NOT MY BODY - AGAINST MY WILL

I am not a queen because I rule, I rule because I am THE QUEEN.

Birthed in my heart. Alive in my veins…

***************

In practiced rhythm, the palace maids enter in a hushed procession bearing golden trays inlaid with lapis, carrying vessels of silver tureens, curling into the air, steam scented with saffron, cloves, and roasted lamb.

When everyone had meals before them and their goblets almost filled to the brim, the Queen spoke in the dwelling silence.

“Heavens’ Will laid this abundance. May the will of the heavens keep it’’

Everyone, including Nadezhda, replied. ‘‘May heavens’ will keep it’’ and with graceful hands, they began to satisfy their mouths and bellies.

Light conversation passed around the table, but the only words that came from Nadezhda were her response to the Queen’s question about the meal. “It’s full of flavor. Thank you’’

It certainly was because, at first, her heart was burdened with making a good impression on some of the Elite Royals of Valcresh, who had certainly seen her behave poorly in the gathering of Southern Royals. But then the comfort good food brings set in her soul, and she was beginning to enjoy herself.

Though her attention was on the vessels before her, her ears caught wind of the jokes going around.

The King’s first wife - who for some reason isn’t the Queen – poked light fun at her daughter, the third Princess of Valcresh, about something wild she had said to some Prince of Adabbon who had eyes for her.

That single tease set off a chain of playful banter: Princes tossed jests at Princesses who flung them right back in kind and soon the King’s wives were also swept and caught in the cheerful crossfire.

Nothing felt tense or unruly and even when Evadne’s words had briefly shimmered to knives at Nadezhda, Queen Maeve brushed it aside with grace.

Nadezhda’s admiration for the Queen birthed wings and was close to taking flight.

In comparison to her kin in Isoloth, who dined like a gathering of the war council, Nadezhda felt more at ease.

She was still scoping everyone out, but she was beginning to look forward to the next time the Queen would request her presence for dinner.

She kept on eating till her goblet of wine was empty, and the vessel before her had a few pieces of lamb.

The meal had delighted her beyond her imagination.

But suddenly the silver vessel turned completely dark in her vision. It was for a fleeting second and then the flow of things resumed, except there seemed to be two more vessels in front of her.

She felt her throat itch and a gnawing desire to scratch it till it turned red, till she tore the skin and got out what was driving the abrupt unease.

Or more effectively, to use one of her hands to reach to the back of her throat and claw directly.

She swallowed, dropped her utensils, and tried to breathe properly, but everything appeared harder to do.

She lightly rubbed her hand around her neck and looked to see if anyone was noticing that she was a step from the abyss of madness. It was like they were all attuned to her at that moment because, surprisingly, their eyes were on her.

The laughter and humour that had put her at ease was dead and so were the orbs that assessed her.

By her left, at the far end of the table, someone whistled.

A strange sensation was overtaking her and it was entirely beyond her understanding.

“Queen Maev- Mother, I…help me, something is-’’ Nadezhda blathered but Evadne snarled.

‘‘It’s Queen Maeve you Velvet-masked deceiver’’

‘‘Be calm Evadne!’’ The Queen said in a calm and dismissive tone.

She turned to face Nadezhda who was not even certain of her senses in the moment.

‘‘Stop fretting Child, nothing is going to happen to you. You aren’t even going to remember this moment.

I’m only after a couple of specific answers; everyone else needs their doubts soothed,’’ She said with a smile.

Nadezhda felt a curl of fire at the pit of her belly. She was mad.

Her chest moved but her limbs were frail.

‘‘Was it the wine or the food?’’ She asked, her voice cold as she stared right at Queen Maeve.

Surprised, Prince San inquired. ‘‘Does she yet retain her own will?’’

Half-expecting it, he wasn’t all that shocked when no one answered or even acknowledged that he raised a query.

Someone along where he sat, replied Nadezhda.

‘‘From the display at the party where dear blind Prince Commander Zorgan had claimed you like you were made of stardust, it wasn’t a hard guess you would swoon for a good wine or liquor’’

Sitting opposite, Evadne snickered. ‘‘Stardust? Just made of dust- simply dust!’’

The Queen’s voice thundered in the dining chamber, ‘‘I swear upon the realms above, if another sound escapes the lips of any – a bloody snicker, a chortle, a bloody word-” She stressed. ‘‘-you shall find your days in the Infernal Keep.’’

Eyes red and flashing with the need to prove her words, every single soul except Nadezhda – who was feeling funnier as the seconds went by – cowered and sealed their lips.

It was clear that the Queen wasn’t going to go back on her word not even if the King pleads. They knew how capable she was.

And they also knew it partly had to do with that regard to Zorgan as ‘blind.’

Just to show how disdained and indignant she is at them, Queen Maeve adds,

“Yet you wonder the reason you are left out of everything’’

She clasped her hands and strapped her indifferent face on as she turned to Nadezhda.

Nadezhda’s lips sneered, her heart rate erratic as she peered at the Queen.

She would give credit where it was due- there was a certain effortless poise to the Queen. Those lingering warm embraces that had truthfully felt warm, the unflappable calm regardless of what she said or did, and that radiant smile –probably the sweetest one she had seen since her mother.

But the smile still wasn’t what maimed the utmost. It was the statement: ‘‘You wouldn’t remember this moment’’

Not only had they laced her drink but the substance was going to ensure she wouldn’t have the memory of this juncture.

‘Well isn’t this a glance at perfection?’

‘‘Before all else, we would like to know. Were you placed here by royal command, a spy masked as kin, to watch Valcresh for your father?’’

Nadezhda shivered.

She couldn’t tell if it was voluntary or not.

She thought the answer, and simultaneously, her tongue loosened.

‘‘Of course not’’

The Queen’s smile shone like a firelight while Nadezdha wanted to tear out her hair.

She was angry at them, at everything they were doing to her and she had never meant to answer whatever they would ask of her. But the moment she had thought it, she had spoken.

‘I can’t be here anymore and I need to leave… Now’ She thought.

Her body felt like the golden gates of Valcresh had been dumped on it, but she tried to move…she had to.

She rocked right, then left, and then swayed strongly to the right once more. She hit the floor and immediately, began to move in slow worm-like wriggles, as though her arms and legs were shackled to her body.

She had barely made a toddler’s third step when the flow of an unmistakable garment filled her vision. She looked up to meet Queen Maeve’s eyes…and that smile.

‘If this was the smile my father and brothers demanded every time I chose to frown for something I wanted, they’d be happily swaying to a lively tune in hell.

Not every smile carries good intentions’

‘‘Heavens, you truly are something.

Move those dishes aside and come set her on the table’’ Queen Maeve ordered.

‘‘No don’t..what are…what is happening. What in all…in all heavens’’

Nothing stopped the Princes as they gingerly lifted her and placed her on the table.

She was sweating, her head and senses were swimming in confusion and she stared up as the roof went on and on.

Those that had lifted her, held her down –two separate hands around her ankles and two separate hands pinning her shoulders- like she could magically teleport from their reach. Like she had not just been reduced to the speed of a maggot when they had seized her.

The person who was holding her right shoulder seemed to have further thoughts as he slowly inched his fingers forward.

She froze, all the strength in her zapping far from her reach, the will she had once prided herself with staring at her like a ghost, an out-of-body experience.

Even though her eyes were up, she somehow knew when the Queen joined the person by her left, partially casting darkness to a side of her.

‘‘So persistent, Nadezhda.

I will forge you to become the perfect Queen for my son.

Unless he grows fonder of another and decides on her instead.

Now stay still and do not make me strike you. Or else you will wake up with an ugly mark that will leave questions you will never have answers to.

Tell me now,

The Grand Hall where my son claimed you for his own, was that where you first met him?’’

She thought the answer and weakly, her lips responded, ‘‘No it wasn’t’’

It wasn’t because they had first met in the sixth room in that hallway where she had referred to Zorgan as an immoral swine.

Tears slid down the corners of her eyes as more questions were rained on her. Her body wasn’t hers because whatever they gave her submitted her thoughts to their ears, and the greasy lamb-sauced finger on her shoulder kept greedily inching downward.