HER POV I

"Are memories worth keeping?"

FRIENDS.

They are those circles of people that mostly fill the memories of your elementary days.

Well, at least, almost for everyone— but not in my case.

I was always an outcast in every circle of friends.

'Yong tipong kasama ka naman sa circle pero hindi mo ramdam na belong ka.

'Yong tipong kakaibiganin ka lang kapag mapapakinabangan ka, pero kapag wala ka nang silbi, iiwan ka na nila sa ere.

People love to be with someone they can gain benefits from.

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't my choice to be an outcast in every circle of friends, but what could I do?

As if I had a choice.

Sa katunayan, consistent ako noon sa paghahanap ng kaibigan, at kahit papaano, nagkakaroon naman ako ng kaibigan, ngunit hindi nga lang nagtatagal ang friendship.

Then afterward, maghahanap naman ulit ako ng panibagong kakilala.

It was pretty easy to makipagkaibigan, but in terms of keeping the friendship?

No comment.

I was constantly asking myself before kung bakit walang nagtatagal na kaibigan sa akin.

May mali ba sa akin?

May nagawa ba akong hindi maganda, that's why they stopped being friends with me?

May kulang ba ako?

Saan ako nagkulang o nagkamali?

There were lots of questions pestering my elementary life back then.

It was later in life that I realized na wala pala akong sapat na means to level up myself to their standards.

What I mean by that is...

Money.

During my early years, I was studying at a very prestigious school, and the expenses for my studies there consumed 75% of my Dad's monthly income.

Kung tutuusin, hindi naman kami mahirap by public societal standards, pero for those deep-pocketed people, we were.

In my school, there were kids whose parents owned huge businesses, the kind that could provide them with anything they wanted. Some were even traveling abroad for vacations every other month.

Me? I was lucky if I got a new pair of shoes every year. Not that I minded. I mean, what could I do? But it was clear as day that I didn't belong in their world.

Yet despite the treatments I experienced in every circle I tried to join, I was still desperate to have a friend— at least kahit isa lang.

Disappointment consumed me every time I tried to connect with those kinds of people na obvious naman na I was out of their league.

Kahit magpakitang-gilas pa ako at maging accommodating sa kanila, never ko maramdaman na tanggap ako. Alam ko sa sarili ko na they only wanted me around because of what I could offer at that time— whether it be my assistance in schoolwork or my willingness to hang out whenever they needed someone to tag along. But when the time came that they didn't need me anymore, I'd be left behind, wondering if I had ever really meant anything to them.

I couldn't help but feel left out. Bakit ganun? Bakit kahit anong gawin ko, laging may distance? Why couldn't they accept me for who I was?

Tanda ko pa noon, there was this one girl, Clarisse, who always made me feel that I was an outsider. Minsan pa nga, para akong hindi nila naririnig kapag nagsasalita ako. I could see it in their eyes— parang they were only humoring me, nodding just to avoid making things awkward, but I knew deep inside, they didn't care.

I remember trying so hard just to fit in, to laugh at the jokes they found funny, and to follow their trends. I even tried to wear the same brand of shoes they wore, pero lagi kong naiisip, would it even matter? Was I just wasting my time?

But the saddest part was how they didn't even have the decency to tell me why they slowly drifted away. Alam ko na they found someone new. Someone who had more to offer— whether it was in the form of connections, money, or just simply fitting into their idea of "cool."

Pero sa kabila ng lahat ng ito, never ko tinigilan ang makipagkaibigan.

Having a best friend was my ideal kind of friendship.

Because I didn't have one.

Hindi ko alam kung saan nagsimula 'yong idea na maging may isang tao na magiging best friend ko— 'yong tipong you have someone you can always count on, na hindi ka iiwan kahit anong mangyari.

Siguro, dahil na rin siguro sa mga pelikula at TV shows na laging may nakikita akong best friend pairing— twin souls, I guess. I wanted that. I craved that kind of deep connection.

But no matter how hard I tried, no matter how many times I thought I had finally found someone I could call a real friend, it always ended in disappointment. Bawat friendship na akala ko tumatagal, nauurong lang sa huli. They would always find someone better. Someone who could offer more than what I had. And I— well, I was just me.

It was heartbreaking. Ang sakit sa puso. Gusto ko lang naman makahanap ng isang kaibigan na tatanggap sa akin, na hindi ako iiwan kapag naging mahirap na.

Sometimes, I would daydream. Sana, sana may isang tao na maghahanap sa'kin, hindi dahil sa kailangan nila ako, kundi dahil gusto nila akong makasama. Gusto nila akong kilalanin. Gusto nila akong pahalagahan sa kung anong klaseng tao ako, hindi sa kung anong meron ako o hindi ko meron.

I guess that was the hardest part— to want to be valued for who I am, not just for the things I could do for them.

Every time I saw a group of friends laughing together, with that natural closeness, I couldn't help but wonder— will I ever have that? Will I ever have someone who would just stay?

But one thing I knew for sure— I wouldn't stop trying.

I wouldn't stop believing that someday, I'd find someone who'd finally stay, not because they needed me to be someone else, but because they wanted me just as I am.

At least, I hoped for that.

May nagsabi sa akin before na kaya tayo may ideals sa buhay dahil those are the things we never had but wish we did, or the other way around— we had it once but lost it, and we wish to have it again.

Nonetheless, I admit that when it came to building friendships, I probably belonged to the controversial type.

But one thing I'm proud of is maaga kong natutunan ang resiliency.

That's why when I entered high school, after some adjustments, natupad ko ang ideal ko na magkaroon ng kahit isang best friend, and that was Savannah.

No, not that "Savanna" you commonly hear about— the geographical feature typically seen in tropical regions.

She's a person named "Savannah Aria Ramos."

According to her, she was named after that geographical feature because her mom liked how it sounded.

Weird, but no offense, most of the time our parents name us because they like how it sounds.

Some children enjoy the luxury of having names na pinag-isipan talaga.

For instance, may mga pangalan na combination ng pangalan ng parents nila, some are named after their parents' idols, others after their grandparents, and so on.

However, in my case, I was lucky enough to enjoy the luxury of having a name that's a combination of my parents' names.

Well, sometimes life starts with luck.

I heave a sigh.

But life wasn't always as easy as it seemed. Despite the name I had, despite the good fortune that others saw in me, I was still that person who had trouble fitting in.

I didn't know it then, but it took meeting someone like Savannah to realize how much I'd been lacking in my life— how much I'd been longing for a friendship like the one she offered.

Si Savannah, kung tutuusin, was everything I thought I needed. She was confident, outgoing, and smart— everything I admired but felt I could never quite be.

I guess, in a way, I had always been the type to observe people rather than jump in and participate. Laging nasa labas lang ako, hindi makapasok sa circle, hindi fully included. It's like I was watching everyone else from the outside, waiting for the right moment to fit in.

And then Savannah came along.

She didn't care that I was shy or reserved. She didn't care about any of that. She saw something in me that I didn't see in myself.

Minsan, naiisip ko kung paano ko siya na-attract as a friend. Maybe it was because I didn't try so hard to be someone I wasn't. I wasn't pretending. I wasn't pushing myself to fit into a mold. I was just... me.

And that was enough.

She was different from everyone I had met before. Savannah didn't care about the usual high school popularity games. Hindi siya tulad ng ibang mga kabataan na gustong makuha ang atensyon ng lahat. She was content with her circle, with the people she trusted.

At first, I thought maybe it was a fluke. Maybe it was just her being nice, maybe it wouldn't last. I had no experience in holding onto friendships, after all. Baka magiging tulad lang din ito ng mga naunang kaibigan ko— maglalaho lang kapag natapos ang kwento.

But that didn't happen. Savannah stuck around.

It was weird at first, really. I didn't know what to do with myself. I wasn't used to being treated the way she treated me. She always made me feel that I was worth her time, that I mattered to her, and it was so new to me. Para bang suddenly, I found myself in the kind of friendship I had only dreamed of before.

And then it hit me: This is what I had been waiting for all my life.

Savannah was not just a friend— she was my best friend. My partner in crime. We laughed at the same dumb jokes, supported each other in every class project, and spent countless hours just talking about anything and everything. Her presence felt like a breath of fresh air, a reminder that I could be accepted for who I was, not for what others expected me to be.

I realized that all the times I spent trying to fit into other people's standards, all the friends I lost, they were just part of the journey that led me to Savannah. Without those experiences, I wouldn't have known how special she was. I wouldn't have recognized the value of a friendship built on trust, mutual respect, and understanding.

And slowly, I began to see the truth in the things I had heard before about friendships— sometimes, we find what we need when we least expect it. Sometimes, the best friendships come in unexpected packages.

I used to wonder if I could ever have the kind of friendship I saw in movies or read about in books. And now I realize, maybe I've had it all along. Maybe it's just a matter of seeing the right person, at the right time, in the right light.

At the end of the day, it wasn't just about the friendship itself— it was about the journey it took to get there.

And looking back, I wouldn't change a thing.

Patapos na ang araw, and to my left, I can see the beautiful image of the setting sun.

Ngunit hindi ako nakatingin doon. My eyes were fixed on the large letters displayed on a tall building: "ACADEMIA DE EXCELENCIA."

My second home.

The home that fostered my dreams to their fullest extent.

The home that contributed to who I am.

The home that once shaped me, both with positive and negative vibes.

Aminin na natin— there are always two sides to a coin: the pro and con, and in every home, in every situation, in every condition, they exist.

My life here at this prestigious school was a blend of both pros and cons.

Tamang timpla.

It doesn't matter kung alin ang mas lamang— whether it was the bad or good days, as they call them.

I had a pretty rough life here, to the point where, at a very young age, I already experienced the core of self-pity.

I was once a child so attached to the idea that happiness comes from external validation.

I remember the countless times I stayed up late, forcing myself to finish assignments in hopes of earning approval, of hearing the praise that would fill the void inside me. Parang isang labirint, at bawat turn ko ay nagdadala sa akin ng ibang klase ng disillusionment.

However, despite the number of negative experiences I had, I couldn't deny the spark of positive experiences that fueled my excitement to go to school every day.

I wasn't an outstanding student, but I was a learner eager to feed my brain with newfangled information.

I wasn't the top student in my class, but I always received honors at the end of every school year.

But no matter how many awards or certificates I received, there was still this emptiness inside me, as if I was missing something— or someone.

With those blends of negative and positive experiences, I bled and shone, cried and laughed, experienced pain and love, learned and grew.

Which is the essence of life— balance.

At the same time, I'm grateful that I'm back here now because if I returned earlier, I might have still been the bitter version of myself.

Perhaps I would have caused a scene at the gate and thrown school property around.

Lawless attorney.

I laughed at the thought, the idea of me being so reckless in the past. How naive I had been, thinking that I could just keep throwing tantrums to make the world bow down to me. But that was the old me. The one who had not yet learned how to handle rejection, how to deal with being left out.

Now, I had come back a little wiser, a little more composed.

And just as I was lost in those thoughts, I heard it.

"I'm surprised to see you here."

My breath quickened, and I was taken aback when I heard the voice that had long been etched in my soul.

The voice that once again awakened my quiet heart.

As far as I remember, his voice used to be high-pitched, but now it had a deep, husky tone.

His voice may have changed, but not his manner of speaking.

I didn't hesitate to turn towards the voice's source.

As I turned, an inexplicable pounding echoed in my chest.

I couldn't speak as I took in the sight of him.

I just couldn't find the words good enough to describe him and the feelings rushing through me as I looked at him.

The kid I used to hear being teased by our taller male classmates, now stood tall with a striking presence.

The once skinny boy had transformed into a hunk.

The cute kid had become an angelic fine man.

Time flies.

I've lost count of the years since I last saw him.

Though he has changed significantly, the sparkle in his eyes remains the same.

Those eyes, those shiny, glimmering hazel almond eyes remain the same—

The eyes that captured my soul back then.

For a moment, I felt like I was paralyzed, as if the years had frozen in that one second when I locked eyes with him. How long had it been since I last saw him? Three years? Four? I couldn't remember exactly, but time had been cruel in the way it had forced us apart. We used to be so close. Once, he was everything to me, my reason for waking up each day, the person I thought would never fade from my life.

And now, here he was— standing right in front of me, and yet, it felt like we were strangers.

The setting sun's rays hit his face, accentuating his handsome features.

He weaved a smile.

I couldn't help but stare at him, my mind going blank.

He was in front of me, but I was lost while staring at him.

It was as if the world had faded away, and it was just him and me, suspended in that moment of nostalgia, of yearning, of confusion.

He opened his mouth, but I couldn't hear what he was saying.

Was he saying my name? Was he asking how I had been? The words seemed to fall into a void. I just couldn't hear anything except the thumping of my heart, so loud in my ears, drowning everything else out.

"It's been a while," he said, his voice soft but steady, and for the first time in years, I heard it clearly.

He paused and looked straight into my eyes.

I couldn't speak. I just kept staring at him, unaware of how much time had passed.

I felt frozen in time, like I was stuck in a loop of memories, flashes of the old us rushing back in waves— his smile, his laugh, the way he used to protect me from the world when I couldn't protect myself.

He smiled again, and after some time, realizing I was only going to keep staring, he slowly drifted away into the distance.

But before he completely left, he whispered something that turned my world upside down.

"Espero verte de nuevo, mi amor."

The words hung in the air like a delicate thread, pulling me back to a place I thought I had long since buried.

His voice, his words— they echoed in my mind, a haunting reminder of everything I had lost and everything I had once hoped for.

I stood there for a moment, rooted to the ground, unable to move.

Did he mean it? Was he just being kind, or was there something more? My heart raced, and in that instant, I realized that maybe, just maybe, some things never really change.

I had come here today to reflect, to finally confront the ghosts of my past. And now, with his words hanging in the air, I knew that I was going to have to confront this ghost too.

As the sun disappeared completely, leaving only a faint glow in the sky, I couldn't help but wonder:

Was this the beginning of something new? Or was this just another chapter of an unfinished story?

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Author's Note:

To my dearest and precious reader, as you read this story, I wholeheartedly wish that you find comfort, solace, and healing in my words, hoping they will build a pure connection between us, my precious, dearest reader.

If you'd like to stay in touch with me or chat about my work, feel free to reach me directly at my crib via cribofharaya@gmail.com. I'd love to hear from you. Hiraya manawari!