Chapter 35. I Did Something Bad.

"This is how the world works. You gotta leave before you get left."

After tossing and turning for thirty minutes, I finally slipped into a deep sleep. Three whole hours of uninterrupted rest, something I hadn't realized I was desperate for. It gave my body just enough time to recover from everything that had been weighing me down. But peace never lasts long. Sooner or later, I'd have to face the mess I made. And the first step? Talking to Justin. No matter how mad I was, I had to fix it, for everyone's sake. If not for me, then to keep things from getting unbearable for the people around us.

I stewed in bed for a while but I couldn't avoid it much longer. I got up and got dressed, throwing my blue bathing suit on with a flowy dress over that. I brushed my teeth, fearing I still smelled like my horrid morning and brushed my hair before I finally stepped out of my room. The minute I walked out I heard a lot of noises coming from downstairs. I wondered if Justin was still in the den waiting for me but when I walked past the den I was only met with an empty glass of water on the table and the blanket he threw over me in the morning. I was almost grateful he wasn't there, I needed to be out of the sleep fog to really get everything off my chest. 

Once I made it all the way down I was met with the familiar voices of Marshall, Mallory and Dani hanging around the kitchen. 

"Good morning everyone." My voice was still raspy from all the heaving earlier. 

"Sunshine. You're finally joining us!" Dani's voice was low but still cheery. She walked over and gave me a quick hug. "How are you doing? Were you able to talk to Erik?" She let go of our embrace and I walked over to the stool to take a seat next to Mallory. Without missing a beat Marshall poured me a cup of coffee and handed it to me along with milk and sugar. 

I poured a splash of milk as I started telling them about my night. "Well I talked to Mals about it earlier but uh yeah we talked about it. Kind of. I apologized for not telling him but that was as far as I went. I was pretty wasted." 

Dani took a sip of her coffee and offered me a sweet smile. "Oh good I'm glad you talked it out at least enough." 

"Yeah they talked and…" Mallory glared at me with a mischievous smile and I just rolled my eyes hoping not to get questioned. 

"Wait, what else happened?" Dani's eyes shot up from her drink and over to me. 

"We just talked and made out. Not that serious." I could feel the heat rushing to my face and my smile rising gave me away. 

Marshall had been quietly watching the back and forth but I know he was just as interested in finding out when he asked, "just made out? That was it?" 

I couldn't help but laugh, he wanted the gossip just as badly. "Yes. We just made out. I promise. Did I want more? Maybe. Did I get more? No I swear!" I threw my hands up in defense and Dani shrieked a little before she stopped and gave me a pointed look. 

"Wait but what about Justin? Have y'all talked? He looked pissed earlier. He's been in that gym in the garage for like an hour or so, probably still blowing off steam." Dani looked down at her watch for a second. 

"I don't know if you heard me this morning but I was puking for like an eternity. But he was out here with me, helping me out but we haven't talked about anything that happened last night. He was about to but then we caught Nancy sneaking out of their room." I added an extra spoonful of sugar, knowing I would need some sweetness to outweigh the bitterness I still felt from our argument. 

"He'll get over it. He's just not good at dealing with his emotions. From what I heard he and Hannah got into an argument in the front lawn as well." Marshall added his two cents and I wasn't too surprised that Justin also argued with Hannah. 

"Yikes, he is not having any luck with the ladies." Dani chimed in. 

Mallory cleared her throat slightly and looked over at me. "I was gonna tell you earlier, Auggie, but I completely forgot. Hannah texted me last night asking if Justin was in your room by chance. I guess he wasn't responding to her texts so I peeped my head out of my door and that's when I saw Erik slip into your room. She has Justin on a tight leash!" 

"He did come to my room but Erik was already there and basically told him to leave me alone." I laughed but it didn't reach my eyes. I felt uncomfortable knowing Hannah was looking for Justin but he wasn't responding to her. Probably in the hopes that he would be able to fix the issues right then and there. 

Dani raised an eyebrow and had a small smirk. "Damn I didn't think Erik had it in him to be territorial. Well he's got his work cut out 'cause Justin is not easy to push around." 

"Well Erik doesn't have to do anything cause Justin and I…whatever we were… it's kinda over. It just never works out. I should've listened to you Dani. Sex with friends never works. Ever. So we are not hooking up." 

"Yeah until you guys are alone together." Marshall muttered and we all turned to look at him unable to contain our laughs. 

"Oh, whatever!" I playfully rolled my eyes. "I'm telling you guys that ship has—"

I stopped mid sentence the minute I saw Justin turn the corner. He was shirtless, sweaty and looked upset. He offered everyone a hello and a tight lipped smile. I thought I was ready to face him, but the second we locked eyes, my stomach twisted so violently I wasn't sure I could even stand.

"Hey August, feeling better?" His voice was even but his eyes said something different. He stood at the opposite side of the counter from me with his arms crossed. I could feel everyone's eyes bounce from him to me as I started talking. 

"I feel better. The nap helped for sure." I mirrored his smile but instantly looked down at my coffee. The air in my lungs felt tight the more he stared at me. He stood there quietly like he was studying me, trying to see a crack in my facade. 

"Well I'll catch you guys later, I'm gonna go shower," he waved as he walked past us and up the stairs. Everyone turned to look at me in an instant. I just gave them an awkward smile and tried to ignore how my cheeks were turning a noticeable red shade. 

We sat around the counter for a while longer. Just talking about our drunken night, Dani was already planning another one and my anxiety was refusing to let me enjoy any of the conversations. I stirred my coffee hoping to calm my nerves but nothing worked so I figured a cold dip in the pool would liven me up. 

"I'm gonna go for a swim, I still feel a little woozy, maybe the water will help." I stood up from my stool and set my mug in the sink. 

Dani stood up from the stool as well. "We'll be out in a bit, we just gotta change into some swimwear. I'm assuming we're having a lazy day? I know a few of the others are going out but I have no energy." 

"I'm staying in for sure, I think they want to go to some caves but I'd rather tan! I'll change now. Be down soon." Mallory got up and headed straight for the stairs. 

Moments later Marshall and Dani walked to their room while I grabbed my sunscreen and a water bottle and headed outside. I decided to let Erik know I was awake, and as I unlocked my phone I noticed he had texted me a couple of times. 

Erik: "Hey let me know when you wake up, I'll be over here at my place." 10:21am 

Erik: "a few of us are going cave diving, let me know if you'd be interested in joining. 10:52pm

Erik: "I just spoke to Mallory, I'm glad you're getting rest just text me when you wake up. Maybe we can have dinner together." 12:10pm 

August: "I'm so sorry! I'm barely alive. I took a nap and knocked out until a few minutes ago. I'll probably be out in the pool. Take pics of the caves! Have fun." 

Erik: "glad you got some rest. Enjoy your pool time. We're here already. I'll talk to you later." 

I guess with Erik gone, I'm out of excuses. The conversation I've been dreading is officially unavoidable. I made my way outside and began to apply sunscreen. The air felt thick from the humidity but also from all the unresolved tension in my chest. I was grateful for the waves. They were steady, relentless, drowning out the noise in my head just enough to let me breathe.

I grabbed one of the lounge floats and tossed it in the pool. I wanted the cool water to wrap around me but I had no energy to swim. I took a deep breath as I walked down the pool steps, letting the water surround me. I grabbed the float and jumped on, the cold water trailed down my back sending a chill through my spine. This is exactly what I needed. The sun was hot, the water was cold, the waves flowing through the shore were loud, nothing could ruin this moment. 

I laid there quietly, letting the water soothe me. I knew eventually I'd have to face my issues but right now? The only thing I wanted was to get a tan and maybe another nap in. Moments later I heard Mallory's voice trailing from the door, asking Dani something about lunch. 

"Hey pretty girl, you look relaxed. And I hate to ruin it for you but your boyfriend is done showering and is going to join us," she walked over to the edge of the pool and spoke loud enough for only me to hear. 

"My what…whatever, ugh so much for a relaxing day." I muttered. "I'm not ready to face the madness I created." I laughed a little, putting on my sunglasses, hoping to relax enough before the inevitable happens. 

Mallory flicked water at me as she walked down the steps of the pool. She grabbed the edge of my float and pulled me with her, causing my laughter to come out easier than earlier. She laid down on one of the submerged loungers, putting her glasses on, moments later I heard Dani and Marshall approaching. Easy smiles on their faces, drinks in their hands, once again looking like they stepped off of a magazine shoot. Dani joined Mallory on the submerged loungers while Marshall opted to just put his feet in. 

The conversation flowed easily, running through a million topics in the time span of thirty minutes, right before Justin walked out. It was almost like the energy shifted in the air, something heavy pressed on me as I turned just enough to see him greeting Marshall at the edge of the pool. 

"Hey ladies," Justin's voice came out steady. Mallory and Dani echoed his hello, while I just waved and turned back to face the sky. I heard his footsteps at the edge of the pool but I didn't bother looking. This morning I was so hazy that I ignored any resentment I had from last night, but now that I felt better, everything was coming back to me in sharp vivid sounds. But you're not the sun, August. You're just a hot girl in a bikini that gets what she wants by crying to the boss. Stings even more now than last night. I let out a loud exhale that I'm sure everyone heard but ignored. 

A couple seconds later Justin spoke up. "Actually before I get in, I'm gonna get a beer. Does anyone want anything while I'm inside?" 

Dani was the first to respond, "I'm good love, I have a martini already."

"I'm okay as well, thank you!" Mallory chimed in. 

"All good man, I got my drink already too." Marshall added. 

I stayed quiet, not wanting to engage but also because the last thing I wanted was to drink anything but water. 

"August?" Justin's voice cut through my thoughts. 

I paused for a second and finally looked over at him, he had an eyebrow raised slightly, waiting for my response. "No…thanks." In the same beat he turned around and went back inside. I still just didn't want to talk to him, this morning was one thing but now, now I wasn't sure how I was going to be able to sit through a whole conversation with him.

"Auggie, you're gonna have to eventually give him more than 'no thanks' especially if he is being civil." Dani reached over and grabbed the edge of my float and brought me closer, I sat up to see her pointed look at me. 

"I'm being civil! We will talk about it later, right now I just want to stop getting dragged through the pool and just relax." I let my foot hang off the edge of the float and flicked water at her, causing her to squeal and throw water back at me. And finally some of my tension eased up. She was right, I had to give him more, maybe when we get a chance alone I'll get it over with. 

Justin came back with a beer in hand and the conversation around the pool flowed, light and easy, but I felt my attention slipping. The weight of the silence between Justin and me hung like a storm cloud, just waiting for the thunder to roll. I could hear the others laughing, talking about random things, but everything felt muffled, like the noise was coming from underwater.

Eventually, the tension in my muscles grew too much to ignore. I stood up, making my way toward the shallow end of the pool, letting the cool water splash around my legs.

"Where are you going?" Mallory called out, squinting up at me.

"I'm just gonna dry off for a sec," I said, not wanting to make a scene but needing a moment of distance. I glanced quickly at Justin, my stomach flipping when I saw him looking back at me. Then I turned away, shaking my head at the mess I'd gotten myself into.

"Don't disappear, The pizza's almost here!" Dani called after me, but I just waved her off, a small smile tugging at my lips, though it was more from the weight lifting off my chest than anything else.

I stepped out of the pool, the tiles cool against my wet feet, and grabbed my towel, wiping my arms and legs dry. A soft breeze brushed over my skin as I made my way to the patio table, making me feel a little less claustrophobic in the heat. 

"Oh wait! Pizza's here!" Mallory's voice echoed from the pool as she stepped out with her phone in hand. 

"Finally!" Dani exclaimed. "I'm starving." Following closely behind Mallory. 

Marshall stood up from the edge of the pool, shaking off any water he had around his feet. "I'll help y'all bring it out." He added, already moving toward the door. They didn't hesitate; the conversation shifted easily to their next task. The sound of their voices faded as they filed inside. The door to the house clicked shut behind them, and suddenly, it was just the two of us again.

I was left standing by the table, my towel wrapped around me, eyes on Justin as he hesitated, still sitting with his feet in the water at the edge of the pool. But then seconds later he stood up, almost instantly facing me. I could see the hesitation in his face as he took his first couple of steps, eventually making it over to me. The air leaving my lungs with each step he took. I decided to throw my dress on over me and I placed the towel on the chair. 

"Still doing okay? I know this morning was rough." Justin's voice was low, treading lightly as he walked a little closer to me. 

I took a small step back, giving myself enough distance. "Honestly yeah I feel better, thanks."

"Good, I'm glad, so uh I wanted to apologize for last night. Things got a little out of hand." He talked slowly, like he was choosing his words carefully. 

"Yeah you can say that." I crossed my arms, still feeling a bit resistant. Our eyes met, not breaking eye contact but neither of us spoke. The waves in the background grew louder, they mimicked how I felt on the inside. 

His eyebrow twitched, I could tell he was slowly losing his patience with me. "I know I fucked up. But I'm not the only one here, August," he crossed his arms and now he looked mad. Which only fueled my own fire. 

"Are you saying this is all my fault?" I dropped my arms to my hips, I could feel my voice more steady. 

"I didn't say it was only your fault," he muttered, but there was an edge in his voice that told me he didn't fully believe that. "But you can't act like you're the only one who got hurt last night."

I shook my head, the words from last night still hanging in the air like smoke. "You really think I'm the one who needs to apologize after what you said?" My voice was low, but the anger was unmistakable. "You called me—what was it?—'a hot girl in a bikini who gets what she wants by crying to the boss.' Not once but twice." I said it slowly, letting the words sink in, trying to make him feel the weight of what he said. "Is that how you really see me, Justin? Because if that's the case, I don't even know why I'm still here talking to you."

His jaw clenched, his eyes narrowing. "August, I didn't mean it like that," he said, but I could tell from his face that he didn't entirely believe it himself. "I was just angry and that's the first thing I thought of."

My hands were shaking now, the anger bubbling to the surface. "You don't get to say something like that and just sweep it under the rug. You don't get to hurt me and then act like I'm the one who needs to apologize."

Justin shifted uncomfortably, clearly trying to figure out how to make this right, but I could see it in his eyes he wasn't sure anything would work. "I'm sorry." His words felt a little too late. "I fucked up. I shouldn't have said that. And I'm sorry for how I treated you before at work. But you hurt me too." He swallowed hard, the expression on his face pained but not fully remorseful. "You don't get to act like you're completely innocent in this though. And then to turn around and fuck Erik in the same night. For what? To spite me?" 

He finally spit out why he was actually angry with me. He thinks I slept with Erik, he thought it in the morning when he saw my opened robe and he's been harboring that resentment all day. 

"What are you even talking about Justin? I didn't do that. And what you said was fucking mean. I might have said something that wasn't nice but you were vicious to be vicious." I said, the frustration choking me as I bit my tongue holding back more of what I wanted to say.

"Oh really? You didn't fuck him? Just… look me in the eyes and tell me you didn't." His voice was quieter now, almost cautious, like he wasn't sure if he wanted to hear the answer.

I pushed past him, unable to take much more. I opened the door to the house, Mallory, Dani and Marshall were around the kitchen counter. They immediately turned around when they heard us walk in. 

Justin followed closely behind me, I turned around and spoke through gritted teeth. "I can't do this right now Justin. I just can't." 

"No August." His voice was loud, causing Mallory and Dani to stop their conversation. "You don't get to run from me again. Erik might let you push him around, but I'm not him. We're fucking talking about this and we're figuring this the fuck out." 

"Woah hey man, we're not doing that," Marshall cut in, his voice was steady but it echoed a little through the house. 

Justin stopped in his tracks and turned to him. "Please just stay out of this." 

Marshall quietly walked up in between Justin and I. "Then watch how you talk to her otherwise you're gonna have a problem with me too." 

They stood there, staring at each other like they were waiting for the other to back down. And it wasn't until Justin exhaled that the tension simmered down enough for Marshall to step back. I turned to look at Mallory and Dani who mirrored my concern. Until finally Justin spoke. 

"I'm sorry man." Justin shook his head lightly and pinched the bridge of his nose like he was trying to hold himself together. 

"It's not me who you need to apologize to, I might have let it slide how you spoke to her last night but not today." I'd never seen Marshall so serious before, I didn't know whether to thank him or just stay quiet. I decided to stay out of it. Unable to even come up with the words to ease any tension between them. 

Seconds later the three of them prepared to walk outside, Marshall assuring me he was close by if I needed him and even though he was angry at him, he gave Justin a hug whispering something I couldn't hear in his ear. 

I turned to look at Justin and I just shook my head. I didn't know how much more I could take. I pointed up to my room and we both headed up without saying anything. The minute we walked into the room I slammed the door behind us. My emotions bubbled too high at this point. 

"I'm telling you we didn't have sex Justin." This time I was the one who yelled, not holding back, not worrying if anyone else could hear it. 

"You were naked August! Don't lie to me, August. Don't make me feel crazy for this. He obviously slept over." The intensity in his eyes flickered slightly. His tone was firm and sharp but not loud. "I saw your bare chest this morning. If it wasn't sex then clearly something happened. But of course it's always a double standard with you. It's okay that he pursues you and you pursue him. But I can't give Hannah an ounce of my attention without you feeling like you're losing me." His voice matched mine, it was now loud enough to echo but he quickly quieted down. The vein in his head was peering through. He was angry. Angrier than I'd ever seen him. 

"We made out and that was it. I was topless but you can't accuse me of double standards. That's not fair. I literally have never stopped you from spending time with her. Ever. So don't pin that on me if you're not spending time with her." My voice was still loud, I couldn't calm down the anger that brewed inside me. Not anymore. 

His eyebrows furrowed, but he didn't say anything. He just watched me with a quiet intensity. He parted his lips but quickly closed them. I sat on the bed, leaning my body up against the headboard. We both stayed quiet, he walked over and sat at the foot of the bed facing me. 

He let out a long exhale and finally started talking. "I don't want you having sex with him."

What? I couldn't believe the words that came out of his mouth. I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms. "Are you being serious right now?"

"If YOU get to tell ME NOT to have sex with Hannah then I think it's fair that I get to tell you I don't want you having sex with him." I saw the anger in his eyes. I saw the hurt, I saw in his eyes what I felt in mine. But neither was backing down. Not when it felt like we had everything to lose. 

"That's different!" I shouted, even if I didn't believe what I was saying I knew I wasn't going to back down. 

He scooted closer to me, his voice was low but firm. "How? How is it any different?" 

I swallowed hard but stayed quiet because I really didn't know how it was any different. And that's when a thought came over me. I didn't realize how jealous I was thinking of her with him. I didn't want to face that one day it would happen but if I wanted it with Erik I guess I couldn't stop him any longer. But for him to throw back the ask of not sleeping with Erik. I never expected it. 

"August…" his voice was more quiet now, his eyebrows pleading. "I've bent to every whim you've asked of me without resistance. Please. Don't have sex with him. Not yet. I just—I can't take that yet." He didn't face me when he spoke, like he couldn't watch my reaction. 

For the first time I was speechless, I didn't know what to say to his plea's, I was still angry but was it even worth it at this point? Because I never asked him to not sleep with her that I was certain about. 

"Justin…" I took a deep breath and scooted closer to him, "I never said you couldn't sleep with her. I said if you did sleep with her then I wasn't going to sleep with you. You can do whatever you want." 

He instantly formed a scowl, anger filled his face as he stood up. 

"And who do you think I chose, August?" His hands formed tight fists and he took a step back. He was waiting for me to say something. But what could I say? I never asked him to pick me. We said we would see where it would take us with Erik and Hannah. So why am I being blamed for him making a choice? 

"Justin! That's not fair. I never asked you to choose one or the other. I never wanted you to feel like you had to pick when I asked that of you. We're having unprotected sex and I felt weird about you having sex with her. But—"

"So then the same logic applies here, August. If you want to fuck him, fine. But don't come crawling back to me if he doesn't do it for you." And with that he walked away before I could respond. 

But before he made it to the door I jumped off the bed and ran in front of him. I wasn't going to let him leave, not yet, not after this. 

"What the hell is that supposed to mean? 'Crawling back to you?' Justin, you think this is easy for me? You think I don't feel like the worst person in the world when I look into his eyes and tell him I see a future with him but then turn around and I can't…I can't stop wanting you." I could feel my voice getting shaky, the anger melting into more frustration tangled with a twist of sadness. "I can't stop wanting to share secret moments with you. I can't stop wanting the feeling of how you grab me and pull me in." 

He didn't say anything, he just stepped closer to me, so close I had to look up at him. Seconds later he put his hands on my shoulders and in the same beat gripped tighter and moved me out of the way of the door. He opened it with just as much urgency and slammed it hard behind him. Leaving me behind, reveling in the wake of the ashes from the fire between us. But before he could make it too far I went running right after him.