Chapter 3: Trauma

.....my childhood ...

....to say the least for me was hell....

but in that hell there was one silver lining

....anime

I was introduced to anime by my oldest sister...

so I really have her to thank

... because without It.......don't know...or even what to think how i would have survived the coming years...

looking back...it's really funny to think about my first reaction to it....

how I walked in the living room and saw a cartoon playing on tv..... speaking in a different language....

....and my sister.... singing and dancing.... very enthusiastically with a anime opening

....and thought she went crazy....

she eventually saw me..... and i tried to rushed to tell everyone she was crazy

....she ran after me and eventually calmed me down and told me about it..

....and really after watching a couple episode I was hooked....

I couldn't get enough of it

I had to have more to the point that watched it more than my sister and became more passionate about then her

...it was like I found my own "release "....

I would watch more and more...

..diving further down the hole head first.....to the point where the character becomes my friends.....

...to replace the ones I didn't have in my life...

....and to top it off they wouldn't leave me....

But back to my mother's mistake....

the drugs that was introduced to her... made her a little deaf to things that should have been obvious to any observer....

When the guy got high he became increasingly violent....

....and that....look in his eye would grow more pronounced over time....

During when he was still trying to get into my mother pants he had bought 2 dogs...

..... well puppies really for us to play with

it made us happy...

But when he finally got what he wanted from mother.....and the puppies grew a little older.....

...when he got high he would beat the ever living shit out of those puppies....

.....to the point that they developed an extreme fear just being around him.....

His excuse at the time was that he was training the dogs to be more vicious and better guard dogs....

but the way he "trained" him...and the look on his face as he did so.....

make it clear to me.....that was nowhere near the case

when she mother.....checked out.....

.....he checked in

.....he started the beatings on the dogs first.....you know....got them in line.....

than he moved to my mother.....

....i still remember the first time I saw him throw her to the ground.....while she was high out her mind....

....he was mad about.... something.....and was taking it out on her.....

by punching her....

over.....

and over....

and over again.....

.... me and my sister at the time.....was small..... too young.....to be seen as any significant threat to a drugged out 35 y/0 290 Ib man.....

...we would just be knocked to the side as he continues to rain punches on my mother....

the amount of times my mother was sent to the hospital was insane.....

..to her.....and her state of mind at the time..... she was getting high for free(music to her financially stressed and mentally depressed ears) and didn't want to let it go....

.....so she put up with the domestic abuse....

...but.....

.....she didn't see... or want to see.....what he was doing to us.... her kids..

It went than from him beating the dogs..... and my mother

..... to finally him beating us....

.....not.....like...with a belt when we was bad.....

....but him really beating the shit out of us....

me more so than my sister...

because at the time he still had his eyes on them and I was just the boy...

... I could see he also looked at me like my sisters...

but.....

....the look I would sometimes see in his eyes as he looked at us sent chilles down my spine....

....especially the sinister smile I would catch in my peripheral

the same look he give the dogs when he was "training" them....or when he was beating my mother.....

It got to the point where we would wear long sleeves to cover bruises and wounds

and extra layers for more padding to areas that hurt most but still had to use in school life...

Then the dog attacks began....

when he had "trained" the dog sufficiently.....

....he started testing their new "guarding" abilities on us....and again me the worst.....

To put it into perspective... we raised those dogs from puppies to full grown dogs....

.....when we first got them their breed didn't matter to us...

...we was happy yo have puppies to play with them..... but when the attacks started their breed started to shine.....

They because extremely vicious to the ones who fed them..... the dude was to busy or high to care about them....

in fact he didn't care about them at all....

Only times he did was when he was high and wanted to beat on something....

...we..... who took care of them...because he beat them so bad... they couldn't move right or eat by themselves.....

But becase of their fear if him they forgot all love we showed them.....

only listening to his commands to attack us....

he was smart about it....

.....a little...

... at first...

....doing the attacks when my mother went to work..... and threatening us if we tell...he's only going to beat our mother in front of us.....

.. then sic the dogs on us again.

This went on for around a few more months.....

before he finally got my older sister.....

she had some kind of expense that my mother didn't have enough to handle.....and he heard that conversation between mother and daughter.....

.....when she left for work the next day..... he told all the rest of us to go outside while he talked to my sister....

at the time I didn't know what his plan was....

....but when we came back inside...my sister eye's were red and wet...

..... but she somehow had more money than I ever seen her have before....

....I knew that it could have only come from him....

.....and he did something to my sister... but she wouldn't tell us what.....

....then again looking back....

...he used the same trick on all of us.....

....he isolated my family from loved ones....

..... lwas violent and possessive towards each and everyone one of us but to different degrees....

the next to fall was my full younger sister....

....she hadn't seen our father in months.....

...because of the dude

.... and she could no longer get what she usually got from our father....

....so when she saw her older sister with all that money....

.....even though she didn't say how she got it...

....my younger sister still put 2 and 2 together and figured it came from "him".....

....she wanted money too.....

..... and she asked him for some.....

.....just like last time he waited until our mother was gone....

..... and just like last time he told all of us to leave the house......

....mwhen we came back the same thing awaited us....

My sister.....red eyed... sad expression on her face...but a large amount of money in her pocket.....

...the last to go out of my sisters was the youngest....

.... and to touch my youngest sister who at the time was...reallllyyyyy young.....

.... showed the depraved mind he had....

all of us was young..... but her more so the all of us...

....and I am ashamed.....to say... that while it took longer.... he eventually got me too

...but I had to endure more beatings...and more dog attacks

.....once the guy got to my sister's.....the abuse and attacks.... against them became non-existent...

.....in my I eyes..... i know that it didn't stop....

... just changed form

.....he became more brutal towards me and the look in his eyes as he did so almost took on a fanatical and possessive look....

when I was at the age of 12 almost 13...he made his move towards me...

....at the time I didn't understand what exactly he was doing with my sister... I only knew that what ever it was you can get money from him...and maybe the beating and attacks would stop....

.....they didn't...they only grew more twisted and cruel.....

...because to him the girls he can only do certain things to....

...but for what he wanted to do to me.....he seen it as I'm a guy and can handle more abuse...

....my mother would turn a blind eye in the name of disciplining me.....and give me a father figure to look up to....

If only she woke up even then...things could have turn out differently