In Which Joseph Is Based (1)

(Franko)

Another day, another occasion of getting shoved into my own locker by Ross and his cronies. "Don't worry, freaky Franko, you'll have plenty of time to listen to your music in there, neeeeeeerd !" But this time, the moron didn't even properly slam the locker shut, so as soon as he let go, it swung open and I fell out in an undignified heap, only barely getting my hands in front of me so I didn't risk smashing my sunglasses on the floor and breaking them. I pushed myself onto my hands and knees, only for two of the dinguses following the little s*** (stupid parental controls!) to grab my arms and slam me against the locker bank. My red optics tuned out the followers, and settled on Ross himself. Messy mop of black hair with no bangs that didn't reach past his shoulders, black hardhat, red Outpost 4 jersey beneath a brown fake-leather jacket, blue-jeans, and white sneakers of some kind. Literally a stereotypical jock.

Ross scowled at me. "What, does the freak who likes music more than being normal have a problem with prime time to listen to his songs? Maybe I should break some of your tunes so you appreciate the rest, huh?"

I was willing to grit my teeth and put up with a lot of stuff from Ross. Getting antifreeze poured on me, being shoved into my locker, being tripped, being pushed, having paper airplanes thrown at me, the list went on. There were a total of two berserk buttons I had though. I'd been suspended for two months the one time someone had broken my sunglasses and I had them in medical for a week after I was done with them, and one other thing that no one had ever done until just now: Threaten to mess with my music . "I will get her to draw more yaoi of you," I threatened.

Dead silence. I had no idea if she'd actually do it if I asked her to, but the one time Ross had tried messing with her, she'd spent a week making hundreds of yaoi arts of him with other guys in his bullying posse, despite her parental controls, and he'd never messed with her again. Hadn't done wonders for her reputation afterwards, but the bullies steered clear of the only person in this school weirder than "Freaky Franko" ever since.

There were a few more seconds of silence, before one of the guys holding me just let go and ran off, shouting, "Nope! No! No! I deleted my memories of that for a reason! Not worth it, Ross!" The other guy also let go and started to walk backwards away from me.

Ross' optics hollowed, and he dryly swallowed. "No messing with your tunes?" he asked in a shaky voice. I glared at him. "Got it!" He cleared his throat. "Go, be a freak somewhere else!" He spat in front of my shoes and tried to swagger off to save whatever face he could.

I let him. I wasn't interested in his crap. I just sighed, and went back to my locker to get some stuff. I was sneaking out again tomorrow morning, and I didn't particularly care that I should be in school.

________

Backpack ready. Everything that was supposed to be in it ready, including a few maintenance tools that I'd need to keep the solar panels at my apartment set up and ready, even a carefully wrapped replacement glass pane for one of the windows that looked like it was gonna break soon. All good to go. I shouldered my bag, looked up, and got ready to slip out the vent that would eventually lead me up to the surface.

"Heeeeeeeeeeeey, Frankie! Where're you going?" said a female voice I was unfortunately familiar with. Still, I hadn't checked to see if anyone was following me (to be fair, she would have been the only one to do so) as I was sneaking to the vent, so I jumped and gave a totally dignified and manly yelp because I had the crap scared out of me. Turning around, I glared at optics the same shade of red as mine and the smug-butt cat smile on the girl's face, and fought the urge to scream. Of course I'd been inattentive once and that was when Alyke Cuse had chosen to follow me and catch me sneaking out. Her head was covered with a mop of slightly curly brown hair that went down past her shoulders, and she wore a solid black beanie on her head. She wore a dark-grey, long-sleeved turtleneck sweater, black leggings, and brown boots with black laces. And above the sweater, was my red, white, and black jacket with a black Avengers logo on a white part of the chest that she'd taken several years ago and still hadn't given back.

"Just, hanging out, Aly," I said.

She looked at me, head tilted. "Oh." She slumped. Then she looked past me and saw the vent entrance. Her optics widened. "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiit!!!" She stared for a few more seconds, and I fought the urge to cringe. Aly could be… painfully clueless at times, and I actually hoped she would miss this-- "You liar, Frankie! You're sneaking outside! Without your only friend?!?" She sprinted up to me and grabbed my arm, like she always tended to when we hung out. I'd used to wear long sleeve shirts, but had found that swapping to the short sleeves was less likely to stretch them because she'd grab my arms instead. She was annoyingly evasive about why she did that, or was physically clingy in general, to the point where I wasn't actually sure if it was a nervous tick (she definitely had some kind of social anxiety), if she craved touch for some reason, or if it was some kind of grounding measure, but she let go whenever I started to actually get annoyed, so I eventually stopped caring that she did it. "Can I go with you?!?"

I cringed. Aly had zero survival instincts, and I was actually scared she'd get one or both of us killed out there because of it. "I mean, Alyke--"

"Aly! I told you, my friend can call me Aly!" she insisted, cat-grin still on her face.

"Aly," I amended, "You're not ready to go up there at all. You don't have any food, tools, supplies…" I tried to appeal to logic to get her to drop the subject and slink home (she was an orphan just like I was) until she inevitably forgot about this because she got sucked into some other art project.

She squinted at me, and that cat-smile got a bit more serious. "What do I need? I can have it in an hour, Frankie! Promise!"

"Aly, it's dangerous --" I tried to tell her.

"Then it's dangerous for you too, Frankie!" She started to frown, shoulders slumping as the hand holding my arm tightened a bit. Not enough to be painful, but enough to show she was nervous. Her eyemotes shrunk, and she looked down. "A-an-and we haven't hung out in weeks , and…" she started to mumble, " and I'm scared you don't want to be fri --" she cut herself off, optics widening. "You've been sneaking out before! That's why you haven't hung out with me, isn't it?"

"Aly, I can't bring you with me, you're gonna get hurt ," I protested.

"Nuh uh! I'll do whatever you say, but I'm gonna go with you! Or… or… or I'll tell people that you're sneaking out!"

My oil ran cold. "You wouldn't," I said.

"I will!" she shot back. "So nyeh!" she stuck her tongue out.

I groaned, facepalmed, and then sighed. Blackmailed by my only friend, the clingy, ditzy artist. Robo-god-darnit. Well, I wasn't willing to give this up, but I might be able to mitigate the damage. " Fine , but first, you gotta promise to do everything I say while we're on the surface."

"I promise, Frankie!" she said, giving a grin and a salute.

"I mean it , Aly," I told her. "You could get hurt, or killed ."

Aly flinched, grin dropping as she let go of my arm. "I… I-I promise, Frankie. I'll do whatever you say!"

I looked her in the optics for a few seconds, but she held my gaze, and then nodded. I opened a DM chain between us… and felt slightly guilty that I hadn't sent her any messages in over a week.

Frankostein: [Has shared a file]

Frankostein: A list of all the stuff I want you to get. We only have so many daylight hours, Aly, so you had better been telling the TRUTH when you said you could get this in under an hour!

ThatOneWanderingArtist: :0 !

ThatOneWanderingArtist: I'll have it in 45 minutes!

ThatOneWanderingArtist: Okay, 50…

She squirmed a bit under my deadpan gaze, looking embarrassed, and then added another two messages.

ThatOneWanderingArtist: jnfashkdjsahfjkahfjafhjasdh

ThatOneWanderingArtist: For Real. Prms!

I continued my deadpan gaze, but she had the smug cat grin back. "I got this Frankie! We'll be sneaky surface buddies in no time!" She reached forwards and grabbed my sunglasses before putting them on her own face. "We'll be super cool ."

I reached out, snapping one hand onto Aly's wrist, and the other snatched my sunglasses back, putting them on my own face. I glared at her. "Do. Not. Touch. My. Sunglasses." I told her.

Her eyemotes got hazy and half her face lit up in hash marks. " Yes sir, " she squeaked out.

I gave her a look , because that was kinda weird even for her , but I let go. "Now go get the stuff you need."

She laughed a couple times, face still a little flushed. "On it Frankie!" she said, sounding a little flustered of all things, before turning and running off… and stopping after the first few steps. "You better not leave without me!"

"Wouldn't you just snitch then?"

"...oh right, I can do that."

I took in an unnecessary breath, and then slowly let it out. "Just go," I told her.

" Byeeeeeeeeeeeee!" she called out with a wave, her visor flickering to a little red [>:3] before turning back to normal, turning to start scampering off once more, just like the little artistic gremlin that she was. I sighed again. This was gonna be a long day, I could already tell.

_______

(Joseph)

So, funny thing: Khan being a better parent and basically being the de facto leader of the colony by dint of being the man behind the doors that keep extinction firmly outside our sanctuary continued to have a butterfly effect. Just last week, he realized that with an extra two months in the year and the fact that our school days were two hours longer than the 7 hours I suffered on the daily in grade school, that some extra vacations were in order. Consequently, the (Neglected or Otherwise) children of Outpost 3 now had a Summer Vacation, a month long Winter vacation, and two weeks off in both the spring and the fall. A consequence of this is that Uzi and I would suddenly have a lot of extra time very soon to fuck with JNV and then sleep in the next day. Fun times ahead… for us, at least. Actually felt bad for N, sorta felt bad for J… I was still miffed at V for all the parent murders. I'd probably burn through that hate over the course of that upcoming vacation through judicious application of violence and war crimes, but still, I was planning for her to be the target of my Dysentery Dart's first test on a Murder Drone.

Anyways, it was Doll's 11th Birthday today, and I'd been looking forward to handing her my present of choice/war trophy, except… she was living in Khan's hab now, which meant her Uncle was hosting the party (by which he admitted he was completely out of touch with what kids were supposed to like and also realized that reading parenting guides was a bad idea, so he just let Uzi and Doll decide to set up and then got them what they needed as long as it was within reason) and thus also staying there, so handing her a Murder Drone's stinger in front of the man who had to mercy "kill" his wife after she got stung was a bad idea . I'd been internally deliberating over what rumors may or may not start by insisting I hand the present over in private later when Murphy finally decided that he's thrown enough shit my way in the past few years and cut me a break.

That break took the form of Khan getting a call seconds after he gave Doll an old photo album containing a ton of pictures that Nori and Yeva had taken together, and the girl had been crying tears of joy while hugging onto and repeatedly thanking her "Uncle Khan." The juxtaposition from the fact that she'd literally had to be held back from attempting to stab him a couple years back was so funny to me that I'd had to overclock to hide my laughter.

"Oh! One moment Doll, I told them not to call today unless it was important, so I need to check this," Khan told her, and everyone watched and listened to half a conversation (except Uzi and I with our better hearing). "This better be an actual emergency, Taylor," he said.

I heard Trevor's mom from the other side of the phone. "Yeah, you know how you keep telling Braxton not to bring in oil coffee when he's on shift because the guy spills it everywhere ?"

"What the hell did he do this time?" Khan asked, pinching the nonexistent bridge of the nose he didn't have.

"Well, you weren't here today, so he brought it in, and then tripped and spilled it all over the interior panel for Door 2, shorting it out and opening it, because the fixes you did covered them getting shot or destroyed but not getting liquid in them." Khan's optics went hollow as both Uzi and I overclocked and threw one another a gaze.

Isekai_Protagonist: Fuck this is another Butterfly from me.

Isekai_Protagonist: If there was a cascading failure, I'll run straight there. I got two EMPs, a bootloop light, my DU Deagle, and Doll's Gift.

Darkxwolf16: I'll run to the Lair and grab a gatling shotty, a couple UV sticks, Friendship, and more than enough rounds and shells for both.

Darkxwolf16: Also, you actually named it that?

Isekai_Protagonist: Doll made it for me and it's awesome.

Darkxwolf16: You know what? Cuz did make you something kickass. That's fair.

The next second, Taylor continued speaking. "Thank robo-god you installed those extra safeguards you said Joseph suggested, because the failure meant only Door 2 opened, and 1 and 3 are still perfectly fine." Uzi and I used an overclock to hide our massive relief while Khan visibly slumped as the tension left his frame.

"Oh thank robo-god," he breathed out.

Isekai_Protagonist: Oh thank FUCK I'm a paranoid fucker.

Darkxwolf16: Dude, seriously, your paranoia comes in clutch WAY more than it should.

"Yeah," Taylor said, "But this is looking pretty scuffed, so we might need you to fix this, sir. I know you took the day off for your honorary niece's birthday, but Braxton somehow totaled the electronics with that spill."

To his credit, Khan looked really torn over it, and said, "Hold for a moment, Taylor," before putting his phone in a pocket without shutting it. He visibly cringed. "There was a malfunction at Door 2, and it's currently stuck open until it's fixed. Joseph," he addressed me, and I perked up as if I hadn't heard the entire conversation, "Your ideas on improving the Doors may have saved the entire colony," My own optics hollowed, and I went to check my weather surveillance instruments via my quantum comms, and verified what Khan told me as he said it, "It's cloudy enough today that the Murder Drones could be out and about, but your idea to stop a cascading failure means both Door 3 and more importantly Door 1 are still shut tight." He walked up and put a hand on my shoulder. "You possibly saved tens of thousands of lives today." The entire room, myself included, stared in abject shock, though I felt some guilt because the scenario only happened because Khan was here because of stuff I'd altered in the timeline. I squashed that guilt ruthlessly though, because this was far better than the alternative and my paranoia had saved the day before it was even an issue.

"Holy crap," Thad said. There was a general chorus of sentiments echoing that right afterwards.

"I assume you have to take care of it, Mr. Doorman?"

"Call me Khan, Joseph," he told me, and then winced. "But, yes, I need to take care of it ASAP." He glanced over at his daughter and his niece in all but code. "I am so sorry that I have to--"

They both ran up and gave him a hug, Uzi only stuttering for half a step as she remembered to hold back her enhanced strength at the last second (a mistake we both still made once every week or so, but covered via overclock). "It's okay, dad," Uzi told him. "This is… actually important. For the whole colony."

" It's okay, Miste-- Uncle Khan, " Doll corrected herself. " You tried , and this is about as close to an actual emergency as you can get without lives being in danger. Make sure you keep those monsters out. I understand that you need to take care of it. "

Khan hugged them both back, and I absolutely added a screenshot of that to my "Wholesome Murder Drones Isekai Adventure" album, before he whispered. "Robo-god I don't deserve either of you." Both girls hugged him tighter. They held the hug for a few more seconds before Khan reluctantly pulled back, and then sighed, reaching back into his pocket and pulling out his phone again. "I'm on the way, Taylor."

"Roger, sir," she said, and then Khan hung up.

"Have a great party, Doll. And again, I am so sorry."

" Take care of things, Uncle Khan ," Doll told him.

Khan nodded, and then started to march for the front door. On the way out, Uzi and I heard him mutter, "I swear to robo-god I'm going to tear Braxton a new waste-ejection port for this, and then install a door on his face !" We both had to overclock to avoid laughing again.

Darkxwolf16: Oh my robo-god dad actually said the line!

Context for my 4th Wall viewers: I'd shown Uzi quite a few one off lines and clips from canon, like the aforementioned "I will install a door on your face ," among others such as Doll remarking that she should have expected someone to escape on a staircase of broken mirrors and that apparently being a saying in Russian, "Shoot the baby immediately?"/"NOT SOON ENOUGH," and then some. So that's why Uzi knew that line.

Isekai_Protagonist: I know LMAO!!!

Still, this meant Khan would be away for the foreseeable future, which meant that "Operation: Best Present for Doll EVER" was back on the table! I waited my turn while those who hadn't passed Doll a gift yet passed them over to her, and she got a bunch of cool stuff she liked from the others. Lizzy also got Doll a really cute little pocket mirror to go with the other part of the gift she got, only for Doll to take one look at the mirror before it spontaneously shattered. I blinked a few times, Uzi giving me a confused look, before I pulled up the relevant memory files.

Isekai_Protagonist: You know, I was so caught up in everything else going on that while I didn't FORGET it, the Solver making mirrors shatter slipped my mind.

Darkxwolf16: That seems important!

Isekai_Protagonist: In the grand scheme of things?

Darkxwolf16: Point, but still.

Aloud, I said, "I'm just gonna assume that was apparently Solver bullshit."

Lizzy looked crestfallen. "The present I got," she said, trailing off.

" It's okay, Liz, it's not your fault ," Doll told her. " Robot Cthulhu Satan did it. "

I didn't bother to hide my laughter as several of us started to laugh at that. And then we got to me, the literal best saved for last.

"Right," I said, "I got a great gift for you, Dolly," I said, pulling out an opaque container I had to hide V's stinger, which was itself in a smaller, transparent container, which I then set on a table, "But first, I'm gonna need a promise from everyone here that they're gonna need to keep their mouths shut about what it is."

"Is it really that crazy?" Liz asked me.

"I helped him get it," Uzi said, "Either we get everyone's word that you're keeping your mouths shut, or he gives it to cuz later."

"Well, I'll keep quiet then," Lizzy said.

" I trust you, Joe, and I won't tell anyone regardless of whatever it is, " Doll told me.

"Dude what the heck do you need a promise for? We're already gonna keep our mouths shut," Trevor told me.

"It's important," I reiterated.

Thad shrugged. "Lips sealed. Snitching ain't cool."

"I'll keep quiet," Trevor agreed.

I gave Rebecca a look. "What? I'll totes keep quiet. Half the fun of gossip is keeping secrets anyways." I shrugged, and gave her an apologetic nod.

"My vocalizer is muted," Darren added.

"Only us and the Lord will know," Emily promised.

"I promise I'll keep quiet," Kelsey said.

"I'll keep it more secret than my next dress idea!" Penny piped up.

I took an unnecessary breath, and then asked, "Does everyone remember that we're preparing for the apocalypse?"

"Yeah," Kelsey piped in first. "Been doing parkour and training for months now."

"Even I've been practicing the material arts stuff you sent us," Penny said.

"You've, like, been doing it with us," Rebecca remarked.

"What does this have to do with the present?" Darren asked.

"Yeah, kinda wondering that too," Emily added.

"Well," I said, "Uzi and I have been a bit more proactive in our efforts."

Lizzy laughed, "What, did you two pick a fight with a Murder Drone?"

Uzi and I both stayed quiet. The silence stretched. Liz's smile faded. Trevor raised an eyemote in concern. Emily reached a hand for her rosary. Kelsey's optics started to hollow. I waited just long enough to make them think we did, and then said, "No, Liz, we didn't pick a fight with a Murder Drone."

Everyone sighed in relief, and Uzi and I overclocked and both sent some messages back and forth lol-ing at each other before we snapped back to real time. Thad was the first person to say, "Oh, thank robo-god, for a second I thought you two were actually crazy enough to--"

"We picked a fight with three of them at the same time ." I waited a beat for optics to hollow.

Uzi added, "Also, while they have bullshit levels of regeneration, and we couldn't kill them, we still won ."

Thad legit did a mental reboot. While that was going on, Kelsey stumbled back as if struck, hitting the wall and sliding to the ground, Rebecca's optics went hollow and she started shaking, a scared Darren still wrapping her in a hug that she returned, Emily and Trevor just stared at us, Penny also did a mental reboot, and as for the last two in the group…

" You… you hurt those monsters ? Made them know what pain feels like ?" Doll asked me in a low voice, eyes not hollow, but boring into me and searching for any falsehoods in my words. I was… genuinely concerned by just how oilthirsty that sounded, but the whole point of this was to sate her thirst for revenge myself without actually killing any Disassembly Drones in the process, so I had to start somewhere . " You … actually did hurt them ," Doll said, eyemotes widening and the slightest grin on her face. That did not help my concern.

"YOU DID WHAT?!?" Lizzy screamed, stomping up to me and trying to shake me by my shoulders. "Trying," because I was in a combat frame made of way sterner stuff than her. "Do you two have any idea how dangerous that was?!?"

Thad finished his reboot. "Are you two insane?!? You could have gotten fucking killed!"

"We planned this for months , Thad," Uzi said.

"Textbook ambush. Blew one of them up across the city, jumped a second, fought off the third, and then bugged out. Blew all their heads off at one point or another," I told him. "I was in control of the situation the entire time, and had Uzi on overwatch."

"How the hell did you two even sneak out? Give me one good reason why I shouldn't Khan right now!" Thad shouted.

Penny finished her reboot. "I… I am very scared right now, but we promised , and we shouldn't snitch…"

"Yeah, Thad, I'm freaking out, but snitching isn't cool," Darren said quietly.

"They could have put the whole colony in danger! What if a Murder Drone followed them back in?!?"

"We have plenty of means to prevent that," I countered.

"Like I said, planned for months," Uzi added, arms crossed.

Thad grit his teeth. "This is so not cool, guys," he said, and we both winced.

"How'd you even get out?" Rebecca asked.

"Secret," I said, "But it's rigged with multiple Khan-grade airlocks and a lot of explosives."

"Is this whatever weird thing you two have had going on for over a year now?" Thad accused us. "You've been spending months fighting Murder Drones without us?!?" People actually looked hurt by that.

"What happened to working together?" Lizzy asked, looking more hurt herself, and that actually made me feel guilty.

I overclocked to formulate a response, and went to speak, but then Kelsey spoke up. "You hurt the one that killed my parents and Andrew?"

I changed the feed on my visor to play a memory file of the recording I took as I dumped buckshot into V, cutting it right after the last shot blew her head into a mass of melting scrap. The room went silent. Doll's mouth dropped, and then she looked at me, eyemotes literally sparkling .

"You got payback for my dad?" Trevor asked.

"You extracted a penance for my mom and dad?" Emily questioned.

"You… you perforated that thing…" Rebecca trailed off, looking at Uzi and I with awe in her gaze.

I raised a hand, and everyone quieted down. "There's… a lot of things you don't know. That ambush took months to set up." In reality, most of that time was spent with general setup, the ambush itself took maybe two days to be sure we had everything ready, and most of that was spent lugging and setting up the 500kg bombs we hit J with. "Uzi and I have taken some extraordinary measures to start picking fights with the Murder Drones early. There's some stuff… I can't quite tell you yet. It's… related to my own issues, Liz," I told her specifically.

"How did you do all this?" Lizzy asked me. She looked mollified purely by the small but happy smile Doll had on her face as her optics flickered and she clearly kept replaying me shooting the fuck out of V on her own HUD.

I looked sad, because I actually was, and I said, "I wanna tell you everything. I really do… but I'm actually scared. There's a lot you don't know, and you all deserve to get to be kids for a while longer…"

"What are you hiding ?" Penny asked.

Darkxwolf16: Joe?

I overclocked to reply.

Isekai_Protagonist: Yeah?

Darkxwolf16: If they're all adults when they're 12 in C-9 years, can we tell them then?

Isekai_Protagonist: That's…

Isekai_Protagonist: You know what? You're right.

Isekai_Protagonist: Trevor's the last birthday besides yours and mine. When he's twelve, if they haven't figured it out, we tell them then.

Darkxwolf16: Okay. Thanks.

Darkxwolf16: I just…

Isekai_Protagonist: Feel guilty?

Darkxwolf16: Yeah.

Isekai_Protagonist: Me too.

Aloud, Uzi cut in. "When everyone's twelve, we'll tell you everything then. I promise."

"I promise too. Uzi figured it out on her own, that's why she knows."

"You do have some kind of crazy secret?!?" Thad asked. "WAIT! WAS THAT RAILGUN I OVERHEARD YOU TWO TALKING ABOUT ACTUALLY REAL?!?"

"A railgun?!?" Lizzy shouted.

" STOP! " Doll screamed, stomping on the ground and her Solver flaring to life in her hands for a moment. Everyone went quiet. She looked right at me. " What does this have to do with my present ?" she asked, and then looked at Uzi. " Were you just… risking your lives to try and avenge Mama and Papa ?"

"I also took a trophy that night," I told Doll.

Her optics widened. " A trophy ?"

"Uzi and I got some revenge for everyone who that Murder Drone took family from," I told her, and took off the opaque container. " Happy Birthday, Doll ." I told her in Russian.

"Oh my god, you actually did fight them and win ," Lizzy said, optics wide as she stared at the nanite acid stinger on display.

"That is actual nanite acid, by the way," Uzi said. " Do not mess with it ," she stressed.

" That came from the monster that took Mama and Papa away from me ?" Doll asked, looking right at me, ignoring other people panicking and bombarding Uzi with questions. Her gaze was boring into my soul , like she was trying to will the answer into being yes.

"Yeah," I told her. "I cut it off from her. The one with the bob-cut, right?" Doll slowly nodded. "I used the entrenching tool you [EDIT]ed for me to do it."

Doll leveled her gaze back towards the stinger. I saw the emotions play out on her visor in real time. Sorrow, fear, anger, but then elation . The smile grew on her face. She was crying. Then there was a crack of displaced air, red static glitching across reality, and then Doll was in front of me between one frame and the next, wrapping me in a hug as she started bawling. " Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you-- "

Doll suddenly cried out, and I hissed in pain myself because she was scalding hot, but I held onto her as her knees buckled and I slowly lowered her to the floor, pouring oil into her mouth moments later. Everyone else stopped their arguments, as Liz rushed to pull out her own thermos (I'd been handing her extras to keep on her ever since Operation: Hide the Bodies), and Uzi ran out to her own room to open the secret wall panel we'd installed behind her bed on a day Khan was at work, off to fetch her own emergency thermoses. It took five of them to cool Doll down, and everyone was hovering near Doll as she blinked blearily and tried to focus on me.

"Did Dolly just teleport ?!?" Liz shouted.

"Yes. She very much did," I said, genuinely surprised myself, because I hadn't expected her to pull that off for years yet.

" I teleported ?" Doll asked, still dazed.

"Only a couple feet, and you immediately burnt through all your oil, but yes," I told her.

" I was at 18% ," Doll said. " I felt wrong , like there was something squirming in my back. I thought I heard a whisper from someone. To… " she shuddered in my grip, and I helped her into a sitting position. " I… I think it was a woman. Who… wanted me to Let Her In. " My oil ran cold in my synthetic veins. " But I remembered Mama's note. I told Her no ." A beat passed, and then she added, in a much quieter voice, " And… and I think you and Liz and cuz would have been upset if I did ."

"I'm glad you didn't," I told her, completely honest.

Doll suddenly lunged forwards and hugged me again, red hashmarks on her visor. I froze for a moment before slowly returning it. " I love this so much, Joe. This… this is the third best thing you've ever done for me, right after bringing cuz back into my life and being Liz's and my friend. " I got a DM from her too.

Кукла: Fourth Best. You helping with Mama and Papa was the third.

Кукла: But I can't say that out loud.

Кукла: I can wait one more year for you to tell me whatever you're hiding.

Кукла: This is worth it.

Кукла: Thank you. So much.

Кукла: You and Liz. You're both my best friends ever.

Aloud, I took a breath, and hugged Dolly back as she started to sniffle and cry tears of joy while hugging me. " Thank you so much for this, Joe. Thank you, thank you, grazie! " she suddenly switched to Italian , and I was nonplussed for a moment, before giving her a smile back. She looked at me, positively beaming , and then paused, and pulled back. " Why do you have fangs ?"

Dead silence. "Oh my robo-god he has fangs too ," Lizzy said, blushing.

"We… might have an extensive amount of after-market modifications," Uzi sheepishly said, barring her own fangs.

"You've been custom-modding your frames?" Thad asked.

"Yeah, did you think we'd pick a fight with Murder Drones if we hadn't?" I asked him.

"You… like… seriously seriously prepped for this?" he asked. "What kind of mods, even?"

"Full frame transfer to a custom designed body rigged for combat," I said.

"Clarifying that my Solver isn't active," Uzi added. "I literally just gave myself fangs via conventional means. Decided to embrace the gremlin stereotype, you know?"

"That's how you're so strong now?" Lizzy asked.

"How'd you even do that?" Kelsey questioned.

"When everyone's twelve," Uzi said.

"Promise," I told them.

"We're holding you to that!" Rebecca said.

"Yeah!" Darren agreed.

"I can wait," Trevor said.

"Me too," Emily agreed.

"This is crazy," Penny said, "But… a promise is a promise, so I'll trust you both. Just, be careful, please."

"You… you paid them back for Andrew," Kelsey said. "As long as you do tell us whatever it is you two are hiding when we're twelve, I'll trust you and Uzi."

Lizzy grimaced, looking at me, Uzi, and then Doll. "You made Dolly's year with this, Joe," Liz told me. "I'll trust you, but I want that explanation the same day I'm twelve."

I looked at Liz for a few seconds, and rather than see a girl who had no clue what was coming, I looked more closely at her character. She was determined, not out of spite or vanity, but because she wanted to help . I gave her a single nod, and then she smiled at me and walked up to me and Doll and gave us both a hug too. "I already know you're gonna pick more fights with them," she whispered. "I'm gonna be pissed if you get hurt, Joe. But fuck that bob-cut bitch up for me, okay?"

"You got it," I told her, and she smiled before letting go and standing back up. Doll herself tried to get up just after, but couldn't manage it, so I helped her to her feet before Uzi took over.

Thad looked at us both. "Promise me that you're gonna be careful with this," he said in a tone that brooked no arguments.

Uzi and I looked at one another, and then right back at Thad. "I promise," we both said in sync. And that was true. We might be unhinged maniacs, but we did intend to stay as safe as we could while doing this.

"You two are actually insane," Thad muttered, "But fine. I want that explanation when we're all 12 though."

" Si, signore, " I told him, giving him a genuine salute.

"You know, all the martial arts stuff and parkour that Joe was passing on is training in preparation for the big leagues," Uzi said. "I just figured it out early and got on board with this dingus," she jerked a thumb at me, "before he could start a crusade against the Murder Drones on his own."

"Hey!" I protested. "I would have been way more careful if I was doing this solo!"

Doll walked up to Uzi and clapped a hand on Uzi's shoulder. " Cuz ?"

"Yeah?"

" If he nearly gets killed because he did something stupid, slap the shit out of him for me, okay ?"

"Oh come on!" I shouted.

"You have literally said multiple times, 'If it's stupid, but it works , it's not stupid,'" Liz told me. "We're just exercising our paranoia to give you an extra incentive to be careful."

I thought it over in overclock for a moment. "You know what? Point," I conceded. Uzi rubbed her hands together and cackled. I gave her a deadpan, and then addressed Doll. "I assume you want me to do the same for Uzi if she does something stupid?"

"Wait what?" Uzi looked at me in alarm.

" Considering that cuz is more likely than you to do something dumb, I'll be disappointed if you don't slap the shit out of her for it, Joe ," Doll told me.

"Oh come on!" Uzi protested, but people started snickering at her, and she pouted and crossed her arms.

"Uzi, your Tsundere is showing," I teased.

"BITE ME, JOE!"

"Nah, it'd take me way too long to get the taste of angst out of my mouth."

Uzi choked back an angst-induced scream of rage and threw a half-hearted punch at me, only for me to literally Karate-Kid "wax on, wax off" deflect it. And the next punch. And the third. Uzi got the reference and stomped as her fists were shaking, and she stomped. "Stop it!" There were actually tears in her eyemotes, and I immediately flipped from "tease" to "comfort," and stepped forwards and wrapped her up in a hug.

"I'm sorry if I went too far," I told her.

Her hands were twitching, and she pinged The Neglected Children of Outpost 3 (and Thad) .

Darkxwolf16: It just… got to me…

Doll came up and gave Uzi a hug too. " Sorry, cuz. "

"Do you need a minute?" Liz asked her.

Uzi sniffled once.

Darkxwolf16: Thanks. You guys are so nice.

Thad gave his own words on the matter. "Look, I'm not gonna lie and say I'm not miffed by all the secrets, but apparently you're being really careful and looking out for each other and were trying to ease us into whatever you're doing, and were planning to tell us at a set point anyways, so I'll let this slide. But you're our friend, and regardless of anything else, we got your back, 'Zi."

Uzi hugged me and Dolly back real tight for a moment, and then pulled back herself, sitting down at a chair and pulling out her fidget spinner and twiddling it, thumping a leg while she sat and pouted.

Darkxwolf16: For the record.

Darkxwolf16: FUCK AUTISM!!!

Darkxwolf16: Stupid overwhelming emotions!

"It's kinda endearing in a gremlin sorta way," Penny said. And then she perked up. "I just got a great idea for a gag gift for you Uzi!" She rubbed her hands together and giggled, almost like a gremlin herself.

Darkxwolf16: I am SLIGHTLY concerned.

"Nah, it's gonna be hilarious ," Penny said.

Uzi looked at her hard for a few seconds, and then nodded.

Darkxwolf16: I trust you, Penny.

"Thanks, Uzi," she said.

"So, like," Rebecca suddenly asked me, "You've been making weapons and planning to fight Murder Drones for years , including a secret means to get in and out of the Outpost, even before the Solver stuff came up, and Uzi just figured it out on her own and that's why she's in on it?"

Uzi and I looked at each other, and she nodded, so I said, "Pretty much."

"So if anyone else figures out whatever you got going on before they're 12, would you also bring them into whatever you're doing early?"

I mulled it over for a second. If they showed the initiative to figure things out on their own, then, "You know what? I would, but they'd have to keep their mouths shut to everyone else," I told her.

Rebecca gave me a grin. "Bet," she told me, and I was somewhat concerned, but again, if anyone else figured it out, I'd give them that.

" Joe ?" Doll suddenly said, sounding scared , and everyone looked at her, her Solver out as she stared at V's stinger in its container with hollow optics.

"Dolly?" I asked.

" I tried to move the stinger, and got a 'like-object non-interactive' message ," she said.

I overclocked. On the one hand, I internally whooped. Severed DD parts retained non-interactivity. I could legit forge a suit of armor out of the stuff to prevent myself from getting no-diffed by the Solver after all! FUCK YES!!! Best news I'd gotten in weeks ! On the other hand, I'd need to step up my ambushes on JNV, and maybe even range further out to pick fights with other MDs. Because I was gonna need a lot of parts for that. I was gonna be legit farming them like Monster Hunter for parts I'd need for full armor sets. Because I'd want everyone to be outfitted with that shit. And also, I still wasn't sure if I could melt down the parts to forge them into proper armor instead of just welding them into a suit. Or if I could try to alloy them with CrCoNi or something to make them more durable. I'd need more experimentation and confirmation from Doll on said experiments, which meant even more parts were needed, but this alone was promising.

"Can you lift the container?" I asked her.

She shifted her focus, and then a red Solver glyph lifted the container up, and put it back down.

"Oh good," Emily spoke up, optics hollow. "The Murder Drones are apparently infected by the Absolute Solver."

Trevor gave her a hug, and she leaned into it. "Wait," he said, "What if… what if the Murder Drones were sent by the Solver and not the humans?" Everyone looked at him with wide eyes. Uzi messaged me on the UMPT .

Darkxwolf16: Dude, Trevor NAILED that.

Isekai_Protagonist: Yeah, I'm ACTUALLY fucking impressed.

Doll's optics hollowed. Lizzy spoke up, "The humans were trying to fight it. Find a way to stop it. What if it made the Murder Drones and… and…"

" They're here to hunt any drones the humans infected with the Solver and also to eliminate any remaining copies of the Patch ?" Doll finished.

"They were actually sent by a demon?" Emily squeaked out.

"Holy shit," Darren said, "You were actually right with that." He literally bowed his head to Emily. "Sorry for ever doubting you." A couple other people actually apologized to Emily for thinking similarly, and the religious drone blushed and squirmed, eventually turning and hiding her face against Trevor, who just wrapped his arms around her and rubbed some circles on her back.

" The… the Solver sent those monsters to hunt Mama and Papa… and Aunt Nori… they're gonna come after us , cuz ," she told Uzi.

"Oh fuck," Uzi muttered, playing her role as someone who wasn't supposed to already know that perfectly thanks to overclocks.

"So…" Kelsey trailed off, looking pensive for a moment, and then said, more steel in her tone, "Are the Murder Drones just slaves to an Eldritch Horror? Doll," she addressed the Solver Drone, "Your mom's note said that the Solver could possess drones--"

"Oh my robo-god that was what the 'Let Me In' was, Dolly," Lizzy cut in.

Doll's optics hollowed to pixel-thick rings, and she started shaking. Everyone in the room piled onto her with a group hug in seconds. Three minutes and seven seconds later, Doll finally started to calm down, and said, " K-Kelsey, what else were you gonna say? "

"Is… is the Solver controlling the Murder Drones? What if… what if they have free will, but are puppets in their own bodies?" Everyone stared at Kelsey. She was… close to the truth, but not quite on it. Especially regarding V.

" Are you suggesting that monster might be a victim , Kelsey ?" Doll asked in a cold voice.

"It's possible ," I cut in. "There's a lot we don't know," I added. "We're dealing with an Eldritch Horror, after all." Dolly glared at me, and I actually flinched. "I'm not saying that they're blameless ," I clarified. "Nor am I saying they're monsters, though. I'm saying we don't have the full picture , and operating under false assumptions in this case is a capital Bad Idea."

"The Murder Drones have something to do with the Solver," Uzi spoke up. "It definitely sent them itself. Details beyond that? Not sure," she lied.

Doll looked really pensive for a moment, before her gaze hardened. " Even if they're slaves, that monster laughed as she killed my parents. It'll take a miracle for me to even consider forgiving that ."

Darkxwolf16: Oh, we're gonna make her EAT those words, lol.

Darkxwolf16: I hope.

Isekai_Protagonist: Yeah, REALLY hoping we can look back on this moment and have a laugh.

"I'll… keep that in mind," I said. "So… teleporting, huh?" I brought that back up.

" I'm gonna need a lot of oil to practice that, " Doll remarked.

"Yeah, that's kinda too broken not to practice," Uzi commented. "Plus, if it's like all your other powers, it'll get easier as you keep going. And we're starting to stockpile more oil than we know what to do with at this point."

"Just don't get telefragged," I warned Doll.

" Telefragged ?"

"Teleporting to somewhere that something else or someone else is already occupying," Darren said. "Best case, you get stuck. Worst case? It gets messy ."

Lizzy grabbed Doll's head and looked her in the optics. "You better keep yourself safe when you teleport, Dolly!"

Doll glanced back to Darren and then shuddered. " I'll keep that in mind ," she said. " And… yeah, Liz, I'll be careful. "

People finally started piling off the hug, and I clapped my hands. "Right! Best present ever goes to me, right?"

"I helped!" Uzi shouted.

"Me and Uzi," I amended.

Doll blinked a few times, as if just now realizing that yes, Uzi also played a part in this and then ran up to and glomped her cousin again. I am completely positive the only reason Doll didn't knock Uzi down with that hug was because she was in a combat frame now. " You're the best cousin ever! "

"I'm your only cousin," Uzi pointed out.

"That just makes you the best by default, which is the best way to be the best," I countered.

Both cousins gave me a deadpan in sync, and then both simultaneously uttered, " Bite me! " They both froze, then looked at one another, then back at me and flushed, all in sync as well.

"You are the best fucking cousins ever ," I told them, and sent Uzi the following over the UMPT .

Isekai_Protagonist: ISTG getting you and Doll to say that at the same time TWICE is the BEST fucking thing I've changed about the timeline LMAO!!!

Darkxwolf16: I hate you.

Darkxwolf16: SUPER thankful for everything.

Darkxwolf16: But I hate you.

Isekai_Protagonist: I can live with that lol.

Uzi gave me a deadpan and I started laughing out loud.

________

There was a lot more back and forth at the party, and I'm sure a lot of people marked 12th Birthdays on their calendars, but from what Uzi and I were willing to tell them now, they got that we'd done some serious prep work to make sure we were doing this as safely as we could. Doll… didn't seem to mind at all, though, trusting my judgement implicitly, and was perfectly fine to wait, smiling every time she looked back at that stinger, though she was slightly annoyed she'd have to leave it in her own hab so Khan wouldn't accidentally find it. I got the distinct feeling she was gonna train hard on teleporting solely so she could blink to her apartment to look at that trophy whenever she was feeling down. Lizzy was initially concerned that I was gonna get hurt, but had calmed down significantly from both my own assurances that I really was being overly cautious with my attacks on the MDs, as well as just seeing how happy Doll was with her gift. Reactions across the rest of the board were mixed, with Thad in particular being miffed by our stunt, but I'd generated more than enough goodwill over the past few years (and also, literally having saved the entire Outpost from Braxton's stupidity not an hour before that went a long way when I'd brought that up as another defense) that they were willing to wait when I'd almost immediately given them a set date for telling them everything. And… I was gonna tell them everything. Well, everything that I wasn't worried about getting read by the Solver during a possession, but still. 99% of everything, including all the 4th Wall and Isekai stuff. Hopefully no one else would realize there was porn of them. Especially Emily. Poor girl would legit cry if she knew there were artistic renditions of her naked on the internet in another timeline--

I'm Miss Sugar Pink, liquor liquor lips,

Hit me with your sweet love,

Steal me with a kiss!

I'm Miss Sugar Pink, liquor liquor lips,

I'm gonna be your bubblegum bitch,

I'm gonna be your bubblegum bitch!

I blinked a few times at the unexpected playing of Bubblegum Bitch by Marina, my ringtone for a certain blonde drone, at 14:24 at night (decided to skip the lair for a night and just game from bed), and then picked up the call. "Liz, I'm about to go to bed, what are you calling ab--"

"I can't sleep, Joe!" she shouted over the phone call.

"Is this about the whole me and Uzi sneaking out to fight Murder Drones thing?"

"What? No, Dolly trusts you, and you promised to be safe about it and fuck up that bitch who killed everyone's parents !" she said in a sudden acidic tone that left me uncomfortably reminded of her canon counterpart. "So, like, I totally trust you even if I'm kinda miffed about it."

"Sooooooooooooooo, what's the problem then?" I asked.

"I feel guilty about the cute little pocket mirror I got Dolly breaking because of stupid Robot Cthulhu Satan, and it's eating me up inside!"

I pinched the nonexistent bridge of my nonexistent nose. "Liz?" I said, exasperated because I could hear the bisexual panic in her voice.

"Y-yeah?"

"Cook her something."

There were a few seconds of silence over the line.

"Oh my robo-god Joe, you're the best! I love you! Uh… platonically… even if I kinda wanna like you more than that-but-I'm-respecting-your-boundaries-right-now… and-really-wish-you'd-sort-out-your-issues-faster-and--"

" Liz ?" I cut her off before she could keep digging herself deeper and simultaneously told my own thoughts to shut the fuck up until she was legal .

"Yeeeeeaah?" her voice was a little shaky, and I could hear the blush on her face.

"Stop being a bisexual disaster, go to sleep, plan what you're gonna cook Doll in the morning, and then maybe ask her the fuck out at some point."

"Y-y-y-y-y-you know about that?!?"

"Yes. So does Uzi. Doll is completely oblivious though."

I heard her soul get sucked back into her body at the sigh of relief that followed the clarification that Doll wasn't aware, and rolled my eyemotes. "You're… okay with me also liking Doll?" she asked, and I pushed down my own exasperation at the nervous tone in her words.

I took an unnecessary breath and released it. "I'm not gonna judge people on who they like, as long as every party involved is of age and consents. Just… leave me out of it until I sort out my own issues, okay Liz?"

There were another few seconds of silence on the line. "Thanks Joe… I… I'm glad I can talk to you about this. And, even though I wish you'd sort out whatever it was already, I'll still wait until you do."

I put a hand to my head. This woman was gonna be the death of me, and I could already see some weird scenario where she was dating me but also separately dating Doll at the same time happening. And like… that would weird out the average human, but I wasn't average, and didn't really care as long as she ran it by me first. Probably also helped that I shipped Dizzy hard . "Look," I began. "I'm not gonna lie and say that giving romantic advice to you specifically given the general context of your crush on both Doll and I at the same time isn't awkward as fuck , but you're my friend regardless of any of that. And that means I'm willing to help. Just… why not go to Rebecca or Kelsey? Or even Uzi ? Why was I the first option?"

Lizzy flipped back to Machiavellian Queen Bee like a switch was flicked. "Oh, Becca would help, but she'd tease me about it in private for weeks . Kelsey's straighter than an arrow and monogamous to boot, and while she's totally fine with other people having different orientations or preferences, she'd have no clue on advice for a girl liking another girl. And do you have any idea how awkward it would be to ask Dolly's cousin for advice on dating her? Like, helloooooo ?!?"

"So then the guy you're crushing on at the same time as the girl you're crushing on, the former of whom is sorting out his own issues and isn't immediately looking for a relationship was your fallback?"

"...Yes," she admitted.

"You are a Total Disaster Bisexual Liz."

She groaned, and I could feel the embarrassment, it was so bad. "Jooooooooooeeeeeee!!!"

"I like that about you. Platonically ," I clarified.

"...Thanks, Joe. For… being understanding."

"Get some sleep, Liz. Make Dolly something she'll love in the morning… or for dinner. Decide in the morning, okay?"

"You got it Joe! Goodnight!"

"Night Liz."

She hung up, and I sighed.

Then I went into my internal storage, and went over to my "What the Fuck Even is my Life" Bingo Card that I had in my head, and mumbled aloud, "Aaaaaaaaaaaand ticking off 'Giving dating advice to someone who has a crush on me concerning their other crush.'" I hummed for a moment. "You know," I remarked, "If I can tick off 'N experiences psychosexual cannibalistic dissociation,' I'll only be two squares away on my 'What the Fuck Even is my Life' Bingo card from a bingo. Real glad I put 'Literally beating some sense into Khan Doorman' in the corner on that one."

_______

A week ticked by, Uzi and I running some more daytime prep and a bit of nighttime sneaking without any actual engagements on the surface, but our "spring" (because we were on an iceball, so seasons were relative) break was just beginning, so everyone was going over to Thad's to have a party. A personal party, to be clear. I'd been to a couple of Thad's schoolwide shindigs, and they were godly , but this was just a party for the eleven of us. We'd gone through a four hour session of absolutely insane Minecraft hijinks, and were now playing a modified version of Truth or Dare. Basically, we went in a circle clockwise. A bottle in the middle of us was spun by the person whose turn it was. Whoever it landed on would have to do either a dare given by the person who spun the bottle, or they had to truthfully answer a question they asked. They were presented with both the dare and the question at the same time, and had to pick one or the other, or admit defeat.

It was Kelsey's turn, and she spun the bottle, and we all watched as it went. Cheating via overclock to mathematically determine the velocity it was spinning at and the friction against the floor to figure out who it'd land on was tempting , but it felt more human to just leave fate to fall where it may, and so I waited. There had been a few funny moments before, like Thad bench-pressing Lizzy as a dare so he didn't have to admit to his darkest fetish (I was now morbidly curious as to what Thad of all people was into, but I wouldn't pry), Doll singing "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley as part of a dare, and Kelsey admitting that she found the idea of freakishly strong guys kinda hot as a truth when Rebecca prompted it, but now the bottle landed firmly on Darren, and it looked like some good old fashioned revenge could be in order.

"Alright," Kelsey spoke up, a manic grin on her face. "Either you gotta full on make out with Rebecca right now--"

Darren, the absolute mad-lad, didn't even let Kelsey get to the truth question, and Rebecca barely had time to widen her optics before he was tenderly holding her while kissing her like his life depended on it.

Emily yelped and looked away, muttering "So immoral… but also cute in a wholesome way," with the last part only being audible to Uzi and my own enhanced hearing, with Kelsey blinking in abject surprise, before she whooped and started cheering, followed by Lizzy, then Doll, and then myself because I shipped it ! And then Uzi burst into laughter, as did Trevor, Thad, and Penny.

He pulled back after a few seconds, and gazed at her happily as the neon cyan hash marks on her face took over her entire visor, before she gave a choked scream and then pulled him back in and started kissing him again ! The cheers and laughter erupted even louder, Lizzy crying out, "YOU GO, GIRL!"

" Oh, there's tongue action going on ," Doll commented, her own optics wide.

Uzi fell on her side, she was laughing so hard, and Kelsey had the biggest shit-eating grin on her face.

They pulled apart, literal strings of drone drool still connecting their mouths as they panted and stared at one another. Rebecca recovered first, ironically, and let out a heated, "I love you, Darren."

"I…" Darren huffed, cycling more air past his internal fans. "I love you too, Becca."

"I'm happy for you both," Thad said, and then they both turned and looked mortified as they remembered there were other people in the room.

Uzi was panting from her position on the floor, holding her stomach, a grin on her face. TNCoO3(&T) pinged.

Darkxwolf16: I can't…

Darkxwolf16: I can't…

Darkxwolf16: Robo-god, give me a minute!

Darkxwolf16: My sides hurt!

Darkxwolf16: But… Happy for you two.

Darkxwolf16: You deserve each other.

"Thanks Uzi," Darren said.

Rebecca blushed. "Like, thanks," she muttered, looking away, and then snapped her gaze to Liz. "You don't get to tease me over this!"

"The kissing?" Lizzy snarked back, "Nah, you're good. The Frenching , on the other hand?"

Rebecca groaned and slumped, but perked back up when Darren grabbed her hand and held it. They smiled at one another. "Aight!" Darren called out. "My turn!"

And so the bottle was spun, and we watched it spin… and it landed on Emily. Oh boy, I thought.

Emily grabbed her rosary, and whispered, "Lord, give me strength," before looking at Darren and saying, "Please be merciful."

Darren just grinned at her, still riding off the emotional high of making out with Rebecca, and Emily just gulped. "Either say 'robo-goddamnit,' or tell Trevor the truth of how you feel about him."

Emily's optics hollowed, and she started profusely blushing, and the girl pulled on her braids before she scrunched her eyemotes shut and choked back a horrifically embarrassed scream… and then whisper-shouted, "I have a crush on you, Trevor!"

Trevor blinked a few times, looking slightly surprised, but he clearly already knew, but just wasn't expecting Emily to admit it. There was cheering from the drones gathered as I just grinned and mentally did a happy dance at the Knight's Templar that was about to sail. "I like you, Em," he told her.

The religious girl opened her optics a bit, still blushing up a storm, and stuttered out, "I-I-I-I, uh--"

"And I respect your beliefs, so do you just wanna hold hands?"

Emily looked at his offered hand for a few moments, and then gave a beaming grin (still very embarrassed, though), and reached out and took it. "Thank you, Trev," she mumbled.

"Anytime, Em," he told her.

There was adored cooing from several girls at the wholesome and not-at-all-lewd handholding. I internally cheered and whooped with joy because KNIGHT'S TEMPLAR, BITCHES!!! I did outwardly have a massive grin on my face, though. And then Thad spun the bottle. Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiin, aaaaaaaaaand, landed on Lizzy. Fun times ahead. Thad gave a grin that I could only describe as "BASED AF."

"Alright, Lizzy, I dare you to either take Doll on a date," Lizzy's entire visor lit up with pink hashmarks as she made a strangled noise in her throat, and Doll looked very confused, "or tell the truth about what you wanted to be when you grew up back when you were little."

"I wanted to be a V-tuber!" Lizzy immediately blurted out.

"Damn, that fast?" Trevor said.

"Oh my robo-god , that's what the cat-ear headband was from, wasn't it?!?" Uzi blurted out.

" You wanted to be a virtual cat-girl, Liz ?" Doll asked.

Lizzy buried her visor in her hands and screamed.

"Neko-Liz!" Rebecca shouted, and then started giggling uncontrollably, shortly joined by Kelsey, Penny, and even Emily.

"Lizzy's a cat-girl!" Uzi cackled out, and continued to cackle with manic glee.

Darren played the "Press F to Pay Respects" meme on his visor while saluting Lizzy, who just had her face in her hands as she was blushing. At the risk of going to hell, even while still chuckling myself, I put a hand on Liz's shoulder and gave it a few pats. I got a DM, and the two of us shot messages back and forth while people started to calm down.

Babeatron-Queenthousand: Thanks Joe.

Babeatron-Queenthousand: Sorry that this is awkward for you.

Isekai_Protagonist: You're still my friend regardless of that, Liz.

Babeatron-Queenthousand: You're the best.

Isekai_Protagonist: Duh, I'm ME!!!

Babeatron-Queenthousand: LOL

Penny had the bottle next, once everyone had cooled off from that, and she spun it and landed on Doll. The girl suddenly gave a grin that would give Uzi a run for her money in the gremlin department, and said, "Doll, you gotta say who you have a crush on--"

" But I don't have one ?" she said, confused. I blinked, and fought down a laugh.

"Then you gotta say who you would crush on, or I dare you to kiss Joe."

My optics widened and hollowed in an instant. "NANI THE FUCK ?!?" I shouted out.

The entire room burst into laughter at my expense, and I had to abuse the fuck out of overclock to avoid screaming as Doll walked up to me, and oh gods, I was gonna go to hell I was gonna go to hell I was gonna go to hell I was gonna go to hell I was gonna go to hell I was gonna go to hell I was gonna go to hell I was gonna go to hell I was gonna go to hell I was gonna go to hell I was gonna go to hell I was gonna go to hell I was gonna go to hell I was gonna go to hell I was gonna go to hell--

Doll kissed my once lightly on the check, chaste and not romantic in the slightest, and then turned around to Penny and shot her a shit-eating grin as she gazed on with a look of shock and slight annoyance. " You didn't say where I had to kiss him! " Penny screamed in disappointment, and then Dolly looked back at me with a very smug smile of her own, said, " I learned to abuse technicalities from you , Joe! "

Lizzy fell backwards, limbs flopping out. "I thought I was gonna die !" she shouted. "Don't do that to me, Dolly!"

" Huh ?" Doll sounded very confused.

"FORGET IT!" Liz shouted.

" Okay ?" Doll said, more confused.

I suddenly started cackling with glee (and so did Uzi, but for her it was because of the anticlimax), and also relief that the FBI won't bust down my door all the way from my native timeline. The reactions around the group ranged from humor in most cases, to Penny crossing her arms and pouting.

Uzi had the bottle next, and when she spun it, it landed on Thad. "Oh robo-goddamnit," he sighed.

"Nyeheheheheheheh!" Uzi gave a truly gremlin-y laugh, and said, "I'm doubling down, Thad! Either you gotta reveal your darkest fetish, or dress as a cheerleader!"

Thad looked her straight in the optics. "Bet."

Uzi speedran a mental reboot via overclock. "Wat."

"Do you have any idea how many bets at my shindigs involve crossdressing?" Thad asked, getting up. "I got a closet with like, three different cheerleader outfits and literally more girl's clothes than I know what to do with. Give me a minute." He jogged over to his room.

"Well that was based," I remarked.

"Damnit!" Uzi said.

Everyone started laughing, and that only intensified when Thad strutted out of his room in a blue cheerleader uniform. "Happy, 'Zi?" he taunted with a massive grin on his face.

"I despise you," Uzi deadpanned, and the laughter intensified further. Thad sauntered back to his room, and by the time he came back out, Lizzy was spinning the bottle for her turn, and then it landed on me. Ooooooooooooooooh, boy , I thought.

Liz gave a downright predatory grin at me. "Alright, Joe, since we know Thad's the coolest, only he'd actually be down for it on a dime, so either you gotta tell us all how you and Uzi snuck out to pick a fight with Murder Drones," ah shit, I thought, "Or crossdress yourself!"

I overclocked. And I thought… I remembered back to when I was learning how to braid Doll's hair. And then my own penchant for escalating anything embarrassing to the point where I made everyone else around me uncomfortable. Really, there was only one answer I could give. In real time, without looking like I missed a beat, before Uzi could even message me herself, I replied with, "Crossdressing."

Lizzy DM'd me.

Babeatron-Queenthousand: DAMNIT I SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN MATURE AND SHOULD HAVE DARED YOU TO KISS ME ON THE LIPS INSTEAD!!!

I started snickering but refused to explain why as Thad took me to his closet with all the girls clothes for crossdressing dares and then let me take a pick. I grinned, and started binging the internet in overclock for fashion tips. If I was doing this, I was gonna own it and be fucking sexy. Right. Ditch the hardhat, undo the ponytail. Check the mirror, practice a sly, sassy grin. Ditch my clothes… fuck it, I'm not gonna question why Thad has panties on top of everything else, but that's fucking based, so let's take a lacy black pair with a matching bra. White, completely opaque, button-up blouse, black skirt that's not immodest, but shows off some thigh. Button most of the blouse, but leave the top couple open to expose my collar, and if anyone's close to me they could look down and see a bra-strap. Then tuck the blouse into the skirt and pull it out a bit for a boob look, slightly accented by the bra. Huh, almost looked like I had B-cups. I struck a sassy pose with one arm hanging and the hand of the other on a hip, and took a look in the mirror, and realized that holy shit, with no sexual dimorphism as a drone I pulled this off good.

Godsdamn, femboy Joe is fucking sexy, I thought. I shook my head at my sudden bout of narcissism and self-questioning of my own sexual orientation, and then put on my game-face, as I strut out into the room, hips swaying, blasting Kali Uchis' Moonlight on my external speakers for the maximum meme impact.

I just wanna get high with my lover,

Veo una muñeca cuando miro en el espejo,

Kiss, kiss, looking dolly, I,

Think I may go out tonight,

I just wanna ride, get high in the moonlight!

"Holy fucking shit ," Thad said, and everyone else in the room snapped their gazes to him dropping two curses back to back.

I stopped in front of them, grinning, and did the hip pose I'd just practiced, and said aloud, "Bask in my hawt presence, fools!"

I just wanna get high with my lover,

Veo una muñeca cuando miro en el espejo,

Kiss, kiss, looking dolly, I,

Think I may go out tonight,

I just wanna ride, get high in the moonlight!

Lizzy was literally hyperventilating, and the whole room could hear her internal cooling fans whirring at max speed as the hash marks slowly but inevitably crept up her visor. Doll blinked a few times, and then just said in a quiet voice, " Wow, you're pretty ." I overclocked to hide how nonplussed I was at that, because that wasn't even an attraction thing from her, she just said, completely honestly, that in her objective opinion, I was pretty like this. So like, really nice compliment from her, all things considered. And also fucking hilarious .

I started snickering.

"Why the hell do you look so good?" Kelsey blurted out in a shocked voice.

Without missing a beat, and without overclock , which is personally what impressed me the most, I straight faced replied to her with, "Sometimes, Kelsey, it takes a real man to be Best Girl."

"NO!" Uzi screamed out, "NO, YOU DID NOT JUST MAKE THAT MEME IRL!!!"

"I very much did , Uzi," I shot back, " You're just jealous I'm hotter than you!" I replied as I flicked my hair dramatically and posed with a fanged grin.

Uzi's visor was replaced by purple text reading [EMOTIONAL DAMAGE], and she just froze up, jaw hanging open.

Lizzy's optics hollowed, and she whispered, "Why do those fangs make it look better ?" and then her entire visor finished filling with a blush before she fell backwards, her pink hash marks suddenly replaced by text reading [Conked TF out from Bisexual Panic].

Doll started a mental reboot.

Rebecca looked to her side and asked, "Darren, why is he hot , and can I dress you up later?"

Darren stared fucking panicking. "W-w-wait! I did not agree to that! I did not agree to that!"

Emily managed to close her jaw, and just mumbled out, "I think witnessing this is a sin God will forgive."

Trevor agreed with a quiet "Yeah…"

Penny kept her blush under better control than Lizzy, and quietly said, "I have so many ideas now…"

Kelsey replied to that with, "I kinda wanna help you with them…"

Thad finally got himself back together, walked up to me and started ushering me back to the closet to change again. "No. This is too cool. We have to stop this now , and prevent it from ever happening again."

I let him lead me, because I was way too busy laughing hysterically as he pushed me out of the room to change again.

_______

Welcome, my 4th Wall audience of all the ladies and gents and everyone between or something non-binary or something else not covered by any of the previous categories! I will yet again internally monologue to an audience I can't actually see to cope with my crippling existential dread as I update you all on the latest progress Uzi and I have made in our efforts to make war crimes and kill god. With significant help from Uzi, I'd finally made some breakthroughs with a better iteration of the combat frame's synthetic muscle fibers, and also had a new generation of improved motors and servos. We'd finished testing them two days ago, and had just swapped out the needed parts tonight. It was honestly an absurd boost in strength, one that necessitated me to code in a toggleable limiter so that neither Uzi nor I would have to worry about accidentally mangling someone's hands with a hi-five, or something like that. We could turn it on and off with a thought, in case of a sudden combat situation, but it was entirely possible to seriously hurt or even kill our peers if we weren't careful while the toggle was off, hence why I'd made it in the first place, and even coded up a program to alert Uzi and I as we left or entered the Outpost to turn in off or on, respectively.

Regardless of that, I was reasonably certain Uzi and I were now fully capable of yeeting a normal drone a mile or two up without an overclock active, and possibly up to five if we really put our backs into a throw while overclocked. Not nearly on par with N's outright bullshit levels of "literally casually yeeting Solver Uzi into the fucking stratosphere ," but the gap has now noticeably shrunk, and I was fairly confident that if Solver Uzi could overpower V, that we were much closer in line to any DD that wasn't N, who I was starting to suspect was literally just built different. Still plenty of room to improve, though. But if we kept up at this rate of improvement, we very well might be able to feasibly match Murder Drones in raw strength in a year or two… probably closer to two.

I just wished we could close that gap faster . It was part-way into 3066 already. Less than five years to shit hitting the fan. The snowball was rolling on my side of the court, and it was growing and growing FAST as it accelerated, but I could feel the clock to Doomsday ticking, and it was all I could do to keep my existential dread under wraps so Uzi wouldn't see it and panic herself. Fuck me in a non-sexy way if her hugs didn't help ground me, though. Talking about problems was overrated, a comfort hug from someone you trusted did more than an entire conversation.

Anyways, while canon went the way of RWBY and forgot that the protagonist was a weaponsmith prodigy, this Uzi did not, and with access to all the resources to design and build stuff she could ever want in my lair, she'd been fiddling away at an ever-increasing number of projects in addition to her main effort to build a SAHMPA, and at some point beyond that her actual death-ray from canon. In fact, as I was telling you this, we were setting up a test for what we were hoping to be the final iteration of a lasgun, straight out of Warhammer 40k. And Uzi put that together as a side project , mind you. And yes, while they were pathetically underpowered compared to a lot of other weapons in the setting, people tended to forget that compared to 21st Century, these things were fucking bonkers . No recoil and it hit harder than a 50 cal. In addition to the kinetic impact, the thermal transfer on hits caused horrific burns and can flash-boil liquids within the targets they hit near the sight of impact, meaning they'd be particularly nasty to Murder Drones. Their ammo efficiency and ability to recharge powerpacks even by putting them over a literal open flame made them a logistician's wet dream. They had literal laser accuracy. And to top all that off, Uzi designed the body of the weapon out of materials such that it could be used to beat someone to death and then still keep shooting.

We walked down to the range, set up the targets, Uzi flicked the lasgun, modelled off the Kantrael patterns from 40k Darktide, on with a barely audible whine, sighted down the holographic sight we'd slapped atop it, and aimed at the target. "Clear Range!" She called out. I gave her a proud grin before I replied with, "Range clear!"

She pulled the trigger, and there was a distinct crack as a ruby beam of coherent photons erupted from the barrel at literal light speed, and blew a third of a drone shell's head open like an oily balloon. She switched targets, popping a second, third, fourth, fifth, then started firing at a target board at the back of the range… and kept firing. And then fired some more. 80 shots in total, before the gun beeped. The whole while, the powerpack's light went from wholly green to slowly draining to red. Uzi took it out, slapped a new one in, and repeated another 80 shots after that. We both stopped for a second after that was done, and Uzi mutely plugged in the power packs to a standard ass charger that you could also use for phones .

"This is fucking broken ," she mumbled to me.

I nodded dumbly. "The fuck was I doing making bolt-pistols when I could've been making these ?"

"Bolt pistols are cool , though!" she countered.

I mulled it over for a moment. "You're right," I told her.

"Of course I'm right, this is weapons that we're talking about!"

I started laughing, but calmed down as Uzi started to look pensive. "What's wrong?" She blushed a bit, and looked away. "Uzi?"

"I wanna redesign it to excite the photons to ultraviolet instead of infrared so I can make the lasers purple ," she mumbled.

"Okay?" I said.

She looked back up. "You're not gonna tease me about it?"

"I mean, it's pretty funny that that's the reason you're doing it, but this is your passion. As long as it doesn't make the weapon less effective, go for it," I told her.

She gave me a smile. "Thanks, Joe."

"No problem, Uzi."

We both paused as I heard Sabaton singing " I'm a Barbie Girl " but as a full-on fucking metal cover from Uzi's internal speakers. Half a second later, I had " Sunset " by The Midnight play on mine.

"Why is Rebecca calling us both right now?" Uzi asked.

I shrugged, and we both picked up. "Yo!" she said, "I've been waiting outside your secret door for two hours , now! I, like, found it fair and square, open up already!"

I opened up my camera feeds (installed those forever ago after Uzi followed me) and yep, that was Rebecca standing outside, Darren in tow. Note to self, I made a literal mental note to myself, Install a program to actually alert me if someone is on the camera feeds. Gods, I feel like a fucking idiot, I thought.

"Soooooooo," Uzi said, "were you not expecting this either?"

"Not at all," I told her.

"Can you open up?!?" Rebecca shouted.

"Hi Joe! Hi Uzi!" Darren called from the background.

I sighed, and started to walk to the front door, overclocking myself to put together a plan for another Isekai reveal conversation. Rebecca did find the lair fair and square, after all. Her boyfriend definitely didn't, but he was here, so I'd just roll with it.

_________