HER POV III

"It is often said that eyes speak more volumes than our mouths."

I heave a deep sigh.

A sigh brought on by intense sorrow.

May iba pa bang paraan para puksain ang kirot na dulot ng mundo?

My face lit up as I slightly furrowed my brows.

My lips parted, "Napatawag ka yata?"

With a voice filled with curiosity, when I saw her number flash on my screen, I tapped the answer button.

"Hey beks, busy ka? Dinner tayo today?" her high-pitched voice greeted.

I creased my forehead, with squinted eyes and a clenched jaw.

Nilayo ko ang aking cellphone mula sa aking tainga as she's in her rapid-fire speech era.

Halatang miss na miss na niya ako.

But I couldn't deny the heaviness in my chest, the guilt crawling up my throat every time she tried to reach out.

I decided to keep quiet and think of a heavy excuse to avoid her.

I was about to make an excuse when she cut me off.

"No excuses this time, please." She toned down.

Silence filled the atmosphere between us.

Her voice cracked, "Ate, please, miss na kita."

Her words held so much weight. They clung to my mind like thorns, piercing every corner of my conscience.

I sighed as my eyes began to tear up.

Taimtim akong umiiyak habang pinipigilan ang sarili kong magsalita.

I let the silence fill the line between us.

Habang marahan kong pinapahid ang tila walang katapusang ragasa ng aking mga luha, malinaw na naririnig ko ang bawat paghinga niya—paghingang nagmamakaawa.

"Pagod na ako," I broke down.

Nakakapagod mangarap, pero mas nakakapagod ipagpatuloy ang mga pangarap ngunit tila wala namang bahid ng resulta ang iyong mga sakripisyo.

Hindi ko na mapigilan ang sarili at humagulhol na ako.

For the first time in 15 years, umiyak ako.

Umiiyak ako ngayon hindi dulot ng pag-ibig.

Umiiyak ako ngayon hindi dulot ng pighati.

Umiiyak ako ngayon dulot ng pagkadismaya.

"Ate..." she whispered.

Her voice melted me, and I cried harder than I could have ever imagined.

"Ate, alam ko na strong ka," she uttered, which made me cry even more.

"I don't know, Lani—I don't know where that so-called strength of yours is."

Perhaps, in a strong foundation by view, there lies feebleness.

Nakatitig ako ngayon sa sarili kong repleksyon.

Eyes swollen and red, with messy makeup on my face.

I heave a sigh.

I couldn't recognize myself now after crying so hard.

"I'm a mess now," I utter as I stare upwards, trying to stop my tears from falling again.

Gosh, I must have accumulated so many tears since the beginning.

I heave a sigh and decide to take a shower and wear my casual dress for a dinner with my sister.

Dahil sa kakulitan niya, napa-oo niya ako ng libreng dinner tonight sa isang mamahaling restaurant.

I'm broke as f*ck.

Barya na lang ang meron ako at hindi ko alam kung paano ako makaka-survive sa mga susunod na araw.

Habang nagme-makeup ako, hindi ko maiwasang mapaisip.

How did I end up like this?

Years ago, I was unstoppable.

Mataas ang pangarap ko, at akala ko kayang-kaya kong abutin ang lahat.

But life isn't a straight line, and I learned that the hard way.

I lost clients, my reputation crumbled, and my confidence was shattered.

Ang dating tapang ko, napalitan ng takot at pagdududa sa sarili.

I wonder if this is karma for wanting too much.

Ambisyosa. Mapagmataas. Masyadong nangarap.

Maybe this is what I deserve.

Maybe... I'm meant to fall.

But then, why do I keep getting back up?

Maybe it's because of people like her—those who still care, kahit na ang hirap kong lapitan.

I glanced at my phone again.

"Ate, let me know if nasa venue ka na ha?" she uttered with her usual slow, high-pitched voice.

KASALUKUYAN akong naglalakad pabalik-balik, nanginginig habang pinagpapawisan sa harap ng restaurant.

I am torn between the thought of papasok ba ako or uuwi na lang.

I don't know if I am ready to meet my sister.

In these past few years, I've been living a low-key life while avoiding my friends and family.

I tried my best to avoid my loved ones, not because I wanted to, but because I had no choice.

I don't want them seeing me like this.

I don't want to add to their burdens.

I don't have the courage to show them how unsuccessful I've become.

Nakakahiya.

I hardly closed my eyes and heaved a sigh as I began to turn my back away from the entrance.

But just as I was about to walk away, I bumped into someone and tripped.

I closed my eyes as my mind accepted the fact that, in this situation, I would really end up on the floor.

I waited for a while to feel the impact of my fall, but I felt nothing.

What the f*ck is wrong with me?

Am I paralyzed?

Bright flashes began to steal my closed eyes, and I wondered, nasa heaven na ba ako?

Impossible naman.

I opened my eyes.

I met his fervent stare.

He's staring deep within me as if I am the only one who exists.

I didn't fall as I thought I would.

Instead, he caught me, just like the romantic scenes we see in movies.

I couldn't take my eyes away from him as he held me.

He's more handsome now than he was before.

While staring at each other, my mind took me back to my old memory from elementary days— with him.

Lunch break noon, and as usual, I arrived early to the room while the rest of my classmates enjoyed their lunch.

When I was about to enter the room, my mood lit up as I saw him silently sleeping on his chair, facing mine.

We had adjacent seats, and I carefully walked into the room and sat next to him.

I carefully grabbed my bag and began to write our names.

Then, I wrote FLAMES above our names with a bright smile, stealing glances at his face.

The clicking sounds from the cameras around me and him brought me back to the present.

I instantly stood still with an awkward smile.

He awkwardly smiled too and then left without a word, but before he went inside, he threw me a glance.

Xander...

Does the gaze really say something that words cannot?

I stayed rooted to the ground, still trembling from the brief encounter.

My heartbeat pounded relentlessly against my chest, its rhythm wild and erratic. Parang nagwawala—hindi ko alam kung dahil sa kaba, takot, o isang bagay na mas malalim pa roon.

I didn't expect to see him here.

Of all people... Xander Dakarai Zamora.

The man who had once occupied so much of my world, who I had sworn to forget.

Pero bakit siya nandito? Bakit ngayon pa, sa oras na pinipilit kong buuin muli ang sarili ko?

"Lanxie!" His voice echoed through the night air, calling out my name like it was some kind of lifeline.

I froze. Kahit gusto kong tumakbo nang malayo, parang ipinako ako ng boses niya sa kinatatayuan ko.

But I couldn't turn around.

Couldn't face him.

Not when my emotions were still a tangled mess of disappointment, regret, and a pitiful longing I couldn't suppress.

"Ate?" Lani's text popped up on my phone, her words brimming with curiosity. "Nasa labas ka na ba?"

My fingers shook as I read her message, my throat constricting painfully. Alam ko na hinihintay niya ako. Alam kong excited siya.

Pero bakit ba ang hirap ilapit ng sarili ko sa kanya?

I clutched my phone tightly, my nails digging into the skin of my palm.

Another message.

"Ate, okay ka lang ba? I'm already inside. Dito ako sa right side, near the window."

I glanced through the glass walls, scanning the crowd until I spotted her.

There she was—my little sister, smiling and waving at me like nothing else in the world mattered but me showing up.

She looked good. She looked... happy.

And here I was, standing outside like a coward, too afraid to face her, too ashamed of what I'd become.

"Ano ba, Lanxie? Ba't ba ang hina-hina mo?" I muttered to myself, my voice trembling. "It's just Lani. She's family. Wala ka namang dapat ikatakot."

But my feet wouldn't budge.

Lani's eyes drifted toward the glass wall, searching for me.

Napakagat ako sa labi, hastily ducking out of her line of sight.

Gosh, what was I doing? Parang tanga lang.

I took a deep breath, trying to compose myself. Ang hangin ng gabi ay malamig, ngunit ang bigat sa dibdib ko ay tila lalong umiinit.

Inhale. Exhale.

Pero kahit anong pilit kong kumalma, ramdam ko pa rin ang kabog ng dibdib ko.

My phone rang again. This time, it was Lani's name flashing on the screen.

I stared at it, my thumb hovering over the answer button.

Answer it, Lanxie. For once, act like you have it all together.

But I couldn't do it.

The call ended.

Then another message appeared.

"Ate, na-late ka na. But it's okay, I'll wait."

Guilt swarmed over me, crashing in waves.

Ang daming beses na niyang sinabi ang mga salitang iyon—"I'll wait."

I could picture her sitting at the table, phone clutched in her hands, eyes darting to the entrance every few seconds, hoping I'd walk in.

For years, she'd been waiting.

Waiting for me to finally show up.

Waiting for me to let her back into my life.

Pero palagi ko siyang binibigo.

My vision blurred as tears pooled in my eyes, my breathing growing shallow.

I wiped at my eyes, my fingers trembling.

Why was I so damn scared?

Why did I keep pushing her away?

Kung tutuusin, si Lani na lang ang natitira kong pamilya.

She never judged me for my failures. Hindi siya nagtatanong kung bakit parang wala akong direksyon. She just kept reaching out, hoping I'd eventually reach back.

Pero ang bigat.

Ang bigat ng bawat hakbang.

Maybe I was afraid of her pity.

Or worse—her disappointment.

The thought of her looking at me with pity, or even worse, disgust, was enough to shatter whatever courage I had mustered.

I glanced at the restaurant entrance again. The door kept swinging open and closed as patrons came and went.

Each time, I took a step forward only to retreat.

"Lanxie!"

Xander's voice jolted me out of my thoughts.

Muling bumalik ang kaba ko. Hindi ko alam kung naririnig niya lang ang pangalan ko mula sa ibang tao o talagang nakita niya ako.

Panic swirled in my chest. I turned my back to the restaurant, facing the darkened street instead.

No. I couldn't do this.

Hindi ko kayang harapin siya. Hindi ko kayang harapin si Lani.

My hands trembled as I stuffed my phone into my purse, my breaths coming in shallow gasps.

You're so weak, Lanxie. Pathetic.

Damn it. Bakit ang hirap-hirap?

My fingers itched to dial Lani's number, to finally tell her that I was right outside. That I just needed a moment to gather myself.

But instead, I began walking away.

Each step felt like betrayal.

The cold wind brushed against my skin, its bite harsh and unforgiving.

I wanted to scream. To cry. To break something just to feel something else.

Instead, I kept walking.

Patawad, Lani. Hindi ko kaya.

Ang daming gusto kong sabihin, pero ni isa ay hindi ko kayang bigkasin.

I reached a nearby bench and sank onto it, my shoulders slumping in defeat.

This is who I am now.

A coward who can't even face her own sister.

My phone vibrated again.

Another text. Another piece of Lani's hope.

But I couldn't bring myself to read it.

The weight of my own inadequacy was crushing me, squeezing the life out of whatever courage I once had.

I buried my face in my hands, tears soaking my palms.

I had failed her again.

I had failed myself.

And no amount of apologies could ever make that right.

But sometimes, we just gotta have to accept that at some point, we do failed to meet the expectations of others not because we wanted to but because we're struggling from our internal battles.

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Author's Note:

To my dearest and precious reader, as you read this story, I wholeheartedly wish that you find comfort, solace, and healing in my words, hoping they will build a pure connection between us, my precious, dearest reader.

If you'd like to stay in touch with me or chat about my work, feel free to reach me directly at my crib via cribofharaya@gmail.com. I'd love to hear from you. Hiraya manawari!