Guk’s Guide to Not Dying

Guk's Guide to Not Dying (But Mostly Failing)

As recorded by Riri, Royal Historian of Underleaf

...

"Write down good advice," Taku said.So I did.Sort of.

I, Guk, survivor of arrows, fire, and Bonk's surprise stew, will now share everything I know about not dying.These tips are from experience. Real experience. No book stuff. Books don't bleed. Goblins do.

...

Rule #1 – If it's wet and warm, it's probably bad.One time, I was fighting humans. Big ones. Armor like turtles, but less tasty.Something poked my shoulder. At first, I thought: "Huh, did Bonk throw a stick at me again?"But then it got warm. And wet. Not fun warm like soup. Bad warm. Blood warm.

That's when I knew: This is a bad situation.If it feels like stew's leaking from your shoulder, fall down dramatically and start yelling. It worked for me.Bonk cried. Riri panicked. I got soup later. Win-win.

Rule #2 – Listen to Taku. Even when he talks too much.Taku is weird. He builds toilets before watchtowers. Draws lines in dirt like they mean something.Sometimes I think he's just pretending to be smart.

But then he says, "Don't stand there," and two seconds later, BOOM—arrow trap.So now I listen. Especially when he starts mumbling about "structural integrity" and "hydraulics" (whatever those are).I don't understand it, but it usually keeps me alive.

He also invented chess, which I don't get, but I like the little horse guy. He jumps funny.

Rule #3 – If you can't win, confuse them.I once fought a bandit twice my size. He laughed at me.I laughed back. He hesitated.Then I started crying and told him I was pregnant.

He ran away.I was not pregnant. But I was alive.

Rule #4 – Never trust Bonk's stew if it smells like bravery.Bonk says he cooks with "heart." That's a problem.

One time, I ate his stew and woke up seeing colors I didn't know existed.Riri said I spoke fluent Elvish for ten minutes. I don't know any elves.

So now I ask: "Did this stew win a war or cause one?"If he says "both," I skip dinner.

Rule #5 – Pretend to be dead at least once.During the big battle, I got hit. Real bad. Saw stars.Bonk started screaming like I was already ghost-mush.So I laid real still. Very convincing.

Even whispered, "Tell Riri… I liked her mushroom sketches…" for dramatic effect.

Turns out, that gave them time to drag me to safety.Also, Riri punched me later for scaring her.Worth it.

Rule #6 – Healing hurts, but being dead hurts more.Let the healers do their job.Even if it involves biting down on a stick and yelling into a pillow.Just pretend you're a tree during a storm.A yelling, sweaty, angry tree.

Rule #7 – Home is worth hurting for.I used to fight because I liked swinging big sticks.

Now I fight because I don't want little goblins to lose their bedtime stories.Or Riri to cry over burned scrolls.Or Bonk to cook sad stew alone.

Taku says we're building a nation.I don't know what that means yet.But I know when I wake up and hear goblins laughing, chickens yelling, and soup bubbling…I want to keep that sound forever.

...

Final Note (Riri's transcription):

Guk cannot read or write, so this entire journal was dictated from his bed over several afternoons, with much gesturing, dramatic reenactments, and sound effects.I corrected the spelling, not the spirit.

He asked me to title it:"Guk's Guide to Not Dying (But Mostly Failing)"(Alternate Title: How to Win a War by Being Loud and Bleeding with Style)

Taku approved its inclusion in the Underleaf Archive.I think it deserves its own chapter.

— Riri, Royal Historian