Chapter 40. I Think He Knows.

"I think he knows when we get all alone, I'll make myself at home and he'll want me to stay."

Hannah set her hands down on the counter calmly. Sharing a sweet smile to me, then glancing over at Erik. "Can you pour some shots for us please!" She asked as she batted her eyes at Erik, and I felt a tinge of awkwardness as I sat there quietly. "Don't forget about one for you and Auggie." She reached her hand out and lightly ran it over my shoulder, she pulled me into her and I felt even more awkward. Though I could tell she was more drunk than I was, so I let it go. I watched as Erik poured us each a shot. I didn't think I needed one and it seemed like Erik silently agreed because he didn't fill my shot to the top.

We all raised our glasses and said "cheers," as we took them head on. But as we finished the shot I noticed out of the corner of my eye how closely Justin was watching me. I quickly shifted my gaze back to Erik before the moment lingered, setting my glass down in the same beat. 

"I'll be back, I'm gonna go get Nancy to take a shot." Hannah caressed my arm as she walked off in search of Nancy. Erik, Justin and I stood quietly for a second before Justin asked for a beer. For a while neither of us said anything, I had a few sips of my water, grasping at anything to help sober me up. And it wasn't until Justin cleared his throat that we started talking. 

"So have you bar tended before? You seem like a natural." Justin's voice welded through the silence that surrounded us. 

Erik cracked open a beer for himself and took a sip before responding. "Nothing more than serving drinks at college parties but mixology has always caught my interest so I've read a book here or there." 

I wanted to rid myself of this awkwardness and the only way I could was if I included myself. "What's the most difficult drink to make?" 

Erik laughed slightly at the question, like he was reminiscing in a moment of him attempting the most difficult drink. "Anything including egg whites." His voice was smooth, confident, no hesitation. 

"Egg whites?" I looked as confused as I sounded. 

And before Erik could answer Justin beat him to it. "The egg whites make a frothy, silky texture. You can hardly taste it." 

I turned to look at Erik to see if Justin was right. He slightly nodded and said, "exactly,".

"That's…interesting…I feel like you would sooo be able to taste the egg white though!" I joked, trying to keep the energy light.

"I'll have to make you something one day so you can see that if done right you wont be able to taste it. In the meantime though, do you want anything besides water?" Erik put his hand on the counter and leaned forward slightly, his gaze jumping between Justin and I, my heart fluttered for a second. 

Out of the corner of my eye I could see Hannah and Nancy approaching, I was going to need another drink to deal with the cattiness that would eventually ensue. "Any chance you can make a lemon drop martini?"

I liked Nancy but ever since last night I noticed she did everything in her power to add to any tension there was surrounding Hannah, Erik, Justin and I. Like she was working behind the scenes with Hannah. It was definitely confirmed when she made Hannah and Erik kiss, like she was helping Hannah get back at me for kissing Justin. 

"Yeah I think I can manage that with what we have here," Erik smiled as he began opening the cabinets behind him, looking for whatever he needed to fulfill my request. And in that same beat Hannah and Nancy finally made it over to us, arm in arm, giggling like the funniest thing was just said. 

I straightened my back a little as they approached, and took a sip of water. Nancy stood to my right while Hannah stood to my left. I felt trapped in between them. They both turned to face each other and it was very obvious that they would be talking above me. I leaned back on my chair to give space for their conversation.

I looked around for anyone to save me from this but everyone was wrapped up in their own bubbles. Marshall and Dani were sitting on the lounger chair, cuddled up next to each other, a bottle in each hand. Mallory and Hunter seemed to be in a funny exchange, while Allie and Jacob were wrapped up in each other's arms watching the dark horizon. 

Finally my eyes landed on Justin, who, like always, was already watching me. His lips pressed tightly together, like he was sorry I was stuck between the girl's banter. 

Moments later Erik's voice cut through my tension. "Okay so I didn't have fresh lemon juice but Lemon vodka should do the trick, tell me what you think?" He pushed the glass in front of me and watched me as I took my first sip. 

The tartness from the lemon vodka shot through but then was quickly overshadowed by the familiar burn of vodka. I nodded slowly and said, "so it's very vodka forward but I don't hate it." I laughed and he pulled the drink closer to him. He took a small sip and nodded like he was trying to figure out what it could need. Then he turned back to the cabinet and poured a small amount of liquid from a brown glass bottle that read 'Cointreau'. He took another sip and this time he looked satisfied, pushing it towards me once more. 

I brought it up to my lips and took a big gulp. This time the flavors complemented each other and the vodka wasn't the only thing I could taste. 

Hannah's laugh stuck through and her voice filled the air. "Can we have what you made her and then shots for all of us?" She continued laughing and I could feel her placing her hand on the back of my chair. 

Justin cleared his throat and tapped her arm lightly. "I think a few of us are good with not having a shot we just took like two in a row."

"Oh come on, have another! Don't be boring!" Nancy giggled but I could tell she was slurring her words. 

I stayed as quiet as a mouse, I didn't want to be included in this, part of me wanted to get up but I knew they would make a bigger fuss if I did. So instead I took another sip from my water bottle, hoping to not let the next shot be the one that does it for me.

Erik hesitantly poured everyone shots, pushing them in front of us. Mine was once again not filled to the top, noting that Justin was clearly talking about me being the one that didn't want or need another one. The girls were none the wiser, throwing their shots back almost instantly. Demanding a lemon drop martini in the same breath. 

Hannah finally walked around me and sat down on the stool to my right, and Nancy followed, taking the other seat next to her. Leaving me next to Justin, but at this point I preferred it. I could hear their chatter circling next to me but I ignored it, taking drinks from my water and my lemon drop. 

Justin sat down on the stool next to me and nudged me lightly, leaning in close enough to whisper in my ear, only for me to hear. "I'm sorry, I didn't think she was going to bring her."

I nodded slowly accepting his apology, I tried not getting any attention from either of them but it didn't work, they instantly wrapped me up into their conversation.

"Ask her!" I could hear Nancy's voice cutting through my quiet conversation with Justin.

Hannah tapped my shoulder and giggled slightly before she got her question out. "Boys don't take this personally but we just have to know from Auggie, cause I have thoughts. So, who's the better kisser—Erik or Justin?"

I was thrown back for a moment, wondering if this was some sick joke or if they were being serious. I didn't say anything because what could I say? My eyebrows pinched together as my gaze jumped from Erik then Justin then back to Hannah. 

Hannah pressed again. "I know you have your thing with Erik but we've kissed both of them so I'm curious what you think?" She laughed once more, covering her mouth like she knew how uncomfortable I was. I turned to look at Erik who just stood there quietly leaning on the back counter with his arms crossed. Watching as the girls laughed and my chest tightened.

"That's enough Hannah." Justin's voice came from behind me, it was low but firm. 

"We're just having some harmless fun! It's really not that serious Justin, chill out." Hannah rolled her eyes at Justin and placed her hand on my arm. "I think we both can agree it's Erik right?" She laughed once more, turning to Nancy who was laughing just as hard. 

I turned to look at Erik once more, I flicked my gaze and nodded my head slightly to the left, asking him to walk away with me without words. He caught on instantly, grabbing the beer in front of him and walking over to me extending his hand out for me to grab. I reached for my drink and took his hand without hesitation and we walked away unscathed. I could hear their laughter behind me as we continued to walk away. We took a seat on one of the corner couches and finally I felt like I could breathe. 

I lifted my drink to my lips and took a big gulp, hoping the vodka would calm my nerves. "Thank you, oh my god I don't know what their issue is. That was–"

"Uncomfortable to say the least." Erik let out a sharp laugh, masking how truly uncomfortable he probably was. The final shot was buzzing through me faster than I expected now that it was just us two. I felt a laugh bubble up in me, from the tension, or maybe from the way I could never escape the universe making a joke out of me. 

"For the record she was right." I smirked and couldn't resist laughing. His eyes searched for mine as he wrapped his hand in mine. 

"Eh Justin looks like he could be a better kisser than me though to be fair," he laughed at his own joke but I didn't. I enjoyed my time with Justin, I won't deny that. Our kisses are fiery and it always leads me into trouble but every kiss I've ever shared with Erik holds a weight of something real, something I can't put into words. 

I leaned closer to him, close enough to whisper. "Having kissed you both, I think I have the best judgment and it's definitely still you, but you're welcome to go kiss Justin if you'd like to find out." I winked at him and couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of my comment.

He bit his lower lip and smirked. "We can leave kissing Justin to Hannah. But as for me…" His hand reached for my face, his index finger slipped under my chin while his thumb held my chin firm as he tilted my head up slightly. Pulling me closer to him, closing the space between us. I didn't fight him on it, I leaned in to meet his lips. 

As his lips met mine, the world seemed to blur around us. There was no rush, just the slow, deliberate pull of his mouth against mine, like we were savoring the moment. I closed my eyes, letting myself melt into the kiss, feeling the warmth of his body as he pulled me even closer. 

For a moment, I let myself forget about everything else, the laughter behind us, the awkwardness we shared at the bar. It was just Erik and me, in this small space, with only the sound of our hearts and the quiet of the night around us.

He pulled away slightly, his forehead resting against mine, "This definitely beats kissing Justin," he whispered, voice hushed but as he pulled away even more I could tell he was laughing.

I opened my eyes to meet his gaze, a little dazed, a little breathless. "Yes, it definitely does," I teased softly, my lips curving into a small smile. But the tension hadn't completely lifted, it never did with Erik. The chemistry between us was undeniable, and even if I didn't want to admit it yet, I knew this was different from anything I'd shared with anyone else.

He smiled back, but his eyes held something deeper now, something almost protective, like he was claiming this space between us. "I'll take that as a compliment." He whispered. 

His hand slipped back into mine, gently gliding his thumb across my knuckles. My heartbeat was unsteady, the guilt inside me lingered but I pushed it away, almost fully but my drunk words spilled before I could stop them. "I'm sorry for being so stubborn, I just don't know how to navigate all of this. I've never needed to sort out my life on such a drop of a dime. I'm scared and just need to figure a few thing's out."

"You don't have to apologize August, I understand your hesitation but regardless of what we are or what we become… I care about you and I just want you to be okay. I know it's a lot to ask of you. I get that but your only other option is your car and I would never be able to forgive myself or you, if I'm sleeping comfortably in my bed while you're trying to find the safest parking lot to call it a night." His eyes showed true concern, and for the first time I was truly considering moving in with him. Despite my reservations, despite not knowing what we are, I could tell he cared about me more on a human level than on a desire level. More than just trying to fit us into some kind of label. I could tell he wasn't just saying things to make me feel better—he truly meant it. The sincerity in his eyes, the concern in his voice, all of it struck me harder than I expected.

I couldn't help but glance at him again, taking in his calm presence, and for a moment, I thought about everything I'd been running from. All the chaos and uncertainty I'd wrapped myself in, all the walls I'd put up. I'd convinced myself that I had to sort things out alone, that leaning on someone else would make me weak, or that it would complicate things even more than they already were. But maybe, just maybe I could let myself accept the help I so desperately needed. 

"I… just wish I knew what I did to deserve what my mom did…" the words slipped out of me before I could stop them. Drunk words, sober thoughts. 

"You did nothing but exist, August. Some people are just cruel, it just sucks that your mom happened to be one of those people." His grip on my hand was firm. His words hung in the air, and I couldn't shake them. I took a deep breath, trying to push away the lingering buzz from the shots, but it was hard to ignore how sincere he sounded. It felt like something real was sitting in front of me—something I wasn't sure how to deal with, especially not after everything that had happened on this trip. It felt like I didn't deserve the kindness he was offering. And maybe that's why I was so hesitant to accept it. 

My head hung low, every emotion swirled around me. The alcohol was winning, and I needed to go to bed before I said something I couldn't take back. There are some things I'm just not ready to face. "I think it's time for me to call it a night, that last shot definitely did it for me." I laughed, trying to lighten the tension twisting inside me.

Erik stood up and extended his hand out for mine. "I'll walk you up to your room. I think I'm calling it a night too." I slipped my fingers through his, and stood. I looked around and realized Marshall, Dani, Allie, Jacob and Mallory were already gone. At some point, the group had trickled off, leaving just the two of us, along with Hannah, Nancy and Justin who were still hanging around the bar.

We walked past them without saying a word, and made our way up the stairs. The dimly lit hallway was quiet, I wasn't sure if Mallory was asleep or awake or even dressed so we opted to say goodnight outside of my door.

 His arms wrapped around me and mine did the same. I could feel the warmth of him pressed against me. I couldn't deny how safe I always felt in his arms. This feeling was becoming stronger the more time we spent. 

I pulled my head up enough to meet his eyes. He looked down to me and smiled, the soft smile that melts me. He leaned down, pressing soft kisses between whispered goodnights. I let go of his embrace and he watched as I slowly opened the bedroom door and turned to look at him one last time, "goodnight Erik." I whispered before I closed the door in the same breath. 

Once inside I realized Mallory was still wide awake just scrolling through her phone. She looked up at me and set her phone down. "Hi Auggie! You're back early. I thought you would've spent more time out there with Erik." 

"I am too buzzed right now. I needed to escape plus Hannah and Nancy were being…weird." I grabbed my backpack and set it on the edge of the bed, pulling out some underwear and my oversized pajama shirt. 

She went back on her phone, realizing I was about to change, though we've been changing in front of each other since childhood. I turned around and took off my bathing suit top, throwing my shirt over me. I slipped out of my shorts and bikini bottoms and slid my bright pink underwear on.

"How were they being weird?" She finally asked as I started putting my bathing suit back into my bag as well as my shorts. 

"I'm almost certain they were drunk but," I set my backpack on the floor and sat on the edge of the bed. "Hannah blatantly asked me who was a better kisser, Erik or Justin." 

Mallory let out a suppressed laugh, "what the fuck? That's hilarious and bold." 

I shifted on the bed slightly knowing I was about to drop the funniest part of the entire ordeal. "Erik and Justin were standing right in front of me when she asked." I paused for a second to let her laugh and she did. "But get this. In front of Justin she said and I quote, 'we both agree it's Erik right?' And Justin looked so mad!" 

Her eyes grew wide and her jaw dropped a little. "Weird is an understatement. I can't believe she asked that. She literally asked me earlier if Nancy could stay here so she could have Justin in their cabin. I don't see that happening anymore!" She laughed but I felt a knot in my stomach. 

"Yeah I don't think that's happening." I faked a laugh trying to hide my discomfort that settled over me. Even though I knew I had no right to be jealous, the thought of Hannah and Justin sleeping together still struck my jealous streak. I crawled over to my side of the bed and laid down looking at the ceiling. 

Mallory nudged my arm as I settled under the covers. "So did you answer who's the better kisser?" I shifted myself to look at her and let out a small laugh. "What, it's just us. You can be honest!" She giggled but I could tell she was waiting for my answer. 

I was still for a second, unsure if I should be truthful. "Justin is very…possessive when he kisses and that in itself is kinda hot but Erik…he is gentle and tender and each kiss makes you feel so secure and safe and like nothing bad could happen to you." 

"I could see the struggle to pick one, and I could see Hannah choosing Erik because I doubt Justin's been kissing her the way he had been kissing you soooo,"

This time my laugh was genuine, "he's not gonna want to kiss her possessively after that. Now it's gonna be her turn to grovel." 

"Oh please it's Hannah, she will find something for him to grovel about. I really don't get their relationship. She complained about him not sleeping with her but then turns around and says another man is a better kisser. In front of him and the better kisser." She shook her head like she was trying to grasp it but struggled. 

I shifted to look back at the ceiling, my thoughts swirled as she continued talking about it. I would nod here and there, saying 'yeah' every once in a while. My mind was anywhere but here. I kept thinking about the fact that I might be moving in with Erik. Thinking about the way Justin still had a hold on me, and thinking about what we were doing earlier before everyone got home. Thinking about the way I liked kissing them both. 

After a while the conversation between Mallory and I slowly fizzled out, I could tell she was more than ready to knock out. She stood up and shut off the lights and slipped back under the covers. "Goodnight Auggie, see you in the morning." 

"Goodnight Mals," I whispered and without skipping a beat she was almost fully out. 

I laid there silently, my thoughts louder than the noises that traveled around the yacht at this hour. I wondered if they were still out there on the deck. I wondered if Justin was actually mad at Hannah for admitting Erik was a better kisser. I wondered if he thought that I agreed with her. I was becoming restless at this point. Tossing and turning lightly. Trying not to wake up Mals, though from the sound of her snores not much could wake her up. 

I sat up in bed quietly reaching for my phone. Staring at my screen for a second before I opened my text messages. There was a small part of me that wished Justin had texted me to meet up like we talked about before getting on the boat. But then again he was probably still upset with Hannah or just annoyed in general. 

Another small part of me wanted to text Erik, though the last thing I wanted to do was have a lengthy 3am conversation about my feelings or the possibility of me moving in again. I just needed a break from reality, I wanted to enjoy the last days I had without worrying. 

I opened my text thread with Justin and started typing. "You still awake?" But I immediately erased it, I just need a break and maybe some fresh air. I shifted out of the bed as quiet as I could and slipped on my flip flops. I debated throwing some shorts on but opted not to, the boat was quiet so everyone was definitely asleep. I opened the door enough for me to slip out and closed it just as silently. I made my way down the dim hallway, the silence was loud. 

I debated going back to the deck we were at earlier but I wanted more open air so I decided to climb up to the sun deck. And though the sun wasn't out I was hoping the moonlight would fill me the same. 

 Once I finally got to the top, the cool air immediately calmed my thoughts. The sound of the water quietly crashing against the side of the boat was ebbing my nerves. I took a deep breath as I gripped onto the cold railing. The silence of the world made me feel both free and like there was an unbearable weight on top of me. 

I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I could feel so alone surrounded by people who care about me. Like no one can understand the solitude I feel. I took one more deep breath before I heard footsteps on the stairs below the deck. Fuck. Someone was coming up here. I stood there quietly, not looking behind me, not wanting to know who was probably escaping for a breath of fresh air as well. 

"August? Are you okay?" The familiar voice sent my thoughts into the same spiral I was running from. 

Justin. Because of course the universe was laughing at me by making him show up to where I was at. 

I forced myself to turn around and meet his gaze. His eyes traveled up and down my body and instantly I regretted not putting shorts on. His eyebrows furrowed in, he tilted his head just enough for me to know he was not only questioning what I was doing but why I was in just a T-shirt. 

"Couldn't sleep so I came for fresh air, didn't expect to run into anyone." I walked over to one of the lounger chairs and took a seat, fixing my shirt so I was covered enough. "What about you? Are you okay?" I asked him as he took the lounge chair next to me. He was still dressed the same as earlier, some jeans and a T-shirt which means he probably hadn't been to their room yet. 

"Yeah, I'm fine. Couldn't sleep either." He huffed. 

"Why?" I asked him, unsure if I actually wanted his honest answer. 

He exhaled loudly and shifted to look over at me. "Just a lot on my mind. What about you?"

"Same." I exhaled just as loud as he had seconds ago. 

He watched me intently, I avoided his gaze because I knew he could see right through me. "So tell me. What's on your mind?" 

I hesitated for a minute, did I really want to talk to him about this of all people? Part of me wants to see if maybe he thinks of me as something other than just his vacation hookup, his reaction could be telling. "It's about my living situation." I hesitated before I gave in and continued. "Would it be the craziest thing if I moved in with Erik? Be honest. Because I'm considering it heavily and I just don't know." 

"You being serious?" His eyebrows furrowed, his face made a playful scowl.

"Yes," I nodded.

He let out a suppressed laugh, he still couldn't tell if I was being serious or not. "Uh I mean you're kinda skipping a couple of steps. You're kinda rushing a bit?"

"Well I get that but this is more out of convenience than like a step into our…non-relationship situation? I truthfully don't know what Erik and I are but again it's just out of necessity."

"Saying 'out of convenience' or 'necessity' is kinda fucked up, don't you think? Besides, doesn't he live in Seattle? So what, you're leaving GH?" His expression was now neutral. 

"I know it sounds fucked of me to say that, he and I both get that this is a weird situation but I have nowhere else to go? I mean I heard back from an apartment but it's in a bad part of town. I just… nothing is keeping me in Gig, I never want to risk running into my mom, and there's nothing here for me except maybe Mallory but she was on the phone with Mark earlier which can only mean they're getting back together. My commute to Tacoma would be long but there might be an opening in the Seattle offices from what I hear." I stared at him, trying to gauge his reaction, but it was near unreadable. 

He was deep in thought, he wouldn't meet my eyes, not even for a second. I wondered what he thought, what he felt hearing I'd not only be moving but leaving work. But he gave me nothing. There's a small part of me that wished he'd tell me it's an awful idea, that I shouldn't even think about it. 

But he didn't say that, instead he just nodded. "I mean I guess if there's no other option except a shitty apartment then you have to do what you have to do for yourself. It's gonna be weird having no one to argue with at work though, Dani doesn't put up the same kinda fight you do." His laugh came out easier than his breaths. He reached over to me and gently placed his hand on my bare thigh and the warmth of his palm sent a chill down my spine. 

Seconds later he pulled my lounge chair closer to him and I didn't fight him on it. He lifted the arm rests on the chairs and threw his arm around me. Pulling me closer to him. I was too exhausted to fight him in any capacity. I was definitely sobered up enough but now it was settling in me and making me sleepy. 

We sat quietly until I could feel his chest rise and fall from laughing. "You always work backwards huh?" 

"What's that supposed to mean?" I lifted my head to catch his eyes, his smile was easy. 

He nodded slowly, his lips still forming a perfectly calculated smile. "Well for starters, us. And now you're talking about moving in with your boyfriend that still isn't your boyfriend? Usually you establish your relationship before you move in together." 

I rolled my eyes and placed my head back on his chest. "Whatever, Justin." 

"Yeah, whatever, August." His voice faltered but there was something underneath it. Once again we laid there quietly. His arm traced mine back and forth, almost mindlessly. I hated the comfort he brought me but I couldn't deny how my thoughts slowed down.