Chapter 12. Dancing With Our Hands Tied.

"I'd kiss you as the lights went out. Swaying as the room burned down. I'd hold you as the water rushes in. If I could dance with you…again."

The warm breeze sifted through my hair as I got up and stepped back into my room, stopping in the doorway. The room was a mess. His shirt was still hanging on the edge of the bed. My bathing suit crumpled near the bathroom. A misplaced shoe halfway under the bed. Evidence of whatever we'd done, even if I couldn't remember it.

I let out a soft, breathy laugh, shaking my head. How the hell did we even get here?

Last week, I could barely stand him. My sworn enemy. And now… now I was wondering what he'd felt like wrapped around me.

A slow heat spread through me at the thought, and then…Erik. A pang hit my chest. This entire time, I hadn't even thought about him. Not once.

The last time he crossed my mind was when Justin and I kissed during the game, and even then, I had wished it was Erik. Wished it was his lips on mine.

But now…imagining Erik tangled up with me the way Justin had been…

The heat inside me shifted, into something else. A nervous pit in my stomach.

Like I wasn't ready for that with Erik. Like I needed things to stay perfect between us—clean, easy, untouched. Not complicated. Not this.

I now sat at the edge of the bed, my breath uneven as confusion, curiosity, and guilt wrapped around me like a noose, tightening with every thought. I really like Erik. He's sweet, charming, thoughtful…a million things Justin isn't.

So why can't I stop thinking about how Justin felt?

Frustration crawled through my chest as I threw myself back against the mattress, yanking the covers over me like they could protect me from my reality. I turned onto my side, my gaze drifting to the spot where Justin had been when we woke up.

I wish he would tell me what he was thinking.

What he was feeling.

If he was wondering about me the way I was wondering about him. The way I've never wondered about anyone before. 

Moments passed, and I could feel myself dozing off, my body heavy, my thoughts drifting. I let my eyes slip closed, hoping—just for a second—that I'd get one flash of a memory. Just one moment to tell me whether I should stop wondering about Justin like this… or if it was worth the space it was consuming.

A sharp buzz pulled me from the edge of sleep.

Dani: "Good morning sunshine! Partied too hard last night? Mals told me you woke up sick."

August: "Partied harder than I ever thought I would."

Dani: "We'll be out most of the day, but we'll bring lunch/dinner. Justin got sick too. What happened after we went to bed? did y'all keep drinking?"

August: "We finished a new bottle of Belvedere, don't know how I didn't get alcohol poisoning. It was rough. But okay, see you later."

I dropped my phone beside me, hoping she wasn't suspicious. Dani was quick to pick up on things, and if she even sensed something was off, I wouldn't be able to hide it from her.

I sighed, closing my eyes again, willing myself to fall back asleep—

Then, it hit me.

I gasped, jolting upright.

Justin's hands were tight around my waist. His lips, hot, insistent, on my neck. My body wrapped around his on the balcony couch as his mouth traced over my skin, leaving a trail of heat.

The memory disappeared as fast as it came.

Why? Why did I want to remember so badly? I should be regretting it. I should be trying to push it out of my mind. But the only thing I regretted was not remembering more.

And then, almost like I had conjured him, Justin walked in, coffee in each hand, a soft smile spread across his face. I sucked in a breath, pressing my fingers to my neck, as if I could pull more of the memory forward.

"I wasn't sure how you took your coffee, so I'll be right back with the rest," Justin said, setting the mugs down on the dresser before disappearing again.

I exhaled sharply, trying to steady myself, but my pulse was still ringing in my ears.

When he returned, he was balancing a tray of food, carefully setting it on the edge of the bed. Then, without hesitation, he walked over and handed me one of the mugs. I took it, fingers brushing his for just a second too long. And as he sat across from me, I couldn't stop thinking about the way his hands had felt on me last night. The way I had never felt like this about anyone before. Not even Erik.

 I grabbed the spoon and poured two scoops of sugar into my coffee, followed by a small splash of milk. Justin watched me intently, and I had wondered if he sensed anything from the way I'm still trying to even my breathing. 

"Hopefully the bread will help absorb any alcohol still left in your stomach, if you even have anything left. I'm pretty sure you left everything in the toilet." He let out a soft laugh and I could feel my shoulders relax. I grabbed the toast and spread a small amount of butter before taking a small bite. I wasn't sure if I even wanted to eat but I figured it couldn't hurt. He finally broke his gaze from me as he started preparing his coffee. 

"Thank you, hopefully this helps me wake up or if anything relaxes me." I smiled at him as I sipped my coffee. The way he was watching me sent my thoughts swirling and I don't know why but I couldn't hold them in any longer. 

"Can I ask you a weird question?" I finally muttered. He stared at me for a few seconds before returning to his coffee. 

"Yeah, anything." He responded, looking back at me now, waiting for me to ask. He could tell I was tensing up so he shared a soft smile. 

"Is it bad that I want to remember, not just about what we did but about what it was like?" I could feel the heat crawling up my neck when I spoke but I just couldn't stop the words from coming out of my mouth. He paused and exhaled sharply, looking down at his coffee before bringing it to his lips like he needed a second to stall. A shadow passed over his face, like he was weighing the right answer, whether to be honest or say what he thought I wanted to hear. 

"Uhm… no? I don't think so," he said, but his voice was quieter now. He ran a hand through his hair, eyes flicking up to mine before darting away. "I mean, it was your first time. I don't blame you for wanting to remember what it was like."

There was something unsaid in his tone, something that made my stomach tighten. Like he wasn't just talking about me. 

"I just keep finding myself trying to remember, and I can't seem to turn it off. Like right before you walked in…" I hesitated, nerves climbing up my throat, but I pushed through. "I had a flashback of us. We were on the balcony and you were kissing my neck and..." I swallowed, looking down at my coffee. "I just can't turn off the wanting to know, and I feel kinda weird about it."

Silence.

I forced myself to look up, and the moment I did, I wished I hadn't. Justin's jaw had gone tight, and he was gripping his coffee mug like he was holding onto something for dear life. His throat bobbed as he swallowed hard, but he didn't speak right away. When he finally did, his voice was different, lower, more cautious.

"You… remembered that?"

I wish I knew what he was thinking. He's walking on eggshells, like one wrong word might break me. Like I'm fragile. But I'm not…not in the way he thinks.

I want to tell him that. I want to tell him I'm almost grateful this happened, that the pressure is finally gone. That I don't feel ruined or ashamed, just… free.

And more than anything, I want to tell him that if he wanted me…if he kissed me right now, if he touched me, if he pulled me under him…I wouldn't stop him.

I would let him. With every part of me, I would mean it.

But instead, I said—"Yeah, but that's all I remember. Is there anything else you remember?" My voice was softer than I intended. I looked at him, searching his face, hoping…begging for honesty. His gaze traveled over my face, dipping briefly to my lips before finding my eyes again. There was something heavy in the way he stared, something just on the edge of slipping out. Just say it. Just tell me. His lips parted like he was about to, and for a second, I swore he might—

My phone rang.

The sound cut between us like a blade. I inhaled sharply and shifted, reaching for it. Erik. Fuck.

I hesitated, staring at the screen, my heart suddenly pounding for an entirely different reason. I didn't know if I wanted to answer. Not now. Not when I was still caught in this moment with Justin.

If I answer, Justin might close back up, and I'll never get my answer. I'll never know if he was thinking about me like that, if I was just a mistake to him or something else. But if I ignore it…what does that say about me? About what I really want?

Because Erik, well he's everything I should want. Everything I've ever wanted. Like I manifested him for myself, my perfect ending wrapped in a clean, untangled bow. But it's still so new. So uncertain. 

And then there's Justin. Messy, complicated, impossible Justin. Who looks at me like he's on the edge of saying something that could ruin everything. Or change everything.

I've never felt so torn.

My gut is screaming at me. So, for once I put myself first and I listen to it.

I sent the call to voicemail.

The moment my thumb tapped the screen, I released a quick breath I had bundled up in my chest. My heart was pounding, like I've just stepped over a line I can't go back from. But instead of regret, there's something else. A quiet kind of relief. I pulled myself away from my phone, dropping it on the other side of me and looked back at Justin who was sitting there watching me, waiting for me. 

"Sorry it was just a scam call." I could feel the pit in my stomach grow with the lie I told. I looked back down at my half eaten food and I realized I'm no longer hungry. I just want to know what he's thinking. Ignoring Erik's call and lying about it to Justin leaves me unsettled. But I needed answers.

"I'm sorry you were saying?" I said as I fixed my gaze back to him, pushing my plate to the side. He stood up and moved the tray and everything we had on the bed to the dresser then sat himself further onto the bed. Closer to me. 

"I…" he stopped again, looking at his hands like they held the answers he couldn't seem to find. "I keep thinking about last night, about... what happened." He looked at me then, his eyes hovering briefly to the marks he left on my neck. I could see the hesitation in his gaze, like he wanted to say something, but was holding back.

My heartbeat quickened. "What do you mean?" I tried to keep it casual, but my voice gave me away.

He cleared his throat, half-smiling but still unsure. "I don't know… I keep replaying it. And then I remember... you were looking over the balcony, and I was behind you..." His voice dropped a little as his eyes lingered on my neck. "And I might've gotten a little carried away with the marks."

I couldn't help but smirk. "So there's no doubt these came from you, huh?" I gestured to the now barely visible bruises he'd left, leaning in slightly to lighten the mood.

He chuckled softly, but there was something else in his eyes. Something… deeper. "Yeah, no doubt," he said, his smirk matching mine, but there was a glimmer of something else there, like he was trying to keep it light but couldn't quite mask the sincerity underneath.

I swallowed. "You don't have to act like it's no big deal. I'm not gonna break, you know." My voice came out quieter than I intended, the words more vulnerable than I was ready to admit.

He shifted closer, his tone light but his eyes serious. "I'm not worried about you breaking, August." He paused, a slight frown tugging at his lips. "But I don't exactly know how to... not act like I just didn't take your virginity."

The words hung between us for a moment, my chest tightening as I tried to swallow the knot in my throat.

I could feel the heat rush to my face, and I quickly looked down at my hands, the familiar sting of nerves setting in. I should have been embarrassed. But for some reason, it didn't feel that way. Instead, I felt an unexpected rush of clarity. I cleared my throat and looked back at him, trying to match his casual tone but failing miserably.

"I don't regret it," I said, my voice quieter now. "Not... not really. I just wish I could remember more. That's the only thing I regret. Not remembering more of what happened."

He blinked, a hint of surprise crossing his face, but there was no judgment in his gaze, just understanding.

"I think I'm just... trying to make sense of it all," I continued, feeling the weight of the moment settle in between us. "It wasn't supposed to happen like this. It was supposed to be perfect, it was supposed to be on my wedding night, with my husband, yet here we are and I don't feel any sort of regret."

He swallowed hard, and I could see the hesitation on his face before he spoke again. "I... I just can't shake this feeling that I took advantage of the situation. You were drunk, and I was too but I... I don't even know if you truly wanted it that way. I know I wanted it, sure, but not like this, I don't want to be that guy. The one who... took something from you without really knowing if you were ready." He exhaled sharply, his gaze dropping to his hands. "I'm torn, August. I want to know what it was like—what it was like for you. I want to know if I was even able to…But I also feel like I crossed a line that shouldn't have been crossed."

His words hit me like a wave, and for a split second, I wasn't sure what to say. But then, it hit me. I'd been avoiding it, hiding from it even. I wanted him. And not just in the messy way we'd experienced it. There was something deeper simmering beneath it all. The way my body reacted to him, the way my mind kept replaying moments with him.

God, why is this so complicated? I thought to myself, staring at him, trying not to let the truth slip out too quickly. The truth that, yeah, I was nervous. I was still figuring out how to physically be with someone like Justin, with all the baggage and chemistry we clearly had between us. But I couldn't deny it—I was drawn to him, more than I cared to admit. Like a gravitational pull I couldn't resist. I wasn't ready to face those feelings. Not yet. But, still, I couldn't pretend I didn't want it too.

I reached out and placed a hand on his arm, just a light touch, but enough to ground him. "Justin…" I said, my voice soft but steady, "I get it. I hear what you're saying, but I don't want you to feel guilty. We were both drunk. But sitting here and thinking about it…I can't keep pretending I didn't want it too."

I could see the change in his expression as my words sank in. The tension that had been pulling at the corners of his mouth seemed to ease, just slightly, and his eyes moved up to meet mine, soft but searching. For a moment, there was something almost... expectant in his gaze.

"Really?" he asked, his voice a little quieter now, a little less guarded.

The curiosity in his voice was undeniable, and I could see it pulling him closer to me—not physically, but emotionally. He was starting to shed the weight of guilt, replacing it with something lighter. Something almost daring.

I nodded, my heart thudding in my chest, not entirely sure where this was going, but feeling a spark of something I hadn't expected. Something I hadn't allowed myself to feel.

"Yeah." I said, the words more confident than I felt. The weight of my own guilt about wanting to know more, about wanting to remember, had started to lift. It didn't feel wrong to be curious about him anymore. And it didn't feel like some mistake that I was starting to realize just how much I wanted to.

He seemed to study me for a moment, like he was trying to figure out if I was telling the truth, but there was something more in his eyes now. A kind of relief that I could feel radiating off him.

"I didn't expect you to say that," Justin admitted, his voice lowering, making the air between us feel thick with a different kind of tension. "But... I'm glad you did."

His words made something shift inside of me, a kind of understanding that, despite everything, this wasn't some big mess we needed to fix. We were just two people navigating something new, something unexpected. And maybe it was okay to want it. To want him.

I let my gaze linger on him, feeling a little bolder. Maybe I wasn't completely sure about where this would lead, but at least I wasn't afraid of where it could go. Maybe I could just... let myself explore it.

"You didn't expect it? Really? After our truth and dare kiss?" I said teasingly. I squinted my eyes slightly at him with a smirk on my face.

He gave a small chuckle, leaning in a little closer, his tone turning more serious but still playful. "You know, the last truth or dare kiss? Yeah, I kissed you like that on purpose. Figured if we were going to do it, might as well really make it count." He smirked, his eyes lingering on me. "It was...hot, though. Guess you don't just forget something like that."

"I knew you did that on purpose! There is no way someone kisses like that during truth or dare. I expected a quick peck but not as Dani put it, 'the whole scene.'" And finally, the tension was fully broken. We both laughed, no longer holding our guards up.

He leaned back slightly, looking at me with a playful grin. "I mean, you were hard to resist in the bathing suit you wore yesterday," he started, his voice a little lower, teasing. "Now that's the kind of thing Erik's waiting for to seal your first kiss. Did numbers for me, though—clearly."

"Hey, leave him out of this. I like him!" I exclaimed playfully.

"You really like him?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, I do. I mean, it's new and different, and I'm confused, but I really do like him," I added, feeling my chest tighten slightly.

"Confused about what?" he asked, his gaze sharpening.

"I don't know… about you? About him? Maybe even about me?"

His eyebrows perked. "What are you confused about with me?"

"I… I don't quite know yet. I know we're very different people who want very different things, and I'm okay with that, but there's just… a pull. I don't know how to explain it. I've been feeling it since yesterday, and no matter how hard I try to shake it off, I can't. I think that's why I've been feeling so… weird. I know I shouldn't feel this way. I like Erik, but there's something about you I can't quite pin down."

My heart was pounding in my chest through the whole admission, but I felt a little lighter now that the weight was off my shoulders.

The moment hung between us before he gave a small, teasing smirk. "So, you're saying there's something about me you can't shake off?" His voice was light, but his eyes, those eyes were harder to read. "I mean, I always knew I was hard to forget."

I rolled my eyes, trying to hide how his words sent a small jolt through me. He was too good at this, now he was too comfortable in his own skin. "Oh please, not this again."

He leaned back slightly, his smirk widening as he read me. "Can't deny it, huh?" he said, his tone suddenly serious but still with that teasing edge. "If you can't figure it out, how am I supposed to? I'm no mind reader… but I can't exactly say I haven't felt something, too."

The teasing was still there, but his eyes softened a little. "You think I don't get it?" he added with a hint of amusement in his voice, leaning back just enough to give me some space. "I'm right here, trying to figure this out, just like you. But I'm not gonna lie…" His voice dropped lower, leaning forward again, "It's hard to ignore when you're laying in front of me looking like this."

The air between us felt charged, almost electric. He leaned in just enough for me to feel the heat of his proximity, and then almost teasingly he whispered, "But guess we'll just have to see what happens, won't we?"

And there it was. The gravitational pull. The irresistible feeling I've been getting around him. And he knows it all too well. The smirk he wears, the confidence he exudes. I think he knows exactly what I'm thinking as my gaze falls to his lips.

"What's on your mind, August?" His eyes follow mine, locking onto my lips.

"A lot," I managed to say, my voice betraying the swirl of emotions rising within me.

The tension built between us, pressing on my chest like it's too much to bear. I leaned in just a little, crossing a line that felt impossibly thin. My eyes stayed fixed on his lips. The lips I wanted to taste again. Was it the liquor? The rawness of our shared stories? Or maybe it was just this magnetic pull I hadn't noticed before.

He leaned closer, the space between us shrinking with every breath. And then, suddenly, there was no space left at all. My lips found his.

At first, it was slow. Tentative. Almost like we were both testing the waters, unsure if the heat we felt was real or just a momentary lapse in judgment. But then it deepened, as if the world around us blurred out, leaving just the two of us in this tangled moment. My hand found its way to his chest, feeling the steady thrum of his heartbeat beneath my palm. He kissed me like he wanted to savor it, like he couldn't get enough of the taste of me.

The pressure of his lips against mine sent a wave of heat flooding through me, setting every nerve on edge. His hand slipped to the back of my neck, pulling me closer, if that was even possible, his breath mingling with mine. I could feel the steady beat of his pulse through our kiss, matching the erratic rhythm of my own heart. Every touch, every shift of his mouth, seemed to be drawing out something deeper, something I wasn't sure I knew how to face but couldn't stop wanting.

I lost track of time. My mind was a blur of sensations, his scent, the warmth of his skin, the feel of his hand at the back of my neck.

Everything else faded, and for a moment, it was just the kiss, just the undeniable chemistry between us that had been building since…since we first met.

He pulled back just enough to breathe, his forehead resting against mine, both of us panting softly, as though we were trying to find our bearings. His eyes were dark, searching mine for some sign, some clue to where we went from here. I couldn't help but smile, though it was a little shaky. "Guess that was... something," I said, my voice low, still tinged with the heat of the kiss.

He didn't say anything at first, just looked at me, the same smirk tugging at the corner of his lips.

But this time, there was something different behind it. Something that wasn't just playful, but knowing. "Yeah," he replied softly, his thumb brushing over my lip as if he couldn't help but touch me just a little longer. "It was." 

We finally pulled apart completely. My heart was racing out of my chest, my body tingling all over, like it wanted something. Wanted more. I couldn't wipe the smirk off of my face and Justin couldn't either. But then his face twisted slightly. Like a flicker of regret crossed his face. And then in an instant he got off of the bed. 

"I'll be back I'm just uhm gonna go to the restroom," he walked to the bathroom and that only deepened my confusion.

Did I read this completely wrong?