Kids Tell the Ugly Truth
Kids Tell the Ugly Truth
Chapter Eleven: "What's the Weirdest Thing You've Ever Put in Your Mouth?"
Preface
Some questions are innocent—until you ask them out loud. Tonight's Cards Against Humanity-inspired prompt is one of those gems: "What's the weirdest thing you've ever put in your mouth?" It's a question that can go from playground giggles to adult side-eye in seconds. From toddlers to teens, we're about to get answers that are equal parts hilarious, honest, and maybe just a little bit questionable. And for every answer, we'll throw in a "What Would You Do?" scenario—because the ugly truth is, sometimes you have to make a split-second decision… with your mouth full.
Show Introduction
[The set features a giant open mouth prop filled with silly objects, a "Dare Meter," and the spinning wheel. Tiffany enters with a toothbrush in one hand and a lollipop in the other.]
Tiffany Haddish:
"Welcome back to 'Kids Tell the Ugly Truth!' Tonight, we're getting real—maybe too real—with the question: 'What's the weirdest thing you've ever put in your mouth?' And because we love a good dilemma, I'm going to give each of our panelists a 'What Would You Do?' scenario to see how they'd handle the next big mouth mystery. Let's get weird!"
Tonight's CAH Question:
"What's the weirdest thing you've ever put in your mouth?"
Toddler (3-4 years old):
Statement: "A bug. It was crunchy and it moved!"
Government (CAE): "Tell Mommy right away and get a big drink of water."
Humanity (CAH): "Share my snack with the bug next time—maybe it was hungry too."
Cartel (CAR): "Eat it and see if I turn into Spider-Man."
Karen/Kevin: "Blame it on my big brother for daring me."
CAR Tell Me: "Spit it out and run away yelling 'Ew!'"
What Would You Do?
You're playing outside and see a shiny beetle. Your friend dares you to put it in your mouth. What do you do?
Toddler: "I say, 'No, you do it!' and then run to find Mommy."
Middle Kid (5-9 years old):
Statement: "Play-Doh. It tastes like salty sadness and disappointment."
Government (CAE): "Read the label next time before eating."
Humanity (CAH): "Warn my friends not to try it—it's not like real dough!"
Cartel (CAR): "Mix Play-Doh flavors and see what happens. Maybe rainbow Play-Doh tastes better."
Karen/Kevin: "Complain that it doesn't taste like cookies."
CAR Tell Me: "Make a face, drink juice, and pretend it never happened."
What Would You Do?
You're at a birthday party and someone hands you a mystery snack. It's bright blue and smells weird. What do you do?
Middle Kid: "Take a tiny bite, then hide the rest in my napkin if it's gross."
Preteen (10-12 years old):
Statement: "A dog biscuit. I wanted to know what my dog was eating, but it tastes like cardboard sadness."
Government (CAE): "Ask Mom before trying pet food again."
Humanity (CAH): "Tell my dog we're snack buddies now, but I'm never doing it again."
Cartel (CAR): "Dare my friends to try it too—misery loves company."
Karen/Kevin: "Complain that the dog eats better snacks than I do."
CAR Tell Me: "Brush my teeth three times and hope nobody finds out."
What Would You Do?
You're babysitting and the toddler you're watching offers you a handful of their snack—half of which is already chewed. What do you do?
Preteen: "Pretend to eat it, then toss it in the trash when they're not looking!"
Teenager (13-17 years old):
Statement: "A jalapeño on a dare. I thought I was tough, but I was wrong. So wrong."
Government (CAE): "Check the Scoville scale before eating anything spicy ever again."
Humanity (CAH): "Share the video of my reaction for everyone's entertainment. If you're going to suffer, make it go viral."
Cartel (CAR): "Challenge my friends to a hot pepper eating contest. Go big or go home."
Karen/Kevin: "Complain that nobody warned me it would burn for an hour."
CAR Tell Me: "Chug milk, fan my mouth, and swear off dares forever."
What Would You Do?
You're at a party and someone dares you to eat something labeled "Do Not Eat" from the fridge. What do you do?
Teenager: "Snap a picture, post it to my story, and then… probably eat it anyway. YOLO, right?"
Wildcard Round
Tiffany:
"Wildcard! If you could put anything in your mouth without consequences, what would it be?"
Toddler:
"A whole cake—just for me!"
Middle Kid:
"Every flavor of ice cream at once."
Preteen:
"Pizza, donuts, and candy—no cavities, please."
Teenager:
"Unlimited chips and soda, and never gain a pound."
Tiffany's Take
Tiffany:
"See, y'all, some answers are sweet, some are salty, and some are just plain weird! Whether it's Play-Doh, dog biscuits, or jalapeños, the ugly truth is: we've all put something in our mouths we probably shouldn't have. And when you're faced with a dare, just remember—if it crunches and it's not supposed to, maybe spit it out and run!"
End-of-Episode Credit
Tiffany (on screen):
"Thanks for biting into the truth with us on 'Kids Tell the Ugly Truth.' I'm Tiffany Haddish. For more laughs, wisdom, and questionable snack choices, visit tiffanyhaddish.com. See you next time—don't eat the Play-Doh, and always check the label!"