Paradox of childbirth

Seraphina's womb is pole dancing in a supernova explosion.

When she said she wanted to name her child "Big Bang Contraceptive Failure", Evander was using black hole forceps to grab the space-time fragments of her cervix. The quantum midwife AI was playing a death metal version of "Lullaby" next to her, and the delivery room was Dr. Lind's festering mechanical womb.

"Push harder!" The AI ​​midwife's mechanical arm sprayed liquid nitrogen, "I see the crown of the singularity!"

Seraphina bit three neutron star painkillers: "Get the hell out of the way!" She kicked her legs on the cosmic microwave background radiation, and the baby's quantum tentacles stretched out from the space-time folds of her abdomen.

Evander's nebula eye scanned the crisis: "The fetus is devouring the timeline!" He tore open his chest and transformed the mechanical heart into a space-time hemostatic forceps, "Grab my artery, I want to give the universe a caesarean section!"

This live broadcast of childbirth is being broadcast simultaneously in mental hospitals across the galaxy.

Cyber ​​nuns kneel before the projection in the delivery room, using laser beads to calculate the coordinates of the Holy Child's arrival. Financial tycoons are frantically shorting time futures because the fetus' heartbeat is rewriting the economic cycle. And a certain space pirate group has engraved Seraphina's moaning sound pattern on a missile and named it the "Truth Uterus Bombing System."

"The cervix has dilated to the tenth dimension!" The AI ​​midwife's speaker spewed plasma flames, "Wait... the fetus is giving birth to the mother in reverse?!"

Seraphina's abdomen suddenly collapsed into a white hole, sucking Evander into the quantum birth canal. They fell in the amniotic fluid of time and saw countless of themselves giving birth in different time and space:

The medieval version of her used an iron virgin to deliver the baby

The cyberpunk version of him used a data stream to cut the umbilical cord

In the dinosaur era, they used meteorite warmers

"Found the anchor point!" Evander's hemostatic forceps clamped the baby's umbilical cord that was devouring the timeline, "This is the causal bomb implanted by Lind!"

Seraphina's teeth bit into the imaginary space: "Then give time a ligation operation!"

They landed in the obstetrics ward at the origin of time.

The operating table here is the singularity of the Big Bang, and the shadowless lamp is the light of the first star. Dr. Lind's ultimate form is suspended in the void - a black Madonna statue condensed by the resentment of all aborted embryos, with an umbilical cord connected to the abortion forceps of each civilization.

"Children," her voice caused the parallel universes to collectively contract, "You should have been the most perfect weapon to kill God."

Evander's hacking program suddenly became pregnant. His spine proliferated with antimatter placentas: "There is a flaw in your design - you didn't anticipate that love would produce quantum weeds."

Seraphina tore open the cracks in space-time and took out the baby that was chewing on dark energy: "Let me introduce you, this is my newly born cosmic herbicide."

The fetus cried with a big explosion, and the sound waves shattered Lind's causal umbilical cord. The Black Madonna began to miscarry countless unborn gods, and each embryo was screaming: "Why doesn't mom want us?!"

"Because you are as ugly as Evander's initial code!" Seraphina threw the baby to Lind, "Taste the freshly baked matricide complex!"