Chapter 3: Virgin’s Assault

Sakura returned ten minutes later with a map and a grim expression. 

"The palace is half an hour away. And... we have a problem." 

"What kind of problem?" Ayame frowned. 

"The shogun has put a bounty on the head of the 'Capital Destroyer.'" 

Everyone looked at Hikaru. 

"Oops." 

"Yeah, 'oops,'" Sakura replied sarcastically. "Now every mercenary in the city is after you." 

Hikaru thought for a moment. 

"Maybe I should just teleport to the palace?" 

"NO." 

"But—" 

"FOR THE LAST TIME—NO. Remember what happened when you teleported into the women's bathhouse?" 

"That was an accident!" 

"And when you teleported into the barn?" 

"..." 

"And the blacksmith's shop?" 

"Okay, okay, I get it." 

Ayame crossed her arms. 

"Then here's the plan: we go quietly, don't provoke anyone, and no teleporting—" 

At that moment, five heavily armed mercenaries stepped out of an alley. 

"THAT'S HIM!" roared the largest one. "A HUNDRED THOUSAND COINS ARE OURS!" 

Hikaru sighed. 

"Can I just—" 

"NO," the girls chorused. 

"But—" 

"NO 'FIREBALL.'" 

"NO 'EARTHQUAKE.'" 

"NO 'BLIZZARD.'" 

Hikaru pouted. 

"Then how am I supposed to fight them?" 

Ayame and Sakura exchanged glances. 

"..." 

"..." 

"USE YOUR FISTS." 

The fight lasted exactly three seconds. 

The first mercenary—flung three streets away. 

The second—embedded in a wall. 

The third—somehow ended up on a roof. 

The fourth—inexplicably found himself in a woman's kimono. 

The fifth—simply dropped to his knees and cried. 

Hikaru stood amid the chaos, rubbing his fist. 

"Huh. Fists work." 

Sakura slowly covered her face with her hands. 

"We're doomed." 

On the rooftop, Kuroi Kirei trembled with excitement. 

"Yes... yes... such power... such uncontrollable rage..." 

He licked his blades. 

"I want to play with you..." 

When they finally reached the palace, they were met by two dozen archers aiming straight at Hikaru. 

"HALT!" boomed the captain of the guard. "HANDS ON YOUR HEAD!" 

Hikaru sighed. 

"Listen, I just—" 

"SILENCE!" 

"But—" 

"ONE MOVE AND WE SHOOT!" 

Ayame stepped forward. 

"We're here by the shogun's order! This man is a hero who—" 

"WHO DESTROYED HALF THE CITY!" 

Hikaru scratched his nose. 

"That was an accident..." 

At that moment, maniacal laughter echoed from the palace roof. Everyone looked up. 

There stood Kuroi Kirei, his tattered robes fluttering in the wind. 

"AT LAST, WE MEET... YOU CHEATER..." 

Hikaru squinted. 

"Uh... who's that?" 

Kuroi Kirei froze. 

"YOU... YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM?" 

"Well... sorry?" 

The madman trembled with rage. 

"I AM KUROI KIREI! THE GREATEST ASSASSIN IN THIS WORLD! I'VE SLAIN THOUSANDS!" 

"Ah," Hikaru nodded. "Nice to meet you." 

Dead silence. 

Then Kuroi Kirei screamed: 

"I'LL KILL YOU!" 

And leapt down, his blades glinting in the sun. 

Hikaru sighed. 

"Great... another fight..." 

The palace square froze. Even the archers forgot their bows, mesmerized as the human aberration with blades for fingers fell from the twenty-meter roof, spinning through the air like a thrown yoroi-drop. 

"Oh," Hikaru remarked, watching the descent. "He's gonna splat." 

Kuroi Kirei did, in fact, splat. 

With a crack. 

A crunch. 

A fountain of blood. 

"Well, that's that," Sakura sighed. 

"Kinda... short-lived," Ayame added. 

But then the bloody heap twitched. 

Squelch. 

Squelch. 

Squelch. 

Bones snapped back into place. Flesh stitched itself together. Kuroi Kirei rose, his neck bent at a 90-degree angle, then clicked back into position. 

"Oh," Hikaru said again. 

"YOU... THOUGHT... IT'D BE THAT EASY?" the madman rasped, spitting out a tooth. 

"Well... yeah?" 

"I'VE DIED HUNDREDS OF TIMES! I'VE WALKED THROUGH HELL! I AM—" 

"Quick question," Hikaru interrupted. 

"WHAT?" 

"You've got blades for fingers." 

"..." 

"How do you... y'know... wipe? Or... masturbate?" 

Silence. 

The archers exchanged glances. 

Ayame snorted. 

Sakura rolled her eyes. 

Kuroi Kirei shook with fury. 

"I... I'LL GUT YOU!" 

"You didn't answer the question." 

"IT DOESN'T MATTER!" 

"Sure it does, hygiene is—" 

"SHUT UP!" 

Kuroi Kirei lunged forward, his blades carving a dozen deadly arcs through the air. 

SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING! 

Hikaru stood still. 

His shirt fell apart in ribbons. 

His pants dropped. 

"Oh." 

He stood in nothing but unicorn-patterned pink underwear. 

"..." 

"..." 

"..." 

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!" Kuroi Kirei shrieked. 

"Mom's gift," Hikaru answered honestly. 

"YOU... YOU—" 

"Your mom's." Hikaru winked. 

Kuroi Kirei howled in rage and attacked again. 

SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING! 

The underwear disintegrated. 

Hikaru stood naked. 

"Oh." 

"WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ARE YOU?!" the madman screamed. "WHY WON'T YOU CUT?!" 

"999 defense," Hikaru shrugged. 

"BUT THAT'S—" 

"Cheating." 

"FUUUUUUUCK!" 

Kuroi Kirei staggered back, eyes darting wildly. 

"Fine... fine... I have other methods." 

He pulled out... a bottle. 

"Oh, sake?" Hikaru perked up. 

"NO. THIS IS THE POISON OF A THOUSAND AGONIES. ONE DROP AND YOUR GUTS—" 

"Can I try it?" 

"..." 

"Pleeeeease?" 

Trembling, Kuroi Kirei handed him the bottle. 

Hikaru took a sip. 

"Tastes alright. A bit tangy." 

"..." 

"You got anything else, or...?" 

Kuroi Kirei burst into tears. 

"IT'S NOT FAIR!" 

"Well, you attacked me first." 

"BUT I'M A PSYCHOPATH! I HAVE BLADES FOR FINGERS! I TRAINED FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS!" 

"So?" 

"I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THE STRONGEST!" 

Hikaru pondered. 

"Ever tried therapy?" 

"WHAT?" 

"Y'know, talk about childhood trauma." 

Kuroi Kirei froze. 

"..." 

"You had some, right?" 

"..." 

"Maybe dad was mean?" 

"..." 

"Bullied at school?" 

"..." 

"'Kuroi-kuroi, shrimp fingers'?" 

Kuroi Kirei fell to his knees. 

"...yes." 

"See? Then you found those blades, and—" 

"They accepted me." 

"Right." 

"They didn't laugh." 

"Got it." 

"They... cut." 

"Uh-huh." 

Silence. 

"Listen," Hikaru said. "Maybe just... stop?" 

"..." 

"Seriously. You're a smart guy." 

"I... I'VE KILLED HUNDREDS." 

"So?" 

"..." 

"I accidentally wiped out three villages yesterday." 

"..." 

"Everyone makes mistakes." 

Kuroi Kirei looked up. 

"You... you think I could...?" 

"Yeah." 

"But my blades..." 

"Try baking cookies." 

"..." 

"Or pottery." 

"..." 

"Or massage." 

Kuroi Kirei considered it. 

"Massage..." 

"Yeah." 

"With blades..." 

"Just... gently." 

"..." 

"Don't cut." 

"..." 

"So?" 

Kuroi Kirei slowly stood. 

"I... I'll try." 

"Good." 

"But..." 

"But?" 

"I still want to hit you once." 

Hikaru sighed. 

"Fine." 

Kuroi Kirei gathered all his strength. 

All his rage. 

All his pain. 

And struck. 

DING! 

The blade snapped. 

"Oops." 

"..." 

"..." 

"THAT'S IT, I'M JOINING A MONASTERY." 

Kuroi Kirei turned and trudged away. 

Hikaru faced Ayame and Sakura. 

"So, ready to see the shogun?" 

The girls were silent. 

"..." 

"..." 

"You... you just beat a psychopath naked..." 

"Yeah?" 

"..." 

"..." 

"At least put on pants." 

"Oh, right."