Episode 43: Self-Defending Hat

The bell clanged — not jingled, but clanged — like someone was ringing it out of spite. In stomped a wiry man with a suspiciously shiny bald head and an expression that suggested he was two inconveniences away from setting the world on fire.

Felix glanced up. "Lemme guess. Bad hair day?"

The man scowled. "I don't want to talk about it. I want a hat. A hat that defends itself from thieves. I'm sick of people snatching my hats."

Zira leaned against the doorframe, amused. "How often does that happen to you?"

"Three times this week!" the man barked. "I'm running out of hats! One guy even stole it while apologizing!"

Felix nodded thoughtfully. "Alright. Self-defending hat. Built-in alarm. Got it. Any… specific requests?"

The man hesitated. "Yeah. I want it to yell at people. Like, loudly. Make it rude if possible."

Felix grinned. "Oh, you're gonna love this."

---

One Hat, Two Arguments, and an Unplanned Lightning Bolt Later…

Felix plopped a stylish, deep blue trilby on the counter. It hummed faintly with enchanted energy.

"There you go. Theft-proof, sassy, and louder than a mother-in-law at a wedding."

The man picked it up carefully. "Does it work?"

Felix smirked. "Go ahead. Try to take it off."

The man put the hat on, then grabbed the brim and tugged.

The hat immediately came to life. "Oi! Hands off, Baldy! You think you can just steal me? I'm not some cheap knockoff from the discount bin!"

The man froze. "...Did it just call me Baldy?"

The hat kept going. "Oh, I'm sorry — were you blessed by the moonlight or is that just a tragic polishing accident up there?"

Zira wheezed from the back, barely containing her laughter.

Felix grinned. "Yeah, I may have tuned the sass a little high."

The man blinked, then smiled — a slow, wicked grin. "This is perfect." He turned to leave, and the hat immediately shouted, "Where are we going, Chrome Dome? Back to the land of poor life choices and questionable fashion?"

Felix and Zira completely lost it as the man walked out, hat still roasting him all the way down the street.