already this bad even without meeting face to face.

Maybe he got back with his ex girlfriend after all or found another woman to love who was in the same vicinity as him. I was loyal to him. Was he even loyal? All the excuses he kept giving me for going quiet could mean that maybe he was entertaining someone else. Love is not for the weak. You love someone with your whole heart and they choose to just treat you in a way that makes you think you meant nothing to them at all. I keep asking myself questions I have no answers to. The only person who can give me answers is that heartbreaker. I would never treat someone I love the way this man has treated me, never. No wonder some people just close their hearts to love after bad experiences. It's not easy. Maybe my heart needed this ghosting to let me know Phil never really loved me after all. All those times he would go quiet should have let me slowly accept that he wasn't really invested in this relationship as much as I was. The problem was I kept giving excuses for what was obvious. Love is really blind indeed. It makes you overlook certain things even when they hurt just to make one feel better. I should have known better. I thought Phil was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life. He seemed perfect and I grew inlove. Now here I am wishing I should have left things at hi, hello. I should have never replied to that message request. I wish I deleted and blocked it the first time I saw it. Atleast, he could have reached out to apologize for his long silence. He rather chose to break my heart knowing fully well I was inlove with him. Maybe that was the problem, making him feel that important. Making him know his silence was hurting me must have boosted his ego to ghost me and forget I existed. The heart is difficult to tame when in love. You can't tell it how to love someone. It's got a mind of its own and will literally drag you to follow its orders.

I wish he could call me or text me one last time so I can tell him off. If long distance was hard he would have said it outrightly and not pretended to be able to manage. I really fooled myself into thinking a long distance relationship could work. His poor communication should have rang a bell in my head but no. All it sent were soothing lullabies to my soul. Men, some men can be so selfish. I feel so bad for making my heart go through this. I could have done better. But how was I supposed to know he'd leave me like this. He was like a breath of fresh air. The love felt mutual. He was a safe space or rather a disaster waiting to happen. I gave him my all. Made sure I was always there for him when he needed me. He didn't even think twice before ghosting me. This is so embarrassing. This love felt like it because it wasn't rushed and they say beautiful things take time. We just found ourselves in love or maybe I was the only one in love. Some love stories blossom while others wither before your very own eyes. Will I ever find love again or maybe I'm not worthy of being loved by another. The one time I chose to give love a chance I get this disappointment that tears me apart. I hope I never have to grow through another heartbreak after this cause I don't think I will survive it. That's why they say that people who don't really love you will find excuses to keep giving you when all they could do is easily adjust. No one told me a heart break could cause one so much devastation. For the sake of my sanity, I will delete Phil's number and unfriend him on Facebook so I can heal quickly. I feel like each time I see him online, I am delaying the healing process of my heart which isn't fair. It's okay to cry until I the days when the pain disappears and I can share my story with someone and encourage them. I got my phone from under my pillow and turned on my data. I went to my contact list and deleted Phil's number. Thereafter, I went to my WhatsApp and deleted our entire conversation and finally I went to my my messages on messenger and saw he was online 2 hours ago. I got upset and deleted our entire conversation and then unfriended him. I cried that afternoon until my teary glands couldn't produce anymore tears.