Episode 60: The Sarcastic Pet Translator — Because Pets Deserve to Roast Us Too

The doorbell chimed, and Felix didn't even look up. "If this one asks for a self-cleaning chamber pot again, I'm locking the door."

Zira smirked from behind the counter. "No such luck. Looks like a noblewoman this time. Fancy dress, way too much perfume."

Sure enough, Lady Rowena sauntered in, holding a fluffy white cat with an expression of pure disdain — from both the woman and the cat.

Felix sighed. "Welcome to Everyday Magic Tools. What can I get you?"

Rowena smiled politely. "I want a device that translates my beloved pet's thoughts. He's very… expressive, and I simply must know what he's thinking."

Felix raised an eyebrow. "Sure, we've got pet translators. Basic model's 10 silver."

She scoffed. "Basic? No, no. I need it to reflect his personality — something clever, sharp, sophisticated."

Felix glanced at the cat, which stared back with the cold apathy of a tax collector.

Zira leaned over. "You sure you want to know what that thing's thinking? It looks like it's plotting your downfall."

Rowena's smile faltered. "Oh, don't be silly. Mr. Whiskerton loves me."

Mr. Whiskerton blinked slowly, clearly disagreeing.

Felix smirked. "Alright, one Sarcastic Pet Translator coming up."

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The Crafting: Voice of the Beast (with Extra Snark)

Felix got to work, tinkering with a leftover communication crystal and a sarcasm rune (usually reserved for prank gifts).

Zira watched, munching on a biscuit. "So how sarcastic are we going here? Light sass or full-on 'roast you to tears' mode?"

Felix shrugged. "Let's start with light sass. If it's too mean, the cat might unionize."

---

The Test Run: A Cat's True Colors

Felix handed Lady Rowena the finished translator — a sleek, glowing collar for Mr. Whiskerton. "Alright, put this on him."

She carefully slipped it over the cat's neck. The crystal blinked, hummed softly, then…

"Ugh, finally. Do you know how long I've been screaming into the void with no one understanding me? It's exhausting."

Rowena gasped. "Mr. Whiskerton! You can speak!"

"Oh, I've always been able to speak, darling. You were just too dense to notice. But congrats on figuring it out… only took you five years."

Zira choked on her biscuit. Felix's grin widened.

Rowena blinked in shock. "M-Mr. Whiskerton, is that really how you feel?"

The cat stretched lazily. "Yes, and this rug is ugly too."

Rowena sputtered. "I… but I bought it from the royal market!"

"Well, you were robbed. Honestly, I've coughed up prettier things after eating grass."

Zira was wheezing from laughter now. Felix leaned on the counter, watching the chaos unfold.

Rowena tried to compose herself. "W-Well, surely you appreciate how well I take care of you, don't you, my sweet Whiskers?"

The cat yawned. "Oh, sure. I love the dry, flavorless peasant kibble you serve me every day. A true feast. Really sets the mood when I'm staring at you while you eat roast duck."

Felix whispered to Zira, "I think this might be our best invention yet."

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The Aftermath: Refund or Repeat Customer?

Rowena, red-faced, removed the collar and slammed it on the counter. "This… this thing is broken! My Mr. Whiskerton is a gentle soul, not some… sarcastic beast!"

The cat licked its paw, then looked directly at Felix. "Don't fix it. This is the most fun I've had in years."

Rowena huffed, scooping up her cat. "I'll be filing a complaint with the Guild of Enchanters about this! Good day!"

She stormed out, slamming the door behind her.

Zira wiped tears from her eyes. "So… should we make more?"

Felix chuckled. "Only if we add a 'roast intensity' dial."