Chapter 39. Run.

"There's a heart on your sleeve, I'll take it when I leave and hold it for you."

My hand stayed tangled in Erik's the rest of the night, even after the game ended and people shifted on different levels of the boat. His hand stayed firm in mine, melting me and hardening me all at once. 

But now that we were alone, I had so many questions to ask but I didn't know if it was my place and I didn't know where to start. 

He sensed my hesitation as we walked over to a small nook where we took a seat. He let go of my hand but I threw my legs around his lap and he pulled them closer to him, gently caressing my thigh. 

It was just us two, no more distractions, no more hiding behind a game. His lips parted and he pushed himself to talk. "So uh skinny dipping huh?" His voice was teasing but I could tell there's a hint of genuine curiosity. 

And I could feel the way he was watching me but I refused to make eye contact, not when I was blushing so hard. I had forgotten that I never told him, so I shouldn't be surprised that he was surprised to hear that. 

"It was a tequila-fueled night." I laughed, like I was trying to convince him I would never do this under normal circumstances. 

"I figured as much. So what, you and the girls just decided to be wild?" His eyebrow perked, and his smirk stayed in place. 

I faltered before telling him the truth for the first time. "Uhm no it was Dani, Justin, Marshall and I, we were in the hot tub late at night and obviously Dani pushed me to my limits but the tequila really had me saying 'fuck it' and yeah we all ran into the ocean butt naked." 

Erik isn't the jealous type but I could've sworn I saw a flicker of something close to it when I mentioned Justin's name. Like he wanted to be jealous but knew he couldn't because I wasn't officially his. But what caught my attention more was the fact that Justin, just at the sheer thought of me being with Erik, had sent him over the edge. But sitting here telling Erik without a shadow of a doubt that Justin had seen me naked in any context, he still didn't give me more than just a small humorless laugh.

"Guess I really should've gotten to Hawaii sooner." His voice was casual but the implication of what he wasn't saying definitely lingered. 

So I decided to push him a little. He wanted to act surprised when he was the one who dropped a bombshell, admitting to having had a threesome. Not to mention doing it in a dressing room. He wasn't going to be let off easy. 

I laughed a little and leaned in a bit. "Mhm sure, Mr. Threesome." I challenged him slightly. "Threesomes and sex in a very public location, I'm kinda intimidated. I'm not going to lie." My voice was playful but underneath was a sharp edge. I know I had no leg to stand on but those are two things I don't think I've ever even considered doing. 

"Nah we're not moving past the skinny dipping that fast," he laughed. "You really threw caution to the wind, didn't you?" His smile softened slightly and I could tell whatever tinge of jealousy he felt, he hid further down so I wouldn't see it again. 

"Listen, I grew up very sheltered so given my newfound freedom, that's the best I could do. But you…that was shocking. You do not peg me for the two at a time type." I laughed but only because I was trying to cover the discomfort I felt. Like him, having slept with two people at the same time somehow was the worst thing in the world. 

He shook his head and laughed. "I was going through a rough patch at the time. I guess you could say I was coping." 

"Hm okay. I'll drop that. But what's your excuse for fucking in a dressing room?" My words came out playfully but truthfully speaking, I wanted answers. 

He stared at me for a minute, but I didn't back down. "It was stupid honestly. I was young and rebellious. And we were really fucking lucky we didn't get caught."

"So was she a girlfriend or like a stranger you met at the mall and just decided to hook up with?" My eyebrow raised, my voice full of curiosity. I pried for more than I ever had in the past. 

"Uhm it was my high school girlfriend, well ex fiancé actually." He paused for a second, letting it sit with me that he was once engaged and I had no idea. A knot formed in my stomach. It felt like I truly knew nothing about him at this point. "We were together for about seven years, since sophomore year in high school and we had just gotten engaged so we were doing it practically everywhere and anywhere." 

"Oh…" My voice came out softer than I imagined it would. "Why did you guys…end the engagement?" 

He stared at me for a second, his hand stopped caressing my legs. His face went stoic, almost unreadable. "The classic 'we both wanted different things' trope. She wanted to live life in luxury and I refused to use my last name as leverage when I was applying for internships." He took a deep breath, and he began caressing my legs once again, like doing that would keep him grounded. "The closer we got to college graduation the more insistent she became about me stepping into Marino & Co. the way dad wanted me to. From a high level position, but that just wasn't me. My entire life I'd told myself the wealth I have isn't mine. It's my family's. I wanted to make a name for myself and she wanted the easy route. She wanted what was already there. We tried making it work but ultimately we went our separate ways when she slept with my best friend." His lips shut tight after that, I could tell he was hurting. 

I didn't know what to say. What do I say after being told that not only was he engaged once but she had cheated on him. With his best friend at that. And here I was thinking about how Justin basically begged me not to sleep with Erik yet because he wasn't ready to 'share me'. Here I was stuck between what felt good and what 'felt' good. 

But here Erik was, guarded for all the right reasons. Protecting himself from hurt he already knew all too well. 

I didn't say anything, I couldn't. So instead I reached out my hand searching for his, and after a moment of hesitation he let our fingers intertwine. 

"I had a threesome after I found out she cheated. Like I was trying to hurt her the way she hurt me but truthfully, the whole experience was awful. And it's not like I didn't want it, I did. But sex without feeling connected to the person just doesn't hit the same way that it does when there's love or a true connection." His words lingered as they came out and they hit me harder than I wanted them too. It felt like he was holding up a mirror to me, forcing me to see what I've been closing my eyes too. 

Because either this really was just meaningless sex with Justin or my emotions were more involved with Justin than I ever intended them to be. But before I could answer myself, Erik's voice cut through my deep thoughts. 

"That's enough trauma dumping for one night." He said, just loud enough for me to hear. "I guess it must be weird for you to go from being extremely sheltered to all the freedom in the world right?"

I let the question sit with me for a second. My life spun so fast I don't think I ever let that settle. The fact that I went from one extreme to the next. "It's definitely been a culture shock. Like there are times where my head immediately tells me my mom wouldn't approve of doing something but then I'm reminded that at this point I don't have a mom. Truthfully I haven't given myself any time to cope with the fact that my world flipped upside down. And I've been trying to ignore the fact that I don't have anywhere to live when I get back home." I looked down at my hands, trying to avoid his piercing stare. 

"I wish you would just accept my offer and move in with me. We can keep whatever we have going on separate." His voice was steady, but I still avoided looking at him. His offer before sounding appealing but now, I don't know. 

"I told you, I don't feel comfortable. We are…whatever we are and I'm not ready to tangle you in my life when it's falling apart." 

"But that's what partnerships are. We show up for each other when we need it the most. What's your other option? Living in your car? August I have the space for you." He held onto my hand tightly, shaking it so I would look at him but I refused. And he knew that. 

"Erik, please. Not right now." My voice was shaky but I held firm. And this time I looked at him, pleading with him to drop the conversation. 

He let go of my hand and reached over to lightly grab my face, making me hold eye contact with him. "Then when August? We leave in five days. Please let me help." His eyes begged for more. Begged for me to just fall into him but something kept pulling me back. Something held on tighter to me than allowing myself to be helped. I didn't respond, I couldn't. He cupped my face with both his hands now and pulled me in enough to kiss my forehead. A soft but firm kiss. 

We sat in silence listening to the distant noises of the group. I kept my legs on his lap and we just sat there quietly. My head spun in a million directions. I couldn't keep putting off figuring out my living situation since we really were only five days away before having to go back home. But tonight I was just going to relax and let that be an issue for tomorrow. 

The boat rocked back and forth gently as it coasted on the water. The air was humid but cool enough to make it easy to breathe even if my own chest was making it difficult to. I looked at Erik, studying him as he scrolled silently through his phone. I watched as he smiled at a video of a cat, and the little crinkle at the corner of his eye that would always melt my heart appeared for a second. His other hand mindlessly caressed my thigh that was still laying on top of his lap. Moments later Mallory walked over to us. 

Her smile was comforting, she didn't sense any tension that still lingered around us. "Hey we're having shots on the top deck if you two want to join us."

I shifted enough to pull my legs off of him, and then I stood up. I needed a break from the heaviness I still felt. "I'm in. Can I do a shot of water instead?" I joked. 

Erik stood up shortly after me, "why not." He said. 

We followed Mallory to the top deck where everyone else was already waiting around with a shot glass on everyone's hand. Marshall handed each of us a shot glass, I took a small whiff and it was vodka. This screams bad news, so I knew I had to take it slow. 

We took the shot and immediately my entire body warmed up as the liquid flowed down my throat and into my stomach. I glanced around watching everyone cough and grimace. My eyes flicked to Erik whose gaze was stuck on me. I knew he didn't like how we left things but for tonight we would leave it like that. 

The heat of the liquor continued running through me and before I could step away someone suggested another round of shots. As Marshall walked over to pour my shot, I paused mid-motion unsure if I wanted or needed another. Dani gave me a look from across the room and though i didn't want it, I let him refill my shot glass. 

Again, we threw back another shot and hearing the laughter around me, I knew where this was heading. Seconds later Jacob and Allie walked over to me, drinks in hand. Allie handed me a seltzer and I begrudgingly took it from her. 

"I can't believe how fast time flew by. Feels like we just landed yesterday." She grinned wide, the kind of smile that made it seem like she had never known a bad day. Something I was currently dreaming of. 

"It really did go by so fast." I cracked open the drink and took a small sip. "Any fun plans when we get back home?" Trying to push down the discomfort that settled deep in me, anything to get the thoughts out of my head. I don't know what I'm feeling more of right now, guilt or uncertainty. 

Jacob's smile was easier than normal, that could only mean he was definitely feeling the drinks from earlier. "We're thinking about renting a cabin in Spokane soon, you and Erik should join us. Wait are you guys official or ha—"

Allie smacked his arm before he could finish his sentence. "You'll have to excuse him, he's had far too many to drink. But definitely you should join us, Marshall and Dani are already signed up to go with us." She looped her arm around Jacob and pulled him away, taking a seat in a far corner away from the group. 

I was finally alone with my thoughts so I walked over to the edge of the bridge deck. I gripped the railing with one hand while I brought my drink up to my lips. With each sip I took I could feel a light buzz creeping, and a haze began forming around my thoughts. 

Finally I was able to breathe without any outside source pressing me into a new corner. But of course it was short lived as I could see Justin approaching me in my periphery. His hand gripped the railing as he leaned close, a smirk wrapped around his lips. 

"Ditching your boyfriend already?" His voice cut through my quiet thoughts. 

I didn't turn to look at him. I just took another sip of my drink, letting the burn settle before I responded. Don't engage. Don't give him the satisfaction.

"Not my boyfriend, but I didn't realize I needed a chaperone," I said coolly.

Justin stepped closer, just enough that I could feel the heat of him next to me. "Yeah? 'Cause from where I'm standing, you look pretty damn unattended."

I finally turned my head, meeting his gaze. His expression was unreadable as he slowly turned to me. "I'm fine," I said, forcing a smirk. "You don't have to check in on me."

He scoffed. "Yeah. Not what I'm doing." But he didn't move, didn't walk away. Just stood there, close enough to make my heart pick up speed, close enough that it felt like we were the only ones on the deck. But we weren't alone. I took a step back, forcing space between us.

My heart wasn't settling, not with the way he was staring at me. I needed space before people questioned whether we were actually upset with one another or before I took him up on his offer to meet him up on the top deck later tonight. 

"I'm mad at you, remember." I leaned enough for him to hear my whispers. 

His smirk didn't move. "Oh right, wouldn't want to make your boyfriend jealous." 

"Not my—"

Footsteps approached and a familiar voice cut me off. "Hey you two, did we finally make up?" Dani wrapped her arm around my shoulder and then she looped her arm through Justin's. 

"It's gonna take a lot more than a thirty second conversation and two shots." I joked. 

"Then let's make it three shots!" She tugged us away from the railing and forced us back to the bar area. I glanced at Justin who was more amused than I was. Especially because Erik was tending the bar. 

"These two need another shot please!" Dani's voice was full of enthusiasm, it was hard to turn down. Erik's expression was mixed with confusion and playfulness. She walked away in the same beat as we turned to Erik. 

"Okay, what will it be?" Erik asked. 

"Vodka." Justin and I said in unison. Because the universe loves a cliché.

Erik paused for a second, his eyes flicked between Justin and I. His lips formed a small, tightened smile, like he was trying to process something he couldn't quite place.

A small chuckle escaped him, but it didn't fully reach his eyes. He was clearly trying to maintain his composure, but I could tell it wasn't sitting right with him. He grabbed the vodka bottle with a bit more force than necessary, pouring it into the shot glasses.

"Vodka it is," Erik said, his voice neutral but with the smallest inflection. He set the glasses down, keeping his expression even, but there was an unmistakable sense of control in his demeanor, as though he was aware of the tension but wasn't going to let it rattle him.

 We picked up the glasses and slowly turned to look at each other and clinked our shot glasses before throwing the shot back. I glanced over at Erik who was still watching us closely, seconds later Justin patted my shoulder and walked away. 

"See you later kid," Justin's voice trailed as he continued walking. 

I watched as he walked over to Hannah, Nancy and Hunter, watched as he threw his arm over Hannah and pulled her to the side. Watched as he glanced briefly over to me before looking away. And then I remembered I'm supposed to be mad at him according to us, and I know Erik was watching me watch him. I let out a long exhale and rolled my eyes as I turned to face Erik. He offered a controlled smile, one that didn't quite reach his eyes. My smile didn't reach my eyes either. We both knew something was off but neither of us wanted to say or admit anything. Our eyes stayed connected for a beat longer, nothing was said just the tightness in my chest and the smiles pressed on our lips. 

His lips parted as he grabbed the glasses in front of me. "Can I get you anything else?" 

"No, I'm okay, actually maybe some water?" I sat on the stool across from the bar top, as much as I didn't want to, I knew I had to play the part. He handed me a cold water bottle and opened it for me. I took a small sip, and set it down. 

"How'd you get stuck tending to the bar?" I asked, my voice came out tighter than I meant for it to. Like it hurt me to talk. 

He laughed, low and breathy. "I was making myself a drink and then before I knew it everyone was asking me for something so I just kinda stayed. I was about to leave and then Dani brought you two over." 

"Yeah sorry about that, she asked if he and I were friendly again and I joked that it would take more than just two shots to make everything okay and hence the shot." I felt like I was over-explaining. Like I had this real but elaborate story as to why he and I would be taking shots together. But he didn't seem to read too much into it.

"What about us? How many shots is it going to take for us to be okay?" He leaned his elbows on the bar, clasping his hands together, his smile was easy, more playful now. 

"I don't know, it depends how upset you are with me for not saying yes to being helped?" I narrowed my eyes playfully at him, he laughed as he stood up straight. And without skipping a beat he poured two shots, pushing one in front of me. It was a quiet challenge, I knew he was upset but he wasn't going to say it. I grabbed the shot and clinked my glass with his and tossed it back. I set it down and coughed lightly, but before I could even say anything he poured another shot. 

"Drinks don't fix everything, but they do make things a little easier to ignore." He smiled but his words came out sharp as he brought the second shot up to his lips and took it in the same breath. I stalled for a second, watching him as he finished the shot. His words clung to me though, what exactly was he ignoring? Was it me not wanting his help or maybe he knows more about Justin and I then I'd want him to. I pushed the feeling down and finally took the second shot. His gaze was fixed on me as I set the glass down, I half expected him to pour another one but instead he pushed my water bottle closer to me. Insisting I drink more water now. Without fighting it, I took a big gulp. 

I bit the side of my cheek, trying to stop the words from coming out of my mouth. But the alcohol was starting to win a battle I wasn't ready to fight. "Okay, I'll consider moving in with you." I don't know why I even said that, but before I could take it back he spoke. 

He stared at me briefly. Maybe waiting to see if I took back what I just said, but when I stayed quiet, he smiled. Letting out a small exhale. "Okay, I'll accept that for now. But just know you're not alone, you have me in your corner." He stepped back from the counter and walked over to where I was sitting.

He put his arms around me and pulled me into a gentle, lingering hug. At first, I held myself stiff, but the warmth of his hold made it impossible not to settle. I wrapped my arms around his waist and rested my head on his chest. I felt him lean down, placing a soft, tender kiss on the top of my head, further melting me into him. I stayed in his embrace longer than I realized, like he was taking the weight off of my shoulders. We finally pulled back enough to reach each other's gaze. I smiled, a genuine smile that I had been suppressing letting whatever I was feeling slip away as the moment continued between us. 

He leaned down to my ear and whispered. "Mountains August, I'd move mountains for that smile." I felt a rush of warmth flow through my entire body. On our first date he told me the same thing and from that moment on he has held true to his word. But while I enjoyed how it made me feel it also made the guilt in me grow, because while I dedicated my time to him, to us, and to whatever we were building, I knew I always had one foot out the door with Justin on the other side of it. And almost like I called for him, Justin and Hannah walked straight over to us. Erik gave me one more squeeze and walked back to the other end of the bar, tending to it one more time.