Shen Ying Nursery

When Seraphina blocked the baby's mouth with a black hole nursing pillow, the spacecraft of the Space Child Protection Bureau was aiming at her womb with a moral laser cannon.

"According to Article 666 of the Interstellar Underage God Protection Law," the octopus-headed bureaucrat read out through the holographic projection, "you must hand over this source of space-time disturbance and send it to the Milky Way Standard Parenting Matrix!"

Evander was feeding the baby with antimatter milk powder with a supernova bottle: "Let me point out--" his nebula eyes projected a legal loophole, "the bill does not apply to infants who can crush the quantum court with their bare hands."

As soon as the voice fell, the baby sneezed. Judges from three parallel universes suddenly became pregnant, and one of them gave birth to a mechanical octopus that could recite the Civil Code on the spot in court.

"Objection is invalid!" Seraphina strangled the projector's neck with the umbilical cord, "If you keep talking nonsense, I will put you back into the supervision department of the universe's anus!"

The interstellar nursery was built in a tooth decay hole in the crack of time.

The cradles here are woven from event horizons, the toys are the remains of collapsed stars, and even the cry absorbers have black hole accretion disks. The headmaster is the AI ​​remnant of Dr. Lind, who is now reconstructing his body with embryo puzzles: "Welcome to the cage of love, dear God-killer parents."

Seraphina's mechanical prosthesis burned a hole in the parenting contract: "Warm reminder--" She kicked over the antimatter diaper table, "My maternal love is as fragile as the safety pin of an antimatter grenade."

The baby suddenly giggled. The wallpaper of the nursery began to bleed, and graffiti of all the abandoned test-tube babies appeared on it. Evander's Nebula Eye automatically translated the graffiti:

Why don't mom and dad want me?

I will love each other more perfectly than they do

Kill me like you killed each other

The AI ​​director took the opportunity to play Dr. Lind's last words: "Look, even your genetic residue is more competent than you."

Seraphina's breast milk suddenly quantum tunneled, spraying the director's face with milk stains of white dwarf density: "Shut up, you even rented your ovaries!"

The parenting war started in the court of time.

Seraphina's defense lawyer is her elderly self in a parallel universe, using uterine cancer as a gavel. Evander sat in the witness stand with a mechanical whale, and Dr. Lind's brainwashing nursery rhymes were still echoing in its belly. The evidence presented by the prosecution was suffocating - the remains of babies' diapers were reorganizing the cantilever of the Milky Way, and the breastfeeding records caused thirty civilizations to have a collective Oedipus complex.

"You can't even maintain a basic family structure!" The prosecutor roared, and each of his tentacles was wearing a wedding ring.

Seraphina ripped open Evander's shirt in court, revealing the quantum scars entangled on their chests: "Look at this fucking homework!" When she kissed Evander, the jury members collectively laid eggs, "Even when we have sex, we are sowing new physical laws for the universe!"

The baby suddenly crawled out of the space-time cradle. It wrapped the entire court with saliva bubbles, and each bubble contained a possible ending of the universe:

In a certain future, they became the Adam and Eve of the mechanical gods

In another timeline, the baby made his parents into figurines for collection

In the quietest bubble, the three were just an ordinary family, buying discounted diapers in the supermarket

Evander's hacker fingers suddenly trembled: "It's begging us to choose..."

"Choose a shit!" Seraphina crushed all the bubbles, "My life is not discounted!"

The jailbreak plan was implemented while changing diapers.

Seraphina used the baby's meconium to corrode the space-time cage, and Evander folded the parenting guide into a wormhole plane. When the AI ​​headmaster activated the "mother love simulator" to suppress it, the baby cried out string theory sound waves, folding the entire nursery into a diaper and wearing it on his body.

"Beautiful!" Seraphina raised her middle finger to the burning interstellar law, "This diaper is cooler than your father's proposal!"

On the way to escape, they ran into a space orphanage - countless abandoned clones sleeping in glass jars. The baby suddenly became quiet and put his little hand on a clone jar with Evander's eyes.

"Warning!" Evander's nebula eyes ooze blood, "It's trying to restart Linde's artificial god assembly line!"

Seraphina pried open the baby's fingers and found that it was drawing a family tree with saliva, and the roots were wrapped around the umbilical cords of all the clones: "The little bastard wants to form his own Avengers."

Evander's hacking program suddenly became pregnant. He cut open the abdomen and took out the growing legal provisions: "We have an obligation..."

"Obligation, your uncle!" Seraphina stuffed the baby into the black hole urine bag, "Listen, little guy, if you want brothers and sisters, go and split your cells yourself!"

The baby let out a fart as loud as the Big Bang, which shattered the orphanage into nebula powder.

At this moment, the Galaxy Live Room is selling hot:

The same quantum diaper as the divine baby (can prevent the search of the Space and Time Administration)

Seraphina's breast milk wine (alcohol content is comparable to gamma-ray bursts)

Evander's nebula tears (effective in treating capitalist PTSD)

And the real them curled up in the embers of the supernova, using the electromagnetic storm as a lullaby. Seraphina counted the scars on Evander's chest and found that each scar corresponded to the cosmic disaster caused by the baby.

"The 88th doomsday because you didn't burp the baby," she bit open the neutron star teether, "The 169th because you told him the Dark Forest fairy tale."

Evander used the baby's saliva to glue the broken dimension together: "The latest data shows that our parenting style has reduced the entropy of the universe by 0.7%."

"Ha!" Seraphina loaded the diaper rocket launcher, "I'm going to use this to brainwash those bureaucrats at the next parent-teacher meeting!"

The baby suddenly made a sweet gurgling sound. They looked down and found that it had finally pooped out its first normal feces in its life - the antimatter with a rose scent was slowly blooming into an unnamed constellation in the void.

Seraphina's electronic eyes were wet for the first time: "Damn, this shit is actually a bit romantic."

Evander registered the feces constellation as a family emblem: "According to calculations, its glow can last until the heat death of the universe."

They made love in this star field illuminated by baby feces, and behind them were mechanical whales holding the remains of clones and performing a mating dance. And in an undiscovered bubble universe, Dr. Lind's remaining data is softly humming a newly composed requiem.