Episode 7: The Bard and the Cursed Lute

It was a quiet afternoon. Felix was balancing a spoon on his nose (Zira was timing him) when the door burst open to reveal a bard.

He was exactly what you'd expect: floppy hat, feather sticking out, a lute slung over his back, and an ego too big to fit through the doorway.

"I am Valerio the Magnificent!" he declared, posing with a flourish.

Felix glanced at Zira. "We got a 'Magnificent' this time. That's at least one rank below 'Fabulous,' right?"

Zira nodded seriously. "Yeah, two below 'Spectacular.' One above 'Slightly Adequate.'"

Valerio scowled. "I require an enchanted lute — one that ensnares hearts and makes the crowd weep from the beauty of my songs!"

Felix sighed. "Sure. One crowd-pleasing lute. Give me a minute."

---

Half an hour later…

Felix placed the lute on the counter. It looked perfect — polished wood, golden strings, even a fancy inlay of a tiny dancing goat for some reason.

"There. It's enchanted to enhance your music and guarantee everyone loves your performance."

Valerio snatched it up eagerly. "At last! The world will witness my true brilliance!"

He struck a dramatic pose and strummed a chord.

The lute hummed… then blared:

"NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP, NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOWN—"

The entire shop went silent. Felix stared. Zira stared. Valerio's mouth fell open.

"...What," he croaked.

Felix blinked. "Did that lute just—"

The lute didn't stop.

"NEVER GONNA RUN AROUND AND DESERT YOU—"

Zira collapsed to the floor, wheezing. "Oh no. You gave him a cursed lute that rickrolls people!"

Felix paled. "I—I didn't mean to! Must've grabbed the wrong enchantment scroll—"

Valerio, looking absolutely horrified, tried to stop playing. But his hands moved on their own, strumming the next verse.

"NEVER GONNA MAKE YOU CRY, NEVER GONNA SAY GOODBYE—"

"I can't stop!" he wailed, strumming helplessly.

Felix winced. "Yeah, that's definitely the 'Cursed Bard Package.' It forces you to perform ancient forbidden songs."

Zira howled with laughter. "What else is on the playlist, Felix? Got any Backstreet Boys in there?"

The lute changed songs abruptly:

"I WANT IT THAT WAY—"

Valerio shrieked in horror.

Felix scratched his head. "Well, technically, that's still a heartstring-puller…"

"FIX IT!" Valerio begged, still strumming.

The lute seamlessly transitioned into another hit:

"OPPA GANGNAM STYLE—"

Felix leaned on the counter, smirking. "You wanted the crowd to feel something. Pretty sure they'll feel second-hand embarrassment now."

Zira, gasping through her laughter, wheezed, "This is the best thing we've ever made."

Valerio, now red-faced and sweating, staggered to the door. "I'll… I'll go find a wizard! A real one!"

The lute, never missing a beat, blared:

"I'M A BARBIE GIRL, IN A BARBIE WORLD—"

Felix called after him, grinning ear to ear. "Good luck, Valerio the Slightly Adequate!"

The door slammed behind him, muffling the sound of the next cursed song:

"HELLO, IS IT ME YOU'RE LOOKING FOR—"

Zira wiped her tears. "Felix… we have to keep that curse. Can you imagine a bard battle with that thing?"

Felix snorted. "Bet the next guy's weirder."