Episode 26: The Wizard and the Unbearable Familiar

The shop door creaked open — slowly, this time — and in shuffled an old man in a robe so patched and frayed it looked like it had survived three magical explosions and a moth convention.

His beard was long, tangled, and full of suspicious crumbs. His eyes, however, gleamed with that particular mix of brilliance and poor life choices only wizards seemed to have.

"I seek… a familiar," he announced dramatically, his voice shaky yet commanding. "A creature to assist me in my arcane studies. One that is loyal, wise, and powerful!"

Zira raised an eyebrow. "Oh boy. We got a big dreamer."

Felix leaned on the counter. "Alright, old-timer. What kind of familiar? Owl? Cat? Maybe a raven? Classic wizard choices."

The wizard shook his head. "No. Those are boring. I want something unique. Something that inspires fear and awe in my enemies!"

Zira grinned. "You sure you don't just want a dog?"

The wizard scowled. "I am Archmage Cornelius the Infinite! I do not require a 'dog!' I require a beast of legendary might!"

Felix shrugged. "Your funeral. One beast of legendary might, coming up."

---

Thirty Minutes Later…

Felix slapped a glowing sigil onto a summoning circle. Magic swirled, light flashed — the usual.

The air shimmered, crackled, and finally…

POP.

A small, round, feathery ball plopped into the middle of the circle with a faint squeak.

It blinked.

Zira stared. "…Is that a chicken?"

The creature shook itself off. It was indeed a chicken — but unlike any chicken they'd seen. It was plump, bright purple, and radiated a faint, unsettling hum of raw magic.

"BAWK." it said, in a voice way too deep for a bird.

Cornelius stared, mouth hanging open. "What… what is this?"

Felix scratched his head. "Well, you said 'unique,' 'legendary,' and 'inspires fear,' right? Congratulations. You got an Arcane Thunderfowl."

"BAWK." The chicken hopped onto Cornelius's shoulder.

The wizard flinched. "It's… heavy."

Felix nodded. "Yeah, they're dense. Made of raw mana. But don't worry — it's smart."

"BAWK." The chicken leaned close to Cornelius's ear and, to everyone's shock, spoke.

"You're old, your robe smells funny, and your beard looks like a bird's nest. I should know. I'm a bird."

Cornelius sputtered. "It… it talks?"

Felix grinned. "Oh, yeah. They're super smart. Bit sarcastic, though."

Zira cackled. "You asked for wise. Didn't say it had to be polite."

Cornelius blinked, still processing. "Well… at least it's powerful, right?"

"BAWK." The chicken flapped its wings once. A bolt of blue lightning shot from its beak, obliterating Felix's 'Live Laugh Loot' sign on the wall.

Felix groaned. "That sign was expensive."

Cornelius gaped at the chicken, eyes wide with awe. "This… this is magnificent!"

"Yeah, sure, buddy, I'm magnificent," the chicken said in the same deep, unimpressed voice. "You, on the other hand, look like you lost a fight with a bag of laundry."

Zira nearly fell over laughing.

Cornelius twitched. "Can… can I get a different one?"

Felix shook his head, grinning. "No refunds."

The chicken hopped down and strutted toward the door. "Alright, Gandalf, let's get going. Maybe we can find you a personality while we're at it."

Cornelius groaned, but followed.

Zira wiped a tear from her eye. "I give him a week before he tries to banish that thing."

Felix smirked. "Five days, tops."