To Take It Seriously Is to Court Defeat

On the internet, there exists a popular saying: "Take it seriously, and you've already lost."

Another maxim goes: "The greater the hope, the deeper the disappointment."

These adages, in truth, mirror countless disillusionments we face in everyday life.

Take this for example: when the SOS Brigade led by Haruhi Suzumiya, the Kasukabe Defense Force of Crayon Shin-chan, and the Boys' Adventure Squad from Doraemon — three legendary multiverse-crossing super-teams feared by enemies far and wide — gathered together, along with the Nohara family, and sat solemnly upon the tatami mats of the Nohara living room in Kasukabe City, Saitama Prefecture, quietly awaiting the "Main God" to transport them into the world of Alien 1, they were met not with an epic interdimensional journey, but rather the grotesque sight of a xenomorph falling clumsily from the ceiling...

According to a later analysis by Yuki Nagato, the "Main God" system had been gravely damaged, its core programs nearly obliterated. It was no longer capable of pulling people into alternate dimensions — at best, it could barely release a few monsters.

To make matters worse, due to the system's severe energy shortage, even the released alien was a scaled-down version — scarcely the size of a basketball.

The next instant, this miniature xenomorph was promptly bathed in the beam of Doraemon's Miniaturization Lamp, shrinking to the size of a coin and then sealed within a thick glass jar, to the ghoulish delight of the crowd who gathered eagerly around to gawk at the pitiful creature.

— After all, no matter how terrifying a creature may appear, when it's reduced to the size of a fingernail, who could possibly be frightened?

Shinnosuke Nohara, ever playful, poked at the mini alien with a plastic straw as though teasing a bug, laughing gleefully as it sputtered tiny jets of acid, corroding the straw with holes and etching pits into the bottle's interior. Yet with no sustenance to replenish itself, the creature quickly ran dry, unable to melt a single escape route through the glass.

"Oooh! This thing's really fun! It's gotta be more interesting than raising a rhinoceros beetle! Mom, can I keep it?"

After a while spent fiddling with his new toy, the five-year-old Shinnosuke innocently made his request.

— Seriously now, what do you take a xenomorph for? A chick-chasing performer? Or a backup dancer for your butt-wiggling show?

Wang Qiu could only roll his eyes in speechless disbelief, while Doraemon and the others seemed entirely unfazed — they'd dealt with far worse, after all.

Besides, one must remember: when you're a "cat-type childcare robot" capable of casually carrying around a hundred billion tons of TNT just to blow up a mouse, the concept of "fear" likely holds no meaning for you.

"Absolutely not! That hideous thing would scare our guests half to death!"

Mrs. Nohara, hands on hips and stern-faced, snapped her refusal.

"Besides, we've got a thirty-year mortgage to pay off. Just feeding Shiro the dog is enough of a struggle. We can't afford to raise any more creatures!"

It seems, in the eyes of this thrifty housewife, even a creature that would make astronauts tremble is no more than a glorified cockroach.

Then again, in the world of Crayon Shin-chan, very few things are meant to be taken too seriously — for most villains hell-bent on world destruction have, at best, the IQ of a kindergartner… or perhaps even less.

"What an ugly piece of garbage," came the scornful verdict from Commander Haruhi Suzumiya herself. "It might as well just drop dead."

Thus, to celebrate the triumph over the alien threat and the salvation of Earth, Gian (a.k.a. Takeshi) proposed a commemorative solo performance.

The others immediately stuffed their ears with cotton, while the alien within the jar stumbled backward, succumbed to the twin assaults of divine curse and Gian's singing, and promptly perished.

— And with that, the much-anticipated Alien 1 scenario came to a dull and anticlimactic end, leaving the SOS Brigade, the Kasukabe Defense Force, and the Boys' Adventure Squad utterly disappointed.

In this world of absurdity, some things — if taken seriously — are simply doomed to fail.

…

That noon, the Nohara family hosted Wang Qiu, Haruhi Suzumiya, Doraemon, and the others for a reasonably hearty lunch.

All in all, though equally burdened by mortgage pressure, and with a breadwinner working the typical nine-to-five, the Nohara household appeared slightly more prosperous than the Nobis.

Mr. Nohara, after all, was a department chief at Futaba Corporation with an annual salary exceeding six million yen, whereas Nobita's father was merely an assistant manager — a glorified secretary — with lower pay and status.

Furthermore, living expenses in Saitama were somewhat lower than in Tokyo, allowing the Noharas to afford a car (albeit on a ten-year installment plan), whereas the Nobis could not.

This disparity revealed itself clearly at the dining table: despite nearly twenty people seated for the meal, everyone received a fragrant pork cutlet and two crispy drumsticks. Not lavish, but certainly decent.

Still, meat was scarce, and there was no feasting to one's heart's content. No exotic delicacies adorned the spread. Vegetables consisted of green peppers and carrots — over half of which were discreetly discarded by Shinnosuke.

— Alas, Shinnosuke's legendary hatred of green peppers was rivaled only by his love for pretty older girls.

Following this modest banquet, Haruhi Suzumiya, having lost interest, returned to Hyōgo Prefecture via the Anywhere Door.

Yuki Nagato, however, remained behind with Doraemon to investigate the secrets of the "Main God" sphere.

To everyone's astonishment, she somehow managed to extract a port from the device and connect it to her laptop via data cable — a testament to her alien ingenuity.

Meanwhile, Wang Qiu, unable to contribute to such technical matters, toured the Nohara household under Shinnosuke's enthusiastic guidance.

Aside from an upstairs room used as a study, the entire family slept together on futons laid out in a spacious room on the first floor — a layout strikingly similar to that of the Nobis.

Could it be that all traditional Japanese houses follow the same blueprint?

Shinnosuke also proudly showcased their latest architectural acquisition: a luxurious second-hand doghouse purchased at a flea market for 10,000 yen.

Designed in imitation of a Japanese palace, complete with intricate carvings and painted beams, it was a visual marvel.

Its only flaw was its occupant — Shiro — who looked pale and lethargic… only for them to realize that Shinnosuke had forgotten to feed him that day.

Indeed, Shiro's life in the Nohara household was nothing short of turbulent and tragic: sometimes forgotten and starved to the bone, other times stuffed full of kibble until he resembled a small pig; swinging between chubby and skeletal; occasionally even forced into bizarre mating rituals…

Thankfully, Crayon Shin-chan is a comedy, where science, logic, and reason are all but illusions.

Were it otherwise, this pitiful mutt might have long since perished.

As twilight descended, parents began calling one by one, summoning their children home.

The little ones from Futaba Kindergarten departed. Nobita, Shizuka, Suneo, and Gian began gathering their things.

Just then, Yuki Nagato, still wearing her rabbit-eared headphones and staring at her screen, abruptly turned and announced a new warning:

"...Main God Space has detected another fluctuation. In one hour, the scenario of Ju-On will commence. Please prepare accordingly..."

The news made Wang Qiu, who was just about to crawl into Doraemon's dimensional pouch, stumble mid-motion.

Wait, what? The xenomorph was only just sung to death by Gian, and now the vengeful spirits of The Grudge are coming?

Well, even though Haruhi Suzumiya had already left, the forces assembled at the Nohara household were still formidable. There shouldn't be much to worry about… probably.

Thus, with curiosity reignited, the group once again assembled in the living room, watching TV and speculating on where exactly Kayako's ghost might emerge from.

Unfortunately, after the scenario began, and despite extensive searching, no anomalies were discovered — until they heard Shiro barking frantically in the yard.

There, in the luxurious doghouse, they found something utterly ridiculous…

...

"The Noharas' recently acquired luxury doghouse, originally belonged to a Chihuahua named Kayako from the house across the street.

Kayako, who in life harbored an unspoken love for the Akita Inu named Shiro, was tragically violated by a large black wolfdog.

Her spirit, bound by vengeance, and the doghouse she once inhabited, were both sold off and ended up here.

Now, as a ghost, she clings to Shiro, her lost love, unwilling to move on…"

As Nagato delivered this deadpan explanation, everyone watched, dumbfounded, as the spectral image of a tiny Chihuahua floated out of Shiro's food bowl, circling the doghouse while Shiro barked in terror.

A collective urge to prostrate themselves and bang their heads against the wall overcame the crowd.

"Oh, for heaven's sake! A doghouse version of The Grudge? This has got to be a joke!"

— But alas, in this inexplicable world, many things are doomed the moment you take them seriously…

In the end, through Yuki Nagato's masterful manipulation of data, the ghostly Chihuahua was pacified. Thus concluded the bizarre romance of the "phantom pup and her lost love," and Shiro entered a new chapter of life — one where he would see Kayako's spirit every time he came back from a walk.