Episode 3: The Goblin and the Toaster of Passive-Aggression

Felix had barely finished sweeping the shop (by "sweeping," he mostly shoved things under the counter) when the door slammed open so hard, the bell gave up and fell off.

In waddled a goblin. He was short, green, and wearing a vest that might've been stylish if it wasn't two sizes too small and missing most of its buttons. Under one arm, he carried a dented metal box with a lever on the side.

"Oi! You the magic guy?" the goblin barked.

Felix sighed. "Technically, yes."

The goblin slammed the box on the counter. "This thing's cursed. Fix it."

Felix eyed the box. "...That's a toaster."

The goblin jabbed a finger at it. "It's a demon. I make toast, it insults me. Every. Morning."

Zira poked her head out from behind a shelf, grinning. "Maybe it's just being honest?"

The goblin glared. "It called me a 'burnt marshmallow with legs' and said my mom probably lied about loving me."

Felix leaned closer. "That… does sound personal."

The toaster rattled ominously. A low, tinny voice muttered from inside:

"Oh, great. Another idiot who thinks banging me on the counter will fix his personality."

Felix blinked. "...Okay, yeah, that's cursed."

The goblin threw up his hands. "See? It's ruining my mornings! Fix it, or I swear I'll chuck it in the river!"

The toaster piped up again.

"You couldn't throw me five feet, you soggy green sock puppet."

Zira dropped behind the counter, howling with laughter.

Felix sighed, rubbing his temples. "Alright, let me look at it."

---

Half an hour later…

Felix sat at his workbench, prying open the toaster. The insides were a mess of tangled wires, enchanted runes, and what might've been a piece of cheese.

"Found the problem," Felix muttered. "Looks like someone tried to combine a heating charm with a personality rune."

Zira hovered over his shoulder. "So instead of 'toast fast,' it became 'toast, but with attitude'?"

Felix nodded. "Yeah. Basically, it's a magical bread bully now."

The toaster buzzed to life.

"If you two brain cells are done staring, maybe fix me faster? I've got bread to ruin."

Felix stared at it. "...You know what? No."

Zira blinked. "No?"

Felix grinned. "No. I'm not fixing it."

The goblin's voice echoed from the front room. "WHAT?! WHY?!"

Felix called back, "Because I'm upgrading it."

Zira tilted her head. "Upgrading? To what?"

Felix smirked. "A motivational coach."

---

Later…

Felix walked back to the counter, the toaster tucked under his arm. The goblin stared at him suspiciously.

"You better not have made it worse," he grumbled.

Felix set the toaster down and patted it proudly. "Give it a try."

The goblin hesitated, then slowly placed a slice of bread inside.

The toaster hummed…

"You got this, champ. This toast is gonna be the best part of your sad little life."

The goblin blinked. "...It's… encouraging me?"

Felix grinned. "Keep listening."

The toaster clicked again.

"Remember — you're not ugly. You're uniquely unpleasant."

Zira fell off the shelf laughing.

The goblin groaned. "It's still insulting me!"

Felix shrugged. "Yeah, but now it's inspirational and insulting. Best of both worlds."

The toaster chimed one last time.

"Don't let anyone bring you down — except gravity, which is doing a fantastic job."

The goblin stared at the toaster, then sighed. "...I hate it."

Felix leaned on the counter. "You want a refund?"

The goblin grumbled, grabbed the toaster, and stomped toward the door. "No. It makes good toast."

As he left, the toaster chimed one last time:

"See ya, champ. Try not to trip on your own feet today."

Felix smirked, watching the goblin shuffle off. Zira wiped tears from her eyes.

"You know," she said between giggles, "I think you just gave that guy the most supportive thing in his life."

Felix chuckled. "Yeah. I'm a hero like that."