Baby steps

It's unbelievable. I talk to myself at least twenty times a day, wondering what's wrong with me because I have the ideal life, but for some reason, I am looking outside the box.

I asked myself what do I want to find out genuinely about me, but that's an odd question; because I should know who I am without second-guessing if someone would like me because I have a few things going on in my life.

First, I want to be married and have kids because I am a happy and generous person, but there's one problem, being twenty-five feels old, and I am not ready to be there yet.

I am not ready to let the fire die in my heart because there is something I haven't try in my life that makes me want to settle down.

There's still something missing, and I am ready to find out what it is, which is why I have a dairy, and this is why I need a doctor.

Dont get me wrong, when i say doctor, am not crazy but i do need an expert in love , sympathy or self relection see most of all, this is why I am afraid of being honest with everyone that came into life.

Second, I don't fit into the world no matter how hard I try to conform to society's will because where exactly is that, where do I belong?, I wouldn't know where to start, so I kept asking myself the same question again and again.

I believe that This is the question that every young adult asks because this is common for someone my age.

So again, why am I freaking out?

See, thinking by yourself hurts because I can't think or talk straight and this isn't an understatement, see I can't control my feelings because I feel like they would hold me down and lock me into a room until I can come into the term that I have a choice.

The reality to someone like me is that we all have options, a choice to choose who to love, an alternative to live freely, and hope that someone will love us back as we are.

Well here I am wondering if there's a book, a guide to love freely, or should I say a gay book on how to be gay because this homegirl needs guidance?

To start, I am Baily Bryant Young

BABY or Bay for short and my life is complicated.

In the beginning, there's this girl that I like, and she makes me happy, but if I am honest, we both have a boyfriend.

To continue further, this is a sob story, and right now, you might be thinking; this is the 21st century, you should act on your feelings, so what's the problem.

Well, let me answer that, am not sure, and if you guest that I should ask her out, Well am not sure that would work because I am not sure that she is gay to be exact or even into me.

my heart hurt, so let me rephrase queerness is not so simple as it seems.

I mean what the hell, it's 2019 and I didn't know we placed labels on People still, and by that, I mean label her without making a fool out of myself because I am so happy to be part of her life that I wouldn't want to ask the question.

If I am too dramatic, let me explain,

If you are gay like me, you know what the question is, there is no secret at this point, and Everyone knows the subject, yet we are afraid to ask.

You may ask what's the problem, this question sounds simple right, well, I guess you will found out, but here's a hint.

I wouldn't want to kiss her abruptly. After all, I am awkward because I am a mess around her when we are alone and because She makes me smile a lot.

I am happy around her; I don't have to act like someone else and am ok with that.

I am a smiling mess writing this, and I feel as if I am another person around her, I feel as if I fell in love for the first time.

I couldn't finish my thought on the page , because I was interrupted.

"What you writing."

A sweet voice and the smell of perfume scared me as I bolted from my seat, closing my diary.

"Uh"

I responsded My heart skipped so fast, I knew she was around here, but she is so close.

I was turned around, from my chair seeing that it was my favorite person, brown eyes, red hair, and makeup on a Tuesday.

I smile because she looked stunning and I've forgotten my manners

"Uh"

I abruptly stood up ,stepped away from my seat walking away from her with my notebook in hand, mumbling words that have no sense

"Hey"

She follows me placing a hand on my shoulder

"Everything ok."

It took a minute before I could answer her as I look down at my notebook, and replied softly

"Yeah"

I answered nervously

"Good"

She replies and takes me into a hug; I place my hands around her, holding her close, and I didn't want to let go, but I have to.

"You ok."

She asked again as we break away from each other.

It felt as if she knew that my feelings were more than just a hug because I wanted to answer no, "am not beautiful because you smell lovely", "I love your lipstick, and I secretly want to kiss you", but instead i just smile.

"I needed a hug."

I lied to her, instead of babbling on like an idiot, but it seems that Dannie doesn't mind because she hugged me again and exclaimed.

"Hug me anytime you want."

She's sweet, but she's the devil because I can hear it in her voice, she's lovely, but she has no idea how much in love I am with her.

"Yeah"

Like a schoolgirl with a crush, I replied and walked in the opposite direction watching her stand from a distance, my feet carried me faster then I expect because I needed to be away from her for a while, so I hid in the bathroom.

"This is humiliating."

I whisper staring at my notebook

"This is for work, not love dairies."

I stood near the bathroom still and devise a plan to stay lock in there for 15 to 30 minutes to avoid my feelings of excitement and whispered.

"What will I do if someone finds this"

Cradling the notebook in hand, I continue

"This has to stop, and I have to stop."

From that day on, I knew my actions had consequences, but another question emerges, how will I ever stop.