Chapter 18. The Archer.

"Who could ever leave me, darling? But who could stay?"

We stayed frozen in place for a few moments before either of us moved. Catching our breaths in the wake of the aftermath. My whole body felt aftershocks all throughout. Every inch of me is hypersensitive to even the slightest touch. Our eyes were still glued on each other. My body twitched as he placed a gentle arm over my waist, pulling me into him. The skin to skin touch sent a wave of blood rushing through me. I couldn't help but laugh quietly. Justin's face lifted a little off the pillow, a smile forming on his face. The heat between us hadn't fully settled, like the embers of a fire still glowing beneath the surface.

"You're gonna be the death of me, August." He closed his eyes lazily, I could hear faint laughter echoing in the silent room like a reminder that the world hadn't stopped for us.

"We should probably get dressed and head downstairs, I'm pretty sure Dani is already looking for us." 

We shared a quiet laugh but he didn't let go of me. His grip tightened, anchoring me here, despite his words this morning…despite the reminder that we were supposed to slow down or stop all together. Instead of fighting it, I embraced it, melting into his arms once more. The world hadn't stopped but it could wait a little bit more before we reintroduced ourselves to it. 

A few more quiet moments were shared before our reality came crashing in on us. A faint knock followed by a "Hey August," shot both of us out of bed. Panic set in when we realized it was Hannah. I could feel my heart race as we lay in place, unsure of what to do. Justin and I stared at each other, and a small crooked smile landed on his face. Even during the most intense moments he never wavers. It's like he lives for lifes challenges. I finally shook off the initial shock and walked quietly to the door.

"Hey, what's up? I just got out of the shower so I'm getting dressed." I said, trying to steady my shaky voice. 

"Oh nothing, we're all about to head out to our rental but everyone said your balcony had the best view so I was hoping to catch a glimpse before we headed over." Her voice sounded muffled through the door, but her tone was still sticky sweet as usual. And now guilt reared its ugly head. I felt it creep in, unwelcome and inconvenient, but I shoved it down before it could take root.

"Uhm yeah let me just finish up and I'll let you in." I turned to look at Justin who sat there amused, I shot him a pointed look and motioned for him to go into the bathroom. He grabbed his clothes and tiptoed into the dark room, quietly closing the door behind him. While I bolted to my suitcase and grabbed whatever bathing suit laid on top. I slid it on as fast as I could while making as little noise as possible. I darted to look at myself quickly in the mirror and gasped when I realized which bathing suit I grabbed. The red one piece with the very plunged neckline and thong bottom that Mallory had gifted me. It was too late to change, I fixed my damp hair into a quick bun and rushed over to the door. 

"Hannah, Hi!" I said it loud enough so Justin would know I had finally opened the door. 

Hannah blinked, her gaze flickering down to my suit before she smiled. "Wow, you look amazing! I love that color on you." 

I could feel a nervous laugh build in my stomach as I opened the door even more to let her in. 

"I'm sorry the room is a bit of a mess, I haven't had a chance to unpack, I've been too busy uhm partying." I let out my nervous laugh that turned into an awkward smile. She looked around taking the whole room in and in that moment I was praying to whoever would hear me that Justin put the condoms in the drawer and not just on the nightstand. 

"Don't even worry, give me two days and my room will be ten times worse than this." She offered a genuine chuckle as we made our way towards the balcony, stepping over my crumpled up towel I had ripped off moments prior. She paused briefly, staring at something on the ground. I could feel my heart sink and I felt nauseous. What could she have found? 

She bent down and picked up the spoon Justin had thrown to the side the minute I dropped my towel. A look of confusion formed on her face as she stood back up to hand me the spoon. I didn't let the panic show on my face, besides it's not like the spoon was connected to Justin in any way, but that didn't stop the pit from forming in my stomach.

"Oh I had breakfast out on the balcony earlier today, I must've dropped it and not noticed." I tossed the spoon on the bed as I opened the sliding door letting her out to the balcony.

"Go ahead, take in the view! I'll close the door behind us" I said it loud enough for him to hear me again. I closed the curtains and the door behind me. Hoping to cover Justin as he stepped out of the bathroom to make a swift escape. I watched her as she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Almost as if she really was taking it all in. Seconds later the sliding door opened behind me. We both turned to look and out walked shirtless sweaty Justin. Every muscle in my body tensed. My stomach dropped so fast I swore I felt the ground shift beneath me. What was he thinking?

"Hello, Ladies." He said smoothly as he closed the door behind him. 

"Hey Justin, I was looking for you earlier." Her smile brightened as he got closer. 

"What are you doing here Justin?" I forced my voice to stay level, but it cracked slightly, betraying the rush of nerves that had suddenly flooded my chest. He seemed to enjoy how flustered I was starting to get. Like he got sick pleasure out of seeing me squirm. 

"Oh nothing, saw your door was open so I figured you were done with your shower and I'd come say hi." His smile said it all. He pushed me in every way. I turned to look at Hannah who was too enthralled by his muscles to notice any tension that swung around her. 

"Oh Justin, we're about to go show everyone the other rental. Do you want to come with us?" Hannah beamed as she stepped away from the railing fully facing him now. Almost as if she was done with the view behind her and she wanted to focus on the view in front of her. 

Justin's gaze moved over to her for a moment. "Sure, I'd love that." His smile was genuine now. I motioned for her to go back in the room and Justin moved to the side to let her in first. I started making my way back in my room but Justin grabbed my wrist loosely. Stopping me from entering all the way. I turned to look at him, confused. 

"We'll meet you downstairs Hannah, I just need to talk to August real quick about what we're making for dinner." He said. She nodded and smiled as she walked away. We both walked back into my room and waited until Hannah could be heard going downstairs. The minute I got the chance I grabbed the closest pillow and started smacking him with it. 

"What the heck is wrong with you! You were supposed to get out of here unnoticed!" I said through gritted teeth, trying not to make too much noise. I couldn't believe him. He was always so careless, so calm, while I was the one who had to pick up the pieces. How was he so effortlessly in control of everything? He couldn't help but laugh each time I hit him with the pillow until he grabbed my wrist mid hit and took the pillow out of my hand. He pulled me closer to him while still holding my wrist. 

We were closer than before now, our breaths mingled for a moment until I finally looked away. I loosened my grip from his hand and shoved him lightly to the side. I don't think he realized I was actually annoyed with him. He stared at me like he was trying to read me. My eyebrows furrowed in frustration, but quickly released when he made a fake pouty face. I rolled my eyes but couldn't help but laugh at how ridiculous he looked.

"You really are insufferable, Justin!" I muttered as I sat at the edge of my bed. He let out a soft chuckle before he took the spot next to me. We sat quietly for a second until he finally spoke.

"I'm sorry, Mallory had just walked upstairs and I ran back into your room. I figured it would've been easier to explain my presence to Hannah than Mallory catching me leaving your room." He bit the side of his cheek, avoiding my eyes.

I wanted to be angry, wanted to snap back at him, but a part of me just wanted to move forward. He was right, after all, it was easier to explain it to Hannah than letting Mallory catch him. I let out a long sigh and laid back on my bed, my legs still dangling off the edge. This day was already exhausting enough. I stared at the ceiling briefly, my mind racing, until Justin joined me and laid back as well. The room felt very still as the quiet grew. I finally spoke. Knowing what had to be said. 

"We probably should stop, right?" I asked quietly. My voice was shakier than I intended it to come out.

He exhaled sharply, his hands folding behind his head. "Probably," he said with barely a whisper. His voice was softer than I expected, not like his usual confident self. A small, hesitant shift in him that I hadn't anticipated. Was this him actually agreeing with me? I wondered. Or was he just going along with it because I said it first?

I tried to push the thought away, but it clung to me like an unanswered question.

I shifted my body to face him now, propping my head up on my elbow, hoping to see the crack in his composure. But he was steady, his mind clearly elsewhere. His jaw tightened just slightly as he stared at the ceiling, his thoughts somewhere far off. The tension was starting to become unbearable. I could feel it pressing down on me, suffocating me in its silence. What was going on in his head? 

I needed to break this quickly, needed to do something to stop this suffocating quiet from swallowing us whole.

"So, uh…" I began, trying to sound casual, but the words felt forced. "Is this outfit too much or? I almost opted for the hideous tankini I definitely snuck in when Mals wasn't looking." I let out a forced laugh hoping it would bring him back to earth, back to this moment with us. I could see his eyebrow twitch for a moment, but he stayed still. Almost as if he was pulling himself out of his own thoughts. He finally shifted his body to me, his movements slower than usual. He propped his head up on his elbow as well. His gaze traveled up and down my body, causing the heat to bubble up in me slightly. His gaze lingered on the neck line that was really deep, sending my goosebumps into overdrive. A smirk finally appeared on his face, breaking the tension and releasing my breath all at once. 

"If the black bikini doesn't work on Erik, this one will." His voice sounded rough but playful. The mention of Erik's name for once didn't send me spiraling. It was a callback to the first night, the moment we first felt a shift in our newly formed friendship. His eyes softened a bit as he looked back down to my plunging neckline. He held them there for a while. 

"Eyes up here buddy." I grabbed his chin with my thumb and lifted his gaze back to my eyes. We both let out a real laugh this time. 

"I'm sorry it's hard not to look when they're pretty much talking to me." He made a circle with his hand around my chest, I rolled my eyes and laughed. 

'That's it! I'm changing!" I sat up and instantly he yelled "NO!" and grabbed my arms pulling me back down, we play-fought briefly until he started tickling me. My side hurt from laughing so much and trying to fight him off. This moment was very much welcomed after the intensity I felt. He finally freed me and we sat back up on the bed. Trying to catch our breaths from our laughter. The corners of his eyes creased as the smile on his face grew. We stared at each other quietly now. He parted his lips like he was about to say something but immediately closed them. We had to stop, we couldn't keep doing this. Even if we barely started, I could feel it in me that this slope was slipperier than I ever thought it would be. I had to back out before it was too late. We sat for a moment longer until finally I spoke. 

"Come on, let's go." I got off the bed and put my flip flops on. He followed shortly after me, putting his shirt on that he had left in the bathroom. I felt a cool breeze on my butt. I walked over to the mirror and realized just how revealing this bathing suit was. Not only was the neckline so low, the sides rode so far up I feared I'd have a lower lip slip if I made one wrong move. I laughed at how ridiculous I looked. My hips were completely exposed, my butt was hanging almost all the way out. I really don't know what Mallory was thinking when she got this for me. But I'm going to embrace it, I'll definitely need to throw on some denim shorts and never take them off, but I'm embracing it. I could see Justin watching me through the reflection of the mirror. He noticed me checking myself out and laughed to himself. 

I smiled before asking him, "What?"

He shook his head, but there was a pause—just for a second. His mouth opened slightly, like he was about to say something, but then he just smiled instead. It wasn't a smirk, like he was undressing me with his eyes. No. It was… endearment.

"Nothing, you just looked deep in thought over your fashion choice." His voice was casual, but his eyes lingered a bit longer before looking away. Like he had to remind himself not to stare. 

"Not my choice, Mallory's. And had we not almost been caught I would've never put this on!" I looked over at him and pointed my finger in a fake stern way. My eyes shifted back to my reflection. I'm going to embrace it. I tell myself one more time, before throwing on a pair of denim shorts over top. 

"Okay, now I'm ready." 

We shut the lights of my bedroom and made our way downstairs. We made it all the way to the kitchen before we realized everyone had already left. We looked at each other for a split second. I looked away first, knowing if I stared too long it would mean trouble. 

"They must've left already." He said as he walked over to the fridge to grab two beers. 

He cracked one open and handed it to me. I stared at it for a second, I hadn't tried beer yet, but took it anyway. He opened his and took a long sip. I brought it up to my lips and the smell hit me instantly. I scrunched my nose slightly but took a sip anyway. The taste was bitter, heavier than I expected, but not completely awful. It wasn't something I'd crave, but I could get used to it. I swallowed and glanced over at Justin, who was watching me with an amused look.

"So? What are your thoughts?"

"I don't think I'd reach for it but if it's there I'd drink it again." I shrugged my shoulders and took another drink. His eyes stayed on me for a minute longer than they should've. A smirk started creeping up on his lips. 

"Just wait till you do your first keg stand." He let out a breathy laugh. My eyes widened slightly, but I covered it with another sip.

 "We ordered a keg for this weekend. So I better see you face down, legs up." His laugh echoed through the silent house. Heat rose on my face but I immediately looked away so he wouldn't catch it. 

"We'll see about that," I responded as I took another sip. It was starting to taste a little better with each drink I took. "We should probably go before people start talking," I laughed. He nodded as he grabbed two more beers from the fridge. 

Justin pushed open the door, and the late afternoon sun cast a golden glow over the sand as we stepped outside. The air was warm, carrying the faint scent of salt and sunscreen, and the distant crash of waves filled the quiet between us. The beer in my hand was already starting to sweat, droplets sliding down the glass as we made our way toward the other rental.

The second house came into view, its modern, sleek design mirroring our house but on a smaller scale. Floor-to-ceiling windows reflected the sunlight, giving it an open, airy feel. It sat a little farther from the water, but the ocean's sound still lingered in the air.

As we got closer, muffled voices and laughter spilled out from inside. Through the windows, I could see the group gathered in the living room, sprawled across the couch and floor, drinks in hand, already settled in. I exchanged a glance with Justin before pushing open the door, bracing myself for whatever came next. We walked in and an uproar of warm welcomings greeted us. 

"They're finally here!" Mallory shouted and she shot a quick glance at Dani. She offered her a pointed look before she turned to us and said, "Oh my god we were starting to think you guys got lost on the way over!" I could feel my eyes roll back into my head though I couldn't help but laugh at their overt reactions. 

"Sorry it took a while. I was trying to cope with the fact that my best friend was trying to pimp me out by making me wear this small piece of fabric." I popped the strap of my bathing suit and everyone laughed. 

"Take those shorts off! You're ruining the aesthetic!" Mallory shouted at me. I took another sip of my drink and walked over to the open seat on the couch by Allie. 

"You look great, August!" Allie whispered as I sat down. I gave her a warm side hug and thanked her. I turned to look at Justin who was already in a conversation with Hannah. He shifted his gaze over at me for a brief second before he returned to look at her. Conversations started all around me but I was just focused on him. I didn't know why at first. But slowly I started to realize that I wanted to see if I would get jealous. Jealous of the way he made her laugh so effortlessly. Jealous of the way she touched him lightly as she laughed. But I felt nothing. I watched as he painted a picture for her with his words and hands and didn't feel an ounce of envy. Instead I felt…relieved.

The realization settled in my chest like a quiet exhale. I had been bracing for something. an unwelcome pang of jealousy, a twist of discomfort but it never came. I took another sip of my drink, letting the conversations around me blur together. And still, I felt nothing. No heat rising in my chest, no bitterness coating my throat, just… calm. The kind that came with certainty.

Maybe I had expected to feel something, to prove something to myself. But all I felt was the cool press of my drink in my hand and the laughter buzzing in the air around me. Maybe this was a good thing. Maybe it meant I wasn't as tangled up in him as I thought I was. Maybe what we had—whatever it was—was exactly where it needed to be.

With that thought, I turned back to Allie and let myself fall into the conversation around me, leaving Justin and Hannah where they belonged: in the background.

The noise of the group faded into the background as I snapped out of my thoughts. Allie and Jacob had already gotten to their feet, eager to give me the grand tour. Mallory and Dani followed suit. 

"All right, August, time to see the rest of this place!" Allie said with a bright grin, her enthusiasm infectious.

"Yeah, let's show you the real gems of the house," Jacob added, a glimmer in his eyes as he motioned for me to follow them.

I followed behind them, listening as Allie pointed out the open spaces, showing off the sleek modern design of the house. The floor-to-ceiling windows let in plenty of natural light, giving the house an airy, spacious feel. It was smaller, but the layout was still impressive, simple yet sophisticated, with touches of warmth in the décor.

As we moved upstairs, I found myself drawn to the guest rooms, wondering where Erik's was. When we passed by the door to his room, I spotted it slightly ajar, and without thinking, I slipped away from the tour for just a moment.

I entered quietly, glancing around at the clean, minimalist setup. It felt like a room waiting for him. On a whim, I grabbed a piece of paper and quickly wrote a note, "Can't wait to see sunsets and sunrises with you. -August" before folding it neatly and leaving it on the pillow.

Satisfied, I stepped back out of the room and caught up with the rest of them, pretending nothing had changed except maybe the flutter of excitement in my chest as I wondered what Erik would think when he finally found it.

The house tour ended back in the living room where Marshall, Justin, and Hannah were "arguing" about work, and Hunter and Nancy were tucked away in a corner deep in conversation. Conversations continued to flow, and I would insert myself here and there, but my mind was truly elsewhere. Leaving the note for Erik started to feel wrong, like I was trying to compensate for what I'd been doing in secret with Justin.

I found a spot on the edge of the couch, leaning back and trying to shake off the discomfort creeping up my spine. As the laughter around me picked up again, I forced myself to smile, trying to keep up appearances. But my gaze kept drifting to Justin, who was in the middle of the debate with Hannah, his hand brushing lightly against hers as he gestured. I couldn't help but wonder if things were really as simple as I'd hoped. Was it possible to want both of them in different ways without losing myself in the process?

As the night wound down, and the overwhelming feeling of doom sat over me, I slipped away from the group and walked back to the other house alone. The quiet felt different now, heavier somehow, like the weight of the day had caught up with me. I reached my room, closed the door behind me, and let out a sigh.

The thoughts still buzzed in my mind from Justin, to Erik. Knowing Justin and I told ourselves we would stop but the glances we shared said otherwise. Erik was going to be flying in pretty soon, would I be able to play it off? That somehow despite losing my virginity and my life being flipped upside down I was still the same girl he liked. Those thoughts swirled in my head. I felt desperate for answers but for now, there was nothing more to do but let the exhaustion take over. Tomorrow would come with its own set of questions, but tonight, I was done thinking.

I changed into my coziest pajamas and crawled into bed, the cool sheets a small comfort.

And just like that, the day ended.

I was fast asleep when a loud ringing woke me up. It didn't completely register that it was my phone ringing until I fully pulled myself out of the sleepy haze I was in. I unlocked my phone to see a few text messages from Justin from the last few hours. I opened an eye trying to focus on the messages from him.

Justin: "where did you go? Mallory said she didn't know if you had left or not?" 11:54pm 

Justin: "hey did you make it back okay? I didn't see when you left." 12:17am 

Justin: "Hunter and I just got back, wanted to see if you were up?" 1:35am

I checked the time on my phone. It's 1:37am. He had just gotten back from the other house. My head spun as I read through the messages. I wasn't sure if I really wanted to talk to him tonight. I knew that if I opened the door to seeing him, we wouldn't just talk, we would continue crossing the line. But ignoring it… would that be the right call? It might shut the door completely, and I wasn't sure if that's what I wanted either.

My fingers hovered over the screen, uncertainty settling in. If I said yes and invited him in, I knew exactly where it would lead. But if I said no… I worried the push would make him pull away for good. This wasn't just a casual situation. We weren't exactly friends with benefits, but we weren't just friends anymore, either. I still wasn't sure what to do, until a silly thought popped into my mind.

A coin toss. Heads, I'd text him back that I was awake. Tails, I'd go back to bed and deal with it in the morning.

I walked over and turned on the light. There was some loose change on the dresser, so I grabbed the first coin I found, a penny. I set it on the palm of my hand and whispered to myself, "Heads, yes. Tails, no." I tossed the coin in the air and caught it in my hand. I flipped it over on the back of my other hand and unveiled the result.

Heads.

A quiet sigh escaped me. My stomach fluttered at the thought of what that decision meant. It felt almost ridiculous, this whole coin toss, but in that moment, I needed something to break the deadlock in my head.

I grabbed my phone and typed a quick message before I could change my mind. 

August: "hey yeah. I was exhausted so I snuck away around 11 or so. But I just woke up." 

Justin: "I'm still downstairs, I'll be up in a bit. You too tired to talk?" 

August: "to talk? Or is this a "you up?" text. Lol"

Justin: "lol, just talk. I swear!" 

August: "okay see you soon."

I locked my phone and tossed it on the bed. I wasn't sure if I was making the right decision. He would be here, in my room, just the two of us… alone. That had danger written all over it. I needed fresh air quickly.

I grabbed my blanket and wrapped it around me before stepping onto the balcony. I texted him again.

August: "doors unlocked. I'm on the balcony." 

The cold air felt sharp against my warm skin. I sank onto the couch, drawing my knees up to my chest. The blanket settled around me, offering some comfort as I stared out into the dark abyss. The moonlight was soft, just enough to highlight the white of the shoreline. The sound of the waves seemed closer than they actually were, while distant bugs and frogs chirped in harmony. I took a few deep breaths, hoping to steady myself. Leaning my head back on the couch, I stared up at the sky. The stars were bright, free from the haze of light pollution, and I felt a slight ease settle over me.

After a few quiet moments of just my thoughts, the sliding door was being opened. I turned my head enough to see Justin walk out, he had two coffee mugs in hand. He handed me a pink mug, I smiled at him as I grabbed it. 

"A little late for coffee don't you think?" I laughed softly but took a sip regardless. I noticed the coffee already had milk and sugar in it. It tasted just how I liked my hot coffee. Then, it sank in, I realized…he remembered. He remembered exactly how I took it that morning after… our blackout night. 

"It's decaf, just something to keep us warm out here. I hope you don't mind that I prepared it already. 2 scoops of sugar and a small splash of milk." He took the spot next to me but not sitting close. 

I couldn't believe he remembered such a small detail. I took another sip and gripped the mug tightly in my hand, stealing any warmth I could. "This is perfect thank you. So how was the rest of your night?" I wanted to lead the conversation, trying not to stray into tempting territory. I wanted to remain neutral. Just talk. 

"It was nice, we didn't do much other than talk and hang around. Everyone was pretty tired from their flight." He stared out into the dark horizon before turning his focus back to me. "You left without saying anything, everything okay?" 

"Uhm yeah I'm fine, honestly I was just so tired," it was a half truth I thought to myself as I continued, "I think my morning run tired me out, plus I got a bit sunburnt so I was just ready to turn in." His eyes narrowed slightly at me. Like he didn't believe what I was telling him. 

He studied me for a second, his gaze was unreadable. "Hmm… okay," he said finally. "I just wanted to check in on you. I could tell something was up earlier."

 I don't know how he could read me so well. I fake laughed, included myself in the conversations, acted like everything was perfectly fine. And for the most part, it worked. So why did it feel like he was seeing right through me? Like my performance wasn't as convincing as I thought?

 We sat in silence, letting the sounds of the frogs fill the void. His eyes stayed on me, unwavering. It wasn't a challenge, but it wasn't passive either. Like he was waiting. Watching. The weight of it made my pulse jump, and before I could stop myself, I met his stare.

A mistake.

"I just need you to be honest with me, August." His voice was quiet, careful. "I know something's up with you. I felt it earlier, and I feel it right now."

There was something raw in the way he said it, like he almost hadn't wanted to. Like maybe saying it out loud would make it real.

I felt every part of me tear in half.

Because I could lie. Say everything was fine, that I was just tired, that I hadn't been sleeping well. Or…I could finally admit what I already knew. That this got complicated way too soon.

But what would his reaction be? Disappointed that I couldn't handle hooking up? Or worse—upset that this meant we'd have to stop?

I hesitated, every worst-case scenario crashing through my head. But I couldn't run from this much longer. Not now that Hannah was here. Not now that Erik would be arriving soon.

It had to end. No matter how badly I didn't want it to.

"I'm just processing a lot," I finally admitted, my voice barely above a whisper. "Mainly, I'm just…confused."

His body was still turned away, but he slowly turned his head to face me. "What are you confused about?"

I swallowed. My fingers tightened around the mug.

"This."

I had to look away. I didn't want to see whatever reaction crossed his face. Didn't want to see if it was regret.

"What exactly about this is confusing you?"

"It's complicated."

"Try me."

His voice was steady. His stare wasn't. There was something behind it now.

I exhaled. "I guess I just see you differently, and I don't know how to cope with that."

He shifted now, fully facing me. "Differently?" His voice was quieter now. "In what way?"

I licked my lips. My heart slammed against my ribs.

"See it from my perspective," I said finally. "Just last week, I could barely stand you. You walked into a room, and all I saw was a cocky, condescending asshole. The kind of guy who never had to try too hard because the world would bend for him."

I exhaled sharply, shaking my head. "And then by some twist of fate we sat together on that plane. And everything just…shifted."

I hesitated, my pulse hammering.

"My entire life fell apart hours before we boarded, and instead of being your usual self, you… helped me. You let me lean on you. You let me feel safe. And then you told me about your childhood, and suddenly, I wasn't alone in mine."

His jaw twitched. His fingers flexed against his knee like he wanted to move, to reach for something, me? But ultimately stopped himself.

I kept going. I had to.

"And then we land here. In paradise. And I let you in, in ways I never thought I would let anyone else in." My voice wavered, but I didn't stop. "We crossed the one boundary I held for myself, and it didn't kill me. And now? Now when I see you, all I want to do is sit on your face."

A laugh broke out of me, sharp and unsteady.

He let out a quiet chuckle, but he didn't look away.

"It's just too much, too soon," I admitted. "And what makes it worse is… I like it. I like having sex with you. More than I cared to admit. But then I see you with Hannah tonight, and she's bubbly, and beautiful, and doesn't have a fucked-up past, and she's perfect. And… I didn't even feel jealous. I just felt like a horrible person. One minute I'm smiling in her face and then the next I'm jumping on top of you."

I exhaled, forcing the final words out.

"And then there's Erik. Erik isn't even here yet, and just thinking about him getting here has me spiraling because he deserves better. They both do."

His stare was unreadable. His face was unreadable.

"I don't know how much longer we can keep doing this," I whispered. "But I don't know how much longer I'd be able to stay away either."

I dropped my head. I didn't want to see his reaction to that.

Didn't want to see the moment this all fell apart. I brought myself to look at him finally. His composure was still stiff. 

His lips parted slightly before they closed again. He wants to say something but can't bring himself to. Until finally—

"I…I'm sorry." Nothing else came after that. Just 'I'm sorry'.