Chapter 19. Afterglow.

"Hey, it's all me, in my head. I'm the one who burnt us down but it's not what I meant. I'm sorry that I hurt you."

I waited for more. For an explanation. But nothing came. He said nothing more than 'I'm sorry'. He shifted his body back to the horizon and his elbows dropped to his knees while his face fell in his hands. He went stiff, and didn't move. I didn't want to pry but I deserved answers. I needed them. To move forward, I needed to know what was this apology for? For stringing me along even though we said no strings attached? For not being as tethered in this as I was? Or was his apology something more lingering on the surface? I had to know. 

I swallowed hard, my voice barely above a whisper. "Please don't just say 'I'm sorry' and leave it at that. I need to know…what does that mean? 

He didn't answer right away, he stayed stiff with his face in his hands still. The silence began to stretch between us and I could feel the weight of it all pressing hard against my chest. 

I felt my stomach flutter. "I don't know what that means Justin," I tried again, my voice came out shakier than I intended. "Sorry for what exactly? For this? For me? For not knowing what it is you want?" I caught my breath but I couldn't stop the words from tumbling out. "Are you sorry because you don't have the answers? Or because you do, and you just don't want to say them out loud? Just—" I exhaled sharply, shaking my head. "Just tell me what you're sorry for."

He hesitated again, and I can almost hear the gears turning in his head as he searched for the right words. He finally pulled his face out of his hands and turned to look at me. His eyebrows furrowed deep together. "I'm sorry," he repeats, this time softer, like the weight of it is sinking in. "I'm sorry because I know we can't keep doing this. But I'm also sorry because it's not that easy. August. I'm sorry for pushing every boundary with you when I know you might've not been ready. I have a million things to be sorry about but what I'm most sorry about is for not wanting to stop. I look at you and…I want you to sit on my face." He let out a soft laugh and I couldn't help but laugh a little as he continued, "I replay every moment we've shared these last couple of days and I don't want to stop. But I know neither of us want more than just sex from each other. So I'm trying to find my footing with you. I'm trying to figure out how we can hookup one night and be friends the next. But I don't have the answers. So that's why I'm sorry." He let out a long exhale. "I don't know how to not hurt Hannah in the process of wanting to feed my own selfish needs. And I don't know how I'm going to face Erik after this… after wanting you so badly." 

There was a shift in the air as he let out his final words. The realization hit me all at once. He was grappling with his emotions just as much as I was. The internal pull I usually feel towards him was quiet. For once I didn't want to jump on him after he admitted just how badly he wanted me. Something that normally would have driven me crazy, I wouldn't have hesitated a second longer. But right now all I wanted to do was hug him. To tell him I understand the depth of his confusion more than either of us would care to say out loud. A small smile crept on my face. 

"I'm sorry too." I let my head fall back on the couch and I stared up at the sky. The weight of his apology is pressing on me but not in a negative way. I began losing myself in the way the stars sparkled above us. My thoughts from before calmed down, like his apology switched something off in me. I was lost in thought when his voice broke through. 

"Wanna do something crazy?" His voice filled the space in the air. I fixed my gaze over to him and he had an ear to ear grin. I felt confusion trickle over my face. "Crazy? Like…?" I responded. 

"Just trust me!" He stood up and extended his hand out. What the hell was he thinking? After everything we just talked about, I knew he couldn't be suggesting that. I hesitated for less than a second before I threw my hand in his and he helped me off the couch. We walked back into my room and he began looking around the room like he was looking for something specific. He opened the closet door.

"Bingo." He whispered. He pulled out a small stack of bed sheets, grabbed one and put the rest back. I was even more confused now than before. 

"Keep your blanket on and grab your flip flops. Come on!" He seemed eager so I did as he asked. We tiptoed out of my room and down the stairs hoping not to wake anyone. The house was silent, the soft wind shook the windows and the distant waves crashed against the shore. 

We came to a dead stop when we got to the kitchen, and he leaned over to me. "Are you hungry?" 

"It's two in the morning! Justin! What are we doing!?" I whispered back playfully but eventually nodded my head yes. He walked into the pantry and began rummaging through it. He walked out with a bag of chips and a bottle of wine. I couldn't help but laugh. I had no idea what we're doing, no idea why I'm even going along with it but somehow that's completely okay with me. He grabbed a random bag that was laying around, put the stuff in it and we made our way over to the front door. Opening it as quietly as we could and closing it just the same. 

Once we made it outside I grabbed his arm and pulled him back.

"Justin, what are we doing? I need to know before we leave!" I whispered. 

I could barely see him in the dark, the only light was the moon above us. His silhouette faced mine. 

He laughed for a split second, "We're going on a little adventure."

I can't even imagine what he means when he says 'a little adventure'. I don't know if I should just blindly go. 

"Uhm…What kinda adventure?" I asked, hoping to pull more information out of him.

"The kind where you trust me and hope I don't lead you off a cliff." He laughed quietly, "I think we need a break from reality, pretend like we weren't just bursting at the seams earlier. August, I don't know where we go from here, but just for tonight—can we not figure it out? Can we just be?" He threw his arm around my shoulder and pulled me into a tight hug. I didn't fight it. I could use a break from all the seriousness, from all the moments we've stolen, from all the never ending battles. I just want to be. 

"Okay." I whispered back. We started making our way through the street. I had no idea where we were going but I was going to trust him, blindly. I reached for his arm, and looped my arm in between his. He didn't fight me on it. We made our way through the street, walking for what felt like forever until we stopped at a trail. The same trail I took earlier today. My heart skipped a beat thinking I was here earlier, trying to escape him and now here I was, holding on to him.

"How do you know about this trail?" I asked him as I took the first step past the big rock. 

"I looked it up a while back, I knew I wanted to go hiking at some point, this is one I wanted to hike." He took my hand and helped me over the first steep hill. We made our way through the trail, mainly in silence but every once in a while we would talk. When we weren't making mindless chatter, the crickets were louder than anyone, and the frogs fought for the spotlight. Having lived here, I was used to all the creature noises. But every once in a while, Justin would get scared, which always sent me into a laughing fit. We finally made it to the top, and the night sky stretched over the same place I had been earlier. We both stopped in our tracks when we heard the waves crash against the cliff wall. The sound filled every empty space I felt. The fresh air hitting even harder.

"This is the hike I took earlier." I confessed as I let go of his hand and stretched lightly.

"Really? What are the odds?" He laughed and started to look for a piece of flat ground. When we finally found what he was looking for he laid out the flat sheet. He took a seat first, I hesitated,truthfully, I wasn't even sure why. Part of me still felt cautious around him. He patted the seat next to him and I obliged, I sat down and I wrapped my blanket tighter around me as the wind blew through us. 

"Are you cold?" I asked, noticing him shivering slightly. He was wearing shorts and a sleeveless shirt—hardly the best choice for a late-night hike.

He laughed, glancing down at his shorts, then nodded. I took my blanket off and wrapped it around him. Seconds later, I sat directly in front of him, took a deep breath, and leaned back against his chest, letting him wrap the blanket around us. I leaned back on him and he held me. No words needed to be exchanged, this was our moment, regardless of what it meant. I reached for the bottle of wine he brought. The bottle was a twist top, so I twisted it open and took the first sip. It was a moscato… the easiest wine to drink I thought. I took another big sip before handing it back to him. He grabbed the bottle and took a big swig before he set it on the ground. We still hadn't said anything. We didn't need to. I matched my breathing to his, willing myself to stay steady, to ignore the anxious buzz beneath my skin. We had a lot of unspoken communication. Something I've never shared with anyone before but I still felt uneasy. Like somehow it shouldn't feel this easy. 

I took a deep breath before cutting the silence.

"How did we get here?" I asked, not realizing I said it out loud, it was more of a rhetorical question than anything, like I had said it before thinking. But now that it was out in the open I eagerly waited for his response. 

"Sex," he said, almost amused. "It always comes back to sex, doesn't it?" he laughed but he wasn't wrong. We had gotten here because of it. I felt so conflicted because of it. Sex, always sex. I thought to myself.

"Yeah, you're probably right," I whispered, trying not to break the stiffness I felt. We laid there for a few more minutes in silence.

"I…know we're not supposed to be figuring anything out right now…"

"No please, let that be an issue for tomorrow, right now I just want to hold you and pretend everything's okay. Just for tonight." He pulled me in tighter and I didn't resist, falling further back into him. Just for tonight. I repeated to myself. I reached for the bottle and took another drink, hoping to further silence my thoughts. 

"Do you believe in aliens?" I asked as I tilted my head back and stared directly above us. I could feel his chest move from his quiet laughter. 

"Yeah it would be crazy to think we're the only beings in the universe." He stiffened slightly and I could feel a shift in his posture. He leaned into me instead of leaning back. 

"I used to be terrified of getting abducted," I admitted. "Like, genuinely thought I'd wake up floating in some spaceship." 

He let out a quiet chuckle. "I used to hope I would be."

I paused for a moment and tilted my head slightly trying to see his face, but he kept his eyes glued to the sky. 

"You're joking!" I laughed a little, though I didn't think he was.

"Half-joking," he muttered, grabbing the bottle from my hand and taking a long drink. "I used to think it'd be nice to just…disappear. Like maybe if some aliens took me, I'd finally be somewhere safe." 

A lump formed in my throat. I didn't know what to say to that. So I didn't say anything. 

Instead I grabbed the edges of the blanket and tightened it around us so he'd be closer to me. He pulled me closer and leaned his chin on my shoulder. We sat quietly, letting our breathing match to one another, just staring off into space. 

These small moments we shared made me feel like everything was going to be okay in the end. It's going to get uncomplicated and maybe we won't go back to how it was but we will find a new normal. 

He shifted slightly and grabbed the bottle of wine again, this time offering it to me first. I took a sip and handed it back to him. "So what was your major in school?" He asked. His question kind of threw me off, I hadn't expected him to finally break our silence. 

"Oh uhm I wanted to be an environmental lawyer. So I was majoring in environmental science with a minor in oceanography, hence Hawaii." I gestured to the ocean in front of us, still being unable to see it but we definitely could hear it. 

"Environmental law? Really?" He stuck his head out far enough from my shoulder to meet my eyes, his eyebrow raised, questioning my answer. 

"My dad was an environmental scientist and even though I didn't get to learn anything from him it always intrigued me. I've wanted to be a lawyer ever since I was little, Elle Woods was my hero growing up." I laughed, reminiscing of my childhood days. "I know I'm not confrontational but I can hold up my end in a debate." 

"Let me guess you were in the debate club in high school." He laughed but he wasn't wrong. 

"I was the captain actually." I turned to look at his reaction. He laughed and threw his head back, letting himself fall back on the ground behind him. He put his hands behind his head and laid there for a moment looking up at the sky. I stood up from between his legs and laid down next to him. He took the blanket from behind us and threw it over us. Finding his way back to his spot. 

"So what did you want to be when you were little? Besides a baseball superstar of course." I shifted my head to look at him. He held his gaze up to the sky for a moment. Finally he turned to look at me. 

"For as long as I could remember I wanted to be a firefighter like my old man but the worse he got the more I hated him and then obviously the last thing I wanted to be was a firefighter." He let out a short exhale. "I'm happy where I'm at. I make really good money, I bought my own house, I get to travel the world and I have no complaints."

 "What?! No more childhood dreams of being a hero? You want your kids to grow up and be what… project managers? Boring!" I teased him trying to relieve some of the heaviness. 

He hesitated for a moment until he said, "nah I don't want kids so I don't gotta worry about inspiring them." He laughed for a second then shifted his gaze over to me. 

"Really? How come?" I wasn't sure if I should ask, I know that's kind of a personal question but I was curious. Most people want kids. 

"I never wanted to risk turning into him. Like maybe if I had kids something in me would switch. And nobody deserves to go through what my mom and I did." He finally looked away from me. I wanted to tell him he was wrong. I wanted to tell him that he would never be him but the reality is I'm barely getting to know him and while I doubt he is like his father or would become like him it doesn't feel like my place. 

"Well I think your hypothetical children are going to be missing out on a great dad." I playfully nudged his arm with mine. 

"What about you? Is it your dream to be a mom?" 

I paused for a moment, I hadn't given it much thought hardly ever. I know someday I would want kids but a dream? No. 

"I wouldn't say it's my dream to be a mom but I'm not opposed to it. I think the shit with my mom definitely makes me see motherhood differently. Maybe one day. After I pass the bar exam." I laughed. 

"You thinking about going back to school now that you're free from her shackles?" 

Another thing I hadn't given much thought to. 

"I told myself once my mom was cancer free I would go back to school, at least to community college. But now that I know she never even had cancer…I don't know. Truthfully. I don't even know where I'm going to live when I get back." Saying it out loud made it feel real, and a cold knot twisted in my stomach because I really had no idea where I was going to live. I know I can't go back home and neither would I want to go back. "I know I could probably crash with Mallory but if she gets back with Mark I want no part in that. I know I can always lean on her parents but I don't want to burden them more than I already have." 

"I don't think they see you as a burden, August. Frank clearly sees something in you that you have yet to see in yourself." His voice softened and he put his arm around me. 

"I'm definitely a burden in some form," I laughed. "Mr. Marino literally paid my tuition. I owe them my life, I don't want to add yet another thing to the list." I shook my head, still laughing. "Nah I really am grateful to her family. Especially Frank. He's like the dad I never had. And believe me when I asked for a job the last thing I expected was to be a project manager. I thought he was going to have me be an assistant or something."

"See, he knows there's something in you worth keeping." He nudged me lightly and I felt my cheeks flush, warmth spreading through me at the thought that maybe, just maybe, he was right. 

I turned my head to look at him, raising an eyebrow. "You're surprisingly good at pep talks, you know that?

He shrugged, a smug grin on his face. "Don't get used to it. I have a reputation to maintain."

"Oh I know. We don't need anyone thinking you actually have a heart."

He laughed at first then gasped, pressing his chest in offense. "I'll have you know I'm loved by many."

"Yeah? Name one. And Dani and Marshall don't count!" 

"Oh come on! Fine…hmm…" He opened his mouth then closed it. "Well you're here so you clearly don't think I'm that awful." 

I rolled my eyes, playing along. "Or maybe I just really wanted to see the stars. And you had wine. I couldn't resist." 

He lifted the empty bottle of wine with a smirk.

 "Guess we finished the wine." I said as I grabbed the bottle from his hand. 

"Tragic." He looked over his shoulder toward the path we took. "Think we should head back down?" 

I sat up and pulled my phone out, squinting at the time. "Or…" I paused, calculating. "We could just wait a little longer and catch the sunrise!"

He glanced at me, a spark of curiosity in his eyes. "You're really milking this stargazing thing, huh?" 

I shrugged, settling back next to him. "If we're already out here, might as well get the full experience. Besides, if you think the Hawaiian sunsets are gorgeous, wait till you see the sunrise."

His expression softened for a brief moment before he put on his signature smirk. "Fine, but if you fall asleep I'm leaving you out here." 

"Oh whatever! I'm not going to fall asleep! I already took a nap, so if anyone falls asleep it's going to be you." I poked him on the side causing him to twitch. 

"Don't start something you don't want to finish, August." His smirk deepend. I poked him again this time on his chest. "August… I'm warning you." He tried being serious but he broke character and let out a small laugh. So I poked him again, this time he grabbed me by my wrist when I pulled back. His grip tightened and with his other hand he reached over to start tickling me. I gasped trying to pull away but he had me trapped. 

"No! Stop!" I laughed, struggling in his hold, but my body betrayed me, bursting with laughter instead of resistance. 

He grinned, his eyes full of mischief as he tickled my side, his fingers digging into sensitive spots he knew would make me lose control. "You started it," he teased.

"I'm…hah…seriously going to–stop!" I tried to squirm but I couldn't escape his grasp. The more I wiggled the harder he tickled. My breath caught as I attempted to roll to the side, but his arm snaked around my waist, pulling me back into him. "You're really asking for it now," he murmured, a smirk spreading across his face. 

I laughed harder, kicking my legs in a desperate attempt to get free. "Okay, okay! I give up!" I squealed, gasping for air, but he didn't stop. Instead he shifted his body, rolling us over until I was pinned beneath him. 

My hands rested flat against his chest, trying to push him off but it was no use, he had me where he wanted me. In the heat of the moment, I gripped his shirt and using the last of my strength, managed to roll him off of me. But in the process he grabbed my waist, I ended up straddling him. 

His eyes widened slightly, his hands resting on my hips as I straddled him. For a moment, neither of us moved. The playful energy had shifted into something more intense, something electric. I couldn't help but notice how close we were—his chest rising and falling beneath me, his heartbeat steady but a little quicker than normal.

It felt too familiar, this position. I could feel the warmth of his body against mine, the way his muscles tensed beneath me as he adjusted. My heart pounded in my chest, but it wasn't just from the laughing or the physical exertion. It was something else, something I couldn't quite place.

I shifted a little, trying to gather my thoughts, but the subtle movement caused my body to press even closer to his. His breath raised slightly, and I felt a spark of electricity shoot through me at the feeling of him under me.

It felt like a flashback to the other day, when he was beneath me, my body moving over his. My mind wandered back to that moment—the heat, the closeness, the way he'd kissed me, the way we'd both been tangled up in each other.

I could feel the echoes of that moment now, the way my body reacted then, and the way it was reacting now, every inch of me aware of him. I had to admit it—I was starting to understand why he liked this position so much. It was… comfortable in a way that shouldn't feel as comfortable as it did. The weight of it, the closeness was intense in a way I hadn't expected.

His voice broke through my thoughts. "You know…" he said, a smirk playing at the corners of his mouth. "It would be so easy to kiss you right now."

I became motionless, every instinct telling me to move, but I stayed there, unable to pull away. My heart raced, and it wasn't just because of the closeness. I couldn't shake the memory of the other night.

He was under me again, and it was hard to ignore the chemistry, the pull, the way my body seemed to respond to his with a mind of its own.

I couldn't help but let a small smirk form on my lips. "Are you going to let me go, or are you planning on keeping me pinned on top of you?"

His gaze flickered between my eyes and my lips, his breathing slow but steady. The air around us was charged, the playful teasing of earlier turning into something far more intense, almost irresistible.

"Is that a challenge?" he asked, his voice low and teasing, his hands barely touching my hips but enough to keep me in place.

I could feel the humor in his words, but it didn't erase the tension. In fact, it only seemed to heighten it, the way his hands hovered over me, like he was trying to decide what to do next. I felt his warmth, his hands on my hips, his body solid against mine, and suddenly, everything felt a little too close, too intimate.

"Justin…" I whispered. "It's really hard… cause I want to kiss you." I admitted. 

"It is really hard." He looked down briefly and that made me laugh, breaking the tension just enough to lift my upper half up while still sitting on him. His hands traveled softly from my hips to my thighs causing me to get goosebumps. His grip around my hips tightened before he finally let go, letting his hands drop to his sides. 

"You're free," he whispered. It took everything in me to not lean back down and just let him have me but we told ourselves we were just going to be. And having sex is definitely not just letting us be. 

Finally I stood up completely off of him and adjusted my clothes. He laid there just watching me intently. I could feel pressure rise in my stomach. We told ourselves we were just going to be. But after that? Just being felt impossible. I sat down next to him but I didn't lay back down. It was too risky after that because every part of me didn't want to get up. 

He finally sat up and threw the blanket back over me. I tightened it around me, like I was trying to shield myself from him or maybe closing myself off so I wouldn't do something I so desperately wanted to at that point. I finally let out a sharp breath I had kept trapped and turned to face him. His eyes slowly met mine. 

"I'm sorry, I know we are trying to slow things down." He finally said after a long stretch of quiet. 

"You don't have to apologize, I almost didn't get up." I quickly faced away from him as I felt blood rush to my cheeks. A smile formed on my face and I couldn't help the laugh that escaped me. His laugh followed shortly after. I finally got enough courage to face him again. 

His gaze never left me, like he was holding something back. The weight of it made my stomach flip, so I did the only thing I could, I broke it.

I nudged his knee with mine. "You look like you're about to say something profound. Gonna hit me with some life-changing wisdom?"

He tilted his head, smirking. "Not profound, but… you really didn't want to get up, huh?"

I groaned, pulling the blanket tighter around me as heat crept up my neck. "Please don't start this." I covered my face with my hands for a second and let out a sharp laugh. 

"Oh, absolutely I'm starting this." He leaned back on his hands, looking way too pleased with himself. "I mean, I get it. You're only human."

I shot him a glare. "And you're ridiculous."

"Yet here we are, and you're resisting the urge to straddle me again."

I smacked his arm, but I was laughing despite myself. "Now you're just insufferable."

He shrugged, that damn smirk still in place. "I'm just saying, if you ever need a seat, my face and I are available."

I gasped, shoving him hard enough that he had to catch himself from tipping over. "Oh my God, stop."

He chuckled, rubbing his shoulder like I actually hurt him. "You said it first! You look at me and all you want to do is sit on my face. Well I'm right here. And so is my face." 

I shook my head, resisting the urge to laugh loudly. "INSUFFERABLE!" I shouted. We both started laughing, he knows exactly how to make me blush and roll my eyes at him all at once. 

We finally let the silence settle around us. He reached for the bag of chips and opened them, offering them to me first. I grabbed a small handful and started munching away. I reached for my phone to check the time and it was now 5:25am. Sunrise would be coming soon, the night sky started shifting into a lighter blue. And the stars slowly disappeared, one by one. I noticed the clouds had shifted into a deeper gray color. The world around us was slowly waking up. 

I crunched on a chip and nudged him with my elbow. "You're the worst snack-sharing partner, by the way. You didn't even bring dip."

He scoffed, grabbing a handful for himself. "Excuse me for not preparing a full charcuterie board for our spontaneous stargazing-slash-not-kissing session."

I rolled my eyes, suppressing a grin. "At least some salsa. Something."

He shook his head. "Unbelievable. Next time, I'll be sure to pack a five-star meal just for you, princess."

I smirked, leaning back on my hands as I looked toward the horizon. "As you should!"

The conversation drifted easily after that—something about bad airplane snacks, a debate over the best late-night food, and eventually, our guesses on how many people were already awake back at the house. The tension from earlier had loosened, melting into something easy, something familiar. 

The sun was now brighter but suppressed by the clouds surrounding it. We sat quietly again, the sound of the birds was more noticeable than before. I laid back briefly, watching as the clouds drifted by. The silence between us wasn't heavy anymore. It was easy, almost comforting. The kind of quiet that made it feel like we had all the time in the world. But that was the thing about moments like this—they never lasted forever. A cold thought ran through my head. 

"How unlucky do you think we are?" I asked him. He laid down next to me now, staring up at the sky. 

He leaned in closer to me. "Why do you ask that?" 

"The air feels very humid and those clouds look…angry." I pointed up to a cloud that had deepened in color from the first time I had seen it a few seconds ago. "And if my knowledge of the islands serves us any good I would say it's going to rain today. It hasn't rained once since we got here. That's 4 days of no rain. That's rare during this time." 

He studied the clouds more deeply now. Turning to face me and then the sky a couple of times. A small smirk formed on his lips. "That does sound like it would be our luck." He laughed. 

"On the bright side, we made it to sunrise." I nudged him with my elbow. He threw his arm around my neck and pulled me close into his chest. 

"We made it the whole night without having sex, you see we can do this." He laughed and tightened his squeeze for a few seconds before letting me go completely. But I didn't move. I stayed leaning on his chest and staring up at the waking sky. A wave of relief flowed through me. Even if we almost had a break in tension we really did spend the entire night without crossing the lines that were already blurred. Maybe we were going to be okay. 

I felt a little drop hit my nose, and for a second, I thought he had spit on me. I don't know why that was my first thought, but I jolted up out of his arms.

"Are you okay?" he asked, sitting up beside me.

Another drop landed—this time on my forehead. Then another.

"Fuck… I was right!" I shouted.

He stared at me, confused, until he flinched at the sudden coolness on his own skin. A smirk crept over his face as he looked up.

"Yup. You were right." His voice was almost amused. "Sounds like our cue to go before this rain—"

Before he could finish, the sky cracked open.

The rain didn't just fall; it crashed. Big, heavy drops pelting our skin, soaking through our clothes in seconds. The once distant rumble of thunder now echoed all around us, coursing through the ground. A gust of wind sent a shiver down my spine, and I instinctively wrapped my arms around myself.

I turned to Justin, who was staring at the sky in shock. "I should've told you we were fucked the minute the first cloud formed." I laughed, wiping the water from my eyes. We picked up all our belongings and made our way to the trail. 

He reached over, grabbing my hand without a second thought. Our fingers intertwined naturally, and I didn't fight it. The trail was steep, and in my flip-flops, I already knew I'd need the extra support.

As we carefully started making our way down, the rain turned the dirt path to slick mud beneath us. We couldn't stop laughing at the absurdity of it, at the way we slipped every few steps, at how the night had gone from near disaster to whatever this was. I lost my footing twice, my entire backside now covered in mud, and Justin wasn't much better off, taking a full tumble at one point.

Nothing would've told me this was how our night would end, but I welcomed it. The rain felt like a reset, washing everything away from the tension, the uncertainty, the weight of whatever we were trying (and failing) to resist. It was just us, soaked, laughing, stumbling down a mountain in the middle of a Hawaiian storm.

And for the first time in a long time, I felt light.

We finally reached the base of the trail, breathless, drenched, and still laughing. The rain hadn't let up, pouring down with the same relentless energy, but we didn't rush. There was nowhere to be just here, in this moment.

I took a step forward, my flip-flops useless against the slick ground, and my foot slipped out from under me. Before I could hit the ground, Justin grabbed me only to lose his own footing in the process.

It happened too fast to stop. One second, I was falling; the next, we were tangled together on the soaked ground. And just like that, I was right where I didn't want to be.

On top of him.

"How do we always find ourselves here, August?" His breath was uneven, his chest rising and falling beneath me.

I should've laughed. Teased him. Pulled away.

But I didn't.

Before I could think, before I could talk myself out of it. I kissed him.

Fuck.

Why did I do that?

Why didn't he pull away?

Instead, he pulled me in, deepening it , like the pull between us had finally become too strong to fight.

The thunder roared around us, but we didn't stop. Each kiss felt more reckless than the last. I could feel his hands traveling around me like he couldn't get a good enough grip on me. I clung to him, doing the same. 

And then I shifted my arm, my palm hitting wet grass, my body pressing against him in the middle of the open trail.

Reality cut through the haze.

Out in the elements, at the bottom of a hiking trail, making out like we had no control. That grounded me just enough to make me pull away.

"I am so sorry, I shouldn't have done that." I whispered as I finally got off of him and stood up. 

"August…" His voice was breathless but his expression was unreadable. And then a quick smirk spread across his face. "I mean, if you wanted to be on top again, you could've just said so." 

I couldn't help but laugh at how ridiculous we probably looked. Drenched in water and covered in mud. "Okay, new rule: No dramatic, rain-soaked, movie-scene moments. We clearly can't be trusted."

He pushed himself up, shaking rain from his hair. "Yeah, that's fair. But for the record, if we do break that rule again… I won't complain."

I rolled my eyes before turning away, trying to hide my smile. Insufferable.

The rain did not let up the entire walk back to the house. We were silent most of the way, but it wasn't uncomfortable. I think we were both just trying to reel in from what just happened. We finally made it to the front of the house. But we stopped right before we got to the driveway. I looked down at my legs which were not visible from the amount of mud that stuck to me. And I let out a soft laugh. 

"I don't think we should go in covered in mud." I said as I took my sandals off. I walked over to the trash can and threw away the bag of chips and the empty bottle. 

"Yeah, probably not a good idea. Dani would kill us if we tracked mud through the house." Justin shook his leg slightly letting the mud slide off. 

"We can rinse off in the back?" I pointed to the side of the house. 

We made our way to the back where there was an outdoor shower meant to rinse off from swimming in the ocean. I went first, handing Justin my phone, and then rinsing my arms, and making sure to get most of the gunk off of my legs. Justin followed shortly after, rinsing off quickly. 

"Do you think anyone's awake? It's like almost seven." I asked Justin as we made our way over to the patio to finally escape the rain. 

"Mallory and Dani are usually the first ones up but I don't see anyone in the kitchen?" He leaned on the window trying to look in. He nodded no and opened the door. Once we finally made it in, the house was as silent as when we left. The rain pounded against the windows as we moved quietly through the house, trying to avoid drawing attention. I could feel the tension still hanging between us. When Justin asked if he could use my shower, I nodded, keeping my expression neutral despite the sudden tightness in my chest.

"Yeah, sure," I said, though my voice barely sounded like my own. The thought of him in my shower made my pulse race, and I couldn't shake the memory of our kiss earlier.

We made our way up the stairs, and I tried not to think about how close he was behind me. Why did I agree to this? I couldn't get the image of us, wet and reckless, out of my head. This is going to make everything harder. 

We got into my room without waking anyone up. I shut the door quietly behind us as Justin tossed the wet sheet and blanket outside on the balcony. My pulse quickened when he began taking off his shirt—why was he doing that in the room, not the bathroom? Was he trying to tempt me? Or was he actually oblivious to what he was doing to me?

"What…are you doing?" I asked, trying for casual but failing miserably.

"I'm just putting my wet clothes out there. Don't worry, I'll keep my boxers on." A wide smirk spread across his face. He knew exactly what he was doing. "You wanna shower first or? I don't mind waiting."

He started to take off his shorts, and my heart skipped a beat. I had to look away before it became impossible not to invite him into the shower with me. I hated how easily I unraveled around him. I could push him to want me first, but how did he do it without even trying?

"I'm surprised you didn't offer to take a shower with me," I said, starting to unbutton my pajama shirt, which clung tightly to my damp body. His gaze shifted to me, watching cautiously.

"I still haven't gotten into the bathroom. I just might." He laughed and opened the bathroom door. "In our defense, it's already tomorrow, which means we went an entire night without doing anything we weren't supposed to."

"We made out in the rain, and you can't tell me you didn't want to push it further when you were tickling me. That hardly counts as an entire night," I shot back, laughing as I pulled off my pajama bottoms. I grabbed our wet clothes and tossed them aside on the balcony. That's a problem for future me to deal with.

When I got back in the room, he still hadn't gone into the bathroom. He was leaned up against the door with his arms crossed.

"So, what's it going to be? Are you going to shower first and invite me in? Or am I going to shower first and wait for you to break and sneak in?" He raised an eyebrow, waiting for my answer.

I lightly pushed him out of the way, just enough to step into the bathroom. I hesitated for a moment. Asking myself if I wanted to give in again. Did I want to cross this boundary after our conversation last night? Did I want to keep pushing every line just to have sex with him? I took two steps forward, facing the bathroom while he stood directly behind me. I turned to look at him over my shoulder.

"Are you coming?" I whispered. I could feel the heat of his chest pressing into my back. There was no going back now. One last time, I told myself.

We entered the bathroom, locking the door behind us. From there, we let instinct take over.

I'd always thought shower sex would be more graceful, but the reality was far from it. Between the slick tiles, the cramped space, and the way Justin couldn't seem to keep his hands off me long enough for either of us to get our footing, it was a miracle we even managed. There was a moment when we slipped, he tried to catch me, only to nearly fall himself, and we completely lost it, laughter bubbling between our desperate kisses.

But even through the stumbles, even with the occasional unintentional waterboarding from the showerhead, I had never had more fun. It was wet and ridiculous and completely us. And when we finally gave in, pressing against each other with nothing left to stop us, it felt better than I could have ever imagined.

By the time we finished our shower, the sounds of the house waking up drifted upstairs. I knew we had to step back to reality. This had to be our last time. But standing here now, towels wrapped around us, our skin still warm from everything that just happened, I knew it was going to be harder than I ever imagined.