Episode 16: The Bard and the Tone-Deaf Lute

The shop door swung open — slowly, hesitantly this time — and in walked a bard, his flamboyant hat drooping in misery. His lute, slung over his back, looked surprisingly intact. The bard himself? Not so much. His hair was a frizzy mess, his eye twitched sporadically, and his mustache looked like it had given up halfway through growing.

Felix leaned on the counter. "Let me guess. You've got a 'musical' problem?"

The bard sighed dramatically. "Oh, how fate mocks me! I am Leontius the Melodymaker, the voice of love and legend! Or at least… I was. Until this happened."

He pulled the lute around and plucked a single string.

The lute screamed.

Not musically. Not even remotely pleasantly. It let out a sound somewhere between a dying goat and an angry duck.

Zira physically recoiled. "Sweet gods, what was that?!"

Leontius groaned. "Every time I try to play, it's the same! Instead of enchanting the crowd with heartfelt ballads, I get… whatever that was."

Felix tilted his head. "What kind of enchantment did you ask for?"

Leontius straightened up proudly. "I requested a lute that would mesmerize my audience, pulling their hearts into my melodies!"

Felix examined the instrument. The runes were glowing faintly — and slightly off-key, which was impressive for glowing symbols.

"Looks like the enchanter misheard you," Felix mused. "They gave you a lute that hypnotizes people… but with soundwaves designed for livestock control."

Leontius blinked. "You're telling me my lute thinks my audience is a bunch of cows?!"

Felix shrugged. "Well, based on the noise, more like geese."

The bard's eye twitched harder.

Zira grinned. "At least you're guaranteed an audience. Just… mostly farmers."

Leontius groaned. "Please, I need this fixed. My reputation's in shambles. Last night, I tried to serenade a noblewoman from her balcony, and instead of swooning, she threw a chamber pot at me."

Zira snorted. "Maybe she's more into metal."

Felix chuckled, shaking his head. "Alright, alright. Let me rework the enchantment — make it charm humans instead of poultry."

---

An Hour Later…

Felix placed the lute back on the counter. "Fixed. I swapped the hypnotic frequency to match human brainwaves. It should now draw people in with an irresistible melody."

Leontius's eyes lit up. "Truly?"

Felix smirked. "Give it a strum."

The bard lifted the lute with reverence and strummed a gentle chord.

The sound was… beautiful. Soft, melodic, like sunlight filtering through a forest.

Zira sighed. "Wow. That's actually nice."

Felix nodded, satisfied.

Leontius beamed. He struck another chord — this time more confidently — and began to sing.

"Oh, fair maiden, with eyes so divine,

Let our hearts entwine, forever thine…"

The melody was enchanting. The words, poetic. Felix couldn't help but nod along.

Then he noticed Zira staring at him. Not in her usual sarcastic way — her pupils were huge.

"Uh… Zira?" Felix waved his hand in front of her face.

She didn't react. Instead, she blinked once, dreamily, and said, "Yeah… I'd totally marry him."

Felix froze. "…What?"

Leontius paused mid-verse. "Wait, what?"

Zira blinked again, her face turning red. "WHAT?! No — I didn't mean — I mean, NO!" She turned to Felix, mortified. "Fix it! Now!"

Felix groaned. "Ah. Right. I might have made it a little too powerful. The lute now compels romantic attraction."

Leontius stared at Felix, his voice rising in panic. "You mean — every time I sing, people are going to fall in love with me?!"

Felix shrugged. "Only temporarily. Probably."

Zira smacked him on the arm.

The bard looked horrified. "This isn't what I wanted! I'm a bard, not some heart-stealing gigolo!"

Felix sighed. "Alright, give me one more shot. I'll rework the enchantment. Again."

Leontius handed over the lute, defeated.

Felix paused. "...But you have to admit, that was a pretty good performance."

Zira glared. "Fix it before I propose."