Episode 59: The Spellbook of Unhelpful Spells — Because Why Not?

The bell jingled as a young man in an oversized wizard robe stumbled into the shop, nearly knocking over a display of enchanted whoopee cushions. His staff was duct-taped at the top, and his hat flopped to one side like it had given up on life.

Felix looked up, already bracing himself. "Let me guess — you're a wizard-in-training?"

The man straightened his robe with great (but undeserved) confidence. "I prefer the term Arcane Artisan."

Felix squinted. "Right. What do you need, 'Arcane Artisan?'"

The man leaned in, grinning. "I want a spellbook."

"Plenty of those around. What kind?"

His eyes sparkled with mischief. "A spellbook of completely useless spells. The dumber, the better."

Felix paused. "...Why?"

"Because the other wizards in my class won't stop showing off their fancy fireballs and teleportation spells. I want to hit them with the dumbest, most pointless magic imaginable. Out of spite."

Felix slowly smiled. "I like your style."

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The Crafting: The Art of Pointless Magic

Zira poked her head into the workshop, curious. "What are you working on now?"

"Useless spellbook."

Her eyebrows shot up. "Like, spells that don't work?"

"No, no. They work. They're just… stupid."

Zira nodded thoughtfully. "Got any examples?"

Felix grinned as he scribbled down spell names:

"Lukewarmus Aquatica" — Turns cold water into slightly warmer water. Not hot. Just disappointingly tepid.

"Whispers of the Almost-Dead" — Lets you communicate with ghosts... but only the ones who died while napping, so they're too groggy to help.

"Featherweight Fiasco" — Makes an object one gram lighter.

"Detect Pie" — Specifically detects the nearest blueberry pie. Only blueberry.

"Summon Socks" — Summons a single sock. Never a matching one.

"Dramatic Wind Gust" — Creates a gust of wind strong enough to dramatically ruffle your hair, but that's it.

"Floatus Biscuitus" — Levitates a biscuit exactly two inches off the ground. No more, no less.

"Glowbutnottoobright" — Makes an object glow, but at the intensity of a weak nightlight.

"Infinite Echo" — Any word you shout echoes forever. Good luck stopping it.

Zira burst out laughing. "This might be your best work."

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The Result: Presentation Matters

Felix bound the spells into an old, leather book labeled "Grimoire of the Ineffective Arts."

He handed it to the young wizard, who nearly squealed with joy. "This… this is perfect. They won't know what hit them."

Felix smirked. "Technically, they won't know why they got hit by a floating biscuit. But close enough."

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The Fallout: A Wizard Duel for the Ages

Two days later, Felix and Zira were eating lunch when the shop's door banged open again. The young wizard stumbled in, robe half-burned, hair sticking up like a porcupine.

Felix set his sandwich down with a sigh. "Let me guess. It didn't go well?"

The wizard gasped. "It… went amazing."

Felix blinked. "Wait, what?"

He grinned, looking half-deranged. "They laughed at first — until I hit Gerald the Fire Mage with "Dramatic Wind Gust." His fireball blew backwards into his own face."

Zira choked on her drink.

"And then — and then I used "Featherweight Fiasco" on the Headmaster's staff. He leaned on it for his big speech, and it just… snapped. He fell flat on his face!"

Felix stared. "You turned a book of useless spells into a weapon of mass humiliation?"

The young wizard puffed his chest out. "They call me The Ineffectomancer now."

Felix nodded slowly. "You know what? I'm not even mad. That's impressive."

Zira, tears in her eyes from laughing, leaned on the counter. "So… same time next week?"

The young wizard grinned. "Definitely."