The Drunkard and The Dragon

Returning to Mondstadt felt like that moment when you finally close a group project PowerPoint at 3AM. Exhausted. Over it. Just a little traumatized. The fog had cleared, the temples were toast, and Stormterror's lair loomed in the distance like the final boss of an unpaid internship.

But as we strolled back into the city, something deep within me stirred.

"Wait. Hold up," I said, stopping so abruptly that Paimon nearly bumped into my back. "We forgot something."

"Huh? What? Did we leave a treasure chest behind?" Paimon panicked, floating dramatically.

"Worse," I said, turning around with a hollow look in my eyes. "We forgot our Adventurer's Handbook."

Lumine blinked.

Paimon blinked.

A pigeon flew by and probably blinked.

I clenched my fists. "We've been doing quests like unpaid interns with no benefits. It's time to collect our reward. Even if it's just three Primogems and a slap on the back."

And so, like moths to a flame—or rather, broke travelers to microtransactions—we made our way to the Adventurers' Guild.

"Ad Astra Abyssosque." Katheryne said in her usual cheerful-meets-dead-inside tone. "Welcome to the Adventurers' Guild," Right... I can't skip real life, huh?

I flinched.

I don't know what it is about that phrase, but it sounds like the beginning of a cursed gacha chant. Like if I say it three times, I'll get a 3-star weapon and emotional damage.

"We'd like to register and get our handbooks," I said, pretending this wasn't triggering years of open-world trauma.

"Of course," she smiled mechanically, handing over a small, leather-bound book.

It looked innocent.

It was not.

Paimon squealed. "Ooh! It tells you what you need to do to get more rewards!"

"Yes," Katheryne said. "By completing commissions daily, you can earn Primogems, Mora, and other valuable resources."

And just like that, my PTSD kicked in.

Daily commissions.

Daily. Commissions.

Every. Single. Day.

"I... I've seen this before," I whispered, holding the book like it was a cursed relic. "Log in daily. Defeat 5 slimes. Pretend you're helping the community when really you're just grinding for shiny wishes."

Lumine patted my shoulder. Paimon looked concerned. I stared into the abyss.

"Thank you, Katheryne," I said, dead inside.

"Ad Astra Abyssosque," she replied.

"Yeah, yeah, Abyssosuckmeintohell," I muttered.

With trauma secured, we returned to the Knights of Favonius HQ to report our very legal and very dramatic progress.

That's when we saw her.

Jean.

The Anemo Mommy herself, standing tall, elegant, and slightly stressed—as always. But she wasn't alone.

She was speaking to a woman in a dark coat, her hair tied up in a professional bun, posture straighter than a claymore. A Fatui.

I froze.

"Oh... oh shit. I forgot about this part."

Lumine tilted her head.

"Fatui interaction moment. Diplomatic drama arc incoming."

We stood there, awkwardly hiding behind a bush like amateur spies.

"Should we interrupt?" Paimon whispered.

"Nope. Let them do their cutscene. I'm not about to be stabbed by a woman wearing heels sharper than my sword."

Eventually, the conversation ended. The Fatui woman walked off like she owned the pavement. Jean turned, spotted us, and smiled.

"Ah, you've returned."

We emerged from our hiding bush like gremlins.

"We sealed the temples. Kinda nearly died. But we also learned that I'm allergic to spikes and close combat."

Jean chuckled softly. "Thank you for your efforts. Now that the elemental flow has stabilized, Mondstadt is much safer."

I nodded solemnly, pretending I knew what she was talking about. Elemental flow? Girl, I barely understand how my own burst cooldown works.

"That woman just now was from the Fatui," she added. "She came to discuss the Stormterror crisis... and the Cryo Archon's proposal."

I gasped. Not because I understood the implications. But because the words "Cryo Archon" just sounded expensive.

"Anyway," Jean continued, a bit more serious now, "there are matters we must discuss in private. Please, follow me."

Ohoho. Plot progression? Lore time??

I shot a look at Lumine and Paimon. "This is it. We're about to unlock the real questline."

And so we entered the HQ, unaware that inside those fancy walls, drama, diplomacy, and perhaps even more commissions awaited us.

But hey, at least now I had my cursed Handbook of Depression.

One Primogem at a time.

So there we were, inside the Knights of Favonius HQ, surrounded by walls that probably held more secrets than Paimon's actual lore relevance. Jean sat us down like a mom about to deliver some Real Talk, and Lisa was there too—which meant I was going to forget half the important stuff due to sheer brain meltdown.

Let me explain.

Lisa is, for lack of a better term, dangerous. Not in the way Hilichurls are dangerous. Not even in the way a Ruin Guard yeeting itself at your soul is dangerous. No. Lisa is dangerous because she has mastered the art of weaponized flirtation. She says "Oh my~" and my soul tries to exit my body. I am a simple man, okay?

"Let's discuss this crystal you brought back," Jean said calmly.

Focus, Shigeru. No simping.

I reached into my satchel and carefully pulled out the cursed tear crystal, a.k.a. Mood Tear of Doom, or so I called it. Jean raised a brow, and Lisa leaned in, her eyes glowing with interest—or electro energy. Same thing.

"It's reacting to something," Lisa murmured, gently brushing her fingers near it.

I didn't even flinch.

Okay maybe I flinched a little.

"Oh? This is quite unusual," she continued. "It reacts to Visions. Faintly, but there's resonance."

Paimon floated over. "Wait, so it has, like, Vision envy or something?"

"If it starts crying because it didn't get five-star pity, I relate," I muttered.

Jean nodded thoughtfully. "This might be tied to Dvalin. The elemental imbalance, the corruption... it all makes sense now."

Did it? Because all I knew was, we were holding a glorified gacha tear that screamed every time you got too close with a Vision. Probably how I look every time I see someone pull Yelan while I get One Keqing, three Harbinger of Dawn Swords, and depression.

Jean looked at Lisa. "Can you inspect this further?"

"With pleasure~" Lisa purred.

...Send help.

After some vague lore dump and enough exposition to make my head spin, we finally stepped outside. I was ready to go lie down, maybe cry into my weapon, and scream into the skies like any normal adventurer.

But Paimon, bless her lack of filter, decided it was info drop time.

"Hey! We forgot to tell Jean about the green guy we saw with Dvalin!"

"The what now?" I blinked.

Right. We did see him. The little wind bard himself. The discount drunk with an attitude and the voice of a thousand memes.

"He was talking to the Dragon!" Paimon flailed.

"Yeah," I said, squinting. "Definitely didn't look suspicious at all. Totally normal Mondstadt citizen behavior."

And then, as if the universe heard us talking shit, Paimon suddenly pointed near the stairs.

"THAT'S HIM! THE GREEN GUY!"

I swear time slowed.

He was there.

The one.

The bard.

The Venti.

My first five-star.

I gasped. I wept. I ascended.

"Lumine," I whispered like I was revealing a state secret. "That idiot over there? That's the Anemo Archon. Barbatos himself."

She blinked. "Huh?"

"Yes. The actual god. Please keep it to yourself. I don't want to get reported for spoiler terrorism."

Paimon floated in place, confused. "Why are you whispering?"

"Because I am burdened with knowledge and also fear," I hissed.

And then Venti turned.

He saw us.

He BOLTED.

"OH HECK NO!" I yelled. "WE ARE NOT LETTING MY FIRST FIVE-STAR GET AWAY!"

We ran.

Lumine dashed. Paimon zipped. I anime-sprinted like my life was sponsored by stamina food.

"Where'd he go?!" Lumine asked, scanning the streets.

"I KNOW WHERE HE IS," I said, standing dramatically on a bench. "I've played this intro twenty-six times. I have three alt accounts. Two of them are AR55. I know this city better than I know my own reflection. FOLLOW ME."

Cue theme song.

To the Statue of Barbatos!

We rushed through the city like a trio of weirdos cosplaying parkour professionals.

I skidded to a stop in front of the church, heart pounding.

"He's here," I said, pointing to the statue like I was discovering Atlantis.

And there he was.

Standing infront of the crowd infront of Barbatos' Statue-Or statue of himself- like the dramatic bastard he is, playing his little lyre and probably writing songs about wind and wine and making bad decisions.

Paimon squinted. "How did you know?"

"I told you," I said, flipping imaginary sunglasses onto my face. "2000 hours of playing time, baby."

Lumine crossed her arms. "So what do we do now?"

"Now," I said, stepping forward with reverence, "we vibe."

So, there we were, standing like background characters at an anime concert, watching this green, boot-wearing lyre dude whom we absolutely don't know is the actual Anemo Archon—*wink wink* spitting rhymes like he's headlining Mondstadt's Got Talent. His voice? Angelic. His vibe? Homeless. His poetry? A whole emotional essay about a dragon with daddy abandonment issues.

Seriously, he went all in.

Apparently, Dvalin—yeah, that Stormterror guy who just tried to blow up our eyebrows off—was once a gentle, kind-hearted dragon who used to hang out with the Anemo Archon. Like bros. BFFs. Buddies who drink Dandelion Wine and roast other dragons in their free time.

Then boom—plot twist.

Turns out, there was another dragon, probably some feral scaly lizard with serious attitude problems. Dvalin and the Archon supposedly tag-teamed him like it was WWE, bodied the guy, and sent him back to the stone age. But after the fight, my guy Dvalin got a little too emotionally available and caught a case of corruption. Real sad boy hours. He kept calling out to his Archon bro, probably like:

"Yo Barbatos, you up?"

But the man never showed. Just like my trust issues say, don't rely on someone who disappears after saying they'll buy milk.

Then came the tears.

Literal dragon tears. Not some fancy symbolism crap. Real, raw, sparkly drops of emotional trauma. You know, the exact kind we picked up off the ground like random loot. And it turns out, yep, same ones. I should've seen that coming. Typical plot event. Called it.

Anyway, once Mr. Poetry finished doing his spoken word TED Talk on "How to Lose a Dragon in Ten Days," he looks at us like he just now realized we were there.

"Oh! You guys were the ones who saw me with Dvalin, right?"

Bro.

BRO.

WE LITERALLY CHASED YOU.

But okay, I'll let that slide because I've seen what you can do with a lyre.

Then he goes all dramatic with the cape flourish -probably practiced in front of a mirror,- and introduces himself as Mondstadt's Most Famous Bard. Paimon, bless her floating soul, just goes, "We wanna ask you about this!" and Lumine pulls out the tear crystal like she's showing off her new Pokémon card.

Then guess what?

It's already purified.

Shocking. Not.

I say nothing because this is exactly how the game plays it. I could write this scene line for line. Actually, I have written it line for line—in my dreams, in memes, and in that one embarrassing fanfic I'm never letting anyone read.

Venti starts talking about how Dvalin used to be pure, innocent, and gentle. You know, before trauma and lack of emotional support destroyed him. Then he's like, "Oh, I've also come across a tear!" while acting like he's not the one who cries wine every time someone mentions Celestia.

Then the bard—who again, is definitely not the Anemo Archon, not at all—asks Lumine to purify the one he has.

Why?

I don't know. Maybe it's symbolic. Maybe it's lazy. Or maybe it's just easier than asking Lisa to set up a research station with budget cuts.

Lumine does the thing. Tear goes sparkle sparkle. Venti smiles like an NPC who just finished giving you a quest.

And then he starts walking off.

"Where are you going?" Paimon asks.

And he goes, all mysterious and whimsical, "To the symbol of Mondstadt's hero!"

Then he just... dips.

Gone. Like a bard in the wind.

Cue my inner monologue screaming:

"Bro, that's in Windrise, isn't it!? Don't play me like I'm stupid! I've got 2,000 hours in this game—I know every damn rooftop you can parkour on!"

So I turn to the squad with all the confidence of a man who has memorized the location of every Anemoculus, and say,

"I know where he's going. Follow me, nerds."

And with that, your boy Shigeru leads the charge.

____________________________

End of chapter 6

Quest completed: Listening to a Drunk Bard about a dragon with Daddy issues.

Rewards: 1x Purified Dragon Tear (cleansed with the power of Destiny and Plot Devices, +1 Ancient Lore You Definitely Skipped, and Venti's Spoken Word Mixtape.