Dilemma & Trauma

My heart was pounding, as if weighed down by an invisible burden. I had just uttered the word "love" to Riana, but it felt foreign on my lips, as if it wasn't really me speaking. It wasn't that I didn't care for Riana, but I knew my feelings weren't entirely genuine.

What I felt wasn't love, but rather admiration for Riana's friendly, polite, and amiable demeanor. Yet, Riana seemed to demand more, and I felt cornered.

Riana, with her sharp and questioning eyes, seemed to sense my unease. She knew something was off.

"Andra, I feel like you're hiding something," she said softly, yet suspiciously. "I need your honesty. What do you really feel?"

I took a deep breath. It seemed I could no longer avoid this.

"Riana, I need time. This isn't about you or Luna. It's about me. I have a complicated past."

Riana furrowed her brows.

"The past? What happened, Andra? Why have you never told me?"

I turned my face away, trying to avoid Riana's piercing gaze that seemed to penetrate my soul. Honestly, I wasn't ready for this. The trauma I had buried for years suddenly felt so close, like a ghost haunting me again.

"I've been hurt before, Riana. I once loved someone, but they left me without a word."

Riana fell silent for a moment, then stepped closer.

"Do I seem like I'm going to leave you? Think about it. What if one day I leave you, but Luna can't?"

"I'm here, with you. And Luna loves you too. We want you in our lives, but I need certainty. I need to know if you truly love me, or if you're just feeling obligated," Riana continued.

I looked at Riana, her eyes filled with conflict. I didn't want to hurt her, but I also couldn't lie to myself.

"I don't know, Riana. I like you. I care about you and Luna. But love... love is complicated for me. I'm scared, Riana. I'm scared I won't be able to give you what you need."

"You're what we need, Andra."

"But I need time for that, Riana."

Riana sighed, her face betraying hidden disappointment. "I understand you have trauma. But this relationship can't continue like this. I need commitment, and Luna also needs someone like you in her life. If you're not sure, maybe we need to rethink everything."

My chest felt tight this time. I didn't want to lose Luna and Riana, but I also couldn't force myself to love her. I was trapped in a dilemma, torn between the desire to make Luna and Riana happy and my fear of opening my heart again.

"I need time, Riana. I can't promise anything right now. But I'll try. I just need time," I finally said.

Riana nodded slowly, but there was doubt in her eyes.

"I'll give you time, Andra. But remember, time won't solve everything if you're not willing to open your heart."

That afternoon, I felt torn. I knew that someday, I would have to choose—either face my fears and try to love Riana fully, or let them go before it was too late. But for now, I could only stand in the middle, trapped in an endless dilemma.

***

The cool morning breeze gently brushed through my disheveled hair. I sat on a large rock that had become my usual spot whenever I came to this hill, Rembangan Hill.

My gaze stretched far to the horizon, where the blue sky met the green line of the mountains. The air here always brought a sense of calm, something I rarely found amidst the hustle and bustle of city life.

But this time, that calmness eluded me. My mind was filled with thoughts of two women who had entered my life in different ways—Luna and Riana. Both had stirred my heart, and I felt trapped in an endless dilemma. Especially now that Riana expected me to be her life partner.

"Why does it have to be like this?" I murmured softly, my voice almost lost in the wind.

This was truly a heavy choice. Riana represented comfort, stability, and maturity. Meanwhile, Luna was adventure, freedom, and youthful energy that made me feel alive.

As I tried to enjoy the serene atmosphere of Bukit Rembangan, my phone suddenly rang. It was Bastian calling.

"Hey, Bas. What's up?"

"Where are you, bro?" Bastian asked.

"At Rembangan Hill. Alone," I replied.

"Let's go to Rifky's place. He's back from his maritime school," Bastian said enthusiastically.

"Really? Thank goodness our friend is finally back. Alright, let's meet there."

I was thrilled. Finally, one of our close friends had returned. Unfortunately, Joseph couldn't join this little reunion, as he had moved to a new university in Seoul.

When I arrived at Rifky's house, a small smile spread across my face as I held the souvenir he had just given me—a vintage-looking sailor's hat filled with stories.

Rifky, my friend who had just returned from abroad after completing his maritime studies, had now become a successful sailor. I was proud of him, though a hint of longing lingered in my heart. I missed the days when we used to hang out, play music, and joke around without any burdens.

Rifky's house felt warm and lively. Bastian had already arrived, lounging on the sofa while holding Rifky's acoustic guitar. Our laughter filled the room, as if time had never separated us.

Rifky, with his slightly tanned skin from the sea sun, looked more mature. But his eyes still held the same spark—the spark of a friend who was always full of spirit and cheerfulness.

"Here, for you, Bastian," Rifky said, tossing a small box toward Bastian.

Bastian caught it deftly, opened it, and found a small anchor-shaped necklace.

"Wow, this is awesome, Rif! Thanks, man!" Bastian exclaimed, immediately putting it on.

I smiled as I watched them.

"You always bring back cool souvenirs, Rif," I said, nodding.

Rifky just laughed. "Of course, we're friends. I couldn't come back without bringing something for you guys."

That moment felt like a mini-reunion. We talked about many things—Rifky's work on the ship, Bastian's busy college life, and my still complicated personal life.

But then, Rifky looked at me with a serious expression. "Hey, how's Joseph? I haven't heard anything about him."

"Joseph moved to Seoul, Rif. He's studying there. He said it's business, but I haven't heard much from him. Seems like he's really busy," I replied.

Rifky nodded slowly, his face showing a hint of sadness. "Ah, so it's just the three of us now? The mini version of Boys of Heroes."

"Yeah, but we're still solid, right?" Bastian chimed in with a smile. Rifky and I nodded, reaffirming the bond between the three of us.

After a while, Rifky suddenly stood up and invited us to the music studio he had rented earlier. "Come on, let's play music like we used to! I've missed playing with you guys."

The studio was small but cozy. The complete set of musical equipment got us excited right away. I was on the drums, Bastian on the guitar, and Rifky handled the bass and vocals. We started playing the old songs we used to perform.

The sound of music filled the room, as if bringing us back to our high school days, when we still dreamed big and believed that the three of us could become famous musicians.

But in the middle of our jam session, my phone vibrated. I stopped playing the drums and checked the screen. It was Riana. The atmosphere in the studio instantly turned quiet, and all eyes were on me.

"Hey, bro? What's up?" Rifky asked curiously.

"If that call's important, you should take it," Bastian said.

"Alright, bro," I said, stepping out of the room for a moment.

I took a deep breath before answering. "Hello, Riana?"

"Andra, can we meet now? At my place?" Riana's voice sounded serious.

I frowned.

"What's wrong, Riana? Why so sudden?"

"I need to talk to you. Now."

I glanced back at Rifky and Bastian, who were watching me curiously through the studio window. Then I went back inside.

"Sorry, guys, I have to go."

Rifky nodded, though he looked a little disappointed. "Okay, but don't take too long, alright? We're not done here yet."

I gave a small smile.

"Don't worry, I'll be back soon."

I quickly grabbed my jacket and hurried out of the studio, leaving my friends behind.

On the way to Riana's house, I felt something was off. My mind was filled with questions. What made Riana suddenly want to meet? Was there a serious problem? Or was it about our relationship?

When I arrived at Riana's house, I knocked on the door with a racing heart. Riana opened the door, her face pale and full of anxiety.

"Come in, Andra."

I nodded, stepping inside with mixed feelings. I had a feeling I knew what this conversation would be about—our still undefined relationship.

"What's wrong, Riana?" I asked anxiously.

"Andra, I'm sorry in advance. Starting today, you don't need to pick up and drop off Luna anymore. I'll take care of it," Riana said seriously.

"Why's that?" I asked, puzzled.

"I just don't want to trouble you, Andra. I can handle it myself. So, thank you for taking such good care of Luna and being so attentive to her. It really means a lot to me, truly."

I could see it in her eyes—the disappointment because of my rejection of her love. But in truth, I wasn't rejecting her. I knew she was a good woman, unlike anyone else I'd ever known. The only flaw in Riana was that she couldn't respect my decision. Now, we just stood there, staring at each other in silence in the living room.