HER POV II

"Have you ever experienced being a stranger to yourself?"

Lanxie Amani Gonzales.

I was named after the combination of my parents' names: Lance, my father, and Xiendra, my mother, resulting in Lanxie.

My middle name, Amani, is derived from the Arabic term that means "wishes."

I remember my parents always telling me that I was the fruit of their wishes.

Perhaps, I was.

Kasalukuyan akong nakatulala habang iniisip ang hindi magandang balita na bumungad sa akin kaninang umaga.

"Ipapasara na ang aking opisina." I blew the strands of my hair that were in my face.

Again, for the nth time, I took a deep breath and let my tears flow.

After a while, I heaved a sigh and wiped away my tears.

A memory is still vivid to me— the day when Mang Kanor and I talked about my office.

"Atty., ilang buwan na ang lumipas, hindi ka pa rin nakakapagbayad sa upa." Disappointment was painted on his face.

Wala akong magawa noong mga araw na 'yon kundi ang magmakaawa na bigyan niya pa ako ng isa pang buwan.

"Ba't di ka na lang magsara at piliin na maging counsel secretary sa law firm ng mga Gonzalo? Nang sa gano'n ay mabayaran mo na rin ako," sabi niya, na siyang nakapagpa-inis sa akin.

Gusto ko sanang mag-rebut ngunit napatigil ako nang marinig ko ang mga salitang, "Tanggapin mo na lang kasi Atty. na wala nang bilib sa'yo ngayon." He paused.

I could no longer open my mouth.

It felt like the forces of heaven and earth met in the middle, and I was struck in between— wanting to go but not knowing where.

And I was crushed.

I remained composed, but deep inside, I was shouting, yelling, and a bleeding mess.

Ba't ang dali lang sa kaniyang sabihin iyon?

Funny how other people can lightly say things that are heavy for us to utter.

"Sabihin na natin na Top 1 ka nga sa bar exam noon, pero tingnan mo nga ang situation mo ngayon; ni isa ay wala kang napapanalunan na kaso!"

I bit my tongue to control my emotions that I couldn't explain.

Tama siya.

I'm a f*cking failure.

I couldn't agree more.

I gripped the edge of my desk, closing my eyes for a moment, trying to collect myself. The heat in my chest, the frustration— it was all too much to contain.

At that moment, I wanted to lash out, to let the anger and hurt pour out like a waterfall. But I didn't. Not in front of Mang Kanor.

Instead, I stood there in silence, the weight of his words settling deep in my bones. "Sige lang, bigyan niyo pa ako ng isang buwan. Pagkatapos niyan, ako na mismo ang liligpit sa aking mga gamit at payapang aalis sa pwesto na ito," I told him with a calmness that didn't reflect the storm inside me.

He smirked, "Talaga lang ha."

Before he left, we made an agreement that was notarized by Atty. Villano.

What happened to me?

Once, I had it all— fame, opportunities, respect. People were in awe of me, always talking about how I was going to make a mark in the legal world.

But now, everything felt distant, as if I was looking at a different person entirely.

Am I really a failure?

As the silence of the room enveloped me, I realized that I had been running away from the reality of my situation.

What went wrong?

Was it the pressure I placed on myself? Was it my desire to always prove I could handle everything, to always stand tall in the face of challenges? Or perhaps, it was my inability to accept that not everything can be fixed with sheer willpower.

I felt a pang of regret, not just for the failed cases or the unpaid rent, but for how far I had drifted from the person I used to be.

When did I become so consumed by success that I lost sight of what truly mattered?

I used to be full of passion— so eager to take on the world, so determined to help others. But now? I barely recognized the woman staring back at me in the mirror. My ambition had turned into something cold, something that no longer gave me the joy it once did.

Is this who I am now? Is this who I'll always be?

The questions filled my mind, swirling and crashing together like a storm. But no answers came. Only a deafening silence.

I used to be someone who believed in the power of hard work, the idea that if you put your mind to something, you could achieve anything. But now, I wasn't so sure. My hard work hadn't brought me success; it had only brought me to this point of isolation and uncertainty.

And it wasn't just the office I was losing. It was my sense of self. It was my belief in my abilities. It was my confidence that had been shattered, piece by piece, until there was nothing left but an echo of who I once was.

I stood up, pacing the room, trying to shake off the overwhelming feeling of failure. Maybe this was what I deserved. Maybe this was my punishment for all the times I had ignored my true self in favor of chasing something that wasn't meant for me.

Ngayon ay huling linggo na sa buwan na itinakda sa agreement namin ni Mang Kanor at papalapit na ang mga araw sa itinakdang petsa ng pagpapalayas sa akin dito.

Tears fell from my eyes.

Hindi ko mapigilang muling humagulhol sa isang sulok ng munti kong opisina.

I'm a very sentimental person.

Kaya't ganito na lamang kabigat sa aking dibdib na lisanin ang lugar na ito.

I value this place more than anything else.

This is my first office.

Dito ko sinimulang itaguyod ang aking mga pangarap.

Dito ko unang naranasan ang mga karanasan matapos kong lisanin ang law school at naipasa ang bar exam.

I thought things would gently fall into place after myriads of hard work and sacrifices, but now, I see how those hopes of mine turned out to be the opposite.

I was used to be great.

In fact, I was a consistent honor student from Kindergarten until Senior High School.

I even had numerous distinct awards and graduated as Summa Cum Laude in college.

One take lang din ako sa PhiLSAT (Philippine Law School Admission Test) with a score of 90%.

I nailed the standards of the school and rose beyond expectations.

I graduated as class valedictorian at one of the best law schools in our country, the Philippines School of Law.

I wasted no time right after graduation.

Nag-enroll agad ako sa review center at araw-gabi akong nagsunog ng kilay.

Guess what?

Intelligence with hard work and consistency does pay off.

I topped the bar.

I was hailed as Top 1 sa batch naming examinees.

Of course, I was quite popular at that time since I achieved a score of 98.99%, the highest score ever in the history of our country's bar exam.

I became popular overnight.

I became the talk of the town.

I was invited as a guest to different events across the country, and I loved it.

I never declined any invitation and met the most influential people in various industries.

It was cloud nine.

For the first time, I felt the chains falling from my veins.

Freedom.

Hindi agad ako nag-take ng lawyer's oath because I prioritized the guestings offered to me.

Hell, I believed I deserved that.

I was finally getting the recognition I had worked so hard for. People admired me, they respected me, and I felt on top of the world.

But behind that cloud nine was an overwhelming pressure that I didn't quite understand at first.

Kasi nga, who wouldn't feel pressure after achieving what seemed like the peak of success?

I mean, after all those years of studying and sacrificing, I thought I deserved a rest.

It is significant to uncage yourself sometimes.

Nagliwaliw ako.

I embraced the opportunities that came along during my resting journey.

I really enjoyed it, or so I thought.

While I was at the zenith of ecstasy, I woke up realizing that my world was falling apart.

I was at the focal point of falling apart.

While surrounded by numerous people, I felt helpless.

I was a resplendent soul in the crowd, yet deserted and helpless.

While the world recognized me, I began to see myself as a stranger.

The world recognized me, but I no longer knew who I was.

Behind that cloud nine was an overwhelming pressure that I didn't quite understand at first.

But the real truth is, the higher you go, the harder you fall.

And I did.

I fell.

Hard.

I can still remember how proud I was when I first opened the door to this office. It was a space all my own. My sanctuary.

I had big dreams for this place.

It was supposed to be the place where I would build my career, where I would continue making a name for myself.

But as I sit here now, with tears streaming down my face, I realize how naive I was.

Reality is harsher than ambition.

It's a strange feeling— knowing that something you worked so hard for is slipping through your fingers.

Minsan ko lang naramdaman na ganoon pala kabigat ang mga pangarap ko. Akala ko nung una, ang lahat ng pagod ko ay magiging worth it— pero ang mga sakripisyo ko, ang mga pagkatalo, at ang mga pagkakamali ko, hindi ko akalain na magdadala pala ng ganitong epekto.

I thought that my success was a result of hard work and dedication, but the truth is, the real test came when everything started to crumble.

I sit in the corner of my office now, the space that once felt so full of potential, feeling the weight of my past decisions.

Saan ako nagkamali?

Was it when I chose fame over my passion? Was it when I believed that the more people knew my name, the more fulfilled I'd be? Was it when I neglected the most important thing— my love for law and helping others?

I wipe my tears, but they keep coming. This wasn't supposed to be the way my story ended. This wasn't supposed to be the end of the road?

I can still hear Mang Kanor's words echoing in my mind, "Tanggapin mo na lang kasi Atty. na wala nang bilib sa'yo ngayon." His words sting, and no matter how much I want to deny it, part of me knows they're true.

Wala nang naniniwala sa'kin.

I've lost everything that once mattered to me— my office, my career, my sense of self.

I've been here before.

Not physically, but emotionally. My life always seems to follow the same pattern. I climb, I fall, and then I climb again— this never-ending cycle of defeat and recovery. It's exhausting, yet somehow, I keep going. Why? Because I have no other choice.

I always thought that if I worked hard enough, if I sacrificed enough, I could rise above it all. I was convinced that success was just a matter of determination and persistence. And for a time, it felt like I was on top of the world.

I had achieved everything I set out to do. I passed the bar exam with the highest score, became a celebrated topnotcher, and even got my own office. It was everything I dreamed of.

But here I am, sitting in the same office that's now on the brink of being taken away from me, wondering where everything went wrong.

Ang pinakamahirap na bahagi ng buhay ko ay hindi ang pagkatalo, kundi ang paghahanap muli ng sarili ko sa kabila ng lahat ng pagkatalo.

How can I move forward when I don't even know who I am anymore?

When I first opened this office, I was filled with so much hope. I had no doubt that I could make a difference. I worked day and night to make sure that my dream of building a successful law practice would come to life. But somewhere along the way, I got lost.

I thought that success meant everything. That being recognized would make me happy. But in the end, it only made me feel more empty.

Hindi ko na alam kung bakit ako nagkakaganito.

Was it because I focused too much on external validation? I thought the invitations to events, the media attention, and the praise were enough to fill me. But they weren't. They only made me realize how hollow I had become.

It's strange, really, how the universe works. We try so hard to control our lives, but in the end, it's the universe that decides our fate. And it doesn't always give us what we want.

I look out the window of my office, the last time I'll probably be here for a long while, and feel a sense of peace wash over me.

I don't know what the future holds, but I know I have the strength to rebuild.

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Author's Note:

To my dearest and precious reader, as you read this story, I wholeheartedly wish that you find comfort, solace, and healing in my words, hoping they will build a pure connection between us, my precious, dearest reader.

If you'd like to stay in touch with me or chat about my work, feel free to reach me directly at my crib via cribofharaya@gmail.com. I'd love to hear from you. Hiraya manawari!