Paul’s place

Monday the 5th of September, 2023.

The north side of Manchester was as bleak as it could ever be on a non winter morning. One of the reasons I hated taking walks like this alone. One of the reasons I stopped taking walks like this after you left.

Bleak sky, cold air and miserable looking chaps, another part of every day life in this dreary land. Everyone’s got a coat on, everyone besides me. The cold seeped in through my light shirt, chilling my skin n bones. But it wasn’t a bother. I’ve begun to like this cold, in fact I was currently thinking about going to someplace colder. Maybe Alaska. You would have hated that.

We used to end walks like this one at Paul’s coffee parlor, the same one you had always loved, the same one we met all those years ago. I still remember that day perfectly well. Funny how much that day had looked so much like this, in fact it was an almost identical day.

The same cold and unforgiving sky, the same dreary faced people trodding through their days, off to work or someplace equally miserable. I was on my way to see a mate of mine, you were on your way to mass.

I was always a clumsy block. Wasn’t watching my way, and I bumped into you and it wasn’t in anyway romantic. You literally went bum first unto the side walk with me standing there like a fool entranced.

A lifetime ago.

What I would give to be standing with you once more, on our way to coffee,on our way to a future that i did not deserve.

I wiped the tears that had found their way done my cheeks. I already seemed crazy walking in this weather with nothing more than a tee and sweatpants. Crying would complete my miser look so perfectly. A woman walking her dog the opposite way was already staring. Fucking English people. Paul’s coffee place was just to the right so I went in for coffee, warmth and refuge.

The old building always had that mossy smell, but it looked a whole lot different now. He’s got a whole new set of tables, and those sofa like chairs that restaurants seem to like these days. Plus everywhere was coated in a new wall of dazzling white paint. Paul still looked the same though, some things never change. His balding crop of gray hair lay on his head in a crazy heap. His eyes still had that crazy look to them, his beard as wild as ever, and his smile still present and brown from all that coffee.

Even the hall still had some old aesthetics. Pictures on the wall of his favorite customers still hung next to the kitchen door. There was fat Pete, Brenda and her dyed blonde hair, that lawyer guy I almost got into a fight with, and the funniest one, the stray cat Bast that always found it’s way in to steal Paul’s donuts. You had wanted to rescue it if I remembered correctly, but I couldn’t stand cats.

And then ours, at the top. You smiling so happily, your grey eyes sparkling, your fiery red hair everywhere. You took up most of the picture with me fighting for space behind you. Very little of me 0could be seen because your freckled face just…

“She isn’t here.” I muttered tiredly. “You’re not here.” The frozen air escaping my lips.

“Josh?” The old friendly voice asked from afar. I looked up to see Paul smiling at me. I didn’t realize I had been standing in the middle of the place like a creep.

“Josh come over here!” He bellowed happily, and so I do. I got to the counter and took a seat on one of his tall bar stools.

“It’s been ages since you came here. I tried to call and reach out, even sent mail but nothing went through. How have you been old friend?” He asked fixing me a worried gaze.

I nodded my head and tried for a smile, but could only manage a weak show of teeth.

“I’m sorry Paul, I haven’t been in a good place these past few months.” I replied sadly. The old man glanced up at the picture on the wall and his smile faded away. With his lips pressed tightly together he placed a hand on my shoulder and asked if I wanted my usual.

“That would be wonderful Paul, thanks.”

He fixed me one last pitiful look and turned to prepare my order. I normally hated that, being the subject of pity, seeming so completely vulnerable. Before the funeral, I had promised myself I was not going to cry. You had gone down fighting, you were the strongest person I knew. Even when the pain had seem so bad you had remained brave.

All I did through those days was cry and feel bad for myself. I even went to mass, me out of everyone at mass begging that man up there to please spare you. To pass me the cross because it was too heavy for just one person. I would carry it, bear the nails, endure the torments.

I would go to a hundred hells if it meant I could take the pain away. But life wasn’t fair, it had never been and I was never going to be able to help.

?And so on that night, when the tulips bloomed outside your windows, and the soft drones of machines came to a halt. On that hour when you could fight no more because you had given everything you had and had given some more, I watched you leave, I watched that smile that had stayed through the worse of it fade and I promised you, I promised myself. I would not weep, your memory was always going to be a joy to me.

The night before the funeral, I made that same promise again and failed miserably. I was venerable and weak. I was a pity and I hated it.

But now, I welcomed it. I needed it. I was so tired Tabitha. So so tired.

“Did I ever tell you.” Paul asked, his voice drawing me back to reality. I looked up to see him standing in front of me, my coffee there as well, filled with cream. Just like we used to have it.

“Did you ever tell me what?” I asked back.

“About my wife.” He replied, his voice low.

“Who? Trisha?” I brought a hand to my face in shame. “I’m sorry Paul, I didn’t even ask. I’ve been an asshole. How is she? And your children and grandkids ?”

The old man sighed. “Trisha’s doing fine and so is everyone else.” I noticed a melancholy tone to his words.

“And what about you Paul?” I asked, he looked so different from the smiling man that had welcomed me in moments before.

“I’m alright Joshua. And by the way, I wasn’t talking about Trisha.” He said and turned to hang his towel on a long nail that protruded out of his wall.

“Before Trisha, before kids like you were born.” He turned to me. “I was married to another woman. We had been friends from childhood, grew in love with each other.” He laughed and stared at the picture of me and my wife.

“You okay Paul?”

The man turned to me and smiled, but his lips held no joy.

“I did the normal teen thing to do like sneak in through her window and spend the night. We’d spend entire days talking and laughing at nothing in particular. Laughing at absolutely nothing. She was my everything Josh.” He chuckled sadly and rested a palm on his counter. “So immediately after high school i proposed and she accepted. We were so young Josh. So young and in love.”

“Young marriages like that, they hardly worked. Everyone called us stupid and indeed we were, but we were happy and that was all that mattered. We found a way to make our home work.”

“I had a little education and was able to grab a job as a clerk and I would leave home every morning and come back home to a smiling and happy wife. We even had a little house, which I got from an uncle.” He sighed and gazed at me, but I knew that look. Looking at one but not seeing him. Looking forward but seeing the past.

“And so we continued on. I was so excited for our future. Amy got pregnant and i could not wait to be a father. Life was good…until one day it wasn’t.” Paul managed those last words with a weak whisper.

“Did she leave you?” I asked. Paul smiled and shook his head

“Life isn’t that kind Joshua. I wish she did. No, life was good until one day I received a call at work from the neighbors. My house was on fire, the firefighters were already there b..bu..” his voice faltered and he wiped his lips with the back of his hand. “Amy was still inside. I rushed home but it was too late.”

I looked at the man with horror in my eyes. “I’m so sorry Paul.” I whispered. Paul smiled at me like I was a crazy person he was seeing for the first time.

“Why? He asked “It happened years ago.And just like you, I spiraled out of control until I realized something. Something I want you to realize. The women we loved and saw futures with, never got the chance to live the life’s they wanted. But one thing I know Amy would have wanted, Heck.” He hit the counter so hard it startled me. “One thing I know Tabitha would have wanted is for you to find a life, one that isn’t so miserable my friend.”

A man came up to the counter next to me and Paul walked over to attend to him, leaving me with my thoughts again. Or almost leaving me to my thoughts when a woman walked in and took the stool next to mine. And as usual I was ready to ignore her when I got a good whiff of her perfume. It smelled so much like Loki, your signature scent. I turned to actually take a look at the person beside me and my eyes fell on a crop of hair, red as a hot furnace, eyes as grey as a dreary cold English rainy sky, skin as pale as snow. A face Beautifully punctuated with freckles, lips as red as roses.

I couldn’t help it, a gasp escaped my lips. The face I was looking at wasn’t the face of a stranger. It was the face of my best friend, my lost love.

I was looking at your face Tabitha.