If You’re Hurting, I’ll Feed You First

Sebastian's POV

The walls in my room feel like they're breathing with me.

Fast. Heavy. Unsteady.

I slammed the door shut hours ago. I haven't turned on the lights. Just sat in the dark, back against the bed, forehead to my knees, like I could fold myself into something small enough to disappear.

I haven't cried since I was eleven. But right now, the back of my throat burns like I swallowed fire. My knuckles are red and raw from punching the wall. The shaking won't stop. My head is filled with too much.

He's my father?

He was in this house.

He smiled while I broke things.

I don't even realize I'm whispering, "I hate him," over and over until my voice cracks.

A soft knock on my door.

I freeze.

It creaks open. Warm light spills in. My mother steps in, careful. Quiet.

Like she didn't just see her son lose it downstairs. Like she didn't see the broken glass. Like she didn't see him.

She's holding a tray.

The smell hits me first.

My favorite tea—sweetened just the way I like it. The cookies she bakes from scratch that she only makes when I'm sick. A bowl of hot ramen. My favorite soda. A cool towel. Lip balm. The little things she knows I pretend I don't care about.

"Hey, baby," she says softly, like she's walking into a nursery, not a war zone. "I brought some things."

I stare at her like I'm seeing a ghost. Her eyes are swollen, but she's smiling. Her hands tremble just a bit, but her voice is calm. She sets the tray down on my desk, turns on the lamp by the corner.

I don't speak.

I can't.

She walks over and kneels in front of me.

No anger.

No questions.

No "why, Sebastian?"

No "what have you done?"

She lifts the cool towel and gently presses it to my bruised, bloodied knuckles. Her fingers are featherlight.

"I'm sorry I didn't knock first," she says. "You don't have to talk. I just… I thought maybe your hands hurt."

I can't look at her.

She hums softly under her breath, the same lullaby she used to hum when I was little and scared of the dark. She brushes my hair out of my face.

"I love you, Sebby," she whispers. "I don't care what anyone says. I don't care what you've done. I don't care what I saw. You are my son. And if you're hurting, I'll feed you first. That's just how it works."

I bite my lip. Hard. My throat seizes.

"I'll stay here," she adds. "You can eat, or not eat. You can sleep, or cry, or break another wall. I'll be here. Always."

And just like that, the first tear falls.

Then the second.

And then I'm sobbing.

Ugly, broken sobs into her shoulder as she holds me tighter than she ever has.

She doesn't ask me why.

She doesn't ask me to stop.

She just rubs my back and kisses my hair.

And I think, maybe for the first time in years—I feel safe.