ON HER RETURN

I am not a queen because I rule, I rule because I am THE QUEEN.

Birthed in my heart. Alive in my veins

*************

Ladies-in-waiting saw to her preparations before the palace tour and Nadezhda would acknowledge that they seemed more skilled than Astrid, Camille and Aida.

The way they attended to her- massaging her skin with delicate precision, shaping her hair with skilled hands, selecting her garments with thoughtful care and seeking her counsel – was nothing short of courtly.

She regarded her reflection and found satisfaction with her image.

As the door was opened by one of the ladies, she stepped forward only to find Queen Maeve already waiting just beyond the threshold.

‘‘Queen M-‘’ Nadezhda smiled shyly, quickly catching herself. ‘‘Pardon me, I’m still new to this. How was your night Mother?’’

The ladies-in-waiting went away while the Queen’s guards stood a good feet away, leaving the Royals to their privacy.

“The night treated me kindly thank you. And yours?’’ Queen Maeve inquired, her tone pleasant as her eyes bore a deeper curiosity as they lingered on Nadezhda.

‘‘I- I-” Nadezhda scratched the back of her neck lightly as she appeared to do some thinking.

‘‘I am uncertain how best to express this.

I wasn’t expecting you here because I’m persuaded I must have done something to cast you in shame last night.

I am not often so careless with wine, but… the evidence of my past contradicts that claim.

By the heavens, I’m convinced I didn’t have my goblet refilled. I can’t even remember how I arrived this quarter…’’ Nadezhda managed to speak, though the fluttering of her breath gave away her mounting distress.

In an instant, she dropped to her knees before the Queen, her head hung remorsefully.

‘‘Mother, if in that haze, I have stained your honour after all your kindness, I shall bear whatever judgement you see fit’’

A ghost of a smile hovered around the Queen’s lips.

Evadne who was watching behind a pillar smiled and walked away.

‘‘Dezhda-” The Queen lilted as she gathered Nadezhda to a standing position.

She lifted Nadezhda’s sullen face to hers.

‘‘You are now my daughter and there is nothing you do that can make Queen Maeve rule a judgement over you.

Like I tell Zorgan, ‘heirs before heritage’, remember that Child…Remember’’ Queen Maeve said as she gently stroked Nadezhda’s cheeks with the back of her hand.

She looped their arms together and led the way, the guards following at a respectful distance.

Queen Maeve shared views of serene inner courtyards, verdant gardens at the southwest region and a wing of the northern part of the Palace, the Royal Archive, an elegant ballroom where Queen Maeve had spun Nadezhda around, earning a rich laughter that tenderly brushed the crystal chandeliers and high ceilings, the very large kitchen the tasty meals from last night had come from. They had passed through the private chambers and the Queen had even showed Nadezdhda a path to a secret tunnel that leads to the Infernal Keep.

Then they arrived at the threshold to the throne Hall where they could hear the King’s subjects going over some political matters.

A few steps from it is the Coronation hall and immediately the doors were pushed open for them, Nadezhda could feel a form of aura drape over her head and coat the atmosphere.

It willed one to be conscientious.

‘‘This is the most sacred space from all other chambers I have shown you.

Here is where I was crowned Queen and where you will be made one’’

Queen Maeve continued moving but Nadezhda halted.

‘‘Did you become a Queen when you began to rule?’’ She asked in a cool voice though there was a look in her eyes Queen Maeve couldn’t decipher.

The Queen turned to her with a certain nod. ‘‘Yes I did’’

Nadezdha began, ‘‘I do not-”, the Queen interrupted her softly. ‘‘Readiness is a myth, not a requirement. I don’t say this to frighten you, but to remind you.

I had to walk my road without a hand to hold but you wouldn’t have to’’

She took Nadezhda’s hands with warmth.

‘‘Upon Zorgan’s return, he shall be declared Crown Prince. My heart swells with pride. I only wish for the day to be flawless’’

Nadezhda nodded and offered a soft smile.

Then she had a late breakfast with some of the royals that were still present. She apologized for the scene she caused due to the influence of the wine from last night .

To show her repentance, she had just water with her meal.

Everyone accepted her words except Evadne who was still her usual salty self. Everything was normal and the cheerful air was almost tasteful.

The Queen then sent her away with the carriage she had arrived in yesterday. She waved at her with a promise to return for another dinner.

When she arrived Zorgan’s Minor Palace, she thanked the charioteer and the soldiers who had accompanied her sojourn. She took light steps up to her room and told her chambermaids she would like a moment to herself.

But when she closed the door behind them, her face fell, her eyes watered, her body shuddered, her fingers shook and like it was a disease, perspiration broke out on her skin. Her nose itched, her lips trembled and she tried to fold her hands to fists but her nervous system seemed to be failing. It was impossible.

She fell on her knees and folded her frame as her fingers found her hair and pulled very hard.

Some strands pulled with the onslaught and so did a screech from the depths of her belly.

She remembered it all.

That ugly smile.

The way they had spoken to her.

The person’s hand that had grazed one of her breasts.

Above all, she recollected how her body and mind had betrayed her. How she couldn’t keep a thought to herself. They had reduced her to nothing and during the breakfast, they had smiled and conversed with her like they hadn’t observed her curiously on that same table.

She tore the sheets that covered her bed, she ruined her pillows, threw everything off her vanity table.

She sat in a heap of anger and tears as she took one look at her broken bed and upturned room.

She wasn’t satisfied. She was still burning.

She had always loved wine and a good liquor. They had been the only things she had called true companions all these years, but she had not even been able to look at it for fear of relieving that moment again or worse, letting them know that the ugly substance they had given her didn’t have its full effect on her.

And then, there was the knowledge of Zorgan knowing his parents’ intentions of making him Crown Prince and yet he had married her.

‘Was it because I was so easy? Am I easy?’

She needed answers to her questions but there was no one to do so.

Each and everyone of them had preyed on her and the understanding that she had not the authority to make them regret turned the flowing blood in her veins to a flow of liquid fire.

She remembered the hunting grounds behind the building and she desired to hunt – something she had never done before.

She grabbed a bow and her fletching arrows and yanked her door open with wrath.