Episode 2: The Bard and the Self-Playing Lute (That Won’t Shut Up)

It was a quiet morning — the kind of quiet that only happens when all the tools in Felix's shop are either broken or too scared to make noise.

Felix was halfway through fixing a "self-washing spoon" (which, so far, only flung soap at people's faces) when the door burst open with the enthusiasm of a drunk troll at a wedding.

In stumbled a bard. Well, "bard" might've been generous. He had a lute slung over his shoulder, a feathered hat that drooped sadly to one side, and the kind of smile that belonged on someone who's never been applauded for anything but leaving.

"Good morrow, fine craftsman!" the bard declared, voice cracking on "morrow."

Felix blinked. "...We're closed."

The bard blinked back. "The sign says open."

Felix glanced at the sign, which said: "Open. Regrettably."

He sighed. "What do you want?"

The bard grinned wider. "I am Alaric the Magnificent!"

Zira, who had been asleep inside a teapot, poked her head out. "He looks more like Alaric the Unemployed."

Felix stifled a snort. "What do you need, Alaric the Magnificent?"

The bard puffed out his chest. "I require a self-playing lute!"

Felix raised an eyebrow. "Because…?"

Alaric beamed. "Because strumming is exhausting, and my hands are meant for grander gestures — like pointing dramatically at the audience."

Zira flew over and squinted at him. "You sure it's not because you don't know how to play?"

Alaric turned red. "W-what? Ridiculous! I am a virtuoso!"

Felix sighed. "Alright. Fine. Self-playing lute. Got it. Any... special requests?"

Alaric's eyes sparkled. "Make it play epic ballads — the kind that stir souls and bring maidens to tears."

Zira grinned. "Tears of joy or tears of regret?"

Alaric ignored her. "Oh! And make it announce my name dramatically before every performance!"

Felix smirked. "Sure. What could go wrong?"

---

Later that day...

Felix worked fast. The lute was enchanted with an auto-play spell and a little extra flair — because if he had to make a bard's ego bigger, he might as well go all in.

"Alright," Felix muttered, placing the final rune. "Moment of truth."

The lute vibrated, strings plucking themselves to life. A deep, majestic voice bellowed:

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PREPARE YOUR EARS FOR… ALARIC THE MAGNIFICENT!"

The lute burst into a dramatic, fiery solo. It was impressive. For about five seconds.

Then the voice came back.

"WITNESS THE UNSTOPPABLE TALENT OF ALARIC THE MAGNIFICENT!"

More lute. Louder this time. Faster. The strings were practically screaming.

Zira stared. "Is… is it getting faster?"

The lute's voice didn't stop.

"ALAAAARIC THE MAGNIFICENT! YOU LUCKY PEASANTS, YOU GET TO HEAR ALARIC AGAIN! AND AGAIN! AND AGAIN!"

The lute launched into what sounded like a musical sword fight between two angry cats.

Felix groaned. "I think I gave it too much personality."

Zira snorted. "I think you gave it an ego bigger than his."

---

The Next Day…

Alaric returned, looking less "Magnificent" and more "Please Let Me Die." The lute was slung across his back, still screaming praises for him.

"BEHOLD! ALARIC THE MAGNIFICENT, WHO ONCE TRIED TO SEDUCE A BAKER'S DAUGHTER AND ONLY GOT A LOAF OF BREAD!"

Felix blinked. "...Did it improvise that one?"

Alaric looked like a broken man. "Yes."

Zira choked on her coffee.

"ALAAARIC THE MAGNIFICENT, WHO WANTS YOU TO FORGET HE FELL OFF THE STAGE LAST NIGHT!"

Felix raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, that sounds custom."

Alaric slammed the lute on the counter. "Fix it. Please. I'm begging you."

Felix leaned on the counter, smirking. "I dunno. Sounds like it's doing a better job of entertaining people than you."

"ALAAARIC THE MAGNIFICENT, WHO ONCE CRIED OVER A BURNT OMELET!"

Zira fell off her teapot laughing.

Felix sighed. "Alright, alright. I'll fix it. No more voice?"

Alaric shook his head furiously.

Felix nodded. "Got it. I'll reprogram it to only scream 'You suck!' at hecklers instead."

Alaric looked horrified. "That's worse!"

Zira wiped tears from her eyes. "No, no. That's perfect."

Felix grinned. "Done deal."

As Alaric slunk out, lute still shouting his life's failures to the street, Zira fluttered over to Felix, grinning ear to ear.

"You know," she said thoughtfully, "if this whole tool-making thing doesn't work out… we might have a future ruining people's lives for money."

Felix chuckled. "Yeah. Business is booming."