HER POV VIII

"Sometimes, all we need is one person who accepts us."

AFTER crying for a while, I allowed myself to sit in a corner and reflect on being me.

I wonder, how many feelings have I suppressed?

How many unwanted memories have I chosen to forget?

How many times have I lied to myself?

How many times have I gaslighted myself?

How many times have I rejected myself?

Indeed, surviving is hard.

It's like walking on a thin thread, not knowing when it will break.

It's up to you whether you hold on or let go.

Kasalukuyan akong nakahiga sa sahig.

I was exhausted from crying non-stop, and now I'm just staring into nothingness, unsure where my mind is wandering.

"Anong gagawin ko?" I asked myself in frustration.

Finding out what to do or where to place yourself in life is hard.

It's like traversing an unknown horizon.

Trapped in a maze, searching for a way out.

Parang lagi akong naglalakad sa isang madilim na silid. Hindi ko makita ang pinto, kahit pa anong pilit kong hanapin. I've been so lost for so long. Kaya kahit anong pilit kong magpatuloy, pakiramdam ko ay paikot-ikot lang ako.

It's like a never-ending cycle of pain and confusion. At minsan, gusto ko nang sumuko.

Pero anong saysay ng pagsuko kung wala namang nagmamalasakit?

Kahit kailan, wala namang nakinig sa akin. Wala namang nagtanong kung okay lang ba ako. Wala namang nagtanong kung masaya ba ako sa buhay ko.

Kaya kahit gusto ko nang bumitaw, may parte pa rin sa akin na nagpupumilit lumaban.

I turned on the TV, hoping to catch up on some news. Matagal-tagal na rin akong hindi nakakasubaybay sa mga nangyayari sa bansa.

"Tss, walang kwentang chismis na naman tungkol sa buhay ng mga artista," I muttered.

Like seriously? When will the news in the Philippines ever make sense?

Hello? There are so many pressing issues that the media should focus on—like inflation, jeepney phaseout, the never-ending traffic, etc.

Ang daming nangyayari ngayon sa Pilipinas at sa buong mundo, pero mas pinipili pa rin nilang pag-usapan ang buhay ng mga celebrity.

Nakakatulong ba ang buhay ng mga artista sa mga problema ng bansa?

When did discussing celebrity lives ever solve the problems of the Philippines?

"Tang-ina naman!" I angrily exclaimed, shoving a handful of Dingdong chips in my mouth as I changed the channel.

"DAKARAI, DETAINED NGAYON NANG PULISYA!"

My world literally stopped from the moment I heard the headline.

What the fuck?

I felt like I went deaf as I stared at the screen in disbelief.

"DETAINED ANG CELEBRITY STAR NA SI XANDER DAKARAI ZAMORA DAHIL SA KASONG ATTEMPTED R*PE."

My knees gave way, and I fell to the ground.

"ANG KA-LOVE TEAM NI DAKARAI NA SI PERSEPHONE ANDRES ANG SUMAMPA SA KASONG KINAKAHARAP NGAYON NG AKTOR."

As the news tore my world apart, my mind began to drift into the past.

Magkasabay, magkatabi, at halos magkahawak-kamay ang samahan namin noon ni Xander Dakarai.

He was a sweet soul, but cold like ice when it came to me.

Pero hindi naman talaga siya cold.

Madalas lang talaga siyang snob sa akin.

He was the type to keep his own world, rarely letting anyone, especially me, in.

But even though he was distant, there was one instance where we clashed:

"Lanx, here's my card. Go on, buy it," Persephone threw her card in my face, and it fell to the ground.

I bent down to pick it up, turning away quickly while their laughter echoed in my ears.

Dianne Persephone Andres.

She was the daughter of a multi-millionaire and my so-called ultimate friend.

I used to think she was my friend, that her bullying was normal.

I failed to realize that you can never be friends with your bully.

Persephone was a popular kid in school.

She was the type of classmate who always sat in front, surrounded by her "bubuyogs."

Idol na idol ko siya dati because of her influence, but now, looking back, she's just like dirt with flies hovering around her.

Persephone is the embodiment of influence.

"Tanga ka ba or nagtatanga-tangahan?" Dakarai's voice startled me.

Ang sarap pakinggan ng boses niya.

"Lanxie, I'm talking to you."

"Bakit ba?" I replied, pretending to be annoyed.

"You're starting to look like a servant, always trailing behind Persephone. Why do you do that?"

His words hit me hard, and even now, I can't forget them.

Instead of pondering what he said, I defended Persephone in front of him.

"Don't you have a life, Dakarai? Ang kapal ng mukha mong makialam sa buhay ko."

He stared at me in silence.

"Friend ko si Persephone, hindi siya bull—"

"Really, Lanxie?" Persephone suddenly butted in, cutting me off.

I looked at her, and her face was full of mockery.

For the first time, I felt an anger so intense that it boiled inside me.

"You're not my friend, Lanxie," she said, throwing a tissue at me.

I was slapped with the truth.

Her eyes landed on my hand, "Are you trying to steal my card? Omg, guards!" she cried dramatically.

Before I could react, the guards rushed toward me and dragged me out of the cafeteria.

"No, Lanxie didn't steal anything!" I heard Dakarai yell.

"She deserved that," Persephone laughed hysterically.

I trusted her.

But she betrayed me.

I defended her.

But she condemned me.

I could hear nothing but my own cries of agony.

I could see nothing but my tears of disappointment.

I was detained in the guidance office, and while the counselor kept talking, my mind wandered deep into sadness.

Why do we trust too much?

Why do we believe in people who only see us as disposable?

Bakit ko ba pinilit ipaglaban ang isang tao na walang ginawa kundi ipahiya ako?

The memory felt fresh, as if it had just happened yesterday. It tore at my chest, leaving a wound that never fully healed.

Pero ang masakit pa, si Dakarai mismo ang naging saksi sa kahihiyan ko.

Naalala ko pa kung paano siya napatitig sa akin habang nilalayo ako ng mga guards. His expression was a mix of disbelief and frustration.

Frustration na para bang ako ang mali. Na ako ang tanga.

Ang sakit.

Pero sino ba ang dapat kong sisihin?

Si Persephone?

O ang sarili ko na nagtiwala sa kanya?

I remember sitting in the guidance office, trembling. The counselor's voice was nothing but a distant buzz. I couldn't focus. Hindi ko ma-absorb ang mga sinasabi niya.

Ang nasa isip ko lang noon ay kung paano ako pinaglaruan ni Persephone.

Pinagtawanan. Pinahiya.

I was naive to think we were friends. Napaka-tanga ko.

Doon ko na-realize na hindi ko dapat ipilit ang sarili ko sa mga taong hindi ako kayang tanggapin.

Pero kahit alam ko na iyon, pilit pa rin akong bumabalik. Umaasa pa rin ako na baka, sakali, ma-accept din nila ako balang araw.

Kasi sa school namin, si Persephone ang reyna. Lahat ng tao umiikot sa kanya.

And I wanted to be a part of that world.

But the truth was… I never belonged.

At si Dakarai… he was part of that world, too.

Even if he was distant, he belonged to their world— a world of privilege and power.

But despite the cruelty I experienced, I held on to the memory of Dakarai defending me, kahit saglit lang iyon.

"No, Lanxie didn't steal anything!"

His voice had been loud. Firm. For a moment, I saw him as a hero.

Pero hindi iyon sapat.

He didn't chase after me. He didn't even try to check if I was okay.

Bumalik siya sa pwesto niya. Nagpatuloy siya sa mundo niya.

Habang ako, naiwan sa madilim na silid ng kahihiyan.

Minsan naiisip ko, bakit ako ang laging dehado?

Bakit ako ang laging talunan?

The feeling of being unwanted, rejected, and humiliated— it clung to me like a shadow.

And no matter how much I tried to push it away, it would always find its way back.

After that incident, I stopped talking to Dakarai. I avoided him at all costs.

Hindi ko alam kung napansin niya iyon. Pero kahit saang sulok ako magtago, lagi ko pa rin siyang nakikita.

Minsan sa hallway. Minsan sa library. Minsan sa cafeteria.

At kapag nagtatagpo ang mga mata namin, there was something in his gaze.

Regret? Curiosity? Pity?

Hindi ko alam.

But whatever it was, it wasn't enough for him to approach me.

Walang sorry. Walang paliwanag. Wala.

And that silence… that goddamn silence…

It haunted me.

Years passed.

Pero kahit anong pilit kong kalimutan ang nakaraan, bumabalik pa rin lahat.

Especially now. Especially dahil siya ang nasa balita.

"DAKARAI, DETAINED NGAYON NANG PULISYA!"

Paulit-ulit na nag-echo ang balita sa isip ko.

Hindi ko alam kung dapat ko bang maramdaman ang awa o galit.

Naaalala ko pa ang bawat salita. Ang bawat eksena. Ang bawat pangungutya.

I've spent years convincing myself that I've moved on from the pain. Pero bakit ganoon? Bakit biglang bumabalik lahat ng alaala ngayon?

Maybe because a part of me never really let go.

Maybe because I was still holding on to that tiny sliver of hope na baka may paliwanag pa.

Na baka mali lang ako ng pagkakaintindi.

Pero ngayon, lahat ng iyon ay tila napako na sa isang katotohanan— Dakarai Zamora is accused of something horrible.

Attempted r*pe.

Attempted r*pe.

I repeated the words to myself, hoping that by saying it over and over, the shock would eventually wear off.

Pero hindi.

Hindi ko matanggap.

Dakarai may have been cold, distant, and sometimes an asshole… but r*pe? It didn't seem like something he was capable of.

Or am I just blinded by the remnants of my childish crush?

Am I just fooling myself all over again?

Nagkamali na ako noon. Hindi ba't posible ring nagkakamali ako ngayon?

Pero bakit? Bakit ako naapektuhan?

He's just a part of my past. Matagal na dapat akong naka-move on.

Pero sa bawat balitang naririnig ko, sa bawat pangalang binibigkas ng mga reporter, ang puso ko ay kumakabog.

Why do I still care?

Why do I still feel this way?

Was it because I never got the closure I needed?

Or was it because deep down, I was still waiting for him to reach out to me?

It's pathetic. I'm pathetic.

Pero kahit ilang beses kong ulitin iyon sa sarili ko, hindi ko maitatanggi na may parte pa rin sa akin na nagmamahal sa kanya.

The boy who stood up for me once. The boy who made me believe I was worth defending.

The boy who left me without saying goodbye.

At ngayon, he's trapped in a scandal so dark, so twisted… and I'm here, helpless and broken all over again.

My fingers trembled as I reached for my phone. I wanted to search for more news, to know every single detail. But I was scared.

Scared of what I might find. Scared of the truth.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

Why am I letting him affect me this much?

Why am I still clinging to a past that never even made me happy?

Pero kahit anong pilit kong takasan ang mga alaala, hindi ko magawa.

Because sometimes, all we need is one person who accepts us.

Because sometimes, the hardest person to accept is yourself.

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Author's Note:

To my dearest and precious reader, as you read this story, I wholeheartedly wish that you find comfort, solace, and healing in my words, hoping they will build a pure connection between us, my precious, dearest reader.

If you'd like to stay in touch with me or chat about my work, feel free to reach me directly at my crib via cribofharaya@gmail.com. I'd love to hear from you. Hiraya manawari!