Chapter 5: The Barkening – Rise of the Influencer Pup
It all began with a phone vibrating at 3:07 a.m.
Carlton groaned, face down on the couch, his cheek stuck to an empty slice of American cheese. Travis, perched on an ottoman Googling "how to trademark a dog," grabbed the phone and squinted.
The caller ID said: "Brand Rep – Barkle HQ."
He picked up. "Yo. If this is about Princess Buttermilk's taxes, she's technically a dependent."
"Congratulations!" a chirpy voice shouted. "You've just been promoted to full-time Barkle Ambassadors!"
Carlton bolted upright, cheese stuck to his face like a sticky note.
"Wait. That's a real job?"
"Effective immediately. You'll receive a Barkle card, influencer manual, ring light, portable paw-dicure kit, and 300 lbs of raw salmon."
Click.
Travis stared at the phone.
Carlton peeled the cheese off his face.
Then they both screamed.
---
By noon, their apartment had been transformed into what could only be described as a glittery warzone of pet content creation. There were tiny sunglasses on every surface. A box labeled "Fur-Luminati-Approved Outfits" exploded in the corner. Someone had shipped a fog machine.
Travis was filming Buttermilk licking a branded bone in slow-motion. Carlton was desperately scrolling YouTube for tutorials titled "How to Make Your Dog Go Viral Without Crying."
"Okay," Travis said, "today's content: Spa day. But with drama."
Carlton blinked. "What kind of drama?"
"Like... she gets dumped by her stylist mid-shampoo. Emotional arc. Maybe a betrayal. We'll improvise."
Just then, there was a knock on the door.
Standing outside was a man in a full velvet robe holding a bulldog in a faux Versace tracksuit.
"I'm Pierre. This is Fabio. We run @FabioTheFurGod. Ten million followers. We heard you've entered... the influencer scene."
He handed them a business card. It was scented.
Carlton stared at Fabio. Fabio licked his own butt and made eye contact while doing it.
"You've got competition," Pierre said, smiling coldly. "Barkle only has room for one face of the brand."
Then he dropped a rawhide bone shaped like a middle finger and walked away.
---
It was war.
Travis slammed the door. "Okay. No more games. We're going viral, or we're going home."
"We're already home," Carlton mumbled.
"Shut up and film the confessional interview," Travis snapped.
They sat Buttermilk on a tiny couch, backlit dramatically. She looked into the ring light with the dead eyes of a reality show contestant who knew she was better than everyone else.
Carlton whispered, "Should she cry?"
"She's a dog, Carlton."
"Okay but like... maybe she could howl?"
---
Their first big video dropped that night.
Title: "My Groomer Betrayed Me – A Dogumentary."
In it, Buttermilk gets pampered, rejected, and walks away in slow-motion to the sound of Celine Dion barking. There's a subplot involving her friendship with a golden retriever named Moose who got canceled for peeing on a charity banner.
The internet lost its mind.
TikTokers made reaction videos. A celebrity tweeted, "Can't believe I'm crying over a tiny dog with trust issues."
The next morning, they woke up to 117,000 followers, six brand deal emails, and a message from Barkle:
> "You are now in Influencer Tier 2. Please prepare Buttermilk for a live appearance at BarkCon this weekend. You'll be competing in the Pawffluencer Power Panel. The theme is 'Authentic Barking in an Over-Branded World.' Good luck. Also, Fabio's attending."
Carlton looked up from the email. "We have to give a TED Talk... for dogs?"
"No," Travis said. "We have to destroy Fabio. On stage. In front of cameras. This is our Avengers: Endgame."
---
That night, they sat Buttermilk down for media training.
Carlton held up cue cards. "This one says 'woof' in four fonts."
Travis gently corrected her posture. "Buttermilk, if you're going to represent vulnerable barking experiences, you have to stop licking your own foot mid-interview."
Buttermilk blinked slowly.
Then she farted.
Travis nodded. "She's ready."
---