Chapter Sixty Two

I wanted to go to his house, but I couldn't. What would I say? That he saw a mistake? Or…

I felt ashamed and there was no way I was going to be able to look on his face again. I felt guilty, I felt dirty and empty. Not only that, but I found my only comfort in sucking up the salty tears from my cheek. I finally made up my mind where to go, the church. I need to pray… To God. I walked into the empty church, a black tunic scarf around my hair and neck. The rain began while I was driving. I usually have them in my car, for situations like this. I knelt by the altar, my bible in hand, and cried.

"Dear Lord

I'm sorry.

I did something awful. 

Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou might be justified when thou speak, and be clear when thou judge. 

I'm so scared…

It's a sin yet I stayed. I enjoyed…

No.

I'm sorry….

Please forgive me, Lord.

My life, everything about me… I need you now more than ever. And I'm scared of your judgement."

I cried.

"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. I promise I would not make out with a girl again. Nor a man…"

I paused at that. Why does this look strange to me? I have sex with my dad every single day of my life. Gush! Do I even have God? Can He hear me? I'm so polluted. Damien said once that it doesn't matter. I don't know what to believe. But I play in a church band! Do I work for God with a corrupt heart?! I can't stop Jude's assault. What the hell am I doing here?!

"Wait. I'm confused and…

If You can hear me. I apologize for the issue with Ria. But I don't know how to stop my dad. You see everything and you see that too. I'd be glad if you help me. 

Thank you, Lord. Amen."

I stood up and wiped my tears. My eyes were swollen in tears. The rain had already started, I didn't want to go back home. I tried to keep my sorrows behind me and went to school. All I needed to do was to focus on something, then I might get over my pain for a while before thinking of what to do next.

*

I could not sleep that night, no matter how I tried, so I didn't bother driving back home after school.

I felt lost and empty, like I've lost Damien once again, and I needed to see him. I drove aimlessly about the highways for hours before finally making up my mind to visit him, no matter how late.

His main gate was locked. He wasn't home. I check the time, few minutes to midnight. Where could he be?

The few weeks we have spent together had been the best weeks of my life. Ria almost guessed that I was seeing someone. And now, I've made the worst mistake ever by ruining it. I tried his mobile number, but it was not reachable. I cried in my car. The rain had already started again, and I just couldn't go back home without seeing him, so I went back to the church. Hoping I'll find a safe place to drown myself in music, until morning. I deserved more punishments. I also could not imagine myself facing Ria again after what happened.

As I walked into of the church, I noticed a figure at the altar. The person, whoever it was, seemed to be knelt down in prayer. I didn't think he would be a disturbance to the peace I sought. 

As I moved further into the church, I cursed my weighed boots for making so much noise. Soon the person at the altar seemed to have noticed me. He stood up and faced me. And I…

My heart stopped.

It was…

It was Damien.

A bolt went loose in my stomach, I stopped moving. I could see from afar, he seemed to have noticed me too, he ran his hands through his hair in frustration or sadness and packed it. What is he doing here?...

Not the right question.

Why do we have to meet here, at midnight? Fate?

No, he's surely mad at me. I can't do this. I don't even know what to say to him.

I turned back to the door. I heard footsteps behind me, then his voice.

"Paige, we need to talk!" He yelled.

No escape route, but I kept moving.

"It's raining and it's too late. We should talk."

I finally picked up enough courage to stop and face him. He was just a few distances away from me.

"I'll take you to my house. Will you?"

I nodded.

I followed him out of the church. Locked my car, while allowing the tears to roll down my cheek. I believed the rain would hide it.

He opened the front door and I entered. I tried to read his expressions, but couldn't. I was dumb. I was grateful for the scarf, it hid my face a little. I didn't want to think of Damien or how he would think. But with him by my side, unusually silent, I could not help it.

*

"I'm… sorry." I murmured as I walked into his house. He picked a remote, punched some keys harshly and dropped it. He placed around the hall for a while and packed his hair.

"It's really not what you think. I know I should…"

"That was an…!" He interrupted me, for the first time. I could tell he was mad. Damien doesn't interrupt me. I expected him to be more angry,, though. I just didn't know how to start explaining.

"I'm sorry, Damien."

"Don't apologize. You didn't offend me." He finally spoke without breaking words. "I just don't know what to think! You should have told me!"

"Told you what?!" I said. "I am not a lesbian. She forced me!"

He glared at me and I understood him. I was kissing her back, he saw that. Gush! How else can I explain?!

She didn't force me.

"I can explain. Can we at least sit? You're tensing me up."

He sat on the couch opposite me. Courage, Lord, divine Courage.

"I'm not a lesbian, Damien. Please believe me. That was… Just a kiss. It wasn't our first, but… It was our second." I swallowed. How much I sounded like the slut I was. I really do not deserve Damien.

" Oh my… I feel so much like a slut now. First, you got to know about my dad, and now you think I see girls too." I cried. " I have never indulged in that before. I never intended to. She started it. You should know Ria. "I paused. "I'm not blaming her anyway. The two of us… It was a mistake and…"

Oh my God!

He was quiet, head buried in his palm.

Gush! He's killing me 

"Okay, I'll start again. Some weeks before I finally found out you were not Henry. Ria asked me for a kiss. This might sound stupid, but that's the only way I can explain it. She said she wanted to know what it felt like. I, too, was curious. And We kissed. Then today, Kim came to the house, we had a little argument. She said she wanted to make out with me. I tried to stop her…"

He's my best friend. He was, he still is, that's why I'm so comfortable saying all these awkward things to him. But his silence would surely be the death of me

I was dying to hear from him.

"Aren't you going to say anything?."

He left the living room, leaving me to my folly. My body shook in cold while I tried not to soak his chair. I packed my wet hair and told my little self not to cry.